debutaunt.com

Brat Tuesday

Did you know you can throw up in technicolor?

Learn something new every day.

From what I remember post drool/sleep haze this morning:

RING RING

"May I speak to Debby?"

"This is she."

"I'm calling from Patient Services. We'd like to send a Muslim cleric to your room."

"Um. I'm not a Muslim."

"Well that's ok. We didn't think you'd mind."

hahahahahaha

Thus went the call today from Shoshie. Nothing like laughing your ass off with a mouth full of mouth sores.

Yes. I finally got them. And it's the weirdest sensation ever. But at least I don't have syphillis (which is what my Yiddish Yoda Master reminded me of)

Mouth sores. They so suck it. It's like when you bite the inside of your cheek, except it's all over your mouth. My lips are swollen and numb. I'm still fighting the sensation and am trying to continue eating. I know that if I stop eating they will give me stuff in my IV, but worse, I will have all of these harsh meds on a pretty empty stomach.

This morning started off a little crazy. They woke me at 4 for vitals. They then came in at 5am to draw blood. I was wide awake from 4 so I just stayed up. I started to feel really bad and checked my blood sugar. It was 58 (normal is between 70 - 110). I asked them to bring me some juice. I also ate two muffins. They are so fantastic.

But basically they are giving me too much insulin and it's making my blood sugar drop too low - to the point where I'm getting the shakes and can't function. Sis #1 and I had a talk with the Nurse Manager tonight and my doctor will be addressing it tomorrow. I am thinking that my endocrin doc is going to get the boot.

Sis #2 and my mom moved all my stuff to my new apartment today. It's only going to be a temporary casa debu, but will make it much easier after I get out. I'll be having about 100 days of doctor's appointments. It will be nice to live so close to the hospital as it's about five minutes away from here. I am so grateful for all of their help as it was a pretty monumental task and a lot of work.

Sis #1 saved me today with more gifts. For lunch she brought the gift of Wedding Soup and fresh bread. It totally hit the spot and didn't make me throw up. She also brought a super special surprise and posted a bunch of my nephew's drawings on my wall. They are actually so beautiful and each one had a story with it. He is such an amazing little kid; he learned to read before he was two. I used to babysit them nearly every week and I just miss them so much. They are just like my kids too.

I love this picture. It's Saturn with all these moons around it. And they are connected. There is a gadget machine (lots of those in the drawings) below it.

Well, I'm off for a walk. I need to keep moving as it is a reminder that all of these horrible side effects are just part of what I have to do to get well. I'm healing. It's no fun now, but eventually I will be writing about my adventures with Zoe again.

I have to remind myself of that when it gets hard and I'm feeling miserable. It's really difficult at times, as I'm really hurting now, but my room is full of reminders: pictures of Zoe everywhere, my new wall of drawings, my Uma picture, my autographed Texans hat, my Monkey Boy's Team in Training jersey, and my computer, which is my link to the world.

I can do this. I got some Mardi Gras spirit in me.

Your assignment for today: Sis #1 said I should open the floor for questions. Serious ones, funny ones, weird ones. If you want to keep it a bit more anonymous, you are welcome to send them to me via email at:

debuma@earthlink.net

(I am having temporary emailus interruptus on my old email account - so I now have the above email account)

Debuma's Rebirthday Muffins

Let me tell you. I just ate one of these about five minutes ago, and they are uber yummy.

1. Set the oven at 400 and spray your muffin tins with non-stick stuff.

2. With a fork, stir 1 1/4 cups oatmeal with 1 1/4 cups milk in a small bowl and set aside. (Steel cut oats taste better)

3. In a bigger bowl stir with a fork:

1/4 cup oil (I like walnut oil the best for this. If you want lower fat, you can do 1/8th oil and 1/8th applesauce - but those are better for eating immediately and not storing).

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 egg

4. Then you do stir with a fork your mixins. This recipe works for any sorta of stuff to go with the oatmeal.

The ones I did for the rebirthday were: 1/4 cup dark chocolate chips, 1/4 cup organic shredded coconut (I don't care for the sugared, sulfited kind), 1/4 cup walnuts.

You can also do this with apples, blueberries, banana, raisins, nuts - whatever you have in the house that you like. When I do a fruit version of the muffins, I add a dash of cinnamon and a tiny bit of vanilla.

5. Then add the oatmeal mixture to the big bowl and stir.

6. In a measuring cup, stir together 1 1/4 cup flour and 2 teaspoons of baking powder. Wheat flour works just as well, and I rather like the King Arthur White Whole Wheat. Slowly add the flour mixture to the oatmeal mixins mixture and stir with a fork. At this stage, it is important to not stir it too much with the fork - otherwise, your muffins will get too dense. Just enough to get the flour dissolved in the mixture.

7. Put this in the sprayed muffin tins and cook for 18-20 minutes. Let cool in the pan for about 10 minutes and then remove and cool on a rack.

They taste the yummiest the day of cooking, and pretty good the day after. I like them better than store bought muffins because the store bought ones taste too sugary to me and don't have enough love in them. They also taste better if you make them whilst watching some trashy show on E! Entertainment television. I don't know why.

Why Today is a Great Day

1. A Re-birthday. Now I get to celebrate twice a year. Twice the presents!!

2. Muffins. No need to expand.

3. I showered. And took my time. No one bugged me either.

4. I got a Lenny Kravitz CD from Sally C and some Burts Bees facial care kit from Aimee. The Queen must have great music and must take care of her skin. (although I am freckling now from the radiation. so weird)

5. Sis #1 framed my Zoemommy picture. It looks amazing.

6. I got a bazillion prayers coming my way. This makes me feel safe.

7. Did I mention muffins?

8. While today started off completely crappy/horky, I grabbed my tickle bear and squeezed his foot. I can't feel bad when I hear its laugh. I also noticed that it still smells of Zoe.

9. I got a call from my Yiddish Yoda Master, Shoshie. I know that Sarah is watching me. Shoshie knows it too. Shoshie is hilarious. It was a fantastic surprise.

10. Lots of convos with Monkey Boy. The dude. He makes me laugh.

11. I got an infusion of hope today.

I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. - Elie Wiesel

12. And finally, how could you not have a great day when you get cells from *this* guy.... (see extended entry)

THE STEM CELL STUD, BRO #1

Me bro is awesome. I love him. I can't wait to have a huge party with him.

She Came Bearing Gifts for my Re-birthday

This is my Doctor for Muffins. Everyone should have a specialist like that.

We will post the recipe soon.

And yes. That's Sis #1. Sis #2 is busy with kiddos and helping my Mom move me to my new casa_debu.

Today's My Birthday... Na na na na... Happy Birthday to me....

I'm all stem celled up.

And Sis #2 came bearing gifts. (edit.. oops Sis #1)

The day started off pretty bad (major horkage), but is turning out to be a beautiful day.

Thanks for all the support. It means more to me than I could ever express.

I love you internets.

I can do this. I have birthday muffins.

Your assignment for today is to fill yourself with joy. There is so much to be grateful for, so I want you to find it today and cherish it. Do something fun with your kids, spouse, friends, or just by yourself. Be your own Hallmark card. I'm loving today. And I'll see you next year at my 1st birthday.

Walk the Line

Today I am wearing my Monkey Jammies.

And I just went for a walk round the nurses station with my Zoe Monkey in tow (aka as Zoe said when she gave him to me 'it's an oranga-matang, mommy')

No more horking, but sometimes I wish I could. For all the drugs, I'm thinking the mouth sores are on their way. I'm kind of losing interest in eating, which is a very bizarre feeling. Still, I force myself to eat. I can't take these pills on an empty stomach. It just sucks when food doesn't taste right. You gear up for a pineapple smoothie and it tastes like metal.

Tomorrow is the big day. I know it will be anti-climatic. But it's my new birthday. A new beginning. New cells. Non-diseased cells.

I miss Bro #1. He is funny and sweet.

The nurses here think it's odd that I don't have anyone taking care of me and staying in my room with me. I guess the other patients have people that do. But what would someone do here? Watch me type or read email? Watch me sleep? My nurse thinks I need a phone-ectomy because I'm always on the phone with Monkey Boy or my family. One of them told me cell phones weren't allowed, but I told her they'd have to pry it from my hand before I'd let them have it. The room phones won't dial long distance without a calling card and my celly is free for nearly all my calls to my peeps.

I'm listening to all my iTunes today. I have now caught up on all my Project Runways and watched Stripes, so I think I'm good to go on the tv. I forgot how funny Stripes really was.

I know it sounds stupid, but I can feel all the prayers and well wishes. I know that this procedure basically is out of my hands. It's moving forward like a freight train and I'm just along for the ride. So I'm leaving my fate in God's hands. And you people sure have been praying. I feel like it's God American Idol or something and I'm getting all the votes.

I hope God is listening. And that he's not as cranky as Simon Cowell.

I can do this. All the popular kids say so.

Your assignment for today is to wish my Dad a Happy 70th Birthday (the 25th)! Dad kicked cancer's ass a few years back, so I have a great role model there. He's a veteran, a Deacon in his church, and the most superfantastic dad of all time.

I think my dad is the most generous person I know. He's worked so hard to take care of all of us, which was no small task. All seven kids through college. Always paid our bills, our braces, our food. And yet he still had time to be involved in his community as well.

I know people dog the Catholic church all the time, but I grew up with parents who know the true meaning of spiritual community. Their lives revolve around the church and our family. Some churches seem like all they want is your money (buy my new sermon for only $9.99) or they tell you to tithe a certain percentage of your salary. Well tithing of your time counts as well. And my folks, especially my father, have always done that. They try to be as Christ-like as possible. And that's what is really important, no?

So, happy birthday Dad. I love you infinity!

The Long Night

That was not a fun night.

Haiku fashion:

Needed drugs to sleep
Which I really do not like
Darvon for sore throat

3am then 4
Don't know why I could not sleep
But I soon found out

Dry heaves kicked my ass
Was bent over a trash can
Glamour at its best

Zofran is my friend
Night nurse Jen to the rescue
Curled back up in bed

Still feel really gross
Watched a bad Stallone movie
I really want sleep

Stay out of my room
For I am the Queen of Delft
You must obey me

And I can do this
Only if I get some sleep
Bring on those stem cells

Someone loves me hu-mangous infinity.

Unhooked

The nurse just unhooked me from my chemo.

*does debu_cartwheels in my room*

I want that to be the last damn time anyone puts that #@#$^ poison in me.

I feel ok. I have weird tingly head as they gave me some benadryl. I feel really groggy. The next two days are "rest" days before the transplant, while my counts go down into the crapper. I tried walking a little, but it made me a wee bit dizzy, so she told me to take it easy. I want to sleep, but it is not forthcoming. I am way too full of fluids right now to get any decent rest.

I really like my new nurses that came with my new, awesome, ginourmous room. I especially like the one I have today and my male nurse (the murse). They have good spirits and make me feel like a human being. When you are stripped of pretty much your entire life, the little things mean so much - like preserving your dignity.

I have to say I wish the Olympics were on longer. It's been a cool thing to watch while I'm here. At least it's not like the World Bowling Championships or something. I loved the Japanese ice skater last night. She was adorable.

I wonder who is on Oprah today. I heard they had female sex addicts on the other day. What's up with that Oprah? That's very Maury P of you, girl. (although I just saw on Monday she will have Elmo from Sesame Street as a guest.)

I am so touched that the superfantastic Manolo published my sister's letter. Getting people to sign up for the bone marrow registry is so important. There are so many people that are on the waiting list for donors as they have not found their match. I was totally lucky and blessed to be a match to my uber great Bro #1. But there are so many that aren't as fortunate.

See, even J-Lo and her big booty are supporting joining the registry. She's trying to get Hispanics to sign up.

And Nelly did it too, as sadly his sister Jackie died while waiting for her match.

I can do this. The Manolo says so! Superfantastic!

Your assignment for today is to sign up for the bone marrow registry if you can. Don't be scared. My brother is a super duper squeamish kind of guy, but he did it. Can you imagine how great it would be to save someone's life? Imagine if someone in your family needed a match, wouldn't you want to try to get everyone you know to sign up? Just go for it. I have faith in you.

Click here for more information

Damn You Cafe Express

I hope to never go to the radiation clinic EVER AGAIN! EVER EVER EVER. I hate that place.

They woke me up an hour early this morning and told me the transportation dude was there. They lie. How dare they interrupt my sleep again? Bad enough I get the 4am waking for vitals, 5am for blood. Now they wake me at 6:30??? I didn't leave for an hour.

Anyway, I did have a little hall waiting today. It was unpleasant. This dude walked by and didn't even look at me. I felt like sticking my foot out to trip him. What a pisher.

But at least I'm done with the radiation. Woo. Whew. I hated that.

Tomorrow I have a mega chemo dose and then two days of rest. February 27th is the big stem cell donation day. I hope I feel ok. I'm kinda tired.

As for Cafe Express, a local restaurant with yum food, has been running these ads for a Greek salad. Not on the menu of a stem cell transplant patient dangit. They tease me, they tease me. That and Taco Cabana. The food bastards.

I am still doing ok. I have the too much spit thing going on, but now have swollen neck lymph nodes and it is like having strep throat where you can't really swallow. I'm still eating because I can't stand to take meds without food as it makes me sick.

I'm working on tightening up my resolve. My friend Ashley, who is another BMT patient, was supposed to be released the other day. She now has a fever and hasn't eaten solid food in three weeks. I get kind of afraid of being here. That I might get some kind of infection due to someone's carelessness. That would be like way way bad, possibly could kill me. So far, they haven't made me feel too safe here.

So I have to remind myself of things.

Giggle Bear!

Zoe Bear (no. she's not wearing makeup)

And Sis #1 hung up my autographed Uma picture. I want that steely look in her eyes. I meditate on that at night and picture myself kicking cancer's ass. I adore that picture. It is such a great reminder of my hope. My determination. My future. I just have to remember that when times are hard.

I can do this. I'm armed with tools and love.

Your assignment for today is to remind yourself of your priorities. To remind yourself of your strength. Your determination.

I had some assignments around New Years about goal setting. Dr. Phil's - How's that working for you?? Did you stick to them? Did you give up? Remind yourself of what that was and then remind yourself about why you can follow through with it. If you did give up, it's not too late to start over. Who says that you can't have President's Day Resolutions.

the Queen of Delft

Since I have so many lovely newbies around here, Sis #1 figured I should post a little of what Debutaunt.com is all about.

For those new to debutaunt.com. Kind of like trying to do a recap of Lost for those who haven't watched the show before.

I will take the title bestowed upon me by my beloved Shoshie as the Queen of Delft, although it does say Queen of the Universe on my checks. For real. I thought I'd see if Bank O' America would actually print that on there, and they did.

Anyway, in the extended entry is a little who what where when... well, you get it.

(updated 11/2006)

I'm Deb. Aka The Debutaunt, aka Debster, aka Aunt Debby. I'm a single mom with a sweet 8 year old named Zoe. My blog was started as just a way of blowing off steam and just to blather about stuff that was funny or disgusting or whatever. I have 6 siblings - 3 brothers and 3 sisters. I'm super tight with them. I don't call them by name, but I usually say Sis or Bro #1, 2 or 3.

Generally speaking, I've discovered that it is better to have a blog that is kinda like Seinfeld. Funny stuff mostly about nothing. And that is how it was for a while until my new adventure started in October.

On October 21, 2005, I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) that is Philadelphia Chromosome positive (PH+). Between October 2005 and February 2006, I had five rounds of chemo. I was then going to have a stem cell transplant (aka a bone marrow transplant) because of the PH+ diagnosis. My oncologist said that if I didn't have the transplant, I'd definitely relapse and die (that's how she said it). I lucked out in that my younger brother, Bro #1, was my 100% match. (only about 30% of recipients of transplants have a related match.)

A little less than 4,000 people in the United States get ALL each year. Most of those people are children. No one knows what causes ALL. I have no idea how I got it, and didn't have the typical symptoms, but I went to a local ER with a raging headache. The headache turned out to be a nasty sinus infection, but the bloodwork showed that my white count was 117,000. Normal is between 3 - 11,000.

When I was diagnosed, I was told that my daughter couldn't live with me any more because of the risk of infection (kindergarten cooties) Zoe lived with Sis #2 and her family for nearly 9 months. I think being apart from my Zoester was much harder than the cancer treatments.

On Sunday, February 19th, 2006, I was admitted to the hospital for a stem cell transplant. It is a serious, scary, and fairly rare procedure, but it is the best treatment for my form of the disease and hopefully will forever be my complete cure. I had four days of full-body radiation and chemo that is nicknamed Hiroshima. I was in the hospital for about a month. It was a horrible treatment to go through. (Not too bad for Bro #1 - as it was like giving platelets for him). I tried to write my way through it, because I equate it to childbirth. The longer you are out from it, the less you remember of it.

In May I contracted encephalitis - which is the swelling of your brain. It was bizarre and I was in the hospital - hallucinating, delusional, and paranoid for about three weeks. Why people do drugs on purpose, I'll never know. I feel completely lucky and blessed as I have had many friends these past two years die of post-transplant related infections and diseases.

I am currently in remission and pray that I stay that way to live to be an old old lady. An old lady who is completely dorktastic.

In the meantime, I'm just growing out my hair, recuperating, making observations about what is happening and trying to focus on the positive and absurd stuff that could possibly come from this experience and share how much we should appreciate life - everything little and small, joyous, precious, amazing, silly, frustrating and annoying. You can take nothing in life for granted - so choose to enjoy it the best you can with what you have.

Anyhow, I have had a lot of people email me about providing a link that says all the ways they can help with the stuff that is going on, so here goes:

1. Financially. Uh, this part is no fun, so I will just say it plainly: I was on leave from my job and lost it in May 2006 (they can only hold it for so long). I and am not getting paid and still have some hefty bills. I now receive Social Security Disability, but it sure doesn't go a long way. My bills are kicking my butt - mostly medicine expenses - I still take about 40 pills a day.

In August 2006, I moved back to San Antonio to live with my folks (yay - at age 39 after being on my own for nearly 20 years). They are awesome, but don't have gobs of extra money to pay for my bills and expenses. I'm currently trying to find out a) what exactly I owe (lots of lab & doc bills), b) what my insurance didn't cover and c) how to balance the money I receive and figure out what I do owe to get out of debt.

I will be on anti-rejection drugs for a long time. They suppress your immune system, so I'm not really able to work yet. I also get super tired sometimes and can't do too much. My immune system is working, but not very well. I avoid crowds, kids, and funky restaurants. For the most part, I'm doing pretty well, but I have days that just kick my butt. I have what is called Graft vs. Host disease (Google it) in my stomach, skin, mouth and eyes. It's controllable, but I have had friends die from it.

I've read somewhere that it is always easier to give help than it is to ask for it, and I have come to learn that this is absolutely true. It is hard to rely on the generosity of others after being someone who has been very self-sufficient

So if you want to make the most impact on my life and Zoe's please...

Send checks to: Stephanie Stradley
Deb Fund
Stradley, Chernoff & Alford, LLP
1018 Preston, Suite 200
Houston, Texas 77002
Pay to the order of: Stephanie Stradley [sister of Deb]

If you have any questions or would like to make an online transfer, please contact Stephanie at (713) 222-9141 or email debfund (at) houston.rr.com (replace the at with an @) for additional information.

If you would prefer using Paypal for a bank or credit card donation, please click on this link or transfer it to your internet browser window:

Or go to www.paypal.com, and send money to debfund@houston.rr.com.

OK, enough of the ick money talk. Sorry about that and wish I had more alternatives.

Just as an aside, our society isn't set up so well for people who have really bad illnesses happen to them. Short term disability insurance is extremely expensive, and often doesn't cover you if you can't demonstrate to the evil demon insurance company that you are unable to do any job of any type. And if you had a job before you were ill, you can't say to the government that you are poor enough for aid, because they look at how much money you made before you got sick, even if you make no money now. Long term disability only covers the difference to the % of your salary (if you get it) that Social Security Disability pays. So basically I used to pay about $58 a month for long term disability for four years, and now I get about $100 a month and have to prove numerous times that I am still disabled. Paperwork is the debbil.

This is what I am absolutely passionate about:
2. Blood/Platelet Donations. Many, if not most, people with cancer undergo chemotherapy, which can temporarily reduce the number of circulating blood cells. The fatigue most cancer patients experience is caused in part by low levels of red blood cells (anemia), which carry oxygen to muscles. This is particularly true in patients with blood-related cancers such as leukemia, lymphoma, or myeloma, in which the disease itself can dangerously lower the body's production of blood cells

When my counts were low, there were a number of times where I had to wait for platelets or blood until after surgeries were completed due to shortages. There are shortages every day they tell me.

If you live in Houston, you can make a blood or platelet donation at MD Anderson Cancer Center. Also, if you can, you can request the MD Anderson Mobile donation center to come to your place of business by calling (713) 792-7788.

MD Anderson Blood Bank

If you live outside of Houston, well, just donate blood if you are able. I had over 20 blood transfusions and about 14 of platelets. You might save someone's life. As many "someones" saved mine.

3. Prayers. I'm taking as many as I can get if you know what I am talking about. I still love being prayed for as I fear relapsing. Pray for my continued healing and that I can help raise money to find a cure for this horrible disease.

4. Donate to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Or participate in one of their events. I'm trying to raise a million dollars in my lifetime. I'm just stubborn enough to do it. Here is a link to our donation site.

5.Sign up on the bone marrow donor list. Especially if you are a minority. Less than 6% of the registry is made up of minorities. You don't even have to give blood to sign up on the list. They can do it through a cheek swab. If your pregnant, look into donating your baby's cord blood to the national registry. You can find information about both at www.marrow.org.

6. Spreading the Word. If you know any other people who would like to help me with my fight, link them to debutaunt.com. The power of the internets is a funny thing - some of the bestest support I have received have been from people I do not know. And there is nothing better than getting funny terrific comments in my blog.

Anyhow, my Sis#1 told me about a sermon she heard at her church. After Hurricane Katrina, her pastor did a talk about why bad things happen, and he said that he didn't know and hated to speculate, but what he did know is that God loves us, and wants us to be part of a community of people that helps each other. That as a human, you are to help others, and that even when it is difficult, you need to ask for help as well. That we are not islands. Some people in modern society think that churches are not relevant, that it is OK just to have a personal relationship with God, but I do think that as you grow and see the good and the bad of the world around you, it makes you realize how much having such communities to help is important, and how it is important to reach out to others, because that is what God's love for us is all about.

Not meaning to proselytize or nothing, but in the words of the not-so-successful-governor of Texas, Kinky Friedman, "May the God of your choice bless you."

Thanks for whatever support you can offer. It means more to me than I could ever express with words.

I love you internets.

And, as always, I will say (with your help) I can do this!!!

Oh Stewardess, I Speak Jive

I agree with Sis #2. Airplane is an excellent movie.

I also agree that God had me watching over that nurse. She's a sweet and funny lady and yes it would have been awful if I had gotten sick or died from her mistake. Which I am sure would have happened considering my blood sugar (at 5am) was 138 with the CORRECT dose. Imagine how bad it would have been if I had received five times the dose.

I love her, but my patient advocate has been called.

I think Sis #1 also got me the hookup with a big room. I move today around 5 or 6. I'm glad now I didn't unpack. Heh. Yay for Sis #1. I'm going to get three windows instead of one. She also got me my new apartment. It's way nice. Two bedrooms. I hate that everyone has to go to the trouble of moving me, but it will be nice when we don't have to get stuck in mega traffic to get to my appointments as I will be less than a mile away from the hospital.

Today I had a female technician draw on my boobies. See. I knew I'd end up with some type of tattoo here. Too bad it's just a bunch of dots and lines around where my debu_lungs are.

Apparently your lungs can only take so much radiation. So they x-ray you and the doctor creates something called a lung block to keep them safe. I like this. But I did not like laying on this hard table with my boobs hanging out. I also insisted on not sitting in the hall and the tech let me sit in the radiation room. Much better.

I'm still feeling ok. I went on a mega walk around the floor this afternoon. One of the nurses said I was going to set a record. I then took a really long shower. I have a wee bit of ouchie belly (as Zoe would say), but that is to be expected. I really wish I could eat some chocolate right now. But my blood sugars are pretty high from the steroids, so I've been not eating very much. Chocolate is so not on the list. I do have some Altoids Cherry Sugar Free gum. It's good stuff. Too bad I don't know where it is packed. But I will soon when I *hee* unpack in my big room.

I got more iTunes bucks from Ms. Kristen B. *smooches*. Now I miss my wireless more than ever. I'm thinking I'm going to have to save these until I get home. So far my favorite new add was Ben Harper's "Welcome to the Cruel World." One of the few albums worth buying the whole thing. Very listenable. Is that a word?

Speaking of words, I have totally called someone a "pisher" before. I never knew what that meant, but I liked it then and I like it even more now. I like my Yiddish lessons. I need to write them down on one big list. Then I can use them more frequently.

I can do this. And will be doing this in a BIGGER room.

Your assignment today is a repeat. I am craving fresh fruits and veggies, which are completely off of my list because of the risk of bacteria. So today I want you to eat some greens and/or something super yummy and in season.

Ok. I Googled and find it funny that the Crisco site has what fruits are in season. Isn't Crisco basically lard?

Day -6 is Bizarro

No hall waiting today. I was the first patient and the transport guy came quickly to get me afterwards. No drama necessary.

I do have major yuck mouth. Like crackers in your mouth and, well, way too much spit. It's weird. My tongue is completely white. No amount of brushing, swishing with the mouthwash they gave me is helping. At least so far no mouth sores. Let's keep it that way, shall we?

I did make some major lap-age around the nurses station. I've taken two long walks today. I'm going to keep moving as long as I still can. I was kind of out of breath, but I wanted to get my bootie out of this room.

I got even more itunes bucks from Ms. Angela G. I downloaded the "debu_mix" (look it up) she made for me. I also downloaded the Jeff Buckley album Grace. Ten songs took two and a half hours. I don't know how you dial upers do it. I so miss my wireless.

My counts are dropping. I know it's going to get worse. I hope to feel as good as I did today. I am going to try really really hard. I am afraid of feeling incapacitated. I want to keep strong.

I love my night nurse, but she nearly possibly killed me tonight. I take two types of insulin, one that is fast acting and one that works over a long period. She mixed them up and almost gave me 65 units of the fast one instead of the dose of 16. I only noticed THANK GOD because she didn't mix them into one syringe. The fast acting is clear and the long acting is cloudy. That is the only reason I'm not in a diabetic coma right now. Ok. Well I don't know what it would have done, but it most certainly couldn't have been a good thing.

I know she was tripping out about it. She's hella cool and has taken good care of me. But that was f*cking scary, pardon my French. I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I don't want her to get into trouble, but damn that was not cool. If my sugars had dropped really low, they don't come in here often enough to have noticed whether I was out or just sleeping. This gives me a really bad feeling.

And on top of that, I had a horrible dream last night that I was dying. I had pneumonia, and they couldn't get my lungs to clear. My room was full of people. They were all crying. The room I'm in looks just like Clems. The one he died in. It's one of the smallest ones on the floor. I woke up and I couldn't shake that feeling all day. The idea of saying goodbye to everyone. Maybe now that I blogged it, it won't be prophetic.

Overall, kind of a freaky day. Got some fun phone time with Monkey Boy and he made me play the giggle bear a bunch. The laugh from the bear sounds exactly like Zoe does when I tickle her. You can't possibly be sad when you hear it. I wish I could figure out how to download that laugh and post it so you could play it too.

Here is the screensaver on my phone. I had just gotten my phone and told Zoe to make a face. We both made exactly the same face. Is she my mini me or what? I miss her bunches. More than that.

Well it's midnight and the ghouls are coming in about four hours to a) take my vitals b) weigh me c) disturb my peaceful, drug induced slumber. So I better go.

I can do this. Even if the hospital folk are all wack.

You assignment today is to floss. And I want you to laugh a bunch. Tickle your kid(s) if you have them. Or go see a comedy show. I recommend renting something by Dane Cook. Watch The Princess Bride or something equally as silly. I'd loan you the Giggle Bear, but I need him.

I'm Radioactive

This is the worst hotel I have ever stayed at.

They are working on the insulin. I started steroids today so it's fairly useless.

I won't have vitals in the middle of the night anymore. Yay for Dr. Q.

I got a new bed. No more sinking all night.

I still have the rash around my CVC. Apparently radiation will make it worse. I also now have a new rash on my chest.

I also still have a small room. I'm thinking I better get used to it. Although it looks much better with my (Monkey Boy gift o') autographed picture of Uma that Sis #1 brought me. I still haven't unpacked. It's called denial, people.

I don't have to empty the hats if i don't want to. I like this.

I still miss my family, my Zoe, and my Monkey Boy.

I took the antibiotics. So far no horking. I think the "brekhn" yesterday was caused by the hot dog. I hope this continues. I sure hate to "brekhn," but I sure love Shoshie for her efforts to get that word for me. She is a true Debuteam member.

The radiation was anticlimatic. It's supposed to get worse in the next three days. I'm going to take it one day at a time. It did make me cry because I had to wait in the hallway again. This is completely humiliating. First off, you are scared shitless already - so now you are scared shitless and alone. Second, you feel like cattle. Third, I was crying, so anyone who walked by just looked above me. Fourth, I was wearing a yellow protective environment robe, latex gloves, and a mask. You already feel like an alien and they dress you like that just to sit in the hall where everyone can see you. I asked to be moved, but they had no place to put me. Tommorow I think I will evoke Nikki's suggestion of high drama.

Ok. Time to walk. Then I'm watching The Bachelor: Tell all. It's the little things.

Today your assignment is to moisturize - inside and out. Use your sunscreen, lotion, and drink lots and lots of water. My skin is going through hell right now, so take care of yours. I'm trying to.

Dick Cheney vs. Bobby Knight in a Duel

I am too tired to be funny, but found this question on another forum and wanted some opinions:

Our Vice President shows once again that he has not blood in his veins like you and me, but other evil bubbling substances as he shoots a friend while hunting (I know it was accidental! Please, I'm not completely heartless!).

Obvious jokes aside, it occurred to me that he has company in this little club of friendly fire. Legendary college basketball coach Robert "the General" Montgomery Knight has also plugged a friend wearing safety orange. Perhaps he thought the man played for Illinois.

How much of a great pay-per-view would it be to see Cheney vs. Knight, mano-to-mano as it were, in a duel? Weapons could be hunting rifles, folding chairs, morning stars made from discarded pacemakers--whatever.

Who has the handicap here? Who wins outright? What's the over/under on survival for either of them? Choose your shooter!

Some of the predictions:

Cheney wins after donning his black helmet and firing up his lightsaber.

Knight wins after impaling Cheney with a folding chair and ripping out his beating heart.

America wins, because only in America can something like this be televised.

Don King wins. Don't ask me how. He ends up owning the gate receipts.

Cheney. Even if he didn't win, Scott McCellan would say he did...a little bird shot to the face can't kill a cyborg...it's common knowledge

Hot Dog 1 Deb 0

Today's hork count = one

I'm not happy. I hate writing this entry. I want to stay in that last moment with Zoe.

The short list:

I have the smallest room on the floor. It's claustrophobic and my view sucks.

My orders aren't right and they don't have one of my insulin doses on there. The nurse said they will fix it tomorrow. Oh. That's great. In the mean time, I feel a wee bit like caca.

They won't let me go all night without vitals, ergo I get woken up. The joy.

I had a bad rash around my catheter bandage. I'm allergic to God knows what.

My lovely "mishpocha," the SWLF gang purchased me some iTunes bucks. (and woah!!! thank you all big time) I was so tired last night that I didn't use them up. So I try today and the download at the hospital is sooooo slow that purchasing music takes about ten times as long as it did with the wireless. I should have it all purchased by the time I'm sprung from this joint.

My blood sugar was 445.

I didn't unpack and can't find shit.

I miss my family, my Zoe, and my Monkey Boy.

I cried almost all day today and now look like a prizefighter.

I have to empty my own pee thing (you pee in these "hats" in the toilet to measure output to make sure your kidneys work.) And while I'm uber glad my kidneys are working, I don't like to empty my own hats. The other times the nursing assistant always did it. It is gross and humiliating. I want to Lysol my entire body.

Zoe was sad today. She was crying when we said goodbye. I was brave and didn't cry, but as soon as I turned my back - literally that instant - I started bawling. Like big time. Then I had to go get labs done and was crying. Snot a'flinging everywhere. Then I had to walk to my other appointment and was still bawling. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

They put me on mega antibiotics. These do great things to one's tummy.

Did I tell you I horked? And let me say now that there is nothing I hate more than puking. Since I took all kinds of stuff, ate a crap dinner, I have no idea what made me sick. They hooked me up with some Zofran, but um... did I tell you I barfed? I kicked the shit out of five rounds of chemo and barely got nauseous, and here I am, just one day, no chemo or radiation and I upchuck. I'm not liking this. I hate throwing up more than anything. More than fried eggs. And don't you enjoy all the different ways I can say vomit? Shoshie, is there a Yiddish word for vomit? Oy the vomit!

The only saving factor today is this laughing bear Zoe loaned me. It's well worn from her sleeping with it, but when you squeeze it's foot, it giggles hysterically. When I start feeling sorry for myself, I grab it's foot. It sounds just like Zoe when she laughs.

Your assignment today is to drink lots of water. Nothing special about that, but try to drink lots of it.

Here's to hoping the hork count is nil tomorrow.

2/20/06 is day -7 to transplant. I will be getting total body radiation. Kind of like a tanning bed on steroids.

You are the Keeper of My Hope

I love you.

I miss Me Brows and Lashes

That is all.

(ok. maybe not)

I started this yesterday, but fell asleep:

I got some weird drug today. It's supposed to help with mouth sores. I'm mentally refusing to have any side effects, but I think I am already. Apparently it's a bad one. Oh well. Better than mouth sores. I go back for more tomorrow and Sunday. A triple dose. Bleech. So much fun.

I also got another bone scan. At least there's no pain with that procedure. Yay for that and strong bones. My bones are made of amazon steel. Or at least they were before the chemo. So I hope they still are.

Baby Zkat is right here with me. She's snoozing away. We went to dinner with my mom and Sis #2 and her daughter. There is nothing cuter than two five year olds singing to Blondie's "One Way." Zoe was like...

one way for another I'm gonna getcha....I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha. One way...

Tonight, she wanted to hear the song she was named for; Flowers for Zoe by Lenny Kravitz. So I turned on the iPod (whee!) and called it up. She got one earphone and I got the other. We put our heads together and listened. Then she lay on my arm and I rubbed her face and back. She was asleep in like two minutes. It's nice to know that I still have the mommy touch. I think she may get to spend the night again tomorrow. It's so amazing to spend time with her. She seems so grown up now.

We had a nice time Thursday night. My mom came up to help me pack up all my stuff. Dad drove her up and his 70th birthday is the 25th. Sis #2's birthday is today. So dad thought we were having a birthday party for her at this restaurant, but it really was for him. It was fun to be able to surprise him and hang out with my family.

I hugged Sis #2 goodbye and just started in with the crying. She has done so much for me and I miss her immensely. Sis #2, I hope that you will be able to get a few breaks and come up to see me. I know you are busy with the kiddos and such, but you always make me laugh. And I'm sure I'll need lots of those.

So, this is the part that is continued Saturday morning:

I went in for the second dose. I have slimy mouth. But, I'll take it over sore mouth any day.

Zoe woke up early with me this morning. Here was the exchange.

"Mommy, my stomach hurts. It's empty. It needs pancakes."

"I'm sure Momo can make you some."

"No. I make them *with* her."

Later I was getting dressed. Zoe saw my catheter. She looked freaked so I jumped back in bed with her.

"Mommy. I don't want you to die."

"Everybody dies someday, Zoes. Mommy is sick now, but she's trying to get better. I'm going to the hospital today to get more medicine. I don't think I will die from this sickness."

"Well I don't want you to die when you're a grandma."

"Ok, Zoe. I'll try not to."

"Can I watch cartoons?"

Right now she's on the floor cutting out shapes out of construction paper. She's non stop talking and smacking her gum. (It's mint - she said it was the "hot" gum).

When I see her doing the normal five year old stuff I feel ok. But sometimes she says things that stop my heart.

I can do this. Zoe says so.

Today your assignment is to read. Zoe got a book called "The Tacky Penguin" from her school library. We read every night and she's just learning how to right now. I read for a living (I'm an editor), and it's my favorite hobby. Expand your horizons. It's rainy and cold here today. Perfect reading weather. Read a few books to your kids today or go visit a library, bookstore, or just pull a book off your shelf.

Ouchie

Of all the days I needed them, it sure was sweet to come home to not one, but two dozen of these:

Thank you, baby. You are beyond sweetness.

*sigh*

Up at the crack of ass, I got to the clinic to swap out my double CVC for an even bigger, better triple line. The BMW of lines. I'd take pictures, but I can't raise my left arm now. The surgeon had a hard time getting the line in (they use some guide wire thing), so it took about twice as long. I got five shots of lidocaine and new stitches. It just was not pleasant. Especially at 7am.

Note to self: if they ask you if you want drugs, say yes. Fervently say yes. And then say yes again. Like the dorkfus that I am, I said no. Not a good thing, Martha Stewart.

I also got the shot that will help with the pre-menopausal symptoms. I don't think they could make a bigger needle for that drug. And they shot me in the upper arm muscle. Um. OUCH. So I feel like I have a broken collar bone and my arm feels like someone punched me. I better not get any hot flashes goshdarnit.

I then got my zillionth chest x-ray to make sure the line was placed correctly. Thank goodness for small favors, I was good to go.

I then ate a small lunch and met with *cue forboding music* the radiation team.

I don't know why, but I was expecting them to have horns. I've been dreading this stuff for months. But the nurse was nice and the radiation doc, a resident, was super cool. I think she got the debu_vibe that I was scared shitless, so she gave me a little pep talk. She said that she went to a lecture where the doctor said that radiation was the best medicine they had. And that I had already been through some rough chemo stuff with flying colors, so my radiation should go well also.

It still didn't alieviate the long list of bad side effects, but it helped. Radiation is still a pretty bad mammajamma, but for some reason the pep talked helped somewhat. As did the flowers.

My brother should now be named Stem Cell Stud. He went in today to see if he had to do more donating. But his lab levels were good. And they collected four MILLION cells from him. The woman next to him did the same thing, but they only collected like 100 thousand cells from her in the same period of time. Bro. FOUR MILLION. That's a whole lotta cells. He kicks butt. He's my co-chair of kicking cancer ass.

He left to go back to Austin tonight to be with his family. I hope he gets to sleep in tomorrow. He totally deserves it.

As per his request, I sent him home with a lemon merengue pie.

I can do this. I have flowers and my brother has pie.

Your assignment today is to buy some flowers. They don't have to be expensive. And you can either keep them for yourself or give them to someone else. My flowers make my whole room smell lovely. And I put them on the little table next to the bed so that I can see them first thing in the morning. I took some pictures because I can't even have fake flowers where I'm going. But I'm going to enjoy them every second until I am admitted Sunday. Flowers are nice. So just go for it.

Scarface

Say hello to my little friend.

These are my future stem cells:

This is Bro #1 who is so kindly giving me his stem cells:

This is Bro #1, kindly giving me stem cells, making a goofy face, while watching The Big Lebowski, fueled only by a frozen burrito and some Hawaiian punch, stuck with his arms straight at his sides, unable to move (or pee), for FOUR plus hours:

I came by and fed him some Snickers bites in honor of Sarah.

My brother is awesome. I know this isn't an easy thing to do. It's inconvenient. Painful. Uncomfortable. He's a peach. I can't even begin to describe how humbled I am by this. How much I want to tell him I love him, and how those words simply fail to honor how I feel about him. I sat there and took a few pictures, but had to wipe tears from my eyes. Just like I am right now. Blah. There is no crying in cancer ass kicking!!!

It's the start of my new life. It is a hu-mang-ous day for us. For all of us.

Thank you, bro. I love you.

I am doing this.

A Red Day

Apparently I have a dozen roses sitting at a UPS station right now. While that sucks, the thought that someone sweet bought me a dozen roses and had them shipped to me is amazing. I feel really loved today. That is the sweetest thing ever. So now (after some phone calls on the sender's part) I'm going to get my roses tomorrow and an extra delivery of flowers on Thursday.

I love flowers. I always have. I won't be allowed any in the hospital. Not even fake ones. That makes me sad. I want to take my Valentines flowers with me. I want to look at them and smell them every day to remind me of the outdoors and life and love. I will be stuck on the floor for about a month. No trips outside. No Starbucks runs either.

Zoe inherited my love of flowers too. I didn't have any extra cash this year, but usually I buy her a bouquet on Valentines and her birthday. Usually the cheapest things in the grocery store, but it always made her feel so grown up. So instead I gave her a book I bought at MD Anderson and some sugar-free gum.

I surprised Zoe and picked her up from school so we could have a Valentines dinner date. She screamed when she saw me and was so excited. There is a sushi place up the street from our apartment and it's our favorite restaurant. It's not expensive and they know us as we've been going there since it opened. There's even a picture of Zoe behind the register next to the owner's neice.

They make a special roll for Zoe that's basically just cream cheese. She devoured them and some ramen soup. Topped it off with mango sorbet. She could not be more adorable. She also drank this weird Hello Kitty soda. It is in a glass bottle and is sealed with a marble. You poke the marble out of the top with the cap, and then the marble floats around in the bottle.

Here is Zoe checking it out.

We talked to the manager. She said she wondered what had happened to us, as we were pretty regular customers. I told her about my transplant and what had been going on. She insisted on paying for our meal. That was so kind. I miss my old life. She gave me the biggest hug on the way out. She knew it is going to be a long time before we are able to go back there.

I then went back to my apartment and swiped some pictures I want to bring with me and a few items of clothing. I got to see my neighbors. Zoe got to play with her little friends there. I know I'm moving, but it felt like somehow I was saying goodbye to my apartment, to my life. I just wanted to crawl in bed with Zoe and stay there. To read her books. To watch Letterman and sleep in my own bed. I wanted to watch my child sleep and wake up and fix her eggs. It was so hauntingly familiar. I felt like there was a fire and I was having to decide what to save from the flames.

It got late and I took Zoe back to Sis #2's. She changed into her pajamas and brushed her teeth. She was a bit nervous as tomorrow is her first dentist appointment. She was afraid that he was going to pull her "wiggly tooth." I had my sister promise that she would tell him not to. I got to tuck her in and read her the new book. The smell of that child is so familiar to me. Her little hand in mine, kisses on my cheek, and her hugs. And extra hugs. I ache for that. I ache for her.

I drove off and started crying. I know. I know. I'm trying to be positive, but all I could think of is "what if that is the last time I ever get to tuck my child in to sleep?" What if something happens to me when I'm in the hospital, and I never get to see her again? What if I'm not there to tell her it's ok and not to be afraid? She's afraid. I know she is. She cried when we were in the car. She was afraid of the dentist, but she also knows she won't get to see me for a while. But what happens to her if she never gets to see me again? What if "a while" turns to never?

I simply can't handle the thought of never seeing her again. But it's a possibility. It's something I think about. Somewhere in my head, it's there.

I packed so many pictures of her. That face is going to make me fight. I can't take it if I never see her again. I try so hard to push those thoughts out, but they lurk. And no amount of prayer, positive thinking, good vibes and energy are going to make them disappear. But they don't linger.

It hurts. It just does. I should not be thinking about never seeing my daughter again. It's just not right.

Fuck this leukemia. Fuck this fucking disease.

I can do this. I even got flowers. *hee*

Today your assignment is to try a new kind of food. Zoe was so fascinated with that soda. It was the weirdest thing, tasted like a mix between Sprite and bubblegum. So your assignment is to cook something new, try a new recipe, go to a different restaurant that you've never tried.. just be daring. Life is too short to eat hamburger helper.

p-long day

Cool moment #800

Sitting in the waiting room. Talking on the phone to Monkey Boy. I have this bottle of water because I'm feeling all camel-ish. So I put the bottle between my legs and use my free hand to open it. And I guess with my thighs of steel, I must have been squeezing the bottle a little bit.

So what happens?

A bunch of water spills out of the top and into my CROTCH.

Yes. The crotchtoral region. So it totally looks like I peed my pants.

I was so glad it was the end of the day. I still had to walk about some, but gosh. Pee. Peepee pants.

My crotch, people, my crotch.

I did see the dentist. And apparently even though I haven't been to a dentist in ages (sorry mom & dad), I have

"GREAT teeth." Woo!!!

No cavities, no issues. Nothing. I just need a cleaning. A clean mouth is a great thing.

We talked a little about the side effects of the chemo and radiation, but he said that my mouth looked good to go. I was happy about that because I had visions of root canals and major cavity action. Which would have held up the transplant. It was nice to get some good news.

I then met with a research nurse, a nurse, and my transplant doc, Dr. Q. I get some drug this Friday to help with the dreaded mouth sores, which apparently are a huge side effect. I also am trying to get into some study to help prevent the pre-menopausal side effects. Since I'm not so into hot flashes and way dry skin, I'd love to be accepted into that one. And I hope it works. I had a few hot flashes (a symptom of leukemia) the week I got diagnosed, and man, they sure did suck it.

I then met with a catheter nurse who went over what they are going to do Wednesday. My two tube catheter will be swapped out with a three tube one.

Picked up a few prescriptions and then I was finally free to go.

Only after I went all peepee pants.

I can do this. Even with soggy underwear.

Your assignment today is to tell me your most embarrassing story.

P.S. Waiting for appointments is so much more fun when you can hear Tony Bennett and Biggie Smalls on your cool new Ipod Nano. I swear I wanted to sing out loud too. Which would have been more embarrassing than peepee pants.

Ipod Meme

Thanks to Trish, I now have to share my weird Ipod play list with you all.

It was a lovely shopping spree thanks to the Sisters and to Sally C.

The song "Just You, Just Me" is a song my grandfather wrote. Lots of famous people have sang it, and Woody Allen has used it in his movies quite a few times. I picked a cool version of it.

The song "Flowers for Zoe" is the song that I named Zoe after.

The rest of the songs are ones that remind me of times/people/places or that I just really like.

I could spend hours shopping here. The Ipod Nano holds like 500 songs. Now that would be some fun shopping. I think I can also upload some of my CDs. Now that would be cool. But for now, I think I'll stick with these. I'm so technology challenged.

44 Songs; 2:51:32 total time

Vivrant Thing - Q-Tip
Keep Me in Your Heart - Warren Zevon
What a Wonderful World - Willie Nelson
Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground (Live) - Willie Nelson
You Were Meant for Me - Sting
Love and Happiness - Al Green
With or Without You - U2
Sweetest Thing - U2
One - U2
Even Better Than the Real Thing - U2
It's Not Easy Being Green - Rex Hobart & The Misery Boys
Heaven - The Rolling Stones
Beautiful - Christina Aguilera
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Come What May - Ewan McGregor & Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
Your Song - Alessandro Safina & Ewan McGregor, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack
Sleep Like a Child - Joss Stone
Flowers for Zoe - Lenny Kravitz
Hypnotize - The Notorious B.I.G.
I Belong to You - Lenny Kravitz
Gold Digger - Kanye West
So High - John Legend
Burn It Blue - Caetano Veloso & Lila Downs, Frida Soundtrack
Viva la Vida - Trio Marimberos, Frida Soundtrack
Portrait of Lupe - Elliot Goldenthal, Frida Soundtrack
The Journey - Elliot Goldentha, Frida Soundtrack
The Way You Look Tonight - Tony Bennett
Fields of Gold - Sting
Something About the Way You Look Tonight - Elton John
Sacrifice - Elton John
Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me - Elton John
Rocket Man - Elton John
Why - Annie Lennox
You're All I Need to Get By - Diana Ross
Can't Get You Off My Mind - Lenny Kravitz
Coming around Again - Carly Simon
The Maker Makes - Rufus Wainwright, Brokeback Mountain Soundtrack
Just You, Just Me - Nat King Cole
American Woman - Lenny Kravitz
At Least We Tried - Moby
Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain - Willie Nelson

Ok. It's about that Time

As someone close to me always says...

I ain't gonna lie.

I hate to admit it, but I'm scared now.

I'm feeling the morbidity of this situation. I'm trying really hard not to think about it, but there it is.

And why on earth do these fucking people tell me these horrible stories? I'm like the cancer confesser. "Oh, I have a friend who has cervical cancer, but her chemo isn't working. Most likely she will not make it to 2007."

"Gee, thanks for that uplifting story," I told him.

I went to the Leukemia/Lymphoma forum and said my goodbyes. I can't take reading about 8 year olds dying, or people who have had stem cell transplants and then died. Horrific side effects. Graft vs. host disease. Cancer, cancer, and more cancer.

I am trying really hard to just be me. To focus on just doing it and not thinking about anything else. About anyone else's experience.

But sitting in my inbox right now is my will. I can't bring myself to read it, but know I have to. I have to read about who will be taking care of my Zoe if I die. Good thing I don't own any property. I have life insurance, a lot of it. But overall, I don't really own anything. I need to get it back to my attorney, so I don't have any choice but to read it. There it looms.

I don't want to die. I'm just not ready yet. And everyone tells me it won't happen, but I still have to think about it. A little bit. Packing up my things. Packing up my life. Reading my will. Packing to head out to the hospital.

My brother came back from getting his shots and said that he is glad he went to the hospital to get them as he said there was no way he could have done those himself. I feel so bad for him, but it is what it has to be.

I should be packing, but instead I'm reading Project Runway blogs and watching stupid movies on tv. I have a cold. I'm full of snot. And now I'm coughing. I don't have a fever, so it's not anything major. But I need to get better, otherwise they will have to postpone everything. I know I have stuff to do, but trying to get up and about is really not happenin right now. I need a white tornado, aka someone else to do the work, while I lay in bed. I feel that lousy. Unfortunately it's all stuff I have to do myself. At least most of it. I think I will rest today and work on it tomorrow.

The lady I stay with brought me some great chicken soup. She could not be any sweeter. I need a chicken soup IV infusion.

I can do this. Hiding isn't an option anymore.

Your assignment today is to send me some good vibes. If you pray, I'd like them. If you meditate, send some meditativey goodness my way. If you know a funny joke, send it to me. I just need some extra strength to get through this week without flipping out. I know I have support. I feel it. But I also am simply afraid. So some positivity would be appreciated.

I have Tunes

I am totally Ipod Nano hooked up.

I spent about three hours picking out songs last night.

I got a cat scan of my head yesterday. Then I had to do some breathing test. At least I was done by 9am and came home and took a long long nap.

Today I start packing. I have laundry to do. I also am not going to be coming back here after the transplant, so I have to pack up all the stuff that has accumulated while I've been staying here.

Currently Sis #1 is looking for a new place for me that is closer to MD Anderson. It's a total pain and I'm trying not to think about it. They are going to pack up my old apartment (I don't live there now), and hopefully can move it all to my new place. What a complete pain in the ass all of this is. But it is what it is.

I wish I could have a giant yard sale. I also wish I could go to Paris or Hawaii right now.

I can do this. I just wish I had less stuff.

Your assignment today is to listen to music. Turn the tv off for the day and listen to all those CDs you bought or music you downloaded. People buy all kinds of music, and then it sits there gathering dust while they watch reality tv. Listen to it and enjoy it. Get stuff done today. it's Saturday.

Achoo!

I am up at the crack of crack.

I have to be at the hospital by 6:10am for a cat scan appointment. I woke up at 4:44. Too early to even make coffee. I think I'm going to drive thru Starbucks on my way in.

Yesterday I spent 3 hours at the eye exam and had an EKG. Sometimes with all these appointments, I feel like the Bionic Man or something. I just wish that they could do all these tests in one day and get it over with. I'll just lay there naked and let them do whatever it is they want. Although according to my friend Susan, I would wake up and end up pregnant and covered in tattoos.

I went to Bunko last night. Dang those women are so fun. I had a good time. And the food - yum. Huge grilled shrimp and yogurt potato salad.

This sinus thing is bugging me. I'm 'kvetching.' I wake up totally congested and now have a near constant runny nose. Did you know this is because I have no nose hair? I feel like a first grader with little kid nose. They so need to give me something for this. Right now I think I'm ok because I'm mentally refusing to be sick, but I think I am. I'm the Queen of Phlegm. Ick.

Today I just have the cat scan and some lung capacity test. Too bad I have like hours between appointments.

Ok. Time to get dressed. Do they not know that I need sleep? Way more than I need a catscan of my brain.

I can do this. I may wake up with a tattoo on my butt, but I can do this.

Today your assignment is to make an appointment to get a physical. So many people don't ever get an annual physical anymore. But they really are important. Even if it's just for your peace of mind. Get an OBGYN appointment if you need one. A mammogram. Prostate exam, whatever. Then have a party when you get the good news. And if he says.. you need to lose weight, lower your cholesterol, well this year, how's about you actually doing something about it instead of just letting it slide for yet another year?

Take care of yourself before you are no longer able to. And make sure they make your appointment for later than the crack of crack!

P.S. Extra special love to Sis #2. People have been sending me all kinds of stuff (and thanks... seriously), but if you'd like to send something cool to Sis #2, that would be sweet. (the address is at the top of my page - just mark it for Sis #2 & they will know)

Since she's basically Zoe's mom by proxy for me. Which is huge. Ginourmous even. And she's an awesome sister. Since she's got 4 kids now under the age of 8, I don't get to see her as much. And this makes me blue. Because she always makes me laugh until I snort.

*hugs to Sis #2 today*

P.S.S. Thanks Sally for the itunes gift certificate. I am going to hookup with my bro in law #1 so he can help me with my ipod - since he's Mr. Ipod and all. I'm so excited.

It's a Date

February 19th.

I will be admitted to the hospital for transplant.

Before then, they are doing about every test on me that they can. Dr. Q (my transplant doc) went over a bunch of stuff with me and my brother yesterday. Bro #1 is in really good health, which makes me very relieved. Both he and I were worried that they would look at his blood work and say it's polluted or something. He still has a cough, but the strep (according to them) is no longer contageous.

[aside] Although it was funny hearing my bro tell me how they asked him all kinds of questions before they did the blood work. Like "have you ever had sex with a man?" If you knew my brother, oh he of the Barry White-ish voice, you'd be laughing too. He described it as asking if he had visited "The Isle of Man." Which apparently, according to Monkey Boy, really is a place - like a tax haven near England. Still. It's funny.

"The number of cancer deaths has gone down for the first time in 70 years," according to Good Morning America just now. Good to hear. Also thought it was funny that the low fat diet does nothing to help with cancer or weight loss. So all those fat-o-rexic bitchy chicks who are always on a low fat diet can now go eat butter like the rest of us.

I got my schedule and it shows on Feb 20th - 24th

RADIATION
RADIATION
RADIATION
RADIATION

How fun. They capitalized it. Like reading it isn't bad enough. Four doses of radiation. No RADIATION. And the nurse said that the post-radiation patients look burned. Burned? I spend 38 years taking really great care of my skin and I'm going to look like I spent a week in Cancun. Without the fun of Cancun.

Yesterday, after the appointment, I decided to go shopping at Target with the gift card given to me by The Sisters. I'm in the car and on the way I just start crying. See. Here. All I want to know at all times is what do I have to do today.

Today I have an opthamology appointment, an EKG, and then an appointment with a social worker. That's what I have to do for today - beyond drinking my lovely coffee here and eating some yogurt. That's it.

I don't want to know what all is coming up. I just want to do it. But here my doctor was lining all my ducks in a row. He was going through to the date I get admitted.

And gosh. Lemme talk about that date. IT'S TOO SOON. I was thinking the admission would be the following week. I don't know why. There was no reason to think that. But I just did.

So on my way to Target, I felt like I was on death row. Like "hey, it's February 8th, you have 11 days to live." I know. Dumb. But it felt that way. It felt overwhelming to think about it. I feel so good, aside from the jacked sinuses again, that there is so much I want to do before then. It's like I want some extra time.

So. I shopped. I bought a few cool things, some new funky jammies, the novel Memoirs of a Geisha, and some really tasty Altoid sugar free cherry sour gum. I wanted to buy a bunch of candy in Sarah's honor, but I know my endocrinologist would kick my butt as my blood sugar levels have been too high apparently. So I stuck to a few pieces of dark chocolate.

I did give the HUGE bag o' M&Ms to my brother, since he isn't a diabetic like me, but that way I can get vicariously get some sugar when I get his stem cells. That made him really happy. He said he loves M&Ms. It was the least I could do since he's getting poked more times than Paris Hilton.

The shopping made me feel better. Normal. Like f*ck this leukemia, I'm going shopping at Target. February 19th may come too soon, but I will get past this. It's going to just be a little while, but I'll get there.

I can do this. My brother and Sarah are leaving a little trail of M&Ms for me to get through it.

Your assignement today is to do something nice for a sibling. I am really close to mine. I mean, I have six of them. And I love them all so much. So today, just do something fun for them. Call them if you can't see them. Take them out to dinner or buy them something fun. Just reconnect.

If you don't have a sibling, do something nice for someone that is like a sibling to you. I have some friends that are like sisters. Make it fun.

As Funny as Ass Killing Can Be

The test from hell is now done.

Not only did they do the bone marrow aspiration, they did a bone marrow biopsy as well. I haven't had one of those since late October when I was diagnosed. I forgot how much they hurt. I am glad I didn't know ahead of time that I was getting that done too. I think I would have flipped out a bit more. Last time I was sedated. I barely remember it.

This:

There will be a sharp stinging from the anesthetic injection. As the aspirate is withdrawn, there may be a brief, sharp pain. The biopsy needle may also produce a brief pain, usually more dull. Since the interior of the bone cannot be anesthetized, this test may cause some discomfort. Not all patients experience these symptoms, however

is a complete fabrication.

There is nothing brief, nor dull about that pain. Some discomfort? I don't know one leukemia patient that doesn't experience major pain with this procedure. It's like having someone drill a corkscrew through your ass cheek into your hip bone. That's exactly what it's like.

I was cursing up a storm. In Spanish even. I don't even hablo Espanol.

I cried though. It was like spontaneous and I couldn't stop it from happening. It was so weird. Afterwards my blood pressure went way high. Like 188 over 135. They had taken it earlier and it was 122 over 72. I never have high blood pressure. Never. This test, she so not normal.

I took a Darvon beforehand, but I might as well have swallowed some M&Ms. And since they had me do it early in the morning, I ended up limping around to my other appointments. Chest X-ray, labs, leukemia doc, pharmacy, (got a yum lunch in here), then my endocrin doc, back to pharmacy.

The tech numbed me up so much, I was numbed all the way down to my right toes hours later. I came home and passed out while watching Footloose. I think that's what you are supposed to do when you watch that movie.

I'm still having problems walking, but I hate to take anything for it. Makes you too groggy. Thanks to my 'Bubellah' Monkey Boy for sending me funny text messages all day. Because there was nothing funny about today.

Tomorrow I only have a few appointments, but my schedule is now three pages long. All kinds of tests. I'm glad they are starting to do this, but gosh, it's exhausing. I want me one of those little scooter things. But I know this walking is good for me.

I can do this. I am doing this. With a sore ass, but still.

Today your assignment is to give someone a massage. The world would be a better place if people gave more massages. And if you don't have anyone to give a massage, go get one. You've earned it.

Huntin' Wabbits

We caught a squirrel today. We are going to rebait for the raccoons tonight. I feel all rustic and hunter like.

I have a ginourmous clinic day tomorrow. Like five appointments. One of which gives me the heebs - the bone marrow aspiration. They hurt, plain and simple. But I can do it.

My brother is in town. He will have a big week too.

I now have a sore throat. I'm hoping it's nothing, but it's really bothering me. Good thing I'm going to see like 80 doctors tomorrow.

I'm watching the Bachelor in Paris now, so I must go.

I think there is a raccoon at my door. Matter of fact, I know there is. EEKS!

Trapped

Ok. So the raccoons didn't get trapped. But I am pretty sure the handyman patched up the hole because there has been no more activity in the walls. Since I've been so "oysgematert" from all the late nights, this is totally a blessing. They were playing on the roof the other night, but the crazy wall festivities are hopefully a thing of the past.

It is now 10:48am and I just woke up. I woke up several times before, but I'm just now getting out of bed.

[aside]
I'm also eating a baby Twix bar. You see, the Sister's went beserko and sent me the most amazing care package. I couldn't decide what to eat for breakfast, so in the meantime I hit the box for some chocolate. Now I have an Ipod - woo woo woo (you know the earth will end now that I have some technology), some great shopping fundage for my fav store Tar-get, some more Starbucks moola, some candy for my stash, and lots of fun little stuff to take with me to the hospital. I'm so excited. And I really want to eat just candy for breakfast today. Does this mean that Sarah really is here with me? I'm thinking so. I love you sisters. You all are awesome.

I think Sarah needs to be here. We are starting the ball rolling next week. My brother is coming up for pre-registration on Tuesday. Unfortunately he is getting over strep throat, so this makes it interesting - I can't be around him.

They are going to register him and do all kinds of tests. He is supposed to do his shots starting Friday or Saturday. The shots will up his stem cell count. He has to do them for four or five days. Then they like take his blood out and get the cells out and return the rest of the blood. They are doing this the week after. Two weeks and I should have cells!! Then I'm in the hospital for like a month.

I don't know how many days it will be and what all they have to do to me before then, but this is kind of scary. I keep feeling like I'm not ready somehow, but I will just suck it up and do it. It's too late to turn back. So we will just have to see where this goes. I'm glad I'm not alone.

I can do this. And I have candy.

Your assignment today is to see a movie. I went to dinner and saw Brokeback Mountain with Sis #1 the other day. I'm not totally sold on the Oscar buzz, but it was a good movie with some great scenes. More importantly, I finally saw 40 Year Old Virgin last night. Now that was damn funny. If you haven't seen it, rent it. Don't let the kids see it because it has 29308 f*bombs in it. But it was hilarious. I wasn't expecting to like it as much. So go to the movies. Eat chocolate or Twizzlers and popcorn. And a diet coke - you know - to negate the calories of the candy.

Oy Vey - Another Raccoon Day

Trap empty. Took the food, moved the trap. Empty.

2am - crazy amounts of activities. I found a flashlight and saw raccoon footprints all over the patio. They are all up in the walls. And on the roof.

This is going to call for the experts. I need some sleep.

Ok. Off to get my labs done.

Oy Vey - Part Two

The handy man came by. Left a big racoon trap full of bread.

He said there is a ginourmous hole in the side of the house. I knew I wasn't crazy. He was going to board it up, but wasn't sure if the critters were still hiding in there or not.

He will be back to check on the trap tonight. It's creepy and set right outside my door. Ick ick ick.

Ok. Who is the fun little angel who sent me the first season of Coupling? They live in Brooklyn. I'm so looking forward to watching that. I heard it is really funny. Now I can pass on Maury for a change.

Thanks also to my CJ for the nice visit and the cookies and milk. I think I'm going to go pour a glass right now. It was fun to have a visitor in the middle of the day. Especially when they bring foodstuffs.

Oy Vey

The raccoons must go. Last night they started in at 10:30 and went on and off until 4am.

I'm getting no sleep. Monkey Boy thinks they could be squirrels too since they are in the wall and it's such a small space. They aren't even afraid of me anymore as when I bang on the wall, they just get quiet, then go back to scratching and clawing.

All I know is that I need sleep. It makes me weak and weird when I don't sleep. I have had some major ouchie stomach for the past few days too, and when I'm tired, I just can't deal with it. Since I take 293483 prescriptions a day, it's hard to figure out what the issue is. All I know is that it's easier to turn off my phone, pull the covers up, and go to sleep.

Today is a day where I'm too tired to write. So not good.

I can do this. But I hate critters.

Your assignement today is to get your laundry done. Because I haven't finished mine. My red counts are so low that it's taken me like 3 days to do mine. And I'm one that used to do laundry every day and never had dirty clothes. This is so frustrating for me. So get it all finished. Crank it out today/tonight.

I need a good shower. It will be a priority today.

I should have napped

Some days I just don't think it's fair to think about the future.

I don't know if I can explain that. Or if it means anything to anyone but me.

Right now it just feels wrong.

Woo

Today I am officially divorced. Thanks to Sis #1 for standing in for me in court and my awesome attorney Diane. They take such good care of me.

It's bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.

Have some cake for me today. And if you are married, go hug and kiss and kiss your spouse/partner.

creepy raccoons

Ok. It's 1:53am.

This raccoon or whatever the hell it is is trying to get in the house. I actually opened the door and screamed at it. Like that helped... NOT. I have no idea what it is because it's pitch black out there and I don't have a flashlight.

But it's a big creature. It was in the wall scratching around and then got all quiet. I heard it come back, opened the door and it was right there but I couldn't see it. I yelled again so it wouldn't jump at me or try to get in my room.

This is like some freaky tv movie. And now I'm wide awake. I swear if I had a gun it would be dead. But then I'd have to like guns. Or think it was ok to keep them in the house. Which I don't.

Freaky creature. Go AWAY. I need to sleep damnit.

And I sure didn't like George Bush pre-empting Boston Legal. Don't they know I live for certain tv shows now?