debutaunt.com

The Debu Shuffle

Ok, I have officially lost 40 pounds. This week alone, I have lost 16 pounds. It's the diet nobody wants.

But I want to keep the weight off. I like the difference in my face. I like seeing my collarbones and feeling my hip bones sticking out. The thinness of my thighs (sort of), and the angular lines where there weren't any before. I want to be strong though and healthy. Mostly strong.

I'm eating well, but what I eat just runs through me. The immodium works a bit, but I also have to take other meds for stomach cramps. It's a frustrating cycle, part of the graft vs. host in my stomach, but they prescribed a new drug today, so lets hope that helps out a bit.

It is making me weak. Mom has been pushing me in a wheelchair, but I did try to walk around some today. When I do walk, I totally shuffle like I'm an 80 year old man.

I start my physical therapy next week. I want to be strong again. I'm a muscle bound amazon, I can't have these wimpy thigh muscles. The rest of me feels pretty strong. I think my hands are good from months of typing, although I do have problems opening jars, but what's new.

I really wish I had something more interesting to type about than my gut issues. But that's about what I am dealing with.

I want Shoshie to come up next week. My parents are celebrating their 42nd anniversary on the 4th of April, and I need a babysitter so they can go out to dinner and a movie. I know Shosh needs distracting because our beloved Nikki is going to save little Cambodians for months on end. Although apparently it's going to be like in the mid 80's here. Bizarre.

I know that Sarah is right on top of me. Even though I felt icky today, one of the walks I went on was to the vending machine to get an ice cream drumstick. I figured for the first time in my life I am going to just eat what the hell I want to since I'm dropping so many bones.

I can do this. But I don't want to put any of this weight back on. If I'm stuck being miserable, at least I'm liking the way my bones are sticking out.

Your assignment today is to cherish your ability to eat. I can't imagine people who go through cancer and get sick all the time and just can't eat. Food tastes good. It nourishes you. It can make you sick if you eat too much, but when I'm able, I will be sure to eat so many fresh fruits and veggies for the rest of my life (they are off the debu_food list for a long while due to bacteria risks) I miss enjoying a meal. Not worrying about taking meds with it and what is going to do what to my stomach. I just can't wait to simply enjoy a meal.

So make something tasty tonight and totally savor it.

She's Right

A good deb friend: "Deb, when are you ever going to be grateful?"

She's right.

I was reading Oprah's magazine. She is like the all powerful - like the Wizard in Oz..

In this last issue of her magazine, she went to Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor, humanitarian, Nobel Peace Prize winner. (see.. only Oprah could pull that off on her birthday).

But what she said has really stood in my brain since I read it.

This year my fervent prayer is to be a channel for the deepest spiritual essence of my life. To know for sure that there are no ordinary moments. That to be alive is the most extraordinairy thing we know.

To be alive is the most extraordinary thing we know.

I had to be reminded of that. I have to be reminded of that. I am reminded of that. And I will try every day for the rest of my life to never ever forget it. I am grateful to be alive. I cannot ever forget that.

I have gone through an amazing medical procedure. I am lucky that this medical miracle could be performed. I am lucky that I have the love and support of my family and friends. I am lucky to live in Houston and live near the med center. I am lucky that hundreds of strangers and friends donated money to help pay part of my expenses. I am lucky that strangers took time out of their day so that I could get the blood products I needed when I need them. I am lucky and amazed that one of my siblings matched me 100%. I could go on. Yet I haven't been lately. I haven't been for a while now.

I've been wallowing. I've been focused on how crappy I have been feeling and the long road ahead of me. I've been sad and let that sadness overwhelm me. I am letting the pain and sleeplessness and frustration impede my goals.

I need to get better. I have the most lovely, wonderful, sweet, amazing child. I know that everyone says their kids are special. But there really is something otherworldly about my Zoe. When she is near me, she amazes me. She is so careful and loving. I adore that child. She is truly my reason for living. She is the reason I need to push through this pain and get to the other side. She is the reason to wake up and hurt and still move. I miss her every minute of every day.

She needs me, but not as much as I need her. I need that child.

I am glad to be alive. Yes, there are things in my life I wish I could change. I want to be married. I want to be loved. I want to just be with a normal man who adores me and with whom I could build a life with.

But I don't have that. And I can't think about that any more. I want to think about it. I want that with every fiber of my being, but I just need to focus on the now. Focus on what I need to do.

I can't worry about my job (or maybe lack thereof), or my finances, or what I will be doing soon after all of these appointments end - when my 100 days are up. I have to have a solidary focus, which is to get better. I must. I must. God will have to sort the rest. I can't worry about it - because it's not like worrying will change anything, just as much as wanting to be married will make it so.

And I must never forget that I'm so lucky to be alive. I feel stupid for forgetting that and being ungrateful.

I love my daughter. It's not a choice, it's like breathing.

I can do this. I have made it this far.

Your assignment today is to reflect on what Ms. Oprah has laid out for you. People have crappy days. People get tired of the rat race. Tired of mean bosses and traffic and rude people. The day-to-day ho hum of life.

But you have life. You have to make your life and be grateful for it. It's the only one you've got. So take care of yourself. Treat yourself well. And be grateful for that breath. For that cold snowy day. For the heat of the sun on your face. For the laughter of your child or the kiss of your spouse. For a drink out with a friend. Call your mom if you can. Or drink a good cup of tea. Work out. Make your body feel good.

I'm glad to be here today. I really am.

P.S. Meerkat, I love you.

Brush with greatness.

Today while sitting for my clinic, the most extraordinary looking woman passed by with the nurse, bypassing the checkin station.

I was stunned. Former Texas Governor Ann Richards was in my clinic. I was the only one to recognize her. She has cancer and is being treated at MD Anderson.

I saw her a few times, and really wanted to say hello. I couldn't do it. Back in the day I worked on a conference for a famous Austinite, and she spoke at our conference. She was feisty and funny and I was a big fan. I went to school with her daughter and have always really liked her.

I was too shy to say anything to her. I really didn't want to bother her.

So when I was finished with my treatment today, I went to her room (next door to mine) and quietly knocked. She was in bed, under blankets and looked tired. But she was so beautiful still. I told her I was a St. Ed's grad and a big fan of hers. I briefly spoke of the conference and told her that I had worked for her friends. I wished her well with her treatment and she did to me also. She was so gracious. Then I thanked her and again wished her good luck.

I hope she kicks cancer's ass as well. She's strong and amazing and women like us need to kick ass and take names.

I never thought I'd be brave enough to say anything to her, but I am glad I did.

Go Ann go! I love you!

Withdrawals, sleep deprevation, and icky belly

I'm still sad but at least not sobbing. And I'm done writing about that. It's my hate to have, but I just don't have it. And I never will. Regardless of the heartbreak, I have to think back on the joy, support, much cherished love and laughter he brought me when I really needed someone. So I will focus on that. And that's all I'm going to focus on there.

I have a job to do.

Thank you for your love and support.

Today is day five of exhaustion. I love being out of the hospital. I love sleeping in my bed. That's the most amazing thing. I have a king size bed. It's nice to roll around and lounge without the iv tubes and pole.

But I have had the worst stomach issues of my entire life. The first three nights I spent in the can with the dia of the rear. There's nothing like falling asleep on the toilet. So then they made me take immodium because I got seriously dehydrated, so now instead feel like I'm backed up like the Katy Freeway. Constant stomach pain.

I wake up with the most breathtaking pain in my stomach - so I start the day with some painkillers. Then comes breakfast with 17 different pills and two shots. Gagging these pills is horrible.

So then comes the doctors appointments. Except I have now lost 37 lbs (7 lbs overnight yesterday), and I can barely walk. Mom's been pushing me in a wheelchair. I go get my blood drawn, then go to the BMT center to get fluids. Hours of fluids. Today I had seven hours of magnesium and fluids because my electrolytes are off. Which means I will spend all night peeing. I have dreams of peeing. I wake up and thing "Mrs. Haversham needs to go pee." This is my brain keeping myself from peeing my pants and doing the pee pee dance.

Who the hell is Mrs. Haversham?

I am really having a hard time dealing with this treatment. Lots of walking. Lots of stomach pain. Lots of laying in bed. I start physical therapy next week to try to replace the muscle loss.

I got a bone marrow biopsy today. I was supposed to get sedated, but like the loser I am, I had one sip of diet cranberry juice this morning, so they wouldn't do it. So I went in, like I usually do, and just sucked it up and got stuck in the hip. I'm still sore. I will be for at least a week. And it always makes me cry. I hate them, but this one will show if I'm in remission and how much my brother's cells have grafted.

I can do this. But I'm tired as hell.

Again, thanks for the comments. I'll let the readers vote on the band name.

Today your assignment is to be grateful to be alive. I have been through hell this past month, but I'm still here. So enjoy today. Really enjoy today. I may feel like crap, but I'm going to try to smile a few times.

Closed

I have a need to close debutaunt.com for a while.

I know you all care very much, but right now I just can't do it. No matter how much I am trying. Sadness and despair cut deeper than cancer.

I never felt like I couldn't go on, but I just can't. No amount of cheerleading will change that. I can't do this. Not for me, not for Zoe, not for anyone.

I'm giving up for a while. Maybe forever. I really just am not going to be able to do this.

Sorry. I didn't mean to disappoint everyone, but I just do.

out

Nearly sprung. Mom is on her way to help me finish packing.

I'm excited about my new digs; however, the tv/internet won't be connected until next week. I might be MIA for a few days, but I will be well fed and hopefully well rested.

I love you all. Thank you for loving me back.

I can do this. I'm going home.

Uma

Thank you.

I will be ok. I always am. It just is what it is. And I do feel like I deserve it because I wanted it so much. I don't care what anyone else says. I wanted to believe it. I wanted that more than anything. Which was stupid. Always stupid to rely on anyone else for your happiness.

I just want to be normal. Boring. I just want to be a mom. That's about it.

I can do this. I don't have a choice.

The Saddest Smile I Have Ever Smiled

The Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die.
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go:
You gave me more to live for,
More than you'll ever know.

Well, this is our last embrace,
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall?
Baby, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
Oh, you know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say "no, this can't happen to me"?
And did you rush to the phone to call?
Was a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying
"maybe... you didn't know him at all,
you didn't know him at all,
oh, you didn't know"?

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
're burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes, and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over...over...

You have to stop regretting your life.

Saturday

if I'm "walking, talking, eating and moving" and able to keep these meds down, I'm sprung like a chicken this Saturday.

Betrayal. Just beware the internets. They don't always love you as much as they say they do. And sometimes when they do, it still breaks the fuck out of your heart.

I just don't know what to do and it's making me nearly not able to function. I must cope. I have to. I have no choice. But I have never felt so surrounded by love yet so all alone in my life.

My heart is totally broken, but I'm here having to have a smile on my face so they can see that I'm well. I have never felt so unwell in my life.

I know. I know I have Zoe. I have much to look forward to in my life. But part of what I was looking forward to is now just, well, gone.

I can do this. I'm just too sad.

Stunned

Today. I was betrayed.

I can't even find the words.

And I'm trying really hard to figure out just what I did to deserve any of this. I must have done something. And I can't write about it, and I can't even bring myself to talk about it. And I don't know if I ever will be able to.

I knew it was going to be one of those days when I threw up pizza and broccoli soup (lunch from yesterday) at 8:00am today.

I just want to sleep. And then crawl in a big old hole and cry my fucking head off.

I hate my life.

Eric W. Shaffer, 7/21/81-3/17/06

I'm sobbing.

I'm aching right now.

Amanda's dear husband, Eric, lost his battle with cancer. Motherfucking cancer. I hate it.

Back in February, she wrote this. It made me sob as much as I am right now.

an open letter to my husband

Dear Eric:

Today is the one-year anniversary of the diagnosis of your relapse. I face this grim reminder with many conflicting emotions: the carefree beach-bumming of our first ten months of marriage lies in starkest contrast with everything that happened after that fateful day. Sometimes, it seems like a day spent without discussing doctors, prescriptions, or treatment is so far away that it must only exist in my distant memory. The rituals of maintaining the medicine cabinet and driving to various clinics have replaced the lazy mornings of pancakes and pajamas until noon. Although you have survived 80+ spinal taps, 10 months of different forms of chemo, and a bone marrow transplant methodology (non-matched donor) that has only been in use for four years, I know that your biggest concern is the effect that leukemia will have on your family's future. You worry about the financial impact of not being to work on top of the added expense of doctor's copays. The fact that we had to relocate for your treatment has weighed heavy on your mind. Even though you had hidden behind the "kids are annoying and expensive" guise, I know that you were heartbroken when we found out that we would not have the option of making a small, perfect human being together.

You once asked me if I would do it all again. In spite of everything, dear, the answer is yes; because all of it happened with YOU. You are greater than the sum of your parts. The love in your heart far outweighed the effects of your faulty bone marrow; the beauty of your soul shone through even when you were bald and bloated from the chemotherapy. I used to think that strength was being independent and influential to others; you have taught me that this quality instead is a result of the kindness that one shows to their fellow beings. You have shown me that bravery is being fearless in the face of the most unlikely of odds. Eric, you are greater than any disease that could be thrown our way. You WILL beat this.

I love you and can't wait to see what the next year brings in our life together.

Yours,
Amanda

Amanda and Eric's bravery stunned me. To read about his death tonight angers and saddens me. She and her husband - such a young couple. This disease sucks. It's hideous. Fuck you, cancer. I will fight it with everything I have. For people like Sarah, and Eric and Clem and Amanda. For my Zoe and my loved ones. Fuck you, cancer. I am going to beat your fucking ass.

I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!

I hope that you all can open your hearts and find your way over to her blog to encourage Amanda and her voice. She was always such a source of encouragement and support to me. Her love for her husband was so inspirational.

My heart goes out to that lovely woman.

RIP Eric.

The Rest of the Q's

I just got a massage that was delightful. Patti is normally a doula and does pre-natal massages, but she's got the best touch and specializes in massage for women. If you are in Houston, I highly recomment her even if you aren't preggers. Here is a link to her site:

Massag-ey Goodness

Also, for the loved ones in your life, here is how to give someone a gift certificate

I wanted to cry it felt so good. I've been in the hospital for a month, and almost all the time people don't touch you or hug you or anything. It was like my entire body was crying out. Not to mention, the radiation has really dried up my skin - and it's peeling in parts. I feel like a new woman. This better be the week to get out - I feel incredible.

-----------------------------

So.... there were quite a few questions that went unanswered from my last Question & Answer session:

FROM D (aka Monkey Boy)
What's the first Deb/Zoe outing going to be when you get well?
Most likely it will be to the Zoo. We have a yearly pass to the Zoo and I love going there. Not so much when it's hot, but on a cool day with some shade, it's a given. Either that or a movie. We used to do regular mommy/Zoe date nights on Friday, where we would go eat sushi and/or go get a pedicure.

For a serious outing, I really would love to take that child on a vacation. A real one. This could be a possibility, but I have no idea where. Disney, Hawaii, Austin... not sure. I think someone else may have an idea. I think you know who this person is too.

FROM PATRICK:
How did you know you were sick? I mean what was the symptom that caused you to go to the doctor?

I was having a hard week. The entry from October 19th was really disconcerning. I had gone camping the week I got diagnosed, then Zoe got bronchitis. I had a really bad headache and a numb arm on October 22nd and had Sis #2 take me to the ER by my house at 6:30am. They did a catscan and a chest x-ray and some bloodwork, where they discovered that my white blood count was really high.

I asked how high high was, and they said it was 117,000. I asked where "normal" was supposed to be and he told me under 11,000. I knew I was up shit creek then. That night I was transferred by ambulance to MD Anderson where I have been undergoing treatment ever since.

Turns out the "symptoms" were actually because I had a major major sinus infection. This is really common apparently.

FROM SARAH at misantropic-tendencies
can you eat ice cream? or will you be able to soon? if so, there is something i'd love to send you!

I love ice cream. My diabetes and blood sugar levels, however, do not. *sniff sniff*

FROM LISA O
My question is what is your favorite perfume?

I like Estee Lauder Beyond Paradise, but have tons of it because it's my only vice I love to buy.

FROM CAMI
1. What is wedding soup?

2. Tom and Jerry or Tweety and Sylvester?

I think I answered the Wedding soup question before. Chicken broth, lots of veggies, yummy goodness.

2. Tweety and Sylvester - I like Tweety - he's sweet.

FROM ANGIE
1. When you can eat anything you want again, what will it be?
2. When you're totally better, would you consider having a giant party for your big internets family?
3. This is awful, but I'm curious: Does all the hair fall out? Like, arm hair, leg hair, etc?
4. What's Monkey Boy like? Where did you meet him?
5. What celebrity do you have a crush on?

1. When my taste buds are closer to what they should be, I am sooooo headed to Chuy's for some nachos and a freaking MARGARITA!!!! They make fajita nachos that are of the Tex-Mex gods' favorite. It is my favorite meal of all time. They also have the best salsa. But now, my buds are wack. So even Tex-Mex would not exactly taste right.

2. Yes. When I'm totally better, I sooooo am going to have a party for my internets friends. I truly believe they have saved my life. Their love, comments, gifts (too many to even count now), love for my Zoe, support, financial assistance, have really reminded me that this is a temporary thing. That there will be life after this. That I can do this. It really really really has meant the world to me and has changed my entire life. I could never repay them. But we can have a party. Especially with my SWLF sisters. And there will be bowls and bowls of candy and lots of Tex Mex and Margaritas. I'm a great party planner, so this is sooooo going to happen.

3. Hair. Actually one of the questions that gets asked a lot. My hair started falling out in clumps. It was like having a dead animal on my head. I would brush it and it would fall out in large clumps. So I had them shave it. But I did lose my ear hair, nose hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and leg hair. And yes, no bikini wax needed. Which is awesome and kind of odd because I feel like a 13 year old girl.

4. Monkey Boy is the lovliest man I have ever known. I promised a while back that I would not write about him. Maybe one day, but for now, he's my secret. I do adore him. I know I always will.

5. I used to have a crush on Matthew McConoughey. No more.

FROM JESSICA
1. What is involved in donating stem cells?
2. Can you be entered in a registry, like the bone marrow doner registry?
3. What are the qualifications?
4. What is Zoe's favorite color?

1 -4. Here is the info
5. Red, actually.

whew!

Pinkity Pink Pink

Someone is just like her momma.

When they went to "Build A Bear" Workshop, Zoe made the most pink pink pink poodle dog with a pink miniskirt. Yesterday she brought it and wanted me to have it. My child is so awesome. So awesome.

My doctor is working on getting me off the IV meds and onto oral medications. He said we should know by Thursday if I will be ok to get out on Friday. I really hope so. I am sooo beyond ready to get to my apartment, to see my folks, to eat my mom's cooking and to sleep like crazy.

I have been feeling pretty ok. Not eating a whole lot because the taste in my mouth is still kind of yuck. Water tastes like metal. And I'm finally sick of all the food on the menu. Sis #1 is on her way with some pizza from heaven (aka Paulies), so I'm hoping that it hits the spot. I didn't eat much for breakfast, so I'm a wee bit hungry.

Pray like the dickens that I am meant to get out of here this week. I need it. I need out of here.

I can do this. I have a sweet boy visiting me this week and I just moisturized my hands.

Today your assignment is to eat somthing yummy, but healthy. It's the beginning of spring and there are so many great veggies just ready to be eaten. I'm still not able to eat the raw stuff, but go find a new recipe to cook with something great for spring. Make it simple, but fantastic. Use veggies/fruits that are in season. Cook for yourself or someone else. Make your family surprised.

I also want you to move. I've been working on my walking (as the steroids make your muscles a bit weak), so I want you all to get off your butts and move - dance - walk - yoga - whatever you can to get those muscles awake and alive for Spring. My favorite time of year!!

Thank you all so much for the comments and well wishes. It's been a rough week, but it's getting a bit brighter.

Sneaky Doctors

This morning my doc said that if Zkat was not sick that I could sneak down to the 2nd floor atrium and see her. He was like... well you must see the birthday girl!!

I was glad I was wearing a mask, but she still saw my tears. She sat in my lap for almost an hour. She's so big. So sweet. I miss that child. I miss her so much.

Thanks to Sis #2 for dragging out her other two kiddos to take the time to bring me my angel. Sincere, big time prayers to her also that her house will sell, BTW (it's a cute 3 bedroom house in NW Houston with a big yard and a pool - email me if you are interested). I want it to sell because they need some room!!! And because Sis #2 and BIL #2 are so awesome and amazing for taking in my Zoe when I had no choice back in October. I love them humangous infinity.

Happy Birthday, my lovely girl. I was so blessed today to get to see her. She truly is my heart. Thank you sneaky docs. Thank God for today. Thank God for my lovely Zoe. I needed that more than anything.

"I want you to know that there is no way in the world that anyone on the face of the earth could love you any more than I do. I love you."

Happy Sixth Birthday, Zoe My Love

Today is my lovely Zoe's sixth birthday. Six years I have been blessed to be the mother of this gorgeous, amazing, magical child. I don't think I could love her any more.

She is absolutely my reason for fighting this disease. She is truly my reason for looking forward to the rest of our lives together. So many days during this transplant have been agonizing, supremely painful, and gut wrenchingly awful. So many days I just wanted to sleep them all away and give up. Compared to the five rounds of chemo, this really has been so difficult. I really have wanted to give up - it's been so hard.

But then I look at her beautiful face. Her lovely beautiful smile. The love she has for me in here eyes. And the times we spend all snugged up. The laughter she has when I tickle her or when she tells me a funny joke. The love she has for life and me and our family. The joy I get when I see her play with her cousins (aka her brothers and sisters).

And I think there is no better reason for living. There is no better reason to have hope. There is no better reason to fight and kick this cancer's ass and live and live and love that child. To give her all my love. All that I have.

I miss her so incredibly. I miss her every minute of every day.

I know that we will celebrate soon. There will be days to celebrate. And today is her day, but there is going to be another day to have with her. Many many days.

And there is you too. And you know who you are. And I expect fully for you to be there too. And we are blessed.

One Month

I've been here a month.

I can't stop crying.

I miss Zoe like crazy. Her birthday is tomorrow and I feel helpless. My sister tried really hard to make her party special yesterday and for some reason Zoe was still sort of unhappy. That makes me so sad. Sad for Sis #2 because I know she tried really hard to make it special and sad for Zoe because she was unhappy. And Sis #2 did so many cool things for Zoe too. I don't know what the problem was. It made me cry. It made Sis #2 cry.

I know it's me. I know she misses me as much as I miss her. I want to see her. I want to hold her. I am so tired of being here. I am hating the smell of this place, the feel of this place, the meds, the bed, everything. I just want to go home. Except it isn't even my home. It's a temporary apartment near the hospital. It's the short term answer to my home. And after that, who knows? I'm sure to have lost my job. I don't know where I'll be living. I don't know what I'm going to be doing or be able to do. I don't want to think about it, but it always looms heavy.

I want my child and I have no idea when I will get to see her. The doctor told me it may be months until I will get to see her as even if my counts are good, they are giving me immune suppressant drugs to keep me from rejecting my brother's cells. And those don't mix well with six year old germs. Then she will be going to see her dad for part of the summer, so that's an even longer time away from her - like six more weeks.

I can't take this anymore. I miss her. It's agonzing. I bought her a few presents for her birthday, but it will never compare with holding her in my arms.

She asked me the other day why I got sick. I was so taken aback that I could barely answer her. She told me she didn't want me to die. This is worse than anything I am going through right now. I hate this. I hate this. I want to be with my child. I want to comfort her and tell her that I will be ok. That we will be together again and that I am still her mom.

I don't want to die. I want to be Zoe's mom. I want my old life back. I want my daughter back. I don't know why I'm so upset today.

I know I can do this. Today just sucks ass.

Picture from my Daddy

I miss you, Zoe.

Graft vs. Host of my Belly

Well the doc came in this morning and said the biopsy of my throat shows some graft vs. host going on. Which explains why I can't keep any food down whatsoever. Not even ice chips.

He said that it is fairly typical and that they will treat it with steroids. I sure hope that it works because I could not be any more thirsty and hungry. I'm pretty frustrated and basically try to sleep as much as I can.

They did away with the monster catheter and got rid of my morphine pump. But they hit me up with a wee bit of morphine last night because my stomach hurt so bad. I also ache all over and wish for a massage. My counts are pretty decent, which makes me happy.

I've also lost about 30 lbs since I've been here. I don't even want to think about that because I'm so wimpy and haven't been walking as much as I can. I just feel so weak when I'm not able to eat.

Well, I'm going to snooze a bit. TNT is showing Back to the Future and tonight is The Gladiator. Lots of movies I haven't seen in ages, so that's kind of cool.

Thanks for the words. They really do keep me focused when I feel like the suck.

I can do this. It will be easier when I can eat, but I still can do this.

Your assignment today is to enjoy your weekend. Do something fun. If you have kids, go do something with them that you normally wouldn't. If you don't have kids, go enjoy the weather and do something cool outside. Or read a book you want to. Just do something fun. March Madness and all.

Houston Debu_Blood Drive

A public service announcement from Sis #2

PLEASE READ! PLEASE READ! PLEASE READ!

TODAY!!!!!!

Saturday, MARCH 18th from 9am to 5pm-

St. Maximilian Catholic Church
(on West Rd./Wheatland, west or outside of Beltway 8) -

is holding a Blood Drive in Debby's name.

Please donate.

*Even if you can't donate, maybe you can find someone who can.

It will be your GOOD deed for the day, and it will help my sister more than you will ever know.

See you there!

P.S. I love you very much Sis #2 for doing this, and for having Zoe's birthday party for me tonight!

Lots O' Sleeping

I can't seem to stay awake.

I guess it beats the alternative of horking and being in pain.

Slowly I will make it through this. So I think sleeping is a grand thing.

Happy Baldpatrick's day to you.

Your assignement today is to pretend you are Irish (if you aren't) and celebrate in grand fashion. Drink something green for me. Or pinch someone. Or write a limerick.

I Want to Go Home

Well, although my counts are fairly high, my spirits are getting low.

I can't seem to stop throwing up. Even the good meds aren't really working. And phenergen knocks me out, so all I do is sleep then wake up and throw up. They can't seem to get the timing of the meds right. Either that or I'm just nauseated all the time.

Tomorrow they are going to put a small camera down my throat to see if I'm having graft vs. host disease - where my body is rejecting my brother's cells. I am going to be consciously sedated. It sounds horrific.

The catheter stuff is clearing up, and boy am I ready to get rid of that thing.

I know I can do this, but this hill is really steep.

Tonight The Princess Bride is on AMC, so I will be watching. That always cheers me up.

I love you internets.

Today your assignment is to get yourself your favorite drink and chug away. I miss that ability. I can only take little sips and so often I'm really thirsty. I just want to chug a big ol fountain Diet Coke and eat some Mexican food. But for now, I'm no longer eating again. And when I do it's jello and soup.

I still have a bunch of questions to answer. I will post them soon when I'm not so sleepy.

Your Mother Wears Army Boots

Well I'm not quite Diddy yet. I can't seem to keep my food down now, and feel pretty crappy. I hate throwing up. Hate it. But I cough and that makes me heave, or like this afternoon, I swallowed this tiny pill and that was all she wrote.

I have been taking advantage of the pharmaceuticals as much as possible. Not sure if they are working, but they do make me hallucinate. I was on the phone with Monkey Boy and out of the blue said, "Zoe, don't forget your backpack." I think Monkey Boy should tape our conversations as I rarely remember them, and they are very bizarro.

I'm watching the Breakfast Club. It's not quite the same when they take out all of the curse words.

Ok, impossible to continue typing as after I threw up, the nurse gave me a phenergen/ benadryl cocktail that is knocking me out. I don't want to sleep because I napped the day away, but I'm thinking I don't have much choice.

The view from my window is pretty right now. The sun is setting and the sky is really blue.

I miss my family. And I miss Zoe. She went to the dentist today to have some cavities filed. I'm sure she's not too happy about that.

Jeez I am high.

I can do this. I'm craving candy, and most of us know why.

Your assignment today is to go outside. Even if the weather is crap, just go out and enjoy the day. I haven't been outside for almost a month. I miss it. Go do something outside for me.

Big Gulp

I'm still here. heh.

Sis #1 dropped off more Wedding Soup and some new nephew drawings. She looked at my catheter bag (the one that goes into my bladder) and said it looked like a Big Gulp. All three liters of it. Major fluids going in and just as much going out. It's beyond uncomfortable, but I'm doing what I have to do to stop peeing blood. Don't you just love all this too much information.

I'm still not really eating solids, but have been forcing myself to eat as much as I can. The nutritionist came in today and said that I had been eating between 500 - 900 calories a day. It's the diet nobody wants.

I watched Maury for you all today, but it would have been worthless for me to take notes. Basically a bunch of "You not my baby daddy" DNA tests.

Then I took a marathon .nap session. I feel like Rumplestilskin. It's nearly 8:00 o'clock and I think I've been asleep at least 2-3 hours.

I'm ready for my bed. Since the cathater is still here, I'm thinkin that may be a while.

But I can do this. I have napped.

Your assignment for today is to reward yourself for a job well done. I walked a few laps the other day when I didn't feel like it, and Sis #1 gave me a blue ribbon (drawn on my board). Do something that you don't want to do, but is something that you must, then do something nice for yourself. Take a hot bath. Eat that perfect piece of chocolate. Buy yourself a spa treatment or massage. But only if you do something that you really don't want to do. No cheating here. There's no fun in cheating. But there is big fun in chocolate.

Feelin Puffy, but not so Diddy

I think I'm going to keep this short

Doin' ok. My whites went down to 6. But that happens. No worries. I'm tired and cannot get enough sleep. My rash is still funky looking. And I just wish I could dip myself in moisturizer (no baths here though).

They switched out my catheter and now are filling me with fluids so that I feel like Violet the blueberry from Willy Wonka. Got to get all that stuff flushed out so we can make sure it still works right.

So there you go. my post for today.

Mighty Morphine Power Ranger

My white counts have gone from 0.5 this Tuesday to 6.9 today (within the 'normal' range).

I can finally swallow liquids. I tried to eat a croissant this morning and nearly choked. Solids aren't going to happen for a while i'm sure.

I'm also having lots of blurry vision/tiredness in my eyes. Some side effect of something or rother.

And finally I'm still peeing blood. They are giving me meds for that, but Dr. C said that I could go home as soon as some of this other expected side effect stuff goes away. How cool is that?

Ok, enough of the boring bodily fluid/medical talk...

I've been online for a while and am shopping for Zoe's birthday present. (and before you get all kinds of altruistic on me, the child is in need of NOTHING except maybe her mom). They are kind of packed on top of each other over at Sis #2's house & she's been downsizing and getting her house in order so they can sell and move to a bigger casa.

Sis #2's house is a beautiful house, but in need of some TLC. But in this case TLC means Toddler's Leave Casa. Anyone with four kids under that age of eight (one of which is mine) can't get a house in clean shape when there are littles around. But they did a dang good job. I'd show you the listing, but then I'd have to kill you.

Anyway, it's just kind of a bummer to not be able to be with her on her birthday, which is March 20th. We've always had kind of just a mommy/Zoe special day. Usually started with Strawberry Shortcake, then some infrastructure work at the salon... haircuts, blowdrys, manicures, pedicures and I used to buy her a small bouquet of her very own flowers.

I can do this. I'll just have to have a Zoe makeup birthday when I'm better.

Your assignment for today is to help me think of fun things I can do for Zoe for her birthday since I won't be able to attend her birthday party.. Creative, inexpensive, and hopefully she will remember much later on in life instead of the fact that her mom was sick and wasn't able to share her day with her.

My typing is for the birds on this morphine. I can't wait to taper off these meds.

Hallucinating

I was sitting here, eyes closed and thinking about Zoe. She was sitting on my right knee and I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek and woke myself up.

Morphine or wishful thinking. I guess a bit of both. I will take it either way.

It felt so real.

Those words we all like to hear

Well after last night's cathater swap - where I had a nurse and a murse messing with my privaty bits. And I was totally righty whity yesterday when I said my catheter was a'leaking. It literally had a hole in it. I was feeling all three years old - getting pee in the bed.

Deb's itinerary for today:
Sleep a phenergen, ativan, benadryl, and zofran sleep o' death
Sleep more
Sit up
Throw up while drinking a tiny sip of water
Talk to my Monkey Boy
Talk to nurse
Talk to myself
Throw up again. real bad, hugely bad
Try to type and read email
Scratch like a morphene junkie
Fall asleep on the ffffffffffffffffffffffffffff key
Meet with the doctor and 2934839834 resident, intern-ish types (who knows, they all wear white coats)
Flash "My Doctor Posse" my backside when they want to inspect my rash on my back (can't wear pants, panties when you have a catheter, so these doc dudes and dudettes got the full debushow)
DRINK SOME WATER (YES, I DRANK SOME WATER!!)
get more benadryl (so I need to make this post quick)
get some platelets
Somewhere somehow I acually talked to my Yoda Yiddish Master
get some whole blood
ordered lunch that I probably won't eat (I ended up with half a can of Boost - yes!)
since I have jinxed myself saying that I swallowed
fall asleep four times during this post

Finish post seven hours later. But I finished. So "bless your heart."

And I got to hear those precious words that will change your life in a minute:

"Your new cells are engrafting."

I can do this. It's damn hard, but I can.

Bribe the Guards

The majority of the staff here take really awesome care of me. They know what they are doing, and generally are the best of the best. I know I've griped a time or two about them, but I can tell they really do care about us. And I respect them so much for being able to work with cancer patients. Patients who often are at their most sick and most vunerable. This disease often has such horrible (and big time disgusting) side effects.

They cheer me up in the middle of the night when i wake up crying. My first night here, way back in October, a nurse named Miranda came in to see what was wrong. I was sobbing. I told her what a bad day I had and how I just wanted my mom and I wanted to go home. She sat down next to me on the bed and put her arm around my shoulders. Obviously, all I really needed that night was a hug.

So I agree that one of the greatest things I could do for them is to get them care packages with lots of goodness. And since I'm stuck here on the 11th floor and can't leave, you all will have to be my goto guys/gals.

I was thinking of fun things like desk toys or pens, little gift baskets with hoo ha kind of stuff in it. Not expensive, but fun. Also, if you can safely pack cookies or other sweet things like candy. Would be totally cool.

They have a pretty rough job to do.

posted by Sis#1 at March 7, 2006 08:24 AM

I promise not to cherry pick the best stuff.

Also, please try to get them sent within the next week or so as I will be getting discharged (hopefully in a few weeks)

Thankyaverykindly

P.S. I am a diabetic, so no junk food or candy for moi. For the nurses, yes, but not for me. thanks

From When Harry Met Sally...

Don't f*ck with Mr. Zero.

When youare high on morphine, this line was hysterically funny.

Chips Ahoy

There is nothing like spending ten and a half hours in the bathroom. Sitting on my "debu_throne."

Especially when you are high as a kite during those ten + hours.

I got a nice sleep cocktail around 10pm last night and I'm still half tired or half high, So please forgive the craptastic entry. Hard to type when you are doing the head nodding/bobly thing.

I woke up around 1am last night. I really had to go pee. But the night nurse had locked me in the bed, with the bed alarm, as it's mandatory. So, Long story short, I go to use the "throne" and it's not very much, but it burns like the dickens.

I go back to bed, lay down and realize that I have to go. Again. Like way bad.

I go back in and, again, it's barely anything, but my ass. She on fire!!

I page the nurse and she guesses that I have a Urinarary Track Infection. Oh great. Just what I need now. Ug!

So, basically I would repeat this horrible pattern. For hours. The nurses are pretty much helpless as they can't really do anything without orders. And the doctors wouldn't give orders without seeing me. And none of them are coming in until they do rounds. But first they have a meeting.

Um. So why did no one warn me about these UTIs? Holy Mackeroli! ouch ouch ouch ouch

I literally sat on the toilet for ten and a half hours. The hell kind of medicine is that? When the doctor came in (not my doc rounding) I had just talked to Monkey Boy on the phone and was crying. The doctor was like, "she needs a catheter. Right away." See people, how easy that was?

Maybe I'vee been watching ER too much. I consider 10 hours on the can way more urgent than a 4 hour Viagra hardon.

I can do this. I have to watch my pee go into a bag now, but that's not going to stop me.

Your assignment for the day is to send me some goodies. Fun stuff. The debu_tribe has spoken. You said that we should bribe my nurses so they don't kill me on accident. Niiiiiiiiiiie!

Morphin with Morphine

This morphine stuff is kind of wiggin me out.

I'm still itchy. I have a lovely rash pretty much all over. I think my eyes are tired because I wake up pretty much every hour, cough way too hard, use the sucker thingy to suck up the phlegm, then cough some more, pump in more morphine, and go back to sleep. Then usually some nurse walks in for something or my IV tower starts beeping.

I'm writing all ADHD now.

The good news is that I would make a horrible junkie. I hate feeling all wiggity wack.

Wait. They just sang a song on the Oscars called "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp."

Double wait. That song just won an Oscar. Get the freak out of here!

Dr. Q did tell me this morning that he is off rounding duty for a while. So another doctor will be rounding in the mornings. Dr. Q then said, but I expect to see you in the Bone Marrow Transplant office in a few weeks.

Thank goodness. I hope he is right. Because I wouldn't be able to take much more of this.

*WARNING* the extended entry has kind of an ick picture

There's nothing as comfortable as having your skin ripped of when you are having your CVC dressing changed.

Ok, this wiggity wackity chick is going to bed.

I can do this. Even if I'm all drugged and scarred.

Day + 5

Update - haiku style

I have a fever
It is 99.9
fevers scare me bad

I have not eaten
Or had anything to drink
In two or three days

My pee is so dark
The color of Shiner Bock
That cannot be good

My throat really hurts
And I can't even swallow
Makes me hork sometimes

Morphine makes me itch
And I always feel so high
Not in a good way

I want to go home
But that won't be for a while
I miss my big bed

Disneyland or world
Zoe is at Disneyworld
Had to look that up

Sis #2 went
She took her whole family
They are the brave ones

I hate feeling punk
Makes me so want my mommy
But she has a cold

I'm at the right stage
Doctor says I'm doing well
Stay on target, yo!

I am hangin in
I have your love and support
I can so do this

Your assignment today (wow, I just nodded off and did a head bob thing)... anyway, your assignment today is to list your best "stupid human trick." Aside from being able to make any topic into haiku, I can do this odd wink thing with my eyes. Like I hold one closed flat and open the oher So let me have them.

Mooooooooo

Yes, laughing and being silly- very good healing energy. Deb, I hope you're feeling it, and feeling better and better!

Yes, I'm feeling it. What a surprise to get so many comments. You all are wacky! And yes, they make me smile.

But no, unfortunately, I'm not feeling better.

This morphine pump doesn't really do it for me. It makes me itch like crazy. If I pump it enough to kill the pain, it also makes me pass out for hours only to wake up in excrutiating pain again. This other drug, Delaudin (no I'm not going for the spelling of this) makes me throw up. I'm going to talk to my pharmacist to see if there is something else.

The mouth sores aren't what is bothering me. Now my throat hurts so bad that I can no longer swallow. Even when I suck on ice chips, I practically gag myself coughing.

Ok, speaking of itching, she benadryl'd me up so I'm passing out. I just did the head nod thing, so I have to bounce now. I've been up since about 3am.

I see that Sis #1 has to make a disco video. Now THAT would be funny.

Thanks for the blove (blog love). Y'all need to have a slumber party or something.

I love you internets

She Lives

I'm ok.

I just have been having a rough time with my throat. I have mouth sores, but am not able to swallow so I can't eat. I also have been doing a little bit of throwing up.

I now have a morphine pump. It scares the sh*t out of me.

And right now, I just got some platelets with some benadryl.

So I'm too high and sleepy to do much writing.

But I still love you all.

Your assignment today is to leave me the funniest joke you have ever heard. If you don't know any, well then just say 'hi.'

Thanks for all your well wishes. Hopefully I'll be back to my normal non-high self soon.

Ok. In the extended entry is a gross joke. Don't blame me - I didn't write it AND I warned you all.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Q & A. An Installment of Sorts

Wow. Lots of questions. I spent most of the day writing answers.

Here you go.

FROM SIS #1
1. Describe what is involved with the actual transplant day. (I keep getting people asking about "the operation." (not). Oh and the smell. (Tho of course, all I could smell was the inside of the mask).

No operation. My brother's cells were frozen. But basically it was like having a blood transfusion. The cells were the color of strawberry margarita. They split them into six small bags and hooked them up. They made me suck on a peppermint to get rid of the metallic taste that you get. And all I really had was this horrible tickle in the back of my throat that made me cough like crazy.

The smell, apparently, comes from what the preservative they use to store the cells. Some say it smells like creamed corn or tomato soup. Others say garlic. I can't smell it, but all the nurses know that you've had a transplant by the smell.

After that I took a snooze.

2. What is the question you get asked the most often?

"How are you feeling today?" is probably tied with "Is there anything that I can help out with?"

3. What is some things involved with the transplant stuff that would surprise people? What surprised you, if anything?

If your donor has a different blood type, when your cells engraft, your blood type changes to theirs. Radiation makes you sterile (hey, if I want more, I'll adopt). When you are discharged you will have months of appointments near daily. It's like a full time job.

I was surprised at how painful the mouth sores are. It's like when you bite the inside of your cheek except that it's all on the inside of your mouth. That and my lips are numb.

FROM DAWN @ LAWBRAT
"What is your favorite color?"

I like them all. But yes. Pink.

FROM NIKKI @ SWLF
1. What's your favorite color
2. How many different medicines do you take each day.
3. Of those how many go through your oh so cool triple CVS line (that my friends is the device implanted right under her collar bone where she received her stem cells)
4. Do you hate being weighed every day
5. Could you get Sis #1 to do a dance video for us.
6. Did you unpack yet.

1. My favorite color is rainbow.

2. I honestly don't even know anymore how many medicines I take. When I was out of the hospital, I took 17 different medications every day.

3. I don't know what goes in my line. Right now there are 9 bags of stuff hanging on my IV tower. I do know that one is fluids. And one of the other ones is called Tacrolimus, an anti-rejection drug.

4. I hate being weighed every day. I am one of those people that just don't ever really weigh myself. When I go to the doctor, I used to ask that they just tell me if I gained or lost weight. Mostly I hate it because they weigh you at 4am. They do this to ensure that you didn't gain some crazy amount of weight overnight and that you aren't retaining fluids. The doctors round early, so they weigh you early. Since they take vitals every four hours, they just weigh you at the 4am check.

5. I would love Sis #1 to do a dance video. She's hilarious. Although she would never do that in a milliondy bazilliondy years. Wonder if peer pressure would work?

6. Yes. I'm unpacked. Sis #1 came in and did a white tornado on my room. If you are going to be in a hospital room, this would be it. It's actually a really nice room. Especially now that I have my own art gallery.

FROM THE SARCASTIC JOURNALIST @ SHENUTS
Do suckers help for the mouth sores???

Also, is there anything that I can bring you?

I'm not sure about the suckers. I would think that it would irritate them as the inside of your mouth is really raw.

I haven't met any bitchy people here. I did have one smartass nurse that kind of worked my nerves, but generally everyone could not be any nicer. I have noticed that there are many employees at MD Anderson that have been here for a long time - one nurse has been here 30 years. That is really important to me because it means that they like their jobs. And that they are good at them. I know that most of the people here are some of the most compassionate people in the world. You would have to be to work with cancer patients and deal with some of the horrors here. I may complain a bit about them, but they really do care about you and want you to beat your cancer.

As far as bringing me anything, just bring me some pics of your cute little kids. Since I'm on dial up, I don't look at many photos.

FROM TRACI
Goofy or Pluto??!!!

I don't remember which one, but it's the one that doesn't talk.

FROM M_D
- What is your favorite song? By whom?
- If you could create a new species of animal, using any parts of any animal, what would you create and what would it look like?
-Can bunnies physically hop backwards?

"I Belong to You" by Lenny Kravitz

I don't know about new species, but I would love to create a dog that doesn't get too smelly and doesn't have the desire to roll around in poop right after you give it a bath.

Don't know about the bunnies, but that would be really funny looking.

FROM ECLECTIC @ ECLECTIC AND MULTI
My question: Do you read to Zoe over the phone or does she read to you?

Did you sleep well and are you having a good morning??

Zoez isn't into the phone. Usually when I call it's "himommybyemommygoingtoplaynow." But I miss reading to her the most.

Unfortunately I did not sleep well. I have a rash now, which looks like a sunburn, from the radiation. They had to give me Benadryl because it itched. I don't sleep well on medication.

I started off having kind of a crap morning as I was in some major pain. Two Darvon later and I'm having a better day. I have to say though that I truly hate pain meds. I want to remain coherent. They offered me morphine, but I'm afraid of that.

FROM MARTHA @ MOSQUITO
What is wedding soup?

If your mouth sores were animals what kind of animals would they be? And what would you do to/with them?

Wedding soup is this delicious soup with meatballs (like chicken or something) from the Grotto restaurant on Westheimer and 610. It's got lots of veggies in it and a broth that isn't too salty. It just makes you feel great when you eat it. They serve it with lots of yummy fresh bread too.

If my mouth sores were animals, they would be rat bastards. And I think I'd make them get this chemo so they could feel what it's like to have the inside of their mouths basically peel off.

FROM AMG
Do they let you wear shoes on your walks?

Are you visualizing your Bro's cells moving into their new place and expanding, dividing and growing to fill in the empty spaces in the same way that you are visualizing unpacking your stuff when you get to your new apartment?

I didn't really even bring any shoes. Mostly genie slippers and my trusty moon/stars slippers Paige gave me with Round One of my chemo. I miss my high heels as they make me well over 6 foot when I wear them. But because I have such low counts all the time, I haven't worn them in months. I don't wear them because I'd be afraid I'd feel weak or something and pull a falling off your shoe move. Not good on the ankles.

I haven't really visualized those cells yet, but you've motivated me to think on that tonight. Other than the rash and the mouth sores, I feel pretty strong. Bro #1 is a strong dude, so I know it's from him. Makes it easier to get well when you don't feel weak.

FROM PHILOSOPHICAL KAREN @ KB PHILOSOPHY
When you're at home and doing your own cleaning, what brand of toilet cleaner do you use?

Heh. When I *was* at my apartment, I had scrimped and saved on my budget so I could get a weekly housekeeper to do that for me. Although our toilet is always clean. When I did it myself, I used this lysol product. My pottie is so sparkly.

FROM GRACE AND LISABETH @ SWLF
Do you like bubble gum?

Hi Grace! Yes. I like bubble gum. But I usually only chew sugar free. I like the kind that you can blow big bubbles with. Usually grape, orange or regular flavor. I think the kind was Hubba Bubba.

When I was your age, we used to go to the minor league baseball games with my dad when we lived in Alaska. We'd get these foot long bubble gum sticks. We used to eat the whole stick. I probably would choke now if I ever tried that.

Oh I can ask this question if Shoshie was for sale and the price was a dollar would you buy her?
Absolutely. I'd even buy her for $1.25 if I had to.

FROM KRISTIN @ ISLAYGIRL
can shoshie come and tutor me?

Sure. I just bought her for a dollar.

Updatin'

RING RING

"Keneisha?"

"Um. There is no one here by that name."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I'm positive."

"Well I'm looking for Keneisha Devereaux."

"I think you have a wrong number."

BAHAHAHAHA

I bet The SWLF Sisters had the most insane house growing up. Shoshie is too funny. Reminds me so much of my own family. (In junior high, my brothers used to make movies. One was called "Mr Beethoven You Have Syphillis")

I'm ok today. Way ouchie mouth. No technicolor yawns, but I can't eat that much. Just busy answering all of these questions.

I'll be a postin fool very soon.

Here is something from Zoe. I miss that little squeezer.

Cheers!!

A Little Q & A

From Sis #1

Debu, I would like to answer one of these questions:

FROM CATSY:
"How are you able to to handle the financial burden that you must be under. I know that you have had some wonderful people make donations, but the cost of this treatment must be astronomical."

(aside from Debu... From what I have heard, the total cost of a stem cell transplant is about $500K)

From Sis #1:

I am the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of Debuma Kick Cancer's Ass. I do the money thing.

Deb as the CEO does the healing thing 100% and shouldn't think of the money thing one lick because she, as the CEO, needs to be laser beam focused at KICKING CANCER'S ASS and as Queen of the Universe, including the subset of Delft, does not need anything as pedestrian and earthly as "financial burdens" to be thinking one bit about. (Of course, if a real CEO had that philosophy, they might be soon sharing a cell with Ken Lay. Or maybe that is Ken Lay's defense?? Hmmm.)

So, the brief summary is...drumroll....she has, relatively speaking, kind medical insurance. They haven't jacked with us too hard.

Otherwise I would either give them my mean look or my pouty lip of death. Or maybe both, but not at the same time. I am sure that when there is a final accounting of everything, I will have to whip out both the mean look and pouty lip of death.

The other expenses stuff isn't cool. (As an aside, apartment moving companies can all go to hades and rot for all I care. Obvious public service announcement, of course, similar to saying smoking is bad for you.)

So, if you are looking for opportunities to make donations that really make a profound difference to an individual person's situation, the Debufund is the bestest one to donate to, in this CFO's humble opinion and always brings a smile to my face. (Especially when I see the name of a Girl Scout buddy I haven't seen since 9th grade! That is so cool.)

No administrative costs! No waste! 100% goes to helping the Debu KICK CANCER'S ASS. Genius mission statement, isn't it?

So as the CFO, I just ask everyone to help anyway they can, even if all you are able to do is spread the word about another human being:

http://www.debutaunt.com/archives/000847.php

And ultimately, like all things, it is best not to think of it all at once, but to take things just a day at a time. So you don't end up wasting energy of stuff that may not happen. Well that, and it also stops your head from exploding, as blowed up heads is a poor fashion statement. See e.g.:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081455/