debutaunt.com

Just so i don't forget

Workout yesterday.

17 minutes on the bike. 10 on the treadmill. Three sets of leg extensions, lat pull down and the bench press. I also walked 1385 steps.

How did you do?

Played 23904392 games of "chick" tac toe with Zoe. Took Zoe to IHOP aka "The Pancake Store."

Took two Darvon and clocked out at 8:30 with Zoe by my side.

It was a good day.

Time to boogie.

Tick Tock .... Saturday is for Cartoons

Waiting on Zoe to wake up. She's so funny. She gets up at the crack of crack and comes busting right into my room. She always looks so cute because she'd rather wear one of my t-shirts than her pajamas.

I passed out last night around 8:30. Zoe tucked me in, but this time, she lay right next to me on my arm and fell right asleep. It was so sweet and made me cry. She was so adorable and hyper all afternoon, and here she was. So still. Her breath on my neck. Her little hand in mine. Her hair was clean and smelled wonderful. She'd open her sleepy eyes and look at me and then close them. Like she had to check to see if I was still there. I don't know how long we slept like that, but Mom brought her back into her room. I'm telling you. It's the little things.

Zoe was funny yesterday. She had some weird song she was singing when she was eating dinner. Like Boom Lakka Ala Boom Boom or something. She loved mom's beef stroganoff and was all smiling when she was eating. Then she asked for some bread and butter. (our favorite is Orowheat's Oat Nut bread). I swear it tastes like cake it's so good.

So mom said that she should get the bread and butter and a knife. Mom reminded her to be careful with the butter dish because the bottom isn't connected. My poor girl was trying, carrying it with two hands, but ended up dumping the entire stick of butter right onto the carpet. I felt bad for her, but we didn't make a big deal. Mom just cleaned it up. Sometimes it really is an accident. I liked it that mom didn't get mad. Zoe's so sensitive lately.

After dinner I just kind of lost it. It was the weirdest feeling. I took all my meds and then was just like lethargic. We watched a bit of What Not to Wear and then I just had to immediately go to sleep. My nurse told me I need to really try to rest more. I think with all this rain today, it might be a movie day. I am also going to try to do some yoga with Zoe, aka Zoga. I have a DVD called "Yoga for the Rest of Us." It's supposed to be for people who can't bend like a pretzel.

[aside] I am still taking steroids for my graft vs. host in my stomach. They are causing some bad side effects, but they are slowing trying to get me off them. In the meantime I have the horrific moon-puffy face and swelling in my knees. Has anyone dealt with this before and is there anything I can take/do to make the swelling go away? I'm not sure if I can take any meds for it, but just was curious. The swelling in my face is uncomfortable and at times actually painful. And the swelling in my knees makes it difficult to walk.

It's pouring down rain right now. There are tornado watches around us. I love the rain. It is great sleeping weather.

BTW, when you are doing the debu_shuffle, your pedometer doesn't pick up the steps. I wondered why I walked my butt off yesterday and only had like 400 steps. I'll have to make an effort to move correctly so it gets counted.

I hope that you all were a little bit challenged this week to do some healthy stuff. I'm going to ask Sis #1 to help me set up the Debu_team for the President's challenge. It's not that hard to do, but for those of you who want to check in, it's just a little added incentive. I mean, hey, what kind of fitness challenge lets you get points for housework and gardening and stuff? It's important to move.

I can do this. Especially because I hear Zoe on her way to bust in here!!!! AYYYYYY CARUMBA!

Your assignment today is to finish up your food planning challenge (if you are participating). Hope you have a decent grocery store - bleh. Also, another assignment - just as Zoe dropped the butter, remind yourself that not everything is a big deal. You screw something up, it's not the end of the world. Most of the time, things *can* be repaired. And it's worth it to pick your battles. It's not worth it to your health to get upset over the little things. Try really hard today to keep your cool.

I love you internets. Especially my Shoshie and the girls. I wish Grace was here to play with Zoe. Zoe has a huge basket with all kinds of markers and crayons. All day inside raining is a great day to color.

My face hurts from smiling so much last night. It was 2am and I wasn't sleeping, but my face just hurt from smiling.

Live Vicariously Through Dawn Today

I did 372 steps yesterday. How did you do? Move something today. I have rehab and even if I'm sore, I'm going to have a kickass workout. I'm determined to do it. I'm sure you can do something for 30 minutes today.

Dawn at Clumsy Cajun has honored us with her awesome debu_assignment presence again.

Yesterday was kind of a suck workout day for me as my knees look like a lineman's at the end of the season. They are pretty swollen, so even with a wee bit of Darvon, I had a really hard time walking at the grocery store (from hell, people, this store was from hell). The debu_shuffle was in full effect yesterday. I didn't make it to the gym and was really disappointed in myself. No more excuses. Zoe's here so I'm going to drag her in this weekend to the little apartment gym.

I was feeling all guilty, so thank goodness when I opened my email this morning at 5am, there were pictures of my girl Dawn, completing her assignment.

Tonight after I took my sleeping pills, I remembered that I had not done my assignment to move my behind today. I didn't want to go outside because the pajamas have been declared "inside the house pajamas" by my husband since I have tried to go fetch the mail in them numerous times. So, I did the only thing a girl in my position could do. I roller skated back and forth through the living room. After a few minutes, the pajama pants became too cumbersome and so I switched to the shorts and knee high socks ensemble that you will see in the last few pics. I got a little sweaty, scared the dogs and finally convinced the husband of my insanity. All in all, good workout.

Skating in the PJs.

Firing it up. I'm fired up about the socks!!!

Watch out, Dawn's "kicking it into high gear here"

Off she goes. Watch out dogs!

You just gotta love something about a woman who does rollerderby in her own living room. This is what I'm saying people. You have to make time to move your ass. Even if it is 30 minutes of helmet wearing, knee high sockage, roller skating in your living room. Just get off your butt and move it.

I also loved this photo in action from Bren/Cody's mom:

Here I am in all my glory(?).... getting blood drawn for the Bone Marrow Registry. Hope they have a category called "All American Fence Jumper/mostly white chick"! I had been a 'shavee' for St. Baldrick's day just 3 month's or so earlier so I have the lovely hairdo - it came back in a lovely blend of blah brown & GRAY. I can't donate blood products though because if they match Cody & they end up in Cody, then he might build antibodies based on the genetic markers and I'd be no good for a stem or bone marrow transplant even if I matched him. But... if I match any one else - I am ready to share!! Thanks for reminding others to join the ranks! Mucho luv, Bren, Cody's mom

Now isn't that a beautiful picture? I think so. And I dig your hair, Bren. That looks pretty badass.

Ok. Back to yesterday. Mom and I can't seem to find the perfect grocery store around this area. The ones that have all the good stuff - way too 'spensive. The closest one doesn't have the stuff I like and there is no deli. The Supertarget has a good selection, but their deli kind of sucks, although they have the good bagels, and well, it's HUGE. So it's like poor mom is going to the grocery store all the time because she goes to different ones to get what she needs.

So yesterday, I looked up an old school favorite of ours, HEB. Now HEBs in Austin and San Antonio just rock. They are normal stores and don't charge you a fortune. So we decide to try this one. And I have to look it up on a map. Mom hates driving on the freeway so we map out the back way (aka supreme ghetto way). I'm not a neighborhood snob, but this was pretty damn ghetto.

Then, we are nearly there. And the Mapquest is wrong. The grocery store is on the *OTHER* side of the freeway and we are all like... crap. How do you get there? (can you tell that I'm directionally challenged?)

We finally figure it out and go in. Turns out that this is a huge store, but mostly caters to a more ethnic community. They didn't even have bagels. I was like... no way. I guess I'm just a die hard bagel eater, so this seemed impossible to me. Although I did count that they had 23 different kind of fresh hot peppers. So next time I want to whip up some Mexican food, I'm so there. They also had like 3 aisles of different ethnic foods. I was impressed.

But they only had like the HEB brand of deli meat. So not good. I'm all about good deli meat.

But by the end of our shopping excursion, I got that same OCD panicky feeling. I could barely walk. I had been getting stared at the entired time, little kids looking at me like I was an alien. I'm sure it was more my imagination, but the whispers and looks freak me out. I just get this immediate need to get out of the store.

Then I realize my poor Sis #2 had called me. She is back at our apartment with Zoe and her girls waiting for us. We were just paying, but then I realized that we were going to have a heck of a time figuring out how to get home. I sort of at least know which direction and make Mom take the freeway. We get to a part where I'm totally clueless and find the Astrodome. As long as I can find the Astrodome, I can find my place.

[aside] You see I used to live in the burbs in the completely opposite side of town from here. Then they moved me to this side during my transplant, so I'm totally clueless where I'm at. Not to mention, when you are the passenger, you really have a hard time figuring out where you are going sometimes. When I'm driving, I am able to get it easier, but I'm not allowed to drive because some of my meds. Like one causes hand tremors (yay that's so fun).

Anyway, we finally made it but have determined that Supertarget is the way to go. At least they have the bagels.

I can do this. I just miss some real deli meat!!!

Your assignment for today is sort of complex, but make it fun. It used to be a habit of mine when I was working to do a lot of meal planning. It was cheaper to pack my lunch and shop for only things we'd use during the week. Then on Sundays we used to cook for the week. I ate way too many leftovers, but it really did make a difference. My weeks were less stressful when I knew what to expect when I got home. It's great to just reheat something yummy. Then you have the rest of the night to goof off.... or go workout.

So. It's only Friday. You all are computer saavy. I want you to go on some recipe websites and do a week's worth of meal planning. Find some new ones, use some of your old ones. Make everyone in your family pack lunches for the week. It really is so much healthier for you. You're allowed only one day off to eat out.

Don't go getting some crazy recipe that calls for 3290934823 ingredients unless you are an experienced cook. I don't want you to get discouraged or caught up in your week that you aren't able to do this.

My favorite sites: All Recipes This site is cool because you can search on ingredients and make shopping lists and stuff.

The Food Network of course. Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals are on there and they truly are simple and fast.

Anyway, Mom and I are going to do this for the week because my Dad is coming up Sunday. The guy has been living on pot pies for a month while mom's been here, so he totally deserves some home cooking.

Hope you can live up to the challenge.

Ok. Zoe's awake. Cartoons. It's ZOE TIME!!!

Why do I find myself craving a Dr. Pepper float?

And yesterdays morning steak craving was satisfied by a Night Hawk frozen dinner - steak and taters. I think I kind of grossed myself out, but it hit the spot. Protein. Must be craving protein.

How To Make a Girl Cry on A Thursday Afternoon

From one of my most kickass, sweetest friends, D1:

Just thought I would give an update - my boy was selected as a bone marrow transplant donor today. Not exactly sure of the when and wheres - but soon.

Reminder for those of you that haven't signed up to be one please do! It can and does make a difference!

Loves you my friend!

From the lovely, lovely Nancy:

Deb,
I thank you and the "sisters" for sharing your private medical history, because of you and the "sisters" I registered to become a Bone Marrow Donor last month. I am grateful for to both families for sharing, you both have impacted my life. On one hand ashamed it took me so long to do but on the other hand I am proud because I did it. And I am willing to do what ever they ask if I am ever called by the registry. So I thank You and SWLF for sharing your private and painful journeys. I hope and pray for peace and happiness for both families.

And my very first, sweetness personified, CJ:

I am going today to register and give a blood sample for the bone marrow transplant donor program. I would never have known about that program were it not for you.

If any of you others have signed up for the registry, I'd love to know about it. Signing people up for the registry was one of my New Year's Resolutions and I still fully intend to become involved in drives and spreading the word.

I would be so thrilled if someone I knew that signed up because of me ended up being a donor and saving someone's life.

I sit here and think about how amazed I am that they have this procedure. With all the crappy political talk of stem cell research, so many people are hesitant to even think about this. Like somehow they take dead aborted fetuses and use their stem cells or something. The technology is astonishing. After they determined he was my match, my brother did some blood tests, and had like a full physical workup (never a bad thing to do anyway).

Then when it was time for him to do his thing, he got two neupogen shots a day for like three or four days. The "nupe" shots made his body produce extra stem cells. Enough to share with me. And on Valentines day, they did what is called an apheresis. Where they separate out the stem cells aka the extra circulating bone marrow cells, then return the rest of the blood components back to his body. It took four hours. I know it was uncomfortable. He felt a little bad for a few days, but then was right back to normal.

And there, by the Grace of God, my doctors and my awesome brother and his Superman Cells, I'm here. I'm in remission. I'm moving forward. And I have a damn good chance to live a really long life. Just for you all. Just so I can write and entertain you all on a daily basis. Since I know you live for that. *rolls eyes here*

But honestly. I am crying. I am so touched. And excited for D1's guy. I hope he is able to donate. My brother remarked when he first found out that perhaps that was what he was meant to do with his life. To save mine.

So please. If you are an eligible person. It doesn't matter that you didn't do it before; it's never to late to sign up if you can.

http://www.marrow.org/HELP/join_the_registry.html

And if you can't figure out how or where to do this, or if there is a fee associated that you can't pay, just email me. I will figure it all out for you.

If you could see the faces I see in the Bone Marrow Clinic. Or hear even one story of how someone is desperately searching for a match or has relapsed, you would want everyone possible to sign up too.

I'm so proud of you all. I love you very much.

And it's Zoetime - woooooo!!

My prayers were all for you today.

MeOuch

Yesterday I walked 2,064 steps. That's a mile. How did you do?

Yeah, like I'm a stud. After my rehab, I could barely walk, and when Mom finally picked me up, I came home, crashed on my bed before my shower and ... well, cried. I couldn't believe how sad I felt. The steroids were playing all heck with my knees yesterday so they were swollen. I wanted a wheelchair in the worst way, but was determined to go at it alone and walk it out. I just don't want to go backwards, you know?

So when I got to rehab, I rode the bike, did the weird "hand bike," did 3 different type of leg squat exercises, a leg extension workout, lat pulldowns, bench press, then biceps and triceps. It was the hardest workout I have ever had in my life - and I used to play basketball in college - running hills, suicides, weight training, all that crazy insane coach training stuff. Six days a week, three hours a day. I also did that Body for Life Challenge and used to be able to do all of that so easily.

This time, like when I went to get on one of the squat presses, I couldn't even lift my leg up to set it on the platform. I had to lift it with my hands and place it up there. Same thing with going from a sitting to a standing position. I have been forcing myself to not use my hands as much as possible and like get up using just my legs. But sometimes I can't do it. We won't even discuss stairs.

I'm so lucky though. I really am. I mean I have a lot of muscle loss, but at least I am walking. At least I'm fairly healthy and still kind of strong. There are so many people in the rehab center that can't walk at all. So I'm choosing to be grateful even though I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged. I constantly think about Zoe. I think about my friends - and all of you - who tell me... "stay on target," and encourage me. I know I can do this. It's going to take longer than I thought though, but I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am going to get stronger. I just am. But man. Yesterday just hurt.

It's 7am and I'm craving steak?

Anyway, I have off today. I'm relieved. I am going to go to the gym sometime later, but most of all I'm thrilled that Zoe has a teacher inservice day tomorrow and is going to be here tonight for the weekend. How cool is that??? I'm sooooo excited. I can't wait to smoosh on that girl.

Mom and I are also going to go to the grocery store. I'm hoping not to have one of my weird OCD feelings when I get there, but it will be fun to shop and get healthy yum stuff. We've been looking over lots of recipes. Although I think she may ban me from watching The Food Network. I'm obsessed with it now. I like the 30 minute meals by Rachel Ray, although when she says EVOO, referring to Extra Virgin Olive Oil, it drives me nuts. Because not only does she says the acronym, she then explains it too. But I like her.

I was reading blogs this morning (I've been up since 4:30), and I saw the topic of blog/internet friends. Like are they real even though they may have never met?

I know that my blog started years ago after my husband and I split. I have a degree in Writing and used to journal all the time in college and after. Then I got married and I just... stopped writing. I don't know why. Perhaps it was because I was uninspired, perhaps it was because my husband was paranoid and suspicious all the time, but I just didn't write for about seven years.

Then about a year after we split and I started dating, I started this blog. It's been hosted a few places, but here I am, pinky pink and all. I mainly started this because my ex saw that I was dating and went insane. He harassed me via the phone and email at work. It was horrible. He was such a jerk about it. I guess his prediction that I was "So f*cking ugly and fat and undesirable that no man will ever want you again" wasn't coming true and it made him mad.

By this time, Zoe was about three years old. All my old frustrations with my ex were just making me crazy. And I knew that I just couldn't be upset around her. I mean it's one thing to let your kids see you show some emotion, but it's another thing to be screaming on the phone and arguing that "yeah, I should smoke some crack so I could lose all the fat I have" with your ex.

I'm sorry, but only assholes involve their children in arguments or serious issues with their exes. You don't badmouth your ex in front of your kids or tell them your business. It's just a shitty thing to do. No matter what, that person will forever be the other parent to your child. And to the child, that parent is half of who their identity is. Just because you don't love/like them doesn't mean the child doesn't love their other parent. It's confusing to them and hurtful. Hateful even.

If the ex is a jerk, unfortunately the child will find out soon enough for themselves, but you don't need to spell it out for them. It's just not a responsible thing to do. I can't stand it when I hear people do that. I just want to put my foot in their ass.

[aside] I'm just glad Zoe's dad finally has changed his ways. While he's not a horrible person, he just has always seemed to make some really dumb choices. But we get along great now - like old friends. And he calls to check on me quite often. I think he was one of the saddest ones when I was first diagnosed. He also adores Zoe, and calls her all the time (although she's not much for conversations with anyone). And she gets to visit him for about six weeks in the summer and has a great time. When we finally started getting along better, it really made my life so much easier.

So. I started blogging, along with the rest of the world. I never really had much of a readership before I got sick. (or if I did, they didn't really comment). But it wasn't about the readers for me. It was my outlet to talk about whatever. Not a mommy blog. Not a dating blog. Just whatever. I actually used to call this blog "Hostage in My Own Head." It was a way to vent and rant and sob and mope if I needed to without Zoe seeing it or being involved or scared because "mommy is sad." It was also cheaper and less time consuming than therapy. So that when I was around Zoe it was about us. Our life. Our fun. Our joy. Our love.

And then I got leukemia. And this was the easiest way to keep my people informed. To verbalize my fears. To psych myself up for a fight. To maybe help someone who will/is going through the same thing. But then, well, you all happened. I was adopted. Supported. Loved. And encouraged. And you all are as real to me as my own family. So many times I was just sick as a dog, discouraged, terrified, sad, and then... I'd come here and see comments. Like lots of them. And your words meant so much to me. They reminded me that I could do this. That I am doing this. And that I am still here.

So. blog/internet friends, while they may be from all parts of the world, the ginourmous internet, they connect us. They are real. (some are really weird, but real nonetheless).

Today I feel very blessed to be connected (dare I say engrafted) to you all. And you know me. I mean that as sexually as possible. (bahahahaha... that was for my Shosh. I love you, woman!).

Today I am doing this. And now I'm going to figure out that steak thing. Although it probably will just be some peanut butter toast and coffee.

Your assignment for today is to think about someone who has really made an impact in your life. It could be a family member or a friend or a teacher or clergy... anyone, even a blog friend. Someone who is important to you. Well, just give that person a little shout out today. Or do something unexpected for them. Surprise them. You might just make their day. Or your own.

Oh. AND KEEP MOVING TODAY. I need some pictures people.

"It is a curious thing in human experience but to live through a period of stress and sorrow with another person creates a bond which nothing seems able to break." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

We're stuck with each other.

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house

Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse

Keep me in your heart for while ~ Warren Zevon

How Not to be Called Sir

I walked 1,429 steps yesterday. How did you do? Are you doing your one healthy thing every day this week? What are you going to do today? I have rehab. And if I don't go there, I'm headed to my apt. gym. So get off your butt and do something. And if you are brave enough, send me a picture of it.

How can I tell how far I've walked? If you want to know how far you've walked, the following is a good rule of thumb:

1,000 steps is approximately 1/2 mile
Every 2,000 steps is equal to about 1 mile, so ...

2,000 steps = 1 mile
3,000 steps = 1/2 miles
4,000 steps = 2 miles
10,000 steps = 5 miles

I finally wore the right outfit not to be called sir yesterday. A pink tank top with a blouse over it and my complete feat of enginerd genius push up bra. Now granted, when I lost weight, the bra doesn't quite fit right anymore. I mean you could fit a few chicken cutlets in each cup now, but it still does the trick and makes me look like I have some giant tatas, even though it's like half empty.

I also wore my giant dangly earrings and some rings and bracelets. A true "Texan" woman knows how to accessorize. Even a bald one. I think today I am going to put some glitter on my head. My hair is growing in, but it's so patchy looking. It's sad when you envy women whose hair is like half and inch long. Or at least growing in evenly. Oh well. I'm so so freaking glad it's starting to grow.

Guess why I woke up this morning craving Hawaiian Punch, Little Debbies and Pop Tarts????

Could it be... why yes... it is....

The cells in my bone marrow are 100% engrafted as MY BROTHERS. So not only am I in remission, but on Day 57 (or sooner) all of my cells are gone and my brothers stud cells are in there growing away. This is really good news, apparently. The cells are still pretty new like a baby, but at least all my bad ones are long gone. Lets hope it stays that way.

Yipee!!!! So now I just pray that I stay on target and keep healthy and continue to get stronger.

So last night I was watching Boston Legal. I think I watched most of it, but barely remember Mom coming in to turn the tv off. I was still half sitting up. And had sort of passed out. I can't even stay up past ten. I feel like a 12 year old. But damn. Denny Crane. Love him.

At least I slept until about 4:30. I will gladly take that.

Last night I dreamed I owned a moisturizer store. Like that's all we sold. All different kinds. I think it is because my skin is still super dry from the radiation. I still look kind of tan. And I moisturize like 24/7 with some great stuff, but I guess it's just the nature of the beast, my skin is still like weirdly dry all the time. I'm going to try to drink more water today to see if that makes a difference.

I have a clinic appointment today then I get Thursday off. Nother appointment on Friday, then a great three day weekend again. I can handle this schedule.

I've been reading one of those Chicken Soup books. This one is for the "Survivor's Soul." Except I don't think it has the word cancer on the cover, but it's all stories of hope from cancer survivors. It's skeeving me out. It's like all these people had shitty lives until they were diagnosed with cancer. And then *poof,* they suddenly were made aware that life can be great and to enjoy every minute "cos you never know."

Ok. How sad is that? Does it really take a life threatening disease to make you appreciate and live your life?

Now I'm not going to get all sanctimonious and say that I've not had some of those realizations. Since I was diagnosed, I will say that I really really appreciate my friends and family much more now than before. I could not love my friends and family more, but when the shit hit the fan here, they just like... mobilized. And it wasn't lip service. They truly have done some amazing things for me (as have so many of you). They have taken such great care of me and assured me that they would help carry the burden of the many things that are difficult to deal with when you are sick. I can't imagine going through this on your own. So their support has been incredible.

But I really did feel so blessed even before all of this. I mean, look at Zoe. How could you not look at that sweet face and just feel like the luckiest woman alive? I feel so proud and honored to be her mom. Gosh I miss her. It's only Wednesday and I can't wait until Friday. (please pray that no one is sick so I can see her).

So all that stuff I tell you all the time really is true. Don't wait to have fun. Don't wait to appreciate your life and your loved ones. Don't wait to be happy. Choose to be happy. Um. TODAY.

Ok. I think my upstairs neighbor has a dog. It's like super early and I can hear all this like jumping around. Yesterday someone was listening to opera at like 6am. My next door neighbor knocked on my wall like it was me. I gently knocked back and wanted to say... uh... hello. I'm not opera girl. I'm just the one who is up all night writing about birds attacking my head.

I can do this. I'm engrafting (doesn't that sound sexy).

Your assignment today is to eat breakfast for dinner. Shake it up a bit. Find yourself some great recipe or make some pancakes shaped like hearts or mickey mouse or something. I am fixin to eat some breakfast tacos with salsa. Sometimes when your life gets into a rut, it's fun to do something different.

And "stay on target" this week with the healthy stuff. Eat as many healthy meals as you can and get off your ass. Try to move for 30 minutes, even if it's housework or just walking.

ATTN COUCH / COMPUTER POTATOES:
I'm actually contemplating starting back with the president's fitness challenge thing until I'm strong enough to get back with my Body for Life Challenge (which is a super high fitness challenge)

I thought about starting a President's Debu_team (Sis#1 did this with a bunch of friends). Basically you try to do 30 minutes of activity 5 times a week. They give you points for all kinds of activiites. And there is a challenge for those with higher fitness levels. Email me if you are interested and I'll start a team. It's cool because it has some accountability and flexibility (like points for housework). And I'll stay on your ass when you feel lazy.

I love you internets. But today especially Shoshie. I love all the sisters, but today is for my Shosh.

B, that absolutely *was* a perfect date, by the way.

How to make me laugh at 3am

Kristine at Random and Odd posed a question, "when do you feel beautiful?"

My reply was all sappy:

I feel beautiful when I've had a good hard workout.

I feel beautiful when my daughter hugs me and snugs up with me. When she rubs my head and tells me my hair is growing back.

I feel beautiful when my sweet best friend tells me that I'm beautiful even when I'm bald, sick, and hurting. He reminds me that this is temporary. And that he thinks I'm really sexy.

I get this from Kristin in my email:

"Doooooooo---dddd. You are SOoooo hot without hair!"

And my girl Dawn at Clumsy Cajun actually sent me some pictures of her doing an assignment:

Okay, I partially did today's assignment. We'll call it "the anti-assignment". I ate a big ol piece of chocolate cake BUT I washed it down with water. See they balance each other out. Tomorrow I will take an extra flight of stairs just for you though. Hope you are well.

Entitled: "Cakeinhead"

Entitled: "With Water"

Totally just like going to the movies and ordering Peanut M&Ms, buttered popcorn and a hot tub of Diet Coke. The calories negate themselves.

Yes. It's 4am. WIDE AWAKE, PEOPLE. What's up with that? Could it be that I woke up having this dream that this big giant talking pet bird wanted to sleep in bed with me. I had the covers over my head and it was all like trying to sit on my head and I'm trying to get it off and into it's cage. It wasn't like a scary bird. It was one of those kind that talk to you. It was weird that I just wanted this damn thing off my head. Maybe it means my hair will be growing out like Medusa or something.

First I dream of Mrs. Haversham, then I'm owning a Pee Store, now birds? You'd think I was like eating pepperoni pizza with jalepenos and acid or quualudes for dinner or something.

I worked out today. It feels like such a wimpy workout. Sixteen minutes on the bike, a few leg presses and some lat pull downs. I know. Baby steps. But I wish I could sweat just a bit more. I have to be careful of the central line as it could get infected. Bad enough it peeled up some and I jury rigged it with some tape. I need to go get a bandage change today (which is a pain - you wait like an hour for something that is done in ten minutes). I want to sweat. Like ride that bike to my Busta Rhymes and kick my own ass. Patience. Not one of my strongest virtues.

I also got my DVD from my cousin of Boston Legal. Damn I love that show. I immediately watched it. It was a good one. I can't wait to watch the new one tonight.

I better get my butt to sleep. Back to the hospital today. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are my new clinic days. The rest are at home. I kind of dig it because I get to hang with mom a bit more.

I am doing this. With some bizarro dreams, but still.

Your assignment today is to not whine. No Whinese for just one day. See if you can do it. Pretend you are like those cheery elderly people, like the volunteers at MD Anderson who when you ask them, "How are you doing?" they answer "F*cking awesome!" (no, just kiddin')

When people ask me how I'm doing, I really just try to say, "Well I'm still movin, so that's a sweet thing" or "Great. I'm doing great." I hate to hear myself complain, even when I feel like crap. We've already discussed *rolls eyes here* the "it could always be worse game," so for today, try to pretend that you are just fine and dandy, even if you aren't. Be cheerful if you can, and fake it if you can't. But, please, no whinese allowed.

And if you blog, why don't you blog about a really good memory you have. That always cheers me up.

P.S. There has been a lot of death and dying going on these past few weeks. Positive vibes and prayers to you all. I can't imagine what these famillies are going through. "That which doesn't kill us will make us stronger." Well screw that. People dying and grieving just sucks ass. I'm sorry you all are going through it. Funerals suck. All funerals suck. They just do.

Unless it would be at Tom Cruise's funeral because he died choking on Katie's placenta sammich. Ok. That would be a sad funeral too because I'm sure they would do some cheese movie montage of all of his films and life - where he's the *best* at everything... the best pool player, the best pilot, the best race car driver, the best lawyer, the best Scientologist, the best suck his girlfriend's face off on the red carpet so she has herpes mouth all the time... if it weren't for Jerry Maguire.... oh, don't get me started on Senor Cruise.

I love you internets, but especially you. Like seriously. Especially you.

There's another way to make me laugh at 3am, but we aren't going to go there. Those parts are in retirement for a while. We're talking cobwebs, people.

This is still my favorite bald picture of myself. Right around when I had to shave my head. It was before I lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. I can't believe I am not wearing any makeup. But it always makes me smile. Me and Zoe's "orang-a-ma-tang" that she brought me from the zoo.

More J Lo than Way Lo

I am going to work out today. It's so nice to have a 3 day weekend now.

Other than that. I have no plans.

This is awesome.

I can do this. I have some groovy, kickass iTunes on my nano to workout to. And I'm all kinds of inspired.

Today your assignment is to do one healthy thing. Every day this week. I read your blogs and so many of you are struggling with weight issues or health issues. Take this week to set a few goals and DO THEM. If I can get my stupid weak thighs to the gym to ride the bike and lift a few weights, then you can step away from the ice cream or go for a post dinner walk. Make it a family event if you have a family. I made sure Zoe saw me doing some workout stuff so she knew I'm working on getting better and stronger. Hey. It's muy importante!! So Just Do It.

Feelin Groovy

One of my favorite reminders

Some conversations, well, are just more important than others.

him: before I go....
him: I love you
him: you know that, right?

deb: yes... absolutely

him: good

deb: because I did first.. i just do

him: everything else is secondary

deb: and that, babe, is perspective

him: the word for 2006
him: perspective

deb: 2006 is going to be a good year for us
deb: a very good year..

Zoe's butt is touching my thigh right now. Her hand on my arm. Her whole body is getting so long. She fits perfect next to me.

She was excited yesterday to get some glittery pink and purple Gap flip flops and some knee high socks (since it's too hot for tights) This was an insomnia purchase. I love it when the Gap has way way sales. Zoe loves flip flops.

Yesterday Mom (aka Momo G) took Zoe swimming. She learned to float on her back. My child is totally a fish.

We are watching cartoons and are still in our jammies at noon.

She ate some Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast and cut up her own banana. Later she slurped up some milk with a straw and ate two pieces of hard salami. She is half Italian after all. I just wish that we could get the good salami from NYC.

I made some of my favorite swiss chocolate coffee this morning. I forgot how much I love that. A little light and sweet makes your day the same way.

Zoe wrote out a list of all the colors. She is filling her notebook with drawings and words. When she draws a picture of me, I have long hair that flips up at the ends. She draws a mini me version of herself with matching flippy hair.

I showed Zoe my new baby eyelashes. This is Zoe's eyeball. She wanted me to take a picture of HER eyelashes. Now THOSE are some lashes.

Zoe took these pictures herself:

We are about to go make lunch. Part of this lunch will include peanuts. The kind you shell. There is nothing more fun than opening peanuts. Zoe says she just wants meat (more salami) some hunk cheese and peanuts.

I am doing this. Even on no sleep. I have peanuts and Zoe smoosher.

Today your assignment is to do something totally random. Color a coloring book. Eat something oddball. Have a picnic in your living room. Read the book you bought (did you get any culture in?) Rent a movie you'd never think to rent. Get some gardening in (I love Dallas K's gardening and love to read about my lovely Minou's exploits in the dirt) Take some funny pictures. Make something tasty from scratch. Go get crafty and glue something. Write someone a letter the old fashioned way.

Or.....

Because my Zoe is so lovely and sweet to me, I also think today would be a wonderful day to give someone you love a massage. Or if you are feeling punk, ask someone to give you one. Like the kind where you warm up the lotion and really are tender, taking your time and using a really healing touch. This was always part of our bedtime routine before. Zoe is just like her mom (and is a "back rub ho"). When life feels like you just can't take it anymore, there is nothing more lovely than giving of yourself or just feeling the touch of someone else. Humans so need this. It really should be part of everyone's life. And if you don't have anyone, scrounge up the money, beg borrow or steal and go get a massage. Everyone deserves this.

Peace today. I love you. But especially you.

P.S. I welcome "my" internet Fed ex husband, Sam, back home. I know you are totally loved and were desperately missed. God bless you, Sam. God bless the rest of my SWLF. I love you all.

This Message Brought to You By the Patented Deb_Bitch

[rant on]

You are about to experience the patented Deb_bitch. It's not a pretty sight. Especially when I've been awake since 2:45, my legs are killing me, darvon does nothing, ativan - nada and the sleeping pill is like eating a Skittle. My grammar is always horrible when I bitch. And I can't spell. I also am hungry, but will not be eating at 4:30am.

I'm sure this commenter had nothing but good intentions, not sure, I don't know her, but when I read it, it just made my ass twitch a bit. I know that my panties will unwad soon enough, but I just am up to my ears in good intentions.

If you are a bit sensitive, you may want to skip the extended entry.

You have been warned. (P.S. sorry Dad)

Signed,
Debu_Bitch
aka Debutaunt
aka Bitchkateer

FROM CANCER MOM:
Deb, I have come out of lurking to post. I will probably receive some hate mail over this...I just want you to know that I am in awe of your ignorant bliss. As harsh as that sounds, you have been given this amazing gift that EVERY cancer parent in the world WISHES AND PRAYS for daily, if not hourly. To have and take away from their child this evil and debilitating disease that is cancer. To take their pain and ease their suffering. You know, Deb, it is always said that things could be worse, and believe me, things could be. It could be your Zoe who fights and struggles every day through the pain of chemo and nauseating medication...a missed childhood of camping and birthday parties because she is just too sick to go. And a list of firsts that will never come to pass...Keep fighting, dear Deb, and do it with the continued grace and humor that you have always shown. And look to your beautiful Zoe for inspiration and know that as bad as it is, it could always be worse. You can do it, and you will do it. There is not an option to fail...You must keep fighting the good fight

My child anchors me to this earth. There is nothing in this world that will stop me from fighting and trying to get stronger (gracefully, humorously or not) because of my daughter (and my loved ones). None of what I'm going through will ever stop me. So don't worry your Cancer Mom head about that.

But look, lady, I don't want to be in your shoes (I'm assuming your child has cancer - I don't know you, whatever). I can't imagine the horror of having a child that has to go through this. I see them all the time at the hospital. And if you've read anything that I've written, you'd know I've always thought things could be worse. Hey, there are even people who are worse off than you are right now. Um.... let's review ... Sarah, Nikki, Clem, Eric, and then the other six people that I have become online friends with who have died since October. Not to mention all of the other patients I know/meet at MDA who are not doing well, and some of whom... well I know are gonna die. And all of their loved ones (who I love like my own family) that are left behind to grieve.

While a parent may have a child with cancer, what about those whose children are abducted? (We've got a three year old missing right now in Houston) You may have to watch your child suffer with cancer, but those parents have no clue if their children are being abused, raped, murdered, alive/dead, where their bodies are, who has them. Let's all start comparing what could be worse, shall we?

But fucking trust me, you don't want to be in my shoes either. I am not able to "ease" Zoe's suffering either. Don't talk to me about missed childhoods of camping and birthday parties, because to Zoe, I AM missing them. I have missed them. Seeing my child on the weekends is not the same. I think I've seen her all of ten maybe fifteen times since October. Losing the priviledge of raising your own child, even temporarily, is agonizing. Not seeing her every day is killing me. Having her see me sick, tired, weak, taking 39203 pills, is humiliating and sad to me and frightening to her.

I rarely talk of it because if I did, I would need drugs. Lots of them. And not the cancer kind.

Explaining death to a six year old, which I had to do again tonight, rips your heart out. Telling your child that her hair won't fall out too, or that if she accidently bumped my catheter that I won't deflate or bleed to death, or that she can't catch mom's disease is a walk in the park.

She asked me if I will be alive for Christmas. She won't give up clothes or shoes that are too small because I was the one that bought them for her. She clings to me like a wet pair of panties when she comes to visit. Like if she doesn't get enough time in, I won't be here the next time. Have you listened to your sick child on the phone and not been able to take her to the doctor or comfort her yourself? And how fun is it to say goodbye to her at the end of the weekend? She never knows if she will see me again. I don't know if I will see her again.

Have you done your will? Gotten a power of attorney? Advanced directives in case you end up like Terry Shiavo? Do you have a DNR? Have you planned your funeral? Have you had to depend on your family to take care of you? Have you decided who will raise your child in case of your death? Have you applied for disability? Have you thought about not being able to work for a year or two? How are you for money? It's fun to beg.

And we won't even go into some of the conversations Zoe's had with Sis #2. She has chosen not to tell me everything because she knows that it is already difficult enough. I can't imagine the things Sis #2 has to explain, not only to Zoe but to her own children as well.

Try living every day with the knowledge that you might die, that cancer will follow you the rest of your life, and you then will not be able to finish your most important life work - raising your child, and then tell me about worse.

There is always worse. I know this. I'm not a fucking dumbass.

Sometimes I just want people to shut the fuck up. You think my child isn't suffering? Yes, she's not puking and sick and going through chemo and missing birthday parties, but when you see her face and how scared she is of me and how she is scared I'm going to die or that we won't have a home or that she will never get to live with me again, then tell me she's not suffering.

I can tell her a thousand times that I'm getting better, but she still thinks I'm going to die.

And you know what? I still might. No matter how hard I fight, how careful I am, how good my prognosis looks or whatever my doctor tells me; one infection could kill me. One setback could kill me. One dickhead at the grocery store looking for Theraflu who sneezes in my general direction and I am dead. Graft vs. host could mean death.

And as far as that "well meaning" survivor movie link you posted, I've seen that crap. "I have cancer, but cancer does not have me." Cancer is just a bend in the road. Cancer reminds me to be humble. I call bullshit. Once you have cancer, you have the shadow for the rest of your life. You can go on and live life to the fullest, you can be all Lance Armstrong'd, but you still have the shadow following you. You will always fear tests. You will always fear biopsies and your numbers. You will always wonder if the toxic waste they polluted your system with will spawn off yet another type of cancer (which... did you know happens?) And you will always be reminded that you are broken. You may be fixed now, but you are fragile.

I don't like being called a cancer survivor. Because I may not survive it - I mean, shit, hopefully I will, but you never know. I think when you say survivor it's like you are tempting fate. I'd much rather be called Mommy. Or Aunt Debby. Or Adorkable. Or Beloved. I survive life, baby. That's way harder than surviving stupid cancer.

I didn't need cancer to tell me things could always be worse. I didn't need cancer to inspire me. Or make me stronger or more faithful. Or to show me that I could overcome adversity. Or to make me appreciate my beloved Zoe, my loved ones or my life more. Cancer didn't make me stop and smell the flowers. I already knew all that. I already felt that way.

Hell, getting out of a bad marriage inspired me to live my life more graciously and joyfully way the hell more than cancer ever ever ever could.

Cancer kicked me on my ass. It didn't ruin my life, but cancer does have me. Forever. Fuck cancer. And, um, fuck you.

(holy crap. Now I feel like I should go to confession)

[P.S. An addendum. Another poster on my leukemia forum that had a transplant died yesterday.]

Like Sour Chocolate

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am feeling really bittersweet today. Overwhelmed. Sweet because my darling girl is here, but overwhelmed by what lies ahead of me. It's so much. I don't know if I will ever be able to "do" my life. To handle everything.

I'm also overwhelmed by thoughts of Nikki and Shoshie and Lisabeth and Sam and Sarah and Rachel and the other quiet sisters. By thoughts of him. Missing him and his laugh and his easy way of reassuring me that it was ok and that I was doing it. His laughter was my sunshine. He always knew what to say to make it right. Always.

Today my heart is just hurting. I just want to grab Zoe and hold her close and cry. But that's not ok. She can't see that.

I am going to go back through my blog today a bit as a reminder that I can do this. There are some days that I really feel like it will never be ok again.

4,239 Baby Steps

My Zoe is here. Gosh she is sweet. She is so careful with me. I worked out today so I came home and had to shower. She was like.... "i'm stinky too. I want to shower with you." So I patched up my central line and jumped in with her. She's all tanned with bikini lines from camping. And I washed and conditioned her hair. She was like... "soooo smooove, Mom." Then she washed the top of my head so carefully. So sweet. She really is such a pretty girl. She just has grown up so much since October.

When we got out of the tub, the look on her face was so sad. My hands still are really bruised from the few blood draws they did there a while back. I also am black and blue from one side of my stomach to the other from the three time a day insulin shots. She looked scared, but I told her they don't hurt. She rubbed lotion on my hand so tenderly. And then she said that I needed some on my back (my skin is still so dry from the radiation). It made me want to cry. My sweetness. Taking care of me. She misses me so much. I was really tired and she ended up tucking me in again around 8:30 as I totally passed out.

But tomorrow is a new day with her. I don't have to go to the hospital, but will do my infusion from home. So we will get to be togehter all day. I can't wait.

So anyway, now I'm wide awake at 2am. Soon to be remedied I am hoping by this lame-o sleeping pill.

For my lovely SWLF Sisters. I want to come hug you today. Like really bad. Shosh, do you need me to send you some of mom's goulash? I hear Fedex could get it to you pretty easy. Since I know you just want more casserole. Um. Ok. Maybe not.

How about I just post some fun pictures of how I am feeling at 2am instead? I totally want to go raid the pantry and eat some Honey Nut Cheerios.

This is what my steroids make me feel like. (and yeah, Natalie Dee is awesome.)

This is what I look like now because of the steroid puffy face:

(for those of you who don't know, that is a picture of PBS's Caillou.) He is banned from our household. He's this little bald 3 year old (no problem with that), but the kid whines constantly. He doesn't have a normal voice, but this whiney whiney annoying wanna slap your face kind of voice. We don't speak Whinese in this house, and we aren't about to start.

So today was a "They Say Our Love Won't Pay the Rent," kind of day again. Same ol' same old. I feel pretty good. The legs suck still, but no weird chest/heartburn pain which was cool.

The other day I was thrilled to find my little cheapie McDonald's pedometer. It was a freebie with a "healthy" salad ages ago, but has worked better than the expensive $10 Target one that I bought. It got me kind of psyched and is an added incentive to make the number of steps more and more each day - just as a reminder.

I started wearing it a few days ago. The first day - a disappointing 196 steps. Yesterday I did 847. But today I did 4,239. I used to do an extra 10,000 a day if I could help it. I also went to rehab and with the new iTunes did a "workout - ha" that reminded me of my Body for Life gym workouts where I used to totally kick ass. Gosh I miss those workouts.

I was riding the bike (bastardos wouldn't let me ride more than 12 minutes), but I was kicking my own ass and jammin along. I did some other leg strength exercises. I really think I'm going to want to go to the gym here at the apartment. I know I'm able to do at least 20 minutes on the bike. And the trainers there just act so weird. I think they are used to really incapacitated patients - of which there are many. At least I can walk. I can't do squats yet, but my legs, while weak, are working.

Anyway, it's way too late and as I remember, littles love to wake you up at the crack of ass, so I best try to get some sleep. I have lots of smooshing to do on that child tomorrow.

I'm doing this. I have a pedometer too. And a DVD order of that Boston Legal episode on the way from my cousin. Rockit!

Your assignment for today is to get a pedometer. Pedometers aren't too expensive. You don't need bells and whistles, just something that will count the steps you take every day. It's kind of cool to keep track and try to beat yourself. And it's just walking. From the time you get up until you go to bed. Make the steps you can step count. It's important to know where you've been so that you can see where you are going.

Oh. and P.S. I have some baby eyelashes coming in. And like six eyebrows. Now I can stop getting pissed off every time I see a mascara ad. Yipee.

I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you. ~Author Unknown

And, B, it's true. I love you because you make me feel special and beautiful and lovely even though I'm broken.

Ghosts in Scrubs

Yes. Of course I told my case nurse about the pain. She said to keep an eye on it. If it persists, we will take care of it. She did say it's not heartburn though. So she said to darvon/ativan it if I needed to.

And YAY! I now officially am on a schedule of three days a week of clinic visits vs. seven. The four days at home I will be doing my own infusion of meds. They come with a backpack, so if I even wanted to, I could be portable. This will be cool for mom so that she can watch the Price is Right (she is addicted I think) without having to take me to the hospital and pick me back up.

I read this book my lovely Minou sent me called Bald in the Land of Big Hair by Joni Rogers. It could not be more my life right now. I want to read it again. I will have a longer post on some of what she talked about, but I'm fixin to go to bed in a bit.

I also got some fun stuff this week - Princess Fiona sent me and Zoe some DVDs - Shrek and Wallace and Gromit - yay! Now I have something Zoe and I can watch this weekend. Michelle sent me some iTunes fundage to buy some great music to jam out to when I ride the exercise bike. I downloaded all kinds of hip hop to go with my Tony Bennett old school tunes. I also got the coolest tiara from Monica at Soluna Enterprises. It's so pretty, I know Zoe is going to want to snatch it up for herself. It goes great with my pink boa.

The most surprising thing of my day was the return of Dr. Egypt. This is like the fourth or fifth call from my ex boyfriend. He says he is going to come visit me (he lives out of state), but he's said that kind of thing before. We had a pretty good conversation. He asks all kinds of questions about the transplant, and wants to know exactly how I am doing. I wish he would come visit. He was always one of the most fascinating people I've ever met, and we didn't really break up - he just moved, so we've always been on good terms. I cracked a bunch of jokes. I really doubt he will come though. He's a heart surgeon and they are just working him to death. Oh well. It was good to hear from him. I always do get so sentimental when I see a guy in scrubs.

Today I cried at my appointment. I was listening to my iPod. Some music really gets me. I was thinking about Nikki and Sarah and someone else and just started crying. It wasn't a bad cry, but I just did. I wiped these huge huge tears with my fingers and let them drop onto my shirt. I sat there thinking... Gosh these are some big tears, like the biggest raindrops ever. How many tears can someone have? Do they run out? What made them so huge today?

It was a pretty good day overall. My tears are big, but I'm doing this.

For my SWLF. I love Pooh too.

Christopher Robin to Pooh:

"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever.
Not even when I'm a hundred." Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?" "Ninety-nine."
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.

An extra assignment is to think about a favorite childhood book. If you don't own it, go buy it. Even if you don't have kids. It might make you remember what it was like to be a kid.

I love you internets. Especially you.

What A Way to Start the Day

With paralyzing pain in your chest - like the worst heartburn of all time. Drugs are good. Yay for Maalox. Too bad it's not working. It scares the hell out of me. I don't want anything to be wrong with me, but this is like 3 days in a row of this pain. I used to get this exact pain in the hospital - and they related it to the graft vs. host in my stomach. I wonder if it is because they are tapering off the steroids. I'm down from 12 pills to 7 a day.

I don't think sleeping pills work on me very well either. I still woke up. And they make it really kind of scary going to the can in the middle of the night. Like being sh*tface drunk stumbling into the bathroom. Kind of weirdly fun though. At least I'm not dreaming about owning a pee store anymore. I think I might just need to move more during the day. I need to sleep. I need it.

I'm watching a Lifetime Movie right now where Melissa Gilbert plays a Russian countess who has love and loss. She also loses her Russian accent quite a bit. I'm losing brain cells as I type.

I have late clinic today and I'm kind of glad about that. I think I have the weekend off again, and my sweet Zoe is supposed to come spend the weekend again (hopefully she's not sick nor are her cousins). I hope she can. I feel like I need to see her. I just need her.

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

I'm really tired. I think I'm going back to bed.

I can do this. I'm just kind of hurtin today.

Your assignment for today is to plan some culture for the weekend. Hit a museum. Or go see a show or play or concert. Take your kids on some educational tour. Go to a botanical garden. Learn something new. Read a real book. Go hit the half price book store and buy something you'd normally not read. BTW, you are forbidden to ever watch Danielle Steel's Zoya. Turn off the junk tv. Just say no.

I don't know how that relates to anything, but it just seems like something worthwhile to do this weekend.

You Actually Have to *take* the Pill for it to work

Special request from Biscuit. I'm more than happy to post it as that's a pretty scary thing:

hey I know this blog has an amazing group of people with prayer power.. so if you have a second and could pray for my 4 year old neighbor lillian who has a ruptured appendix after a (negligible) bad diagnosis. She is fighting hard to stay alive.. and as of tonight, she's got a 50/50 shot.. so any little prayer or a good thought sent her way would help. sorry to hijack the comments thread.. but I need people power.. peace to all biscuit

Well, I had an interesting night. I was all set to watch one of my all-time favorite shows, Boston Legal, last night and then was going to take my sleeping pill. (why is it that all it takes for me to laugh are the words Denny Crane?)

So I get into the show for literally about five minutes and then I PASS OUT. Completely. Like dead to the world. I even missed two phone calls. I wake up at 2:30, go in the kitchen and take the sleeping pill. I wasn't about to sit up for the next four hours. It worked. I slept again until about 5:30. Good enough for me. Now I just need to figure out how to watch the show I missed. Totally bummed. There aren't many shows I really look forward to watching, but that's one of them.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I just had like the worst worst leg pain ever and was super duper slow. Like slow enough to have three people offer to get me a wheelchair. Um. Hell no!

I also got called "sir" again when I went to get lunch - um... dangly earrings, girly cute tunic shirt, sparkly sandals, push up bra even - I looked cute for a bald chick.... so... I know. I'm bald with a mask on. Finally I yelled... "I'M A GIRL. I'M FEMALE. AND EVERY DAY I COME HERE FOR LUNCH AND YOU CALL ME SIR. I DON'T APPRECIATE IT." The chick looked embarrassed, but I was really glad I did that.

When Mom picked me up, we went to Disneyland, aka SuperTarget. I love grocery shopping. It's nice to pick out the stuff that you are familiar with. It was nice to get out even though I was super shuffle woman.

I continue my love/hate relationship with Oprah. (ok. I adore her. I'll admit big time love for my Oprah) I bought another issue of her magazine. I just love it. It really is pretty upbeat. I guess I just sort of covet all her money though. (but hey, there are much nastier people with more money :::cough:ParisHilton:cough::: ) So much of my adult life has been worrying about how to pay for stuff or juggling bills or whatever. So on one hand, I love all her great articles and insights, but I also hate looking at $395 shirts and $70 chocolates. Because I know I'll never own stuff like that.

She has an article on Willie Nelson. I adore him. I love it that he now has a book called: The Tao of Willie: A Guide to Happiness in Your Heart. This gem is totally true:

On happiness: "If you consider all the people you know who seem truly happy, there is likely to be one trait - one essential perspective on life - that each of these happy people share .... It is the word now. It is the understanding that happiness exists at just one time. And that time is now."

I know that sometimes we all do it. I'll be happier when I have x, y, z. When I'm thinner. When I'm wealthier. When I get a better job. When I get pregnant. When my kids are older. When, well, whatever.

So in the meantime, you drudge through life waiting for these magical moments to happen?

It's great to have goals or something to look forward to. But you should be living your life to the fullest in the mean time. Or at least trying to.

I know I do it myself. I'll be happier when I'm stronger. I can't wait to eat fresh fruits and veggies. I want hair. I can't wait to have more energy. I can't wait to be with Zoe again. And the one that bugs me the most is how much I really want a, um, significant other in my life.

[aside] that last one really does bug me. I know that (ha - overall) I'm a pretty good catch. But I also know that um... I'm bald, not in any kind of shape, look uglier than I ever have in my life, am recovering from a major procedure and cancer. And in no place to date. It should be the last thing on my mind right now, but it's so in the forefront. I guess because dealing with all of this really is lonely.

Even though I'm surrounded by those that love and support me, I just feel so alone most of the time. Even when other people are there. I know my heart is really hurting still. I'm a silly romantic dorkfus and dreamer like that. And while I want to have someone, there still feels like I have a hole in my heart. And "practical deb" knows that this is the time you absolutely don't need to be thinking about dating or men, nor do I really want to. (not like there is any place to meet them either - the dudes at the hospital look right past you or at you like a disease) I guess I need to start reading all the great books everyone sent me to distract me - of which I have like 2394239832. Mostly I feel like I need a big time vacation or a weekend away at the beach. But that's what I'm talking about. It's not the NOW.

Well I guess I need to take Willie's advice today. And just start being happy because I can. I am going to choose to be happy now. Because there might not be a later. And because I bought my favorite Einstein bagels and flavored coffee yesterday. So I'll start my happiness with breakfast, a workout, and then I get the day off to do my fluids at home - yay!

I can do this. And I can do this NOW.

Today your assignment is to choose this day to be happy. Don't be worrying about tomorrow or how it all will be better later. Choose today to do something to make you happy. I know sometimes life sucks donkey butts, but there is still so much good out there. You just have to find it. And if it is just one little thing, like making your coffee the exact way you like it, or sitting and enjoying your Honey Nut Cheerios, coloring with your child, or taking your dog for a long walk, listening to some great music on your Ipod, or even laughing at your favorite tv show, choose today to be happy. Choose the now.

And then every day make it a choice.

(Why do I feel all Oprah-ish? hahahahaha)

I miss you. Still. Like every minute. Your smile melts me. I'm grilled cheese toast.

My Girl, My Heart

Boy does my girl like to go camping. She still is smiling all wonky because she's missing a bunch of teeth. I can't believe she's lost like 8 or 9 already. Man do I miss her today. We used to take some hooky days off and just hang out. Maybe go to the movies or the zoo when it wasn't packed like on the weekends. This was pre-kindergarten when it didn't count, but those were some of my favorite days.

I got more sleep than I have been last night. I'm getting a prescription for some sleeping pills today. I also woke up dreaming that I owned a pee store. Um. HELLO? WHAT??? My life is way too involved with bodily fluids right now I'm thinking.

[weird segway aside]

I was thinking about when Zoe was a baby. Sis #1 and Sis #2 were both pregnant with me at the same time, so we all have kids around the same age. It was the coolest thing because you went through it all with someone that knew what you were going through. It's also great because the kids are really close now. It really made me so much closer to both of my sisters. (even though a time or two I'm sure they were ready to kill me - hormone hell and all)

I remember all the baby showers we had. We had so many pregnant friends at that time. We all ended up getting so much stuff. Like all this baby gear. Every thing that was recommended by other moms or Parents Magazine best picks. We had strollers, and stroller systems, and swings, childproof everything, car seats, baby monitors, video monitors, bathtub toys, cribs, bassinettes, smaller bassinettes, breast pumps, high chairs, and bouncy seats, pacifiers, sippy cups, mesh food holders, those softy little play gyms that they play on the floor in, and then those indestructible plastic things where they sat in the middle and pushed buttons and lights, bells whistles, etc.

We wont even get started on all the educational toys and videos.

And it's funny. But we never really really needed much of that crap. I know I didn't.

Zoe simply loved to lay on the floor. She had the most beautiful baby blankets. Soft and sweet. So I'd set her down on the floor on one and we'd play. She was a must be 'on my belly' kind of baby (yes, she even slept that way), but she always liked to pick her head up and look around. She used to suck the nose on this Carter's John Lennon giraffe stuffed animal and liked her Sesame Street Zoe doll. And then she had a few soft rattles. That was about it.

Zoe was always kind of ahead of her time. She sat up at her 4 month checkup and her pediatrician said.. she's not supposed to be able to do that just yet. I said, "you tell her that." She crawled easily (rolled mostly) and then decided it would be much more fun to walk around at 7-8 months. (although she really didn't have the coordination, she would just go go go until she smashed into something or fell down).

When we were home, I'd nurse her and sing or hum to her. She would just look up at me with those huge eyes and hold my finger. We listened to music all the time. She loved the Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Lenny Kravitz and all the dumb made up songs I would sing. My mom remembers words to more songs than anyone I know, but I still just have to make them up.

She never did like the bassinette or her crib all that much. And she wasn't much for long naps, unless I would lay down with her. We snugged up tight even then and would sleep for a few hours. Those apartments were so quiet and when it was cooler out, I'd open up the window and we'd sleep in the breeze.

I loved to sit with her on the porch as we overlooked this sort of bayou/ditch thing behind our apartments. We were on the third floor and could see all the trees and the birds. There were these huge white cranes that would just fly for hours and then land in the water. Zoe's first word was "bird." Not momma or dadda, but bird - just plain as day.

Life really seemed sweet then. I know that it wasn't all peaches because I had gotten laid off and we were struggling so much financially. But when I think about it, it just seems so peaceful.

But it really makes me think. So many people try to make life so much harder than it really needs to be. They think it should be complicated. I hear people talk about how hectic it is and frantic, scheduled and difficult. But sometimes I think people just really need to cut the crap out of their life and look at what their basic needs are.

Do you really need so much stuff? I wish I had invested the money from all that baby paraphenalia. We could have opened up a dang store with all that crap.

Zoe just liked to look around. She liked to be with Mommy. She was comforted and nurtured, held, loved, and had her basic needs attended to.

I think that's simply what we all need out of life. To know that you are loved. That someone cares about you. Basic affection and nurturing. The rest is all just a distraction. The rest is painful when it really doesn't necessarily need to be.

I can do this. I feel very peaceful today.

Your assignment today is to meditate or pray or just zone out. To just take a chill out period - even if it's only for like ten minutes. If you have kids, you may have to wait until they are sleeping, but take some time out to reflect on your life. And see if your basic needs are being met. If you are taking care of yourself.

In the book Body for Life for Women by Dr. Pamela Peeke, she talks about how so often we are so busy taking care of others that we neglect ourselves. You'd never want any of your loved ones to be ill or sad or hurting. So why do you allow that to happen to yourself? Why do you neglect your health. Or eat poorly. You wouldn't want your kids to just eat like crap all the time, so why do you? Or why are you not dealing with a health issue? Why do you not get enough sleep? Or exercise? It's really damn important. There are so many excuses - this has to be done or that has to be done or the laundry will not wash itself.

Well you are more important than laundry. And if you aren't around or neglect your health, what is the point of continuing to operate like that? Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. Whatever it takes to do that. The stress will kill you - no doubt. Because you aren't any good to anyone else if you aren't good to yourself.

I hope you all have a wondeful day today.

Much love to the SWLF crew today. And since we have like 3 dozen eggs here, I'm going to go eat a Feinkochen in Shoshie's honor. I love you wimmens!

Baby Zoe Big Eyes.

I wish you knew how much happiness I want for you. How much love and joy and peace I want you to have. I wish I could let you live my life for one day to feel how this feels. And I wish I could hug you every day. Because everyone needs a daily hug. A good solid one too. And you are one of my favorite people to hug.

Peace to you today, babe.

She Needs the Drogas

Didn't know I could speak Espanol, did you?

3:30am

Wide awake. I went to bed at like 9:30.

I think I need to just start reading a boring book or something. Online window shopping is way too easy.

I want some grapes. Or a banana.

I watched a show about a woman with 16 kids. I want to be adopted by them. They just built a 7,000 sf house with nine bathrooms yet all the boys were in one bedroom and all the girls shared the other. I'd be kind of pissed about that. It was like the Brady Bunch on steroids. They had a pantry that looked like a supermarket. I think they spent like 700 dollars at the grocery store. They make a casserole with meat and tator tots. I'm obsessed with it now. I'm obsessed with food.

Zoe and I played "chick tac toe" today. A gift from the Easter bunny. She beat me quite a few times. She found all her Easter eggs. Some had change in them. I liked it that she liked getting money. We hung out and watched tv and snuggled up a bunch. Then we went to the Outback with mom and had Easter steak. A first. Usually Mom makes like the whole ham/Easter/yams yummity goodness meal. I think the Outback's regular cook must have been off because that was one chewy, kind of funky steak. Now I want more steaks. But good ones.

I fell asleep with the tv on. Woke up to some Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry shoot 'em up thing. It scared me.

I felt extra extra ugly today. Even with my fantastic earrings. I put on lipstick and my face is so swollen that my mouth looked like I had been sucking on a lemon. Like all tiny and small. And I have some great lips. It's like being a pumpkinhead. My face looks like it's going to splode. I look like Charlie Brown with dangly earrings. I just want to wear a bag over my head and stay home.

I also could hardly step up onto the curb. What's up with that? It's ONE STEP for goodness sake. I used to be able to do like 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer AND lift weights. Gosh I'm so impatient it's not funny. I HATE FEELING 800 YEARS OLD.

Did I say I'm obsessing about food? Especially salads. It's like porn to me now. The perfect salad.

My legs hurt. I can't sleep.

There are 92304203948 pairs of shoes on Zappos.com. Did you know this?

I need sleeping pills. Do you all know how much I hate that? Do you know how much I hate medication?

Ok. 4am. Must try to sleep or I'll be a walking zombie tomorrow.

I can do this. I guess I'm going to need more drugs.

Did I say I'm obsessing about food? I need some Honey Nut Cheerios right now.

I am missing you. And your damn dog too.

All Tucked In

I've been online shopping for shoes. At 2am. Shoes I cannot walk in nor can I afford. I have the ugliest shoes known to man, and yes, they have been described as "instant birth control." Yet I am secretly Carrie Bradshaw. I LOVE heels. I know the good stuff. I would kill to be able to walk in the highest, pointiest shoes, but I'm only good for about ten minutes in them, and that was before the old lady shuffle that I have going now.

I covet Sis #1's closet. She has rows and rows of cuteness shoe-sonified. She also wears them about 2-3 sizes smaller than me so I can't even pilfer her leftovers. Me? Well when I had Zoe, my feet grew to ginourmous proportions. Like I wear drag queen size 11's now. And not even cute narrow ones. It's like I have Fred Flintstone feet. (but as mom says, at least they work - uh, sort of now, and at least I have feet.... so I better stop complaining, no?)

I'm so tired of wearing sneakers. I have some cute flat mules, but they are a bit hard to walk in when you are walking/shuffling all day, so I'm stuck with the sneaks. But I long for a pair of beautiful shoes. Girly shoes. Sparkly. Pink. Bows even. Sexy, high and slinky. I've heard that when you lose weight, you actually can wear shoes that are high that don't kill your feet. This is another goal for me.

ok. shoe coveting aside....

Zoe had a blast camping. But apparently it got a little windy, so they cut it short. My girls take such good care of her when they go camping. They are angels. She really does love to go. I was so happy they invited her. She loves my friends. I adore them, and miss them terribly.

The cutting the trip short was totally to my benefit :) The Zoester got to spend the night and now there is a big ol Easter basket just waiting for her tomorrow morning.

Here she is in her little apron dying eggs. They turned out really pretty.

She is such a snuggle child. We turned on Disney for a while and just watched cartoons and she would just hold my hands in hers and snug her little body up as close as she could to me. She got sad and said she didn't want to go back and wanted to stay with me. I told her that she needs to keep healthy and get lots of sleep so that she can visit more often and that way Mommy won't catch a cold. She smothered my face in kisses.

We walked over to the gym and she watched me painstakenly do ten minutes on the exercise bike and three sets of leg curls. It was agonizing and humiliating. I know it is going to take a while, but I feel 800 years old. But I wanted her to see that I was working on getting stronger. I wish there was something they could give me to counteract the muscle weakening from the steroids. I feel so wimpy.

Mom made pork chops and spaghetti with garlic. She also make this angel food cake thing with pudding filling and frozen strawberries. Zoe scarfed down the spaghetti and ate about 10 black olives. I am still eating like a teenage boy, and hating it because I think I'm gaining weight. Which sucks because it's already hard enough to deal with physical therapy, much less when you gain weight. But yum. The pudding on the cake was yum. Damn these carb cravings!!!

We watched a bit of Harry Potter. I had to sit because my legs were killing me. They are still really swollen (the cankles) and it got really hard to walk. It scares me to death. I don't want to be in a wheelchair, but I can't even stand up without using my arms.

And for the first time, I had Zoe tuck *me* in. It was about 9pm and I was just passing out. I had to take a darvon for the pain (damnit). I don't like to take them whatsoever, but it was getting unbearable.

This weird insomnia (it's now 3am) is jacking my body clock. I hate to take sleeping pills, but I might have to get a few just to get back on a normal schedule.

I wish Zoe could be sleeping with me right now. I just want to hug her all the time. I want to hear her little breaths in her sleep and hold her tiny hand in mine. I miss the smell of her. And reading her books at night. I can't wait to see her when she wakes up. I hope she gets enough sleep. She was kind of tired and cranky.

Tomorrow I'm sure we will have candy for breakfast - ha! And I'm going to have some Easter eggs. My mom is truly the best. I am going to make sure she knows that tomorrow. She does so much for me. I can't imagine being here without her. I know my dad misses her bunches, but this would be impossible without someone as caring, sweet and organized as my mom.

For those of you who celebrate, I hope you have a wonderful Easter day.

Your assignment today is to give out lots of hugs. Hugs are good. Or just smile and be extra nice to a stranger tomorrow. You never know when you could make someone's day. Special long distance hugs to my SWLF family. I love you.

I don't have an Easter picture of Zoe because she wasn't supposed to be home for Easter, but here is the closest to her in an Easter dress. This was at her lovely Godparent's wedding, my Bro #2 and SIL #2's wedding. It is one of my happiest memories of Zoe as a little one.

I love you. No matter what. I really did want those pink shoes from LL Bean. But I was too silly to tell you that. Now I'll never know.

No Chuy's Yet

Kami, No I haven't hit Chuys yet. My favorite thing has tomatoes on it, (the fajita nachos) and I can't eat anything fresh - like their great salsa or guacamole. So until I'm able to eat the exact thing I want, I am going to stay away. Boo.

I slept an hour or so. Got up and made some breakfast tacos. So I feel a little better now. I can't cope on no sleep.

Did y'all know that Zoe is camping right now? My sweet friends snatched her up for the weekend. She loves to camp. I'm really sad that I'm missing that. As soon as I'm able, my girls and I are going to go camping.

My nurse said that they might be able to reduce my clinic visits to three times a week instead of 5-7. This means that I can spend more time at home and working out. I might try to do a modified Body for Life Challenge again.

I can do this. And hopefully I can end up being more fit than before I got sick.

Since I skipped it in that last post, I am going to give an assignment today. I'm going to the gym. I already hooked up my fluids for the day, so when they are finished in a few hours, I'm going to our apartment gym to ride the bike for ten minutes (minimum). (and yes, I probably will wear gloves cos the equipment is always funky).

It's a lovely spring day here. Probably too hot for me, but still nice out. I want you all to get out and do something. Move. Turn off the tv, play some music you like and can be joyful to. Dance around like you don't care. Dye some easter eggs. Make cupcakes. Paint your toenails sweet spring colors. Plant some flowers. Wear perfume. Deep condition your hair and fix it some way you don't usually - like with a cute barrette. Do something "Spring-like." Enjoy the day as best you can. I'm going to try. I just have to.

Ich hob dir lieb

My Yiddish. I had to Google. "Ich hob dir lieb = I love you." Appropriate for my Shoshie. (And I hope if I post something it's not like some crazy curse word. My Yiddish Yoda Master would not like that. But I will try to keep up my lessons)

I liked this site because it said "Dick and Jane do Yiddish" It also had some funny sayings and curse words. Heh. It has a word of the day too. That could come in handy.

Yiddish is, above all, the paradigmatic “Jewish” language -- the insider’s way of communicating to fellow Jews about day-to-day things (talk about God and faith is reserved for Lashon Hakkodesh - the holy tongue of Hebrew). It is at once sarcastic and dark, yet it is ultimately full of vigor, hope, and charm. In it you can hear the pathos of Jewish suffering but also the omnipresent faith that the Jew’s future will triumph in hope.

I like the last part of that quote: the omnipresent faith that the Jew's future will triumph in hope.

Throughout my dealings with my leukemia, I have had to have that type of faith. The belief that I would get better and that it was not an option. To be hopeful that I would be cured. From the beginning I just never really saw it any other way. I just was not ready to die yet. And I never really thought about dying.

And yet, somehow, I'm scared now. Like a way lot. Like I'm not feeling very brave. I go to the clinic and every single transplant person there is struggling with some issue or other. Another death on the leukemia forum from bad Graft vs. Host disease. She was more than halfway to her 100 days.

It is really discouraging because no one seems to get back to normal. They have all kinds of problems for years after. While they may feel better than before, and hell that's not hard to do because you really do feel pretty shitty; feeling good is actually like saying I feel crappy vs. I feel really crappy. Does anyone ever feel really good. Like healthy? Energetic?

But I still go on. Because I don't really have a choice. And then I'm walking in the hallway with my old lady shuffle and stumble. I nearly fall. I get on the elevator and for some reason am really glad I'm wearing a mask because I just started crying. And it s funny to me because no one can tell. Not only do they not look at you, but they can't see your facial expressions. Which for a change is a total relief.

And that's how I feel like I'm living right about now. I write in my blog. I try to be brave. But I feel like a little kid in the dark who is laying there awake, scared to death, but too afraid to tell anyone.

I know I have a lot of work to do. I know it will take time. But I feel like a ticking time bomb sometimes. When will the fevers get me? When will I get a cold? Will I ever feel strong enough to take care of myself? Of Zoe? Will I always have these stomach problems? What are these meds doing to my kidneys? Will I always cringe when I hear someone cough? And will I ever stop looking at all kids as walking germ dispensers?

What infection is going to kill me?

And I don't want to think like that. I want those thoughts out of my head. Like now.

I guess it's because I don't feel better or stronger. I make a little progress, but I feel weaker. (and now uglier) And discouraged. And even though I'm surrounded by people that I know love me and support me, I feel, well, kind of alone. Because I don't want to show that I'm afraid. Or talk about it. And I don't want to be negative. Or ungrateful for everyone's caring.

I know sometimes for me it's really hard to go to the hospital. Mom drops me off like a kid at the mall and then I go get my blood drawn and go to the clinic. And it's like couple central. Worried couples sitting there. Holding hands. Solidarity. You never know how much you miss having someone in your life until you are surrounded by couples. Kind of like how I stopped going to church after my ex husband and I split because I couldn't take looking at the married families.

It's just really lonely to go through this. I lay in my bed and sometimes I just want someone to hug and kiss me and tell me that it will be ok. To let me cry. To let me be afraid. God knows my mom couldn't love me more or take better care of me, but sometimes you just want, well, a man that you know cares about you to let you be vunerable and scared. Isn't letting go of being afraid part of that healing process? Or are you always afraid?

As far as being lonely. I know that isn't anywhere on the agenda. I feel stupid for even having that on my mind. And that I should just be worried about getting better. But damnit, I am lonely. I miss men and dating and the idea that it is actually possible to date or have a boyfriend. Now I go to the hospital and people call me 'sir.' Great.

I've been awake since two am. It's now 4:30. I'm sleeping in, so don't call me. I don't think I want to talk about this anymore.

I can do this. There's no crying in cancer ass kicking. I know this too shall pass.

I have no assignment for today. I'm kind of feeling like a big dumb assh*le.

"I love you. You're doing real good, babe. You are."

I just long to hear those words. And yes. I miss him. Even if he did suck.

A Good Life

To be alive is the most extraordinary thing we know

I woke up this morning with my SWLF family on my mind. My "loaner" husband, Sam, is on his way to get Nikki. I cannot fathom the strength that he will have to hold to do this task. I cannot imagine having to retrieve the body of one of my family members. God bless you today, Sam.

I'm not allowed to leave town for 100 days, but if I were, I'd be on a plane right now just so I could go hug my sisters. So I could go color with Gracie. Dance with the twins. So I could go be a mom to Shoshie and the girls and make them all my fantastic chicken spaghetti.

So often, since I've been diagnosed, people found out I had leukemia and were like... I'm so sorry. And yet when they'd say that to me, in my mind I was always like... gosh, I'm not. I think it sucks that I got cancer, but in the big picture it could always be worse.

This is worse. This is what I've tried to convey to you all sometimes, and I never know if I get it right.

I got cancer. But at least I got a shot to beat it. To defeat it. And I have.

I watch the news sort of every day. And every day I see worse. And yesterday, I saw it. Nikki is gone. I was the one with cancer, but Nikki is dead. How stupid is it that *I* am the lucky one? How can that not make you feel so selfish? But more importantly, My God, how can it not make you so grateful to be alive?

I know sometimes what I write sounds so hokey, but I truly believe it. I have always felt that life was just so fragile and we are lucky to be here. Getting cancer just enforced that. Yesterday's news. Enforced it.

Since the SWLF family adopted me, I have felt Sarah's presence so often. Not only through the comments from the sisters, but an actual presence when I was really really sick. Perhaps it was the morphine or the hallucinations, but there were so many times that I drew strength from just the thought of Sarah watching over me. Like a calmness or a friend sitting there with me.

And I still feel that. When I get scared. When I doubt myself. When I'm in clinic and I can barely drag ass. Somehow it's like she's there, kicking me in the butt saying, c'mon, you can do it. I know she's there.

But the hardest thing for me was Nikki. Her love for Sarah was so great. The SWLF sisters know Sarah is here, but Nikki knew that the most. That's why I loved her. And when I would think of Nikki, I would think of her strength, her capacity to care, her unending support of me, her huge heart and then lastly of her heartbreak over Sarah. How do you go through life after you lose the love of your life?

I'd rather have cancer than lose my heart like that.

I know that pretty much no one wanted Nikki to go to Cambodia, but I sort of felt that she needed to go to heal. I know that if I had lost my love like that, I would want to crawl in a hole and disappear. But you can't do that. You've got to keep on moving. Keep on living.

I have two angels now. I know it. One that makes me laugh, makes me brave when I don't feel brave, and crave candy, and now my Nikki who was always so positive and unwavering that I would be cancer free. That I would be living a long life.

I am going to do my damndest to live that long life. I still have lots of healing to do, but I'm off with a bang. I feel so lucky to be here. I feel so lucky to be alive. I feel so fortunate to be alive. I am the lucky one.

I can do this. I am doing this. I have solemly promised. And I intend to live up to that promise.

Your assignment today is to count your blessings.

I read so many blogs and sometimes I'm like... wow. You think that's a problem? Skiing in Aspen or Vail? Blonde highlights or red? And in a person's small reality, sometimes that problem really does seem overwhelming. And maybe it is to them. But most times the problems really are pretty insignificant in the big picture. And those are the people that I want to shake sometimes and go "snap out of it!" (like Cher did in Moonstruck). I mean I got cancer, and in the big picture, I think that is a pretty insignificant problem - in comparison to someone on the street or starving or dying impoverished or whatever. Honestly, even if I hadn't been so lucky to kick this cancer's ass, I still am so grateful to be alive. To be here.

Even when life is bad, it's pretty damn good. I got cancer and it has changed my life. It has changed my perspective. It has deepened my love and appreciation for my child and my family and friends. It has shown me humility. It has shown me gratefulness. It has humbled me. It has shown me just how lucky I am. And how precious and great my life really is. Even when I'm sick and hurting and having a bad day, I'm still glad to be here to have the bad day. I'm alive. I'm blessed beyond words.

Please count your blessings today. Be grateful. Hold your loved ones close. And then hold them closer.

Much much love to the SWLF.

Beloved

Susie said:

... and let her never know one moment of not feeling loved and cherished. Amen.

Nikki is dead.

Sarah's Beloved. Many people's Beloved. I'm just at a loss for words. I'm devastated. She was killed in a jeep accident in Cambodia. She was there to help people and now she's dead.

I love her. She is my Beloved. She held so much faith for me. She and Sarah's loved ones, my sisters, my extended family. They all do. I felt Nikki's presence every day. Her emails encouraged me. Calmed me. They found me and now she's gone.

My heart is breaking for My Shoshie and her sisters. I want to be there with them. I want to grieve and hug them and love them as much as they have been here for me and loved me for so many months.

My Nikki. And my angel Sarah. Do I have two angels now? I want to believe that. My two Beloveds looking over me. Encouraging me. Helping me through this.

I promise you Shoshie. I love you. I do. I won't let you down. I will not. I swear to you that I will do whatever it takes.

(and Mom said she'd cook you whatever you'd want when you come).

Please pray for my SWLF family. Keep them in your heart.

For Sarah and Nikki

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I love you My sweet sister

I'm still a bit in the dark. But I'm here for you all.

You are my family... my lovely, wonderful, extra sisters. And I will always count on you as part of my family.

I don't know if there is more to say yet, but for now, I'm devastated. I can't imagine what you all are going through, but I love you dearly. And will forever.

Today I hold you in my heart. A million prayers from a million pieces of my soul go to you.

I love you. My sweet Shoshie and her wonderful sisters. My Nikki. My Sarah. My angels. I adore you.

My heart is so heavy. I wish I could hug you for days.

Breakfast With Elvis

Moonface girl cooked up breakfast tacos this morning. With a side of Darvon. I think tomorrow I will make a fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich to go with my drugs.

My cankles are now three million times bigger.

My moonface is now nearly perfectly circular. I look like that whiney character on PBS - Callou (sp?) I feel like that whiney little kid. I have to say this look is worse than losing hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, vomiting, anything. I am so sad to look like this. I know that it is a temporary thing, but how temporary? I want it to go away NOW! I feel like an alien.

I can't raise my arm from the pain of the new catheter.

I'm 800 years old. And that's not in dog years.

I can do this. But someone needs to get these fluids out of me.

Your assignment today is to get ready for Spring. Some may celebrate Passover or Easter or just the Easter bunny. Mom is making some strawberry angel food cake thing for Sunday. I plan on taking a walk later tonight at dusk when it's not so sunny and hot. But Spring is a time for renewal. Take it as a challenge to renew something in your life. Make some Easter eggs. Buy some candy. Do something fun and crafty for Spring.

I may be one hurtin girl today, but gosh I'm glad to be alive to feel it.

Haikus Hit the Spot

No blood return boo
My catheter did not work
My hands now jacked

Hurt like hell again
Had to get a new central line
This one better work

Hit the rehab clinic
Still strong but legs are so weak
I feel 800

I surprised myself
It felt good to be moving
I could barely stand

I walked all over
I think I over did it
Still have huge cankles

Was a really big day
I am now on day 44
It feels like day one

I can do this, yo
But I am going to bed
I am exhausted.

(although I do get the weekend off I think to do my own infusion. This makes me happy.

Tell Grace I love to color. So does Zoe.

I have Cankles

I'm all Puffy. And not in the Diddy way.

Yesterday Dr. Q and my nurse said it was the steroids. My ankles are non-existent now and, well, it rather hurts. It's like wearing ankle weights all the time. It was hard enough to walk with the weakened thigh muscles, but now I'm carrying about 923408230 pounds of fluid in each shin and ankle.... Oh well. I FINALLY start my rehab today. Lets hope they can do something.

I also looked at my face in the mirror this morning and got totally sad. I look like a moon pie. All round and swollen and steroided out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I don't like looking so oompah loompah. Bad enough my head still looks like a chia pet, since my hair is NOT even close to growing, but now I'm all poofy faced. So sad because when I got the way way skinny, my face looked pretty cute, even bald headed. I was diggin it. Now I look like a moony alien.

It all just makes me want to hide and not get out of bed.

And then. Then I shut my piehole and just keep doing it. I have no choice here. I have a job to do, poofy faced and all. But I'm still sad. I am hating how I look right now. I know it's not forever, but I miss my own reflection. I miss recognizing myself and my body. I am really missing my hair. I found one of my pretty pony tail holders and started crying the other day.

And at the hospital I keep getting called sir. No matter how sassy my earrings are. Bastards!

I slept kind of crappy, but more than I had been the past few nights. I woke up about 4:30 and started thinking about who I am. And the first thing that came to mind was that I'm a mom.

A mom.

And what do mom's do? Well we just suck it up and do it. It's what makes us moms - sacrifice, determination, love, patience, stubborness, multi-taskers, humor, but mostly full of love.

I read back through some of my archives (skeery), and look over how hard it all was sometimes. Working, running around, taking care of Zoe and always on the go. But most of the time I just sucked it up and moved on. Which is probably why I really didn't realize how sick I was at the time. You are a mom and you just do things.

There is a girl at the hospital, Ashley, who is about ten days ahead of me in her transplant. I knew her from our leukemia clinics together. A sassy 23 year old from Florida - she and I have pretty much the same disease and situation.

But she's not doing well and has relapsed post transplant. I was sitting in the lounge when her mom came in and told me about it. The agony on her face was devastating to me. I could tell she had been crying. It hurt so bad to even hear it. Like they said, it's somewhat hard to be getting better when you know that someone is not. They are doing a few things for Ashley, but she seems so defeated right now. I just want to hug her and tell her it will be ok, but you don't know that. I hate cancer. It makes me so sad.

After Ashley's mom told me, a few moments later, she got this look on her face. Like a steely determination. And I just saw the mom look. I don't know what will happen to Ashley, but I know her mom is going to kick as much ass as she can to get that kid well.

I'm trying really hard, but I'm pretty damn tired. The leg thing is really bothering me. I think I am not listening to my body and resting enough. I am going to make an effort to do that more.

But I just want to get stronger like NOW. I just need to be patient and realize that it's going to take a while for that to happen. It's a delicate balance between taking care of your soul and working on strengthening your body.

I can do this. I'm going to make it happen.

Besides, I got some sweet Zoe notes in my last comments:

i love you from zoe lovezoe

i can spel som word cat dog can love joy genny green pink purple red you yes no off blue black by zoe

xxoxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxox

Today your assignment is to be patient. I know many of you are dieting, quitting smoking, working out, dealing with some major health issues or sadness, job issues, or just trying to freaking live life. Well today I want you to pray (if you pray) for patience or just work on being patient. Sometimes no matter how bad you want something to happen, or need for it to happen, you just have to be patient and let it happen in its own time.

I know I am the Queen of Zero Patience. I pray for that all the time - probably now more than ever. So today I want you to meditate, pray or try to just relax and have a little .... patience.

Question for Yiddish Yoda Master.... I was looking up the origins of Passover. Do you wish people "Happy Passover" like Easter or Christmas, or is it more of a solemn holiday?

Regardless, I hope you enjoy time with your peeps. As they are really lovely peeps!

Fun at 4am

So. Awake at 2:45am. That's about four hours of sleep again.

You get to a point where you must entertain yourself somehow.

Either that or eat the rest of the ice cream (which I told my mom is hereby banished from the shopping list). I did a little Amazon window browsing. Checked out soup recipes on allrecipes.com (and my favorite cookie recipe). Watched the weather channel. Did you realize that Momma's Family is showing in re-runs... the hell? Read a few blogs. Watched the Riverdance Dude talk about his "secrets to success" and his bazillion dollars - who knew crazy legs could make so much money. Contemplated buying something off of QVC for like .0005 seconds. Watched Christy Brinkley and Chuck Norris exercise on some weird contraption. Watched some lady cook like 8 pounds of raw bacon in a skillet to put in her chili, bleech. Watched those beyotches make margaritas with the "Magic Bullet." I swear I'm going to Chuys and I am going to drink a damn margarita.

Then decided it was 4am photo time.

My cell phone has these frame things you can use around your pictures. Could that be any cheesier?

I figured I'd celebrate my birthday a few months early, since I'm going to be a cupcake taster for a living and all:

My central line was acting up a bit, so they had to stick my hand at the lab today. How patriotic is it to have matching bruises? God Bless America!

Paris Hilton covets the baggage under my eyes. Who needs Fendi when you have debu_insomnia? I even gift wrapped them with a cute little bow.

The perfect gift for a graduate? Why puffy eyes of course!! Any grad would be super thankful.

Creepy cement face. I want to go back to bed. Can you tell how happy I am to not be sleeping?

I can do this. I have QVC.

Your assignment today is to try to go to bed early for a change. Enjoy that sleep. No television. No interesting books. Maybe some sleepytime tea. You deserve a good night's sleep.

And for those who have infants and aren't able to get the zzzzz's, I want you to treat yourself to something nice tomorrow. Pedicures are good. A lovely salad with all the works is great too. (what I wouldn't give for some greens!!) And if you want, dessert. Salads are better, but sometimes cranberry bars from Starbucks just kind of hit the spot. (then go for a walk with kiddo).

I love you internets. Enough to post wacked out pictures of myself. And that's a lot. Seriously.

These cookies remind me of my mom. I used to like to eat them warm.

My mom is the best. She has been taking such good care of me. I wish I could do something nice for her.

INGREDIENTS:
- 2 cups white sugar
- 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1/2 cup milk
- 1/2 cup margarine
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 pinch salt
- 1/2 cup chunky peanut butter
- 3 cups quick cooking oats
________________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
1. In a saucepan over medium heat, combine the sugar, cocoa, milk and margarine. Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally. Boil for 1 minute, then remove from heat and stir in the vanilla, salt, peanut butter and oats.
2. Drop by rounded spoonfuls onto waxed paper. Allow cookies to cool for at least 1 hour. Store in an airtight container.

2am + Mint Chocolate Chip = Insane

Ok. I've been up since 2am. I went back to sleep for a wee bit around 7, but for the most part I was awake most of the night. I've heard that some of these meds (steroids) can make you have insomnia, but I think I was just, well, awake.

So at 3am, I was all hungry and I ate this ice cream that we bought. I'm bizarre, and that was uber compulsive. I'm not liking that. I think I will make sure that I do some extra walking today to make up for it. I know I've gained back some of the weight I lost (that 16 lbs I lost in a week), but that's now how I want to gain any of it back. I want my muscles back. And I've noticed that my ass is no longer the J Low that it once was and is more resembling Way Lo now. I'm so not digging that.

Plus. See. I'm now addicted to the Food Network. Not a good thing. I'm all Bravo'd out. I am going to break out all the DVDs that I can find now. It just sucks because the remote is packed up somewhere, so I can't fast forward or anything. I'm thinkin we will have to hit Radio Shack today to get a universal remote for that DVD player. It drives me nuts. I have like 92380438 remotes and none of them work.

They haven't put the rehab on my schedule yet, but I think regardless I'm going to head over to our gym at the apartment. It's right by where we are, and they have this great equipment. It's usually empty too, so that's a good thing. I think I could do a little treadmill action - or at least a few minutes on the bike. Just enough to make my legs move. To feel my body move. Any Houstonians that want to come workout with me, you're more than welcome to join me. Since I know mom won't let me workout without a babysitter.

Zoe and I went walking yesterday. It felt good, but I was still really slow. I try hard to walk a bit faster, but it feels impossible. Like my legs don't work. The nurses assure me that this is a result of the steroids as they aren't the Barry Bonds type. I also know (from the Actonel bone scan study I did), that from the first five rounds of chemo that I lost 9% of my bone density in three months - even with extra Vitamin D and Calcium and that Actonel drug. Makes me wonder how much I would have lost without it. Then I got the Hiroshima chemo with the transplant, who knows where my bone levels are at. So that is extra incentive to keep moving.

I was excited to be able to not have to go to the hospital over the weekend. Doing the home infusion was pretty easy. I could have even made it portable as they give you this backpack thingy. I hope they let me do it again next weekend as I'm scheduled to go in at 7am (YUCK). Most of the time I go in after 10. Makes it easy to get everything done before I go in.

I've been up watching television most of the morning. They sure do struggle to get stories in the mornings.

I can do this. I just need to get my butt in gear.

I'm sick of all the protesty, war news going on, so your assignment today is to be generous - to do something completely random. You know when you go to the grocery store they have those $5 bags of groceries that you can buy and put in the barrel? Well when y