debutaunt.com

It's Hammer Time

I have been on sleeping pills for the past two days.

I wake up feeling hammered. It's like I haven't slept. So I don't know if I want to keep taking them. I'm a zombie. But it's probably good for me because I end up sleeping about 5 hours interrupted. We'll see tonight.

But

I'm sitting here waiting for the NBC interview with bobblehead Star Jones. What a freak show she is. I'm actually kind of giddy. I used to sort of like her until she started plugging sponsors for her wedding. They even have a website.

I still can't believe she got "sponsors" for her wedding. Over a million dollars in jewelry. Payless shoes. A 27 foot veil ("the longest in history") Bling bling crystals on her flowers..

Star Jones married banker Al Reynolds on November 13, 2004. The wedding was held at Saint Bartholomew's Church in New York City in front of 500 guests, and featured three matrons of honor, 12 bridesmaids, two junior bridesmaids, three best men, 12 groomsmen, three junior groomsmen, six footmen, four ring bearers, and four flower girls. More than 30 corporate "sponsors" donated wedding attire and merchandise for the event, in exchange for mentions on The View and on Jones Reynolds' website.

It was so over the top that it was disgusting. I'm glad she's gone. She could not be more self-absorbed and annoying.

I just made some coffee. So I'm fixin to go drink it.

I can do this. I have chocolate coffee.

Your assignment today is to have a picnic. Fix or buy some stuff and if it's not a weather friendly day, put down a cloth in your living room on the floor and turn on some music. Even if it's just you. There is just something very summery about picnics. If you can, make sure you have some fresh veggies and fruit. I made a great turkey/apple salad yesterday. Yum.

I'm Unhumorous and I don't care if that isn't a word

< whinese>

Am I a total dumbass for just wanting my life back?

I have a headache from all the stuff I have to do between now and the end of July (when I may be moving).

Sorting. It's all about sorting. Shred this paperwork or keep it? What storage facility should I use - one here or one near my sister so she could check on it if need be? What goes in storage? (or better yet, should I sell all my stuff and not store it because it would be cheaper?) What goes to San Antonio? What goes to Sis #2's yard sale? Will I even be moving back to Houston EVER? When will I be able to work full time? And what is it exactly that I want to do (biggest no clue moment yet) And I'm the only one that can decide what goes where. No one else can sort my life.

I'm sorry. I just would like to keep my belongings. I know they are replaceable. I know there isn't anything really nice. But I'm 38 years old and have been on my own for a long time. And I feel like everyone thinks that my things are just expendable. Here. Why don't I just set a bonfire and burn all this shit up? That would be easier than trying to figure out what to do. That's kind of what it feels like. I feel like I'm having panic attacks. I feel like an idiot. This stuff isn't a big deal. There is no need to worry about any of this. So why am I freaking out?

I think part of it is that I'm pretty sleep deprived. I keep waking up like 3-4 times a night to visit Mrs. Haversham and her pee store. It's been going on for about 3-4 weeks. I really am going to take a sleeping pill tonight. I can't hide my head in the sand anymore. But I feel really run down. Like I've been beaten up. I know myself. I have terrible coping skills when I don't get enough sleep.

I know I have to just take things one at a time. But for some reason, it just feels like I won't have enough time to do everything. And it's all so complicated. If this happens then this happens. Whatever. Whatever. I just want to settle down somewhere and work and take care of myself. But that's not going to happen.

As Sis #1 always says - It is what it is.

And I'm sick of reading this. I'm sure you are too.

P.S. I miss Zoe. Like really really bad. Her smiles. Her voice. Her smell. Her hugs. Everything. I know she's having a fun time, but it's like a part of me is missing. Like I'm really unsettled. This too shall pass.

< /whinese>

I am going to fix a big salad for lunch. And some time today I am going to go work out. I honestly don't want to do anything else. Because I am the suck that way.

I can do this. I'm frustrated as shit (that's for you "cursing_police"), but I can do this.

Your assignment for today is write down a list of things you want to accomplish by the end of July. Remember those New Year's resolutions? Did you do them? If not, byegones. Just write up a new list and set some goals for the end of next month. Make sure you have some things on there that are just for you. To nurture yourself. Some times you just have to cut yourself a break (uh, debu, take your own advice), and take care of yourself - setting your worries aside for a bit. It really will help you take care of business when you need to.

I am going to make an effort to do this myself. Something about money and your mouth...

There is nothing funnier than listening to my mom growl at the tv while she's watching Wimbleton and her favorite players are screwing up.

GRRRRRRRR

Oh C'mon

It's his shoes. They are too clunky.

The Holy Temple of Freshness

I just ate....

A banana and some strawberries and tonight I'm having a

BIG OLD SALAD!!!

I have been off the bad steroids for a week now with no ill side effects (yeah, knock on wood there), so my doctor cleared me to eat fresh fruits and veggies (at home only).

So I hit the Market to the gods, HEB Central Market. It was AWESOME. It was like the vegetables were calling out to me.

I don't think I've been this excited since Zoe was born.

Ok. Time to make the salad. I think I'm going to have salad for breakfast.

I can do this. I have greens on my side.

Today your assignment is an oldie but a goodie. Eat more veggies. Try really hard this week to get all of your servings of fruits and veggies. Try to include them as snacks, and at least one or two with every meal. Vegalcious. I'm so excited it's not funny.

Zoe Flashback

I was married to an Italian from New York. I'm surprised that Zoe's first word wasn't the f*bomb. (first word was actually bird)

I'm missing Zoe, so I wanted to post a memory. Sometimes when I'm sad, I really like to think about Zoe as a baby. She was so danged cute that people would stop me in public like she was the Baby Jesus or something. I had several women want to hold her. That was kind of freaky. I told you all she's magical.

If you are sensitive to reading curse words, you may want to skip the extended entry.

Peace,
Debs

Zoe was probably about 2 and a half, close to three, when this happened. We were riding in my car coming home from a restaurant. Zoe was blowing into the straw and making bubbles with her Sprite.

"Zoe, if you keep doing that, I'm going to have to take your drink away."

Zoe. More bubbles. I turn around and snatch up the drink.

She doesn't cry or anything. She crosses her arms and gets the angriest look on her face. Saying nothing. She just sits there for like a minute or two and pouts. She looks like the devil child.

Then. I hear it. Barely spoken.

"Fucking."

I try really hard not to laugh. I'm trying to figure out what to do. Do I talk to her about bad words? Give her a warning?

I choose to ignore it. Then. She says it again. A little louder this time.

"Fucking."

Again. The ignore.

"Mommy, did you hear what I just said?" she yells.

We then had a discussion on bad words. I am really careful about what I say around her, so I know she didn't get that one from me.

I miss her.

Today I went shopping for clothes and shoes. Found - nada. I saw some cute sandals, but they had too high of a heel. I could just see myself doing the debu_shuffle and falling off my shoe or something. (mentally picture this. cos I can totally see myself doing that) They were white too, so by the time I'm no longer 800 years old, they will be white and after labor day.

I also tried on some clothes. Why didn't anyone tell me that hoochie is the new pink? Sleeveless, low cut, short-waisted. The clothes are all made for women with hu-mangous boobs I'm thinking. I put on a top and my entire left breast was hanging out. You could totally pull the front down. I'm not about to double sided tape up my tatas. And the empire waist. First they call me sir, next they would be asking me when I'm due. Those shirts make everyone pregnant. "Look at Debu's 'bump.' How far along are you?"

We aren't going to go there with the pants. I'm all weird sized now. If they fit in the waist, it looks like I took a big durff in my pants. If they fit in the bootie, then the waist is like hella tight. I might have to start wearing skirts. But all they have now are these prairie jane skirts. So not my look.

I went to Ross after the last store. Sensation overload. More hoochie shirts. I finally had to sit in the shoe department for about ten minutes.

But it was nice to get out of the house. Even if it was 120 degrees in the parking lot.

I found a transplant hospital in San Antonio. I think it is a really good center as it was recommended by my doctor and my insurance company. So much to do. At least I have about a month or so before I move. But the lady I talked to was really really nice. It was a good sign.

And yah. I'm working out again *sweet*

I can do this. Me and the bike. Sans hoochie clothes.

Your assignment for today is to go shopping. Buy yourself ONE new thing. Shoes, belt, earrings, clothing, whatever. Treat yourself to something new. Doesn't have to be expensive, just new (or at a resale shop - new to you). Have fun. Get a sitter and leave your kid(s) at home. No significant others either. Just go by yourself and enjoy thinking about what would look good on you. Take your time. You deserve it.

Go Patty Go!!!

One of my brother's co-workers is going to be running the Adidas Dublin (Ireland) marathon for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training.

She is doing this in my honor. When I found out I was beyond touched.

She's trying to raise $5800. I'd love it if she could meet her goal.

My goal is to raise $5,800. Over 75% of your tax-deductible contribution is used for research, patient services and education. Please make as generous a donation as you can to support my participation in Team In Training and help advance the Society's mission.

Here is a link to her site. Even a few dollars start to add up. I appreciate any donations you can give. If you can't donate, please spread the word!!!!

http://www.active.com/donate/tntctx/tntctxPGonzal

Thanks!

P.S. Claudia also does TNT triathalons and marathons. Please donate to these amazing women!

Don't Let the Door Hitya

I apologized. I'm not losing sleep over this. I'm also not sorry for what I said, because I still feel that way (and yes, I personally am a bit of a fatass, so I know what it's like to be overweight), but I am sorry if I offended someone. That just happens when you voice opinions. Guess the apology doesn't matter. Regardless, it's how I feel.

A dangerous surgery should be a last resort. And only for the truly obese - like bedridden. If you don't think gastric bypass is the new carpal tunnel, then turn on daytime tv. There are at least 2-3 ads per hour. Pretty much any surgeon can do the surgery too. Doesn't matter if they are experienced or not. And just google gastric bypass deaths.

Gastric Bypass Surgery Gone Bad Study: 1 In 50 People Die Within A Month Of Surgery

And then, you have to workout and eat right anyway after the surgery. So why not get off your ass now and walk a block and back before undergoing the knife? Even if it takes you years to lose the weight, by that time you will be fitter and won't have a stomach the size of an egg. They are baby steps.

I guess mostly to me when someone loses weight the "old fashioned" and HEALTHY (uh boring) way, it is truly inspirational. Like someone who climbs a mountain after undergoing chemo treatments. I would think that losing weight by changing your lifestyle would be much more satisfying than recovering from some damn surgery. People do it all the time.

It's like climbing a mountain vs. getting to the top via helicopter.

That being said, if you don't want to read my blog anymore, well that's your choice. Personally I don't really give a shit. I'll still be here.

NE-Way........

I've been thinking about my move to San Antonio. While it's great to have that option, I really am going to miss my friends and my sisters here in Houston. I don't really know anyone in San Antonio. I know that my parent's church all know who I am, but it's not the same. It's bad enough here, where I feel so totally isolated, but to move somewhere I don't know anyone, well it just is a bit sad to me. At least I can join my parent's gym. That is going to be my main focus.

I'm done here.

Your assignment for today is to GET OFF YOUR ASS AND MOVE. DON'T EAT LIKE CRAP TODAY. Trust me. You will feel better for doing so. It's pretty freaking basic.

Oh Jesus. Discovery Health show - "Escaping Obesity - Kathy's Story." Escape. Escape. It's a fate worse than death. You are a piece of crap if you are fat. You must be miserable and lazy. Probably smelly. Oh the humanity. *rolling eyes here.*

Apology

My apologies to "Lucky" (see comments, previous entry).

I do sort of feel that the gastric bypass surgery is cheating. Weight loss is hard, right? Working out is hard. I do have to admit that the morbidly obese are way better off with the surgery (this after watching Discovery's show The 750 pound man). I think I've tried every diet known to man, but I can't imagine resorting to major surgery to lose weight. Especially when you basically can't eat for the rest of your life. It sounds miserable.

But I still think the key to weight loss is to move. Even if it's just a bunch of baby steps in the beginning. That and to not kid yourself about what you eat. You can't eat like crap - at least not the majority of the time, and then wonder why your pants don't fit anymore.

Each person's situation is different though. I do think that insurance companies should cover the surgery. For someone who really needs the surgery, the weight loss is so critical to good health. But I would hope that it would be a last resort.

I just like to read about people who lose weight by working out and changing their lifestyles. It's not supposed to be a miserable thing - working out is fun. And when you eat better, you feel better. At least that is my experience.

Sorry if I upset you (or others).

I Need More Cowbell

5am. I'm totally awake. So I got up and hooked up my home infusion IVs. I'm watching this show on people that lost weight the old fashioned way on Discovery Health. It's pretty inspiring. I always feel like when people have that gastric bypass surgery, they are somehow cheating. And diet pills scare the crap out of me.

Ok. If I could, I'd eat a salad for breakfast. I'm craving fresh veggies like nobody's business. Mom left half a tomato on the counter last night and I almost picked it up and ate it. Grrrrrr. Baby steps.

I'm kind of excited. They are tapering off some of my meds. They cut out my steroid dose. I still take this other kind, but I think they cut the one that makes my face swell. I'm praying that is the case. I'm tired of this moon face.

But my magnesium levels are like non existent. I mean reallly low. Which makes my hands tremor. It's kind of weird. It can also cause seizures. So I'm taking pills and do daily infusions of magnesium. It's like having a circus in my stomach. But at least I don't have to go back to the doctor until next week, which is cool.

I was sitting in the clinic yesterday and they had the Houston flooding on the national news. They made it sound like all of Houston was under water, like New Orleans during Katrina. We barely had water on our street although we got about 5-8 inches of rain during the night and a bunch more that morning. But I had no problem getting to my appointments yesterday. Bad thing was so many employees of MDA had a hard time getting to work so there were long waits.

Then the local news acts like it's the second coming of Jesus. All the stations showed the same news clips over and over. Sooooo dramatic. I know we've had some bad flooding, but I think five hours of flooded freeways is ridiculous. Besides, most of the people that need to know about the weather didn't have any power to watch the news. Mom was mad that they pre-empted The Price is Right.

I miss Zoe. A lot.

I need to get out more. I feel like I don't have anything fun to write about anymore. Maybe I should be more active on MySpace or something.

I can do this. My street isn't flooded.

Your assignment today is to go through your books and old cd's and pull the ones you don't want. Head out to Half Price Books and sell them (or have a yard sale) and buy some new books. Or go to the library and check out something new. Now that I have more time around the house, I want to some major reading.

Big hugs to Sis #2 and her family. She had to put her beloved dog down. I am not a big dog person, but I always liked Latka. He was a cool dog, although he used to always come sit next to me and put his butt on me or sit on my foot. He was really mellow even though he looked really mean (German Shepherd mix). I was so sad to hear about this. He was great with the kids. He will really be missed. Safe journey, Latka. You were a great dog.

Bon Voyage Zkat

Zoe's gone. I was missing her before she even left.

Her dad flew in from NYC yesterday to pick her up for about six weeks. His flight was delayed a few hours so we sat in the cell phone lot (a brilliant idea, BTW - you can park in this lot for free and wait on your party to phone you). Zoe and my mom walked around and I made some phone calls. We then picked him up, but took a wrong turn (too many tollways) and got a bit lost on our way to his hotel. Then we ate at the Cracker Barrel - a restaurant for cracker white people only apparently (some racism lawsuit).

Zoe hugged me goodbye about six times at the hotel. I feel like I barely just got to see her and then she's gone again. She was so happy to see her dad. I'm glad she went though. I know she will have fun as she gets to go to this day camp and then swim every night. Last year she came home so tan people were speaking Spanish to her at the grocery store. Obviously she doesn't get this from me.

Today has been a chill out day. I busted out my yoga DVD and man am I totally inflexible. I'm all full of magnesium so it's doing weird stuff to my stomach. It was a home workout kind of day so I could stay close to the bathroom. How fun and sexy am I?

Baby steps.

I also spent like 30 minutes trying to pluck my eyebrows. They grew back, but it's weird to pluck them again as you don't have that great outline already there - they just grew in like bushes. They turned out pretty good. And even though my hair is growing in pretty sparse, I'm glad the color is the same as it was - jet black. Zoe loved to rub my head and said it was as soft as a baby's. It made me sad to wake up this morning without knowing that she would come bust in at 7:30am to watch tv and snug up with me.

I have a big day tomorrow at MDA. Some full cardio workup, at 7:30am no less - damnit, then labs, then I meet with my doctor. I'm not sure how all of this will work, but it's still much better than having to go in 3-4 times a week. I'm going to be there all day though.

Here's hoping my heart wasn't damaged.

I can do this. Even at 7:30am.

Your assignment for today is to get up an extra 30 minutes early than normal. Enjoy the solitude of the morning. If you drink coffee, savor it (thanks Moxie for the Godiva coffee!!!! It's so yummy). Make yourself breakfast instead of cereal or toast. Enjoy the silence. Or just stay in bed and stretch for that extra 30 minutes. Enjoy your morning.

I love you. And especially you. Cos you make me laugh.

Sent to me by my cuz, Rebecca. These were funny

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate Meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Britney Gets Personal

Ms. Spears is telling all in some tv interviews today. She says she doesn't care what other people think of her. Stating. The. Obvious?

I slept about five hours last night and couldn't get back to sleep. So 5:30am was it for me. I'm so not diggin it. I'm slowly making my way round the internet. I hadn't read any of my regular blogs in weeks. It's going to take me a few weeks to catch up I think.

There is a news story that really is bothering me. These two scumbags tried to rob this couple who were at a payphone. They didn't have any money. So the scum carjacked the couple's SUV after they made the kids in the car get out. Then they drove off, but not until after they ran over the couple's two year old, who died. The two year old's birthday is today.

I hate Houston sometimes. I hate when we have stories like these. I don't watch the news that often, but when we get a story like this, it just disgusts me.

Sometimes I wish I lived in a small town. As long as they have a taco cabana, I'd be all right. I am pretty sure that we will be moving to San Antonio though with my folks (I'm sure they are thrilled, not). No other option seems to work right now. At least it's an option. I'm just blessed to have it.

I don't think I'm quite able to take care of myself and Zoe by myself just yet. I still am pretty weak and get tired easily. Part of this is because my red blood cell count, while it's high enough, still isn't in the normal range. So my body has a hard time carrying oxygen to my lungs, muscles, etc. They started me on Procrit to help with that, but for now, I do get a little winded. Baby steps.

Did I tell y'all my hair is growing? Hee. it looks like a baby. It's still thin and has bald spots, but it's soft like a baby chick and jet black.

[aside] Get off the tv George Bush and Iraq. Approval ratings. Bleh. I want to hear Brit Brit tell all. Matt Lauer asks her, "are you a good mom?" I can't wait to hear what she has to say. She's so trashy it's delicious.

Ok. Zoe will be awake soon. She sleeps in the other room with my mom (they have a trundle bed). Then every morning around 7:30 she comes and knocks on my door. I love seeing her. She always wears one of my shirts to bed and it is hu-mang-ous (that's how she says it). Then she comes in and snuggles and watches cartoons. We hang out until she tells me she's hungry for breakfast. Mom sleeps late, so I make breakfast for the both of us. (I'm gettiing good at the egg thing) She sure is adorable.

I can do this. I have Taco Cabana.

Your assignment today is to hydrate. I woke up at 3am and was really thirsty. I often think I don't drink enough water. So today, I want you to purposely focus on getting at least 8 glasses or more today. It's great for your kidneys. And makes your skin look really good too. So drink up.

I thought this was funny

Graduation Day

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An adult."
- Sis #1's son - age six

Yesterday Sis #1 came over with her two adorable kids. It was great for Zoe because she had some playmates and they went swimming and ate spaghetti and popsicles with us. It was strange for me to be around so many kids as it's been a while. But they are so funny and cute. We had a great time.

Zoe loves to swim. I can't wait to get my central line out so I can go in the pool with her. The other night we talked. She's a pretty anxious child. It was like she had all these things in her head and she was waiting until she saw me to spill them all out. From bats (do they really suck blood - no they eat fruit) to chicken pox (you won't get them, you had shots) to where we are going to be living (possibly with my parents, but we don't know just yet).

I told her that she didn't need to worry about things like that because we have a big family to take care of us and that God will let it all work out. She said she worries a lot. I told her that her job was to be a kid and have fun and to learn in school. I sang her the Zoe songs and she relaxed. She wanted me to tell her a story about me. This apparently is something she's been doing to my sisters. Wanting to know about me.

It rips my heart out. It's been such a hard nine months. It's difficult to tell if she's dealing with all of this okay because she also acts like a kid and runs around doing typical kid stuff and has fun. But then she hits you with some zingers. Like the time we were in line for an ice cream cone and then out of the blue she asks me if I'm going to die from my "dracula blood."

I miss her. I really do. There are so many things that are different about her and I feel like I missed it. But somehow we are so much closer. She's very sweet with me. Very affectionate. It feels like we have this shared secret. I am excited at the prospect of living with her again.

Yesterday was a big day. I went in to the clinic like normal, and met with my doctor. He said I was doing great and could "graduate" from that clinic. What that means is that I won't have as many appointments, and will only have to meet with my doctor once a week. I will still have some daily infusions, but they will be at home and will be these baby bottle things. So now I only go to the hospital maybe once or twice a week.

This is awesome news.

It will be nice to have a more set schedule. No more six hour days 3-7 days a week in the clinic. I will still have some followup appointments - like the full cardio workup on Monday, but for the most part, I will be at home.

It's also rather daunting. There is something comforting about knowing your "numbers." The lab work. Feeling bad? Maybe it's because your platelets are low and you need a transfusion (which I never did). They watch your kidney and liver functions - which is nice because you take all these meds and it scares me what they could be doing to my internal organs. When you are in the clinic, you have a daily nurse (and they all rock and are super sweet), you also have your case nurse and your pharmacist. It's your team. And it's like this huge security blanket of sorts. It's scary to feel unwell, and it always felt safe to be there. The nurses know your name. They remember you.

When I was in the hospital with the encephelitis, I would cry, "I want to go back to the ATC (the clinic), I want to go back to the ATC. They know how to take care of me. I want to go back to the ATC."

But I need to accept that my numbers are fairly stable and they felt that I was ok to move on. Next steps. Baby steps. I can do this. I am doing this.

[aside]
Although I can't get my magnesium levels up, it's very typical for bone marrow transplant patients, so I can't get my line removed just yet. I just started on mag pills, so we will see if that helps. I also am doing research on foods that contain magnesium.

The nurses sang to me "Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey, congradulations!" and I got a medal and a ribbon that they had signed. I wanted to cry, but I was too excited.

This is the break I was needing. I'll be home, so I can go to my gym here to workout. Lot of other stuff to handle, but I really need to regain my strength, flexibility and muscle tone. I need to rest. I need to listen to my body and take care of it. After all, we've been doing some horrible things to it for the past nine months. They practically kill you and bring you back. Then there was the whole brain swelling thing.

Zoe is going to New York to visit her dad for about six weeks. I feel like I just got her back and here she is gone again. But it's probably for the best. This time last year was when I started my Body for Life fitness challenge. She was at her dads. Having a great time, swimming and going to day camp, and I was concentrating on getting fit. Weightlifting, cardio, and eating healthy.

I know I can't quite do the intensity that I was at, but I can do a "new Deb" version of it. I am committed to getting better and stronger. It's not an option.

I can do this. It's a new chapter.

I'm giving you two assignments for today. First, commit to having a good day. Even if things start going wrong, just breathe and blow it off. Don't let the traffic get you down. Or crying babies. Or craptastic bosses. Just blow it off as best you can and think of something great in your life. Life could always be worse. It can always get worse. So have a "grateful" day.

Second, be thinking about something that you are scared to do. Then figure out how you are going to do it anyway. Be bold. Stop being afraid and go for it. I'm scared of what is ahead of me, but it's also exciting. I feel like I'm leaping off a cliff, but sometimes you just have to jump anyway. Otherwise, you just live in fear - in the "what ifs." What if this happens? This could happen? You have to change your mindset and just go for it sometimes.

It's a brand new day.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my friend Cami. I knew her when I was in like seventh grade. I don't know why, but I never forgot her birthday, 25 years later. She just recently came back in my life, and I think that is so cool. So I hope you have an awesome birthday, Cami.

P.S.S. Now that I will be home more often, I will revive the Debu_team President's Challenge soon. I hope you all are up for it. So today, get to moving!

3am

Weird new sleeping pattern. In bed asleep by like 9:30. Then I wake up at 2 or 3am and I'm wide awake. This is fun.

Zoe is here, so I haven't been on my computer much. She is just so damn funny. For dinner she wanted a hot dog. With the bun on the side.

It was awesome to have 3 days off from the clinic. I still had to do the IV stuff, but it was nice to just be able to chill out here and do it. I actually went to see a movie on Friday, Prairie Home Companion. It was goofy, very Robert Altman-ish, and if you don't like PHC, you wouldn't really "get" it. But we had a great time anyway.

I'm feeling ok. Still really tired and low energy. Zoe and I play lots of cards. Besides, it's like nearly 100 degrees outside, so we can't go do much. All the indoor places will have a zillion kids - not a good place for the immune suppressed. I have to say, Zoe is a card shark. She's competitive and kicks my butt. She got a really good report card. I was super happy about that.

Zoe also loves to swim. She's able to do a little doggy paddle. But she spent over an hour saying, "Mommy, watch this," while she did headstands and cannonballs and asked me to count how long she was underwater. When it didn't seem like that long, she said, "count faster." She is a ball of energy, and really lives up to her name, which means full of life. I have missed her so much. She will be here all week and then next weekend flies to her dad's for six weeks. That is just way too long, but she really loves to go there.

I am watching a commercial with a salad on it. I swear I'm going to break down and eat one. They told me that I can't have anything fresh until I'm off the steroids. Which won't be anytime soon. I just want some lettuce. Anything. They look so dang good.

Ok. This is sad that even though I have my head down, I can recognize the commercials without even looking up. I think I'm watching way too much television.

It's nearly 4am. I guess I should really try to get back to sleep.

I can do this. I just need to turn off the tv.

I can't think of an assignment right now. I'll be back.

Too Much TV

Ok. I nearly watched it. *shudders*

101 Things That Have Been Removed From Bodies. on The Learning Channel.

Today is Day 100. 100 days from my transplant day. This is kind of a milestone. I still will be going in to the clinic, but this is kind of a big deal.

I also got my second clean biopsy back this week. Woo Hoo. I know my doctor keeps saying he expects no relapse, but it's always good to hear it out loud. The numbers.

Ok. I'm watching Windfall (kinda sucky). So I'm going to check out now.

I can do this. I have a three day weekend coming up (get to do my IV stuff at home and not at the hospital).

Your assignment for today is to call someone you haven't talked to in a while. I've been hanging out with my mom a lot lately and it's been cool just to sit and talk. So call a relative or a friend. Just to chat.

Chemo Brain

My real life is crashing in on my little vacation.

Paperwork. Upcoming decisions. More paperwork. Reality.

I don't feel ready just yet, but my break of nine months is over. I have to start thinking about some of this stuff. If the cancer doesn't kill you, the paperwork will. Just the amout of mail is unbelievable. My sister and mom handle most of it, but it's slowly creeping my way. They have done enough. I really would like my life back. I only wish I could handle my own stuff, but it feels overwhelming and impossible at this point. It would help if I didn't have all these appointments. That and still feeling pretty crappy every day.

[aside]
I'm starting to really resent my medications. But they are important. I feel like they take over my life though. I am down to 2 1/2 steroid pills a day, but some other med now is making me all puffy. No matter how much my feet are up. Who knows what the hell is doing it either.

I'm sitting in my bedroom, hooked up to two iv's, which will run for the next four hours. And all I want to do is chill and rest and catch up on my onlne stuff. And go to the gym later. Now that I'm lucid, I just want to work on getting stronger and doing what I'm supposed to do - rest, workout, eat right. I just want a week or two off. But reality is setting in.

It makes me feel like a hypocrite. For months I've been telling you all to celebrate life and live it, but then again, all I have been doing is the hospital gig. Other people have been taking care of the rest of my life. My current daily life truly is like the movie Groundhog Day. Wake up. Hospital. Home. Bed. Start over. It's nothing, but yet is still exhausting for some reason. The days go by so fast. I hate it that I spend so much time at the hospital.

But I have to say, I'd much rather be working in an office somewhere then going through all of this. I'm reading yet another "inspirational" story book. I like being boring. "Normal." Like I always say, I didn't need the cancer to make me enjoy my life. I'm the first one to wish that none of this happened. I'd rather be deluged by paperwork than have other people have to handle my life.

The one thing that cancer showed me is that no man is an island. I hate having everyone else take care of stuff. But the way the treatments are, you kind of have no choice. Then there was that little thing of three weeks of brain swelling. I feel like all I can think about is today.

I don't know. I feel really kind of like a dumbass. I feel like this should be easier. I see other patients do all kinds of things and I have a hard time just doing simple stuff it seems. I want to drive. I want to live with Zoe. I want to be able to walk and not have to think about it. I'm so disorganized. I feel like I have been just playing dumb. Like all of this would disappear if I closed my eyes.

I feel really frail. I hate being such a skeerdy weakling. I'm so afraid of going back to my old life and somehow not being able to do it. Or getting reallly sick. My version of "sick" and a "normal" person's version are very different now. And if I'm sick, then what do I do? Call mom to come back? It doesn't work like that.

I don't know what the point of this post is, but it was in my head. I just don't feel ready yet, but sometimes you have no choice.

I can do this. I just need to wake up a little bit.

Your assignment for today is to see if there is something that you are in denial about. Or are putting off. Some task or phone call or confrontation you need to have. And then you just need to handle it. Life doesn't disappear, even if you close your eyes. Life doesn't stop. Even for cancer. As well it shouldn't.

I'll shut up now. I fucking hate whinese.

For My Dad

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Amnesia

I watched Last Comic Standing last night.

"Why do men like women with raspy voices?"
"Maybe they are done yelling."

heh.

Yesterday was a full day at the hospital. Labs, chest x-ray, infusion, and a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration. It was um. totally freaking OUCHIE!!!! I took a painkiller before, but it still hurt pretty bad. That's the worst test they got. So I was all like... ow, ow, ow. And she's telling me to relax, and I was like, ok, I'm going to tell jokes instead. I'm such a weirdo - like I'm all addicted to finding these funny jokes. But I have to say, it did make it go faster. And we were laughing. So biopsy smiopsy. I'm going to have to get a joke book.

I hate that test. I get nervous about the results, but then I tell myself, well what the hell can you do about them. I'm in remission and my doc expects me to stay that way. So I'm not going to worry about it.

It is great to be home. Mom made pot roast and my Sis #3 sent banana bread with chocolate chips. She was right - totally addictive. We watched What Not to Wear and hung out. I have really enjoyed spending time with her. Mom is cool and funny.

[aside] I did see Supersize Me. I actually own the movie. The extras were great and it does make you never want to eat there. There are other fast food joints that we will eat once in a blue moon, but after I saw that, Zoe and I cut McD's out of our diet (except maybe to go to the playground to play). Besides, the food really isn't good. I was just sick of hospital food, and in need of some McGut. But man... it made my blood sugar over 400. FOUR hundred people. Can you say McDiabetes????

I have to go to the clinic again today. Now I'm back at seven days a week. But anything is better than being an inpatient and having to be stuck in the big house. Bad thing is that I Ihave to be there at 7:30am Sunday. Don't they know my hair is in the process of growing out and I need some beauty sleep?

I read Readers Digest yesterday at the clinic because I'm so tired of television. I read a story about a man who got viral encephalitis twenty years ago and now only remembers his wife. His memory lasts seven seconds and then he can't remember anything. Lots of people die from this. He basically came home with a bad headache and then later got a high fever. He had seizures. His brain swelled so much he turned much of it into mush. He cooked his brain. It scared me to read that. But at least I did not have seizures. At least they caught it in time. And I'm home. I did it.

I have to say I'm super OCD now. They tell you when you have your BM transplant that you can catch stuff easily and you are on so many anti virals, but now I'm kind of paranoid. I think I'm going to say a daily prayer first thing every morning that that's not the day I catch some germ.

I am not going to get to see Zoe this weekend because of the clinic appointments. But she did leave me a voicemail that was soooo cute. At the end she was like... "I love you, Mommy." I miss her so much, but Sis #2 has been keeping me updated with what's going on. I got to hear her little school concert over the phone, and she's sent me some pictures. "Look Mommy, no training wheels." She is going to go to her dad's soon in New York for like six weeks. Hopefully I will be much stronger when she gets back. I'm happy for her because she goes to day camp there and gets to swim all the time. But man, am I ever going to miss her!!!

Ok. Time for breakfast. It's great to be back.

I can do this. My hair is growing back (It looks like baby chick feathers) the same color as it was before - hooray for brunettes (cos I make an awful blonde)

Your assignment for today is to pick a sport or activity you have never done before. Before I got sick, I bought a cheap belly dancing DVD. It was soooooo dorky, but Zoe and I did it together. She thought it was funny. If you don't know how to swim, be brave and sign up for lessons. My Bro #2 and sis in law met at a dance class. They did the most amazing dance at their wedding. Take a spinning class (those are HARD but kickass). Or do yoga (I love it). A hard workout is pilates and really will tone up your muscles. I am so proud of Sis #1 because she rehired her personal trainer to learn different workouts. It's important to mix it up a bit so you don't get bored.

I know I just got out, and have been taking it a bit easy, but I can't wait to work out again. I know that some of you all fessed up to falling off the wagon, but that doesn't mean anything. Just get back on. It's not like your workout life is dead. It's a lifelong endeavor, and should be like breathing - not even a second thought.

Today is going to be a good day. I hope you all have one!

Please Don't Let Me Forget

Sobbing. Phone with a friend. Hallucinating. 2am.

"Please don't let me forget. Please don't let me forget." I sobbed on the phone as I clutched my rosary. What it is I'm asking him to help me remember, I don't know, but I was just sobbing to him to promise to "help me not forget." I cried over and over. It was sad. I have never been that frightened or freaked out before. I honestly didn't think I would be seeing the light of the next day.

At this point, I think I'm going to die. I really do. I know I'm in the hospital, but that's about all I do know. I had just peed all over myself after calling for the nurses, and then I slipped and fell and twisted my knee. (TMI moment, but still, You see it sucks because they put a bed alarm on your bed, so you can't get out easily and you also have to pee all the time because they are giving you so many fluids - so going to the bathroom is kind of an ordeal.)

Encephalitis.

(Encephalitis literally means an inflammation of the brain, but it usually refers to brain inflammation caused by a virus. It's a rare disease that only occurs in approximately 0.5 per 100,000 individuals - most commonly in children, the elderly, and people with weakened immune systems (i.e., those with HIV/AIDS or cancer).

The main symptoms I was having was a fever, hallucinations, lack of appetite and wanting to sleep all the time. Mostly I knew I had that low grade fever for a week and it wasn't going away.

My mom forced me to go to the hospital. I don't remember going. I don't remember checking in.

Today was my first day out. I had a clinic appointment. It was so nice to see them all. I've been gone since May 16th. My favorite nurse didn't know I had been in "the big house." The other nurse thought I got to go to see Oprah and was still in Chicago. It just was great to be at the clinic and not in the hospital.

It was good to remember my name.

Um. Did I tell you I really thought I was going to die?

It was great today to laugh. To go one day without sobbing. To talk on the phone and actually return calls instead of having to ignore the phone because I couldn't figure out how to make it work or was to embarrassed because most times I couldn't think, I couldn't remember things and would have to say "wait... wait... I know this."

A million questions.
Do you know where you are?
What is today's date?
Who is the president?
Can you spell a five letter word?
What do you do for a living?
Are you depressed
Do you know what is wrong with you.

Each time the doctor comes in with the "gang" they ask you questions. They exam you. Some of them read my blog to see who I was before I forgot who I was. I had a ton of tests done. (spinal tap - bad - very painful)

The scariest for me was the hallucinations. Really horrible things. The nurses were talking about someone who had relapsed. I swore it was me and started crying and freaking out. Unfortunately I was right outside the nurses station and on occasion they would talk about other patients. When you are hallucinating, it's all about you and your paranoia. After all, you are going to die.

I did learn many things:

There is no end to the depth of a mother's love. Especially if she is worried and right. My mom knew something was wrong. She knew it. And I was defiant and stubborn. But mom was right.

I. have. the. best. family. ever. My sisters, my brothers, mom dad, my awesome aunts, uncles and my kickbutt cousins.

Hallucinating "sounds" cool. But unless you are in the desert dropping peyote, um, it sucks donkey butt.

Never. Under any circumstances eat two big macs. Here is my solemn vow. I will NEVER eat any food from McDonalds again. Never. You all are no longer allowed McDonalds. Not even a salad. Bleech, I am McGurgling as I type this.

If you have a fever. For a week. And they keep telling you that they don't "consider" 99.0 a fever, get a second opinion. And then a third.

Hospital food, even good hospital food, sucks. It will drive you crazy. They should do a study.

Taco Cabana is the food of the gods. So are hard boiled eggs and chicken with rice soup.

I can't wait to cook something from the Rachel Ray 30 minute cookbook that I got from Dawn, the Crazy Cajun. I also know that the card she made, well girl, you are in the wrong profession, as that was the cutest thing.

I am a full addict of The Price is Right now. I also actually watched most of an Astros game (they won). I have seen every commercial and can now tell you how many different types osteoperosis medications, hotels, diet plan, phone plans, and can sing most jingles even though my brain was swollen.

Friends is funny. But not all that much. Everybody loves Raymond iis much better.

I have tremors in one and sometimes both of my hands from one of my meds. It is the freakiest thing.

Dawson did a lot of kissing. Katie Holmes, while a beautiful girl, really isn't that attractive when you start looking at her. She's kind of homely.

My sisters are the trifecta of strength. After spending so much time with my mom, I know why.

Collin Quinn was really funny on Weekend Update.

I missed you all. (and yikes, there are sooo many comments). It is beyond good to be home.

I can do this. I've had a small setback, but I can do this.

Your assignment for today is to turn the television off. Maybe for a weekend. I have been gone for a few weeks, so if you fell off your bandwagon, jump back on. I am going to start rehab again, so we can pick up where we left off, mmmkay?

I missed you Toto. I'm ok now. I had angels. And I missed my late night laughs.