debutaunt.com

WWDebuD?

Soccer. All the way!

And don't forget your Jesus Bling Bling

When they say flames of hell, they really mean it, no? I was told that If I keep this up, apparently I am going to:

Virtual Tailgaiting... The next best thing

Sis # 1 writes this awesome Texans fan sportsblog for the Chronicle.

She asked me to invite you all to her "virtual tailgating party."

Deb,

You are cordially invited to come to my Virtual Tailgate. Everyone is invited—thems that can tailgate and thems who are unable to right now.

Here’s the link

I love training camp. When you are still undefeated, it gives you all sorts of hope for the upcoming year and possibilities. And if you are anything like me, you wish in the back of your mind that you could do more to help them win. You see the team trying hard to prepare, but you as a fan can't run sprints, or do drills or two-a-days, or I guess if you did, it wouldn't help much.

So what can the fan do to prepare for the upcoming season? Well friends, it is time to get ready to tailgate.

Tailgating can be a lot of fun, but I feel bad for those fans who are unable to join our Texans tailgates. Some of you can't come to games because of finances or life intervening or because you live out of town.

When I write things in the blog, I often think of the Texans fans who have left comments and are now in Iraq or other places out of town and are just looking for some morsel of Texans information somewhere. Well, I have some football-oriented posts coming up, but in the meantime, I would like to hold a virtual tailgate on FanBlog: Texans.

Because I can.

We are preparing for the season, right? So, to help our friends who cannot join us, especially for those fighting abroad away from friends and family, I would like all fans of the NFL to hold a virtual tailgate here. It's not quite the same as the party at Reliant, but you know, we have to get our practice in for the upcoming season.

So what I would like for you to do is leave a comment about what your favorite food item and beverage to have during tailgates. If you are a master chef, or even a minor chef, please feel free to leave your favorite recipe. If you have some cool tailgating set up, please describe it or maybe leave a link to a picture so that we can imagine we are there. If there is anything else that you believe would make our virtual tailgate complete, bring it on. (It's all in good taste, of course, because kids read this too.)

So help me get the party started!

So, your assignment for today is to head on over to Sis #1's party and leave a comment about your favorite food or beverage item for tailgaiting.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL???!!!!

What a Beautiful Way to Break My Heart

Anyone know that song?

Ok. Why is it that I am the only person on the face of the planet who has zero appetite, isn't eating, and still does not lose weight? Not even one pound. I'm even working out every day. The hell? Who hates me, dagnabit?

I also have a low grade fever. I've had chills, but never a fever at home. I've been checking it, but today at the clinic it was 99.7. Me no likey. They didn't seem concerned. I am going to will it away.

That was my last appointment with MD Anderson. I know I may have to go back for tests and such because I'm in a few studies, but it will be a while. I still have some paperwork to finish and a prescription to pick up before I move, but I'm pretty much done. I said goodbye to my sweet ATC nurses. I wish I could say goodbye to all my favorite nurses, but I had so many on so many different floors. It was weird walking around knowing that it is soon to be behind me. I sure as hell hope that I never ever ever have to go back for treatment. I don't ever want to have cancer again. But, if I ever do, I'm going to fight it again like the hell bitch I am.

I have this weird stomach thing going on. It's been two weeks now. Basically I feel like a nauseated pregnant woman. I have zero appetite. All food smells bad to me. And it tastes worse. When I eat, I feel like I am going to hork. It's 6pm and I've eaten one thing of yogurt, half a banana, and half a bagel. I try to make myself eat, but it is all that I can do to keep from throwing up. I walked around with a barf tray all day.

They've given me some really expensive anti-nausea meds (Zofran is my friend at $3,700 a month), and another one today - ativan. They told me that as long as I wasn't throwing up or having the runs, I was ok, and there's not much else they can do. My blood sugar has been fine. And I have to make sure I don't get dehydrated. It is kind of freaking me out too. I mean, usually if I'm stressed, I eat. But even my favorite foods make me cringe.

On the good side, my new hospital in San Antonio finally accepted me. It's rather scary, but hopefully I won't have to go all that often. My first appointment is the 1st of August. Apparently my new doc is really good. I sure hope so.

I found out today that there was some financial aid that I was eligible for, but no one told us about it. That really bothers me because they are sorting out my medical bills and the out-of-pocket part is starting to grow. I have to wait a while to see what my current financial aid will cover, and hope they can write off the difference. I worry, but I can't worry about it. It's just kind of the insult to injury part of this stupid cancer equation.

Zoe comes home Saturday. I'm beyond excited to see her. But a little bummed that I feel so crappy. I got the ok to take a Tylenol PM tonight so I can get some sleep. I sure hope it works. I'm averaging about 4-5 hours a night and it's starting to really suck. Baby steps. I talked to her on the phone and I can hear it. She gets that way after a while of not seeing me and I can tell she really misses me too. She says more on the phone than the usual "Hi Mommy. Bye Mommy. Love you Mommy." I hear a sadness in her voice. Like she is tired. Soon. Soon.

She's going to be surprised that I have so much hair.

[aside]Jeez, my eyebrows look weird. And I'm staring to have some serious eye baggage. Sleep. Must sleep.

It's so soft. Like a baby chick. And is the same color as before and straight. It's only about 1/4 inch long, but with my big funky earrings, some makeup, and a cute outfit, I can kindasorta pull it off. It's too thin, so I'm still a bit self conscious, but I'm so happy to have it. Mom said that now that it is growing back, people won't know I'm sick. That's cool in a way, but now they will just think I'm a big weirdo for having such a bad haircut.

I lost another friend on my leukemia forum. He was only 18. It started off as a staph infection of his ankle, and progressed to open heart surgery and all his vital organs shutting down. In a matter of weeks. His mother was with him the entire time. She posted updates every day and it sounded hopeful. Then it was just one thing after another. That just kills me.

I hear about stuff like that all the time and it really scares the shit out of me. It's why I'm not really able to work anymore, be around crowds, and why I have to be super careful. I'm still sad about moving to San Antonio because my sisters are here. Our kids are super close, and I am going to miss them terribly. I know my parents will be there, and Zoe too, but all my friends are here. I'm already so lonely sometimes, I think that it will be unbearable in San Antonio. Especially since I can't really go out much when I get home. But I'm the debutaunt, so it will be ok. More baby steps.

I also had a few things that I thought were going to be in my future, but this past week some of them changed. I'm pretty damn sad. And don't really want to talk about it. It just is what it is, but I know I followed my heart and it was sweet, lovely and true.

Tonight is Project Runway. I'm looking forward to it.

I can do this. I have cable tv.

Your assignment for today is another oldie but a goodie. I bet you've been busy. Me too. But like Sis #1, you really do need to make some time to get active even when you are busy. To do something healthy for yourself. And I'm going to tell you that if you don't move your butt, you aren't allowed to eat like crap. No. Wait. You shouldn't eat like crap anyway. But especially if you've been sedentary.

I've been trying to stay motivated. I've been going to the gym all this week. But It gets so hard when you feel lousy and/or end up in the ER and hospital for days. So I want all of you to MOVE IT and then report back to me. If all of you can do it, so can I.

Funny. Years ago, we all used to say goodbye by saying "Peace in the Middle East." I could only wish that were true. Peace. To us all, ok?

You aren't deserving of him. And you never will be. So you *&*^%*^*#$, stop reading my blog already. You really are mean.

I'm Ok

Zoe is coming! Zoe is coming!

For you.

That is All

Pray.

Pray hard.

Ahoy Matey

I just thought this was cute.

That'll be Happy Birthday for $300, Alex

There is nothing nicer than waking up to birthday wishes. Especially from sweetness personified.

39 baby!

Yesterday a lovely friend took me to the circus for my birthday. It was so much fun. I had the BEST. TIME. EVER!! I don't know why, but I just love the circus. I'm a kid like that. I even walked up like eleventymillion stairs in Reliant. I pushed myself and it hurt, but felt great. Why? Because I was at the Greatest Show on Earth!!!

Today I woke up and mom left me a card on the dining room table. It was a funny card (she always picks out the best), but inside she wrote:

Deb,

We hope you have many more birthdays to celebrate.

God bless you, love,

Mom

It brought me to tears. Happy tears, though. There were a few times this past year that I really thought I wouldn't make it to another birthday. I know there are others that thought that too, since I scared the bejeebus out of them (and some of you).

This year the phrase 'many more' really makes me hold my breath a little. I want to have many more. I still have so much to do. I have so many loved ones and friends that I hold so dear. And my Zoe. Especially my Zoe. We have so many great adventures ahead of us. Me and Z. Z and me.

I hope and pray that this is a good year. It started off just lovely. Absolutely. Thank you!

P.S. Wish Alex Trebek a Happy 66th Birthday too.

Run, it's a Chupacabra!!

Sis #2 sent me these wacky pictures. She's her mother's daughter for sure.

Loverly

A face(s?) only a mother could love:

Be afraid. I think Zoe takes after Sis #2 (heh). See the resemblance?

Will the real Zoe, please stand up?

Countdown

Too much paperwork. So much to do.

We move on the 31st. Zoe needs to get a physical and then she has a test/interview type thing at the Catholic school I want her to attend. I sure hope she gets in.

I'm doing some housekeeping on my email and found this:

From: debu
To: Zoe's Kindergarten Teacher
Subject: Hi My Zoe!
Date: Oct 24, 2005 10:01 AM

Love,
Mommy

The monkey she gave me never really got a name. I got another one from some friends and gave it to her. She sleeps with it. We call them 'Mommy Monkey' and 'Zoe Monkey.' I remember when she gave me the stuffed animal. Sis #2 had just taken them all to the zoo. On the way back, they stopped by. I think I was having my first or second round of chemo.

Zoe hadn't seen me in weeks. I had to wear a mask and was all hooked up to a bunch of IVs. One with the radiation symbol on it. She was scared of me and didn't want to sit on my lap at first. But then she did. And all was well.

I have come so far. It feels like ages ago, but I know it hasn't been.

I can do this. Today is a great day.

Your assignment today is to think about yourself and write down what you like. I think I have nice eyes, strong legs and shoulders, and I like that I'm forgiving and loyal, well and dorky too. I like that. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we forget our strong points. So give yourself some credit today.

Sweeter than Splenda

Nothing like coming home to a freshly made bed and a sammich.

In The Big House

I had a wonderful week last week. Road trip to the Austin fundraiser was fun, and I got to just hang for a few days. But I stopped the steroids on Monday, and it seemed like I had about zero appetite. I figured it was nixing the steroids.

So I get back on Friday, and I start feeling really bad. Like way way bad. I had a horrible pain in my esophogus like the worst heartburn ever. I have the chills, but no fever. Mom thinks I should go to the ER, but I was hoping to get to bed and sleep it off. I take a painkiller and all my meds, but they do nothing. Doesn't even touch it. I tried to sleep for about 20 minutes and then I tell mom I need to go in.

We stop at a stoplight and then I feel it. Like a drunk in the night, I roll down the window, hang my head out, and totally hork up my dinner and all the meds.

I get to the ER and I'm practically hyperventilating at this point. The pain is intense and had spread to my stomach and my back. At this point I'm thinking that I'm having graft vs host and that because I stopped the steroids, it returned. It was so similar to when I had GVH in the hospital with my transplant.

They make me wait for an hour. I'm crying (wimpering really) and mom is rubbing my back. They take me back into triage and I finally get checked into a room. I throw up again. After about two hours, they give me a major dose of steroids, some stomach medicine and some delaudin (sp?). I drink the pink stuff and when they told me the IV painkiller was delaudin, I told them that it makes me throw up. 30 seconds after putting the delaudin in my line, I throw up again. Er.... duh!

And you all know how much I hate to barf. Because I truly truly do.

I end up staying in the ER for 25 hours. Why? Not because of the symptoms that originally brought me there, but because my blood sugar is ranging in the 400s. I had hardly eaten anything, but they gave me this huge dose of steroids and weren't giving me the right amounts of insulin. You know, because they know me better than me and my own doctor and pharmacist. *rolls eyes here*

At one point, my blood sugar is up to 500. I have the worst headache ever. So the ER doc finally decides to admit me. It's after midnight at this point and I'm completely frustrated. They hook me up to a heart monitor and an IV bag of insulin. Overnight my blood sugar drops over 300 points.

So that's where I'm at. It's after 12pm and I haven't even met with my doctor yet. I want to go home. This is totally ridiculous. I looked over my health insurance claims the other day, and one four day stay billed my insurance $137,526. I don't even want to know what the transplant and encephilitis stays cost. I just hope I don't cap my insurance. Ok. I'm not going to think about that.

At least Patty's fundraiser was a big success. She raised $920 and is now only $1700 away from meeting her goal. I got to meet her and she is the coolest chick. I'm so proud that she's doing this. It really is pretty amazing.

I hope I can go home today. I have so much to do. Six more days until my birthday. And Zoe gets home on the 29th. Her dad phoned yesterday and said that she did a front flip into the pool. That child wasn't nicknamed stunt baby for nothing. No fear that child. I adore her and miss her so much. I can't wait to see her. Soon.

Infinity humangous.

I can do this. It's minor compared to what I've gone through already.

Your assignment today is to make that doctor's appointment you've been avoiding. Mammogram, prostate exams, OBGYN, dentist, whatever. You need to care about your health as much as you would your own family's. I hate going to the doctor, but if I don't take care of myself, I won't ever be able to take care of Zoe. I just want to get healthy. I want to be strong. So suck it up and make that phone call.

Wait... Wait... I'm Thinkin....

If you know what that title means, then it means that I truly truly love you.

[aside]
Apparently when I was in the Big House with, you know, the enceph-of-the-ilitis, I kept saying that phrase over and over when someone would ask me a question. I couldn't tell time, or figure out how to use my cell phone, or remember the names of really common things. I'd hold up my hand and say "Wait. Wait. I know this. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I know this. Wait." It's funny now to hear stories of things I did and said in the hospital. At the time of my incarceration though, I really and truly did think I was going to die. So, apparently, did lots of other people. Not so funneh then.

[aside over]

Met with my bone marrow transplant doc, Dr. Q, today. He said I'm doing just swell and looked great. My numbers (it's all about the numbers) are egg-cellent. And that I would really like my new doc. Working on getting stuff transferred to the San Antonio hospital. I'm nervous, but I am sure it will all work out just fine.

I am officially off steroids too. It was a great great (two greats) day. Here's to praying I don't have any bad side effects. And hoping to get rid of the moon face sooner than later. It will be nice to make up a more normal debu_face.

We got to the hospital really early today, but gosh, every department was really busy. I had to wait 45 minutes for my labwork and two hours to see Dr. Q. Mom went with so she could watch them change my central line bandage. It's sort of complicated and we took the class last week. I could do it myself, but there is a part where you have to stick this clear plastic patch on and you can't really do that yourself. I'm hoping that I can do most of it on my own. No... actually I'm hoping to get my magnesium levels up .2 because then I can stop having to do them via infusion and can have my line removed. Then I can swim. Beach. Surf. Waterski. Did I mention swim? Because that is my all time favorite activity. Baby steps, Deb, baby steps.

[aside 2]
My parents are the greatest. Mom's nickname is the "White Tornado." She is so full of energy it's unreal. And she takes the best care of me. I am so lucky that she has been able to be here for this post transplant time. While I wish that I could be taking care of myself and working, I'm just so blessed to have my family's love and support. They are so awesome.

I know that this time was meant for me to get stronger and start the beginning of my new, different, debu_life. I think this is a time for me to really listen to my body and nurture it and get healthy. I've been doing some yoga (um... can you say inflexible?) and lifting weights and walking. It's also a time to be with Zoe. To reconnect after not living with her for months. I truly miss her so much. I never had the luxury of being able to stay at home with her, so now is the opportunity. She called yesterday and said that she is having "super fun." That's the only thing that keeps me from going bonkers without her.

[aside #2 over]

NE Way, while I was waiting this morning, I took a few pictures.

Not too bad for no makeup (and ten days away from turning 39). Although you can't tell that my eyelashes are super long. Three cheers for eyebrows. They took so long to grow back that I almost hate to pluck them. A bit thick still, but I'm beyond happy to have them. A regular eyebrow extravaganza. Woo!

Texas law folks. No get out of jail free card with the pharmacy.

I had some really expensive medications that I was no longer taking. So mom gave them to SIL #2 and she brought them to a clinic. I still have some of the neupogen shots that I'd like to donate. They cost $20,000 a month and I rarely need them because my counts are so good. So many people don't have insurance and can't afford these kinds of medications. I hope I can make another donation. It really could make the difference in someone's life.

I thanked a blood donor yesterday. I was in the store and she was wearing her donor shirt. I told her that I had received 14 transfusions and that people like her save people like me. She started crying and said thank you. I gave her a hug and thanked her again. I also got the clerk at the store to consider signing up for the bone marrow donor list. She said she had heard of it before, but wasn't sure how to sign up. I told her and she said she was going to sign up.

There was a little girl in our apartment complex. She looked to be about four. They were from Mexico. She was bald like me and always wore a little tiny mask. She pushed a baby carriage like the one that Zoe has, and she was always singing when I saw her.

The apartment complex manager told me that she was waiting to find a donor match for a bone marrow transplant. Apparently they were unable to find a match. So the family left. Basically to take her home to die. A four year old.

If you haven't considered registering, especially if you are a minority (which make up less than 5% of the list), please do so. If you want information on how to register, email me. I'll find the details for you.

I can do this. I'm feeling pretty strong. And it was a great great day.

Your assignment for today is to thank someone. I'm sure that my thank you to the donor really meant a lot to her. I'm sure it will make her not think twice about donating blood again. So. Try to think of someone that did something for you. Or someone that you really appreciate. And call them or send them a thank you note. It's better if they are totally not expecting it. Who knows? You might just make their day.

Now I'm off to give mom a big ol' hug. I thanked her yesterday for everything and made her a yummy crab salad for lunch.

P.S. I cannot, and will not, be manipulated, by the way.

So pfffffffttttttt on you! You truly do suck.

Debu Heads out to The Pub

Ok. Is it too much to ask?

I finally went out with the gang. But gosh, so many of them smoke it's disgusting.

I'm like, "I just got out of a cancer hospital. Can you NOT blow that nasty toxic sh*t directly in my face??"

I want to take them with me for one day to MD Anderson. I have seen major lung cancer cases there. People with their jaws or lips missing. Hauling around oxygen tanks. Talking with that machine that makes them sound like a robot. It's enough to make you never want to smoke.

I mean, how sexy is THIS.... Hubba Hubba:

It was good to see folks I hadn't seen since January. It was also fun to get out of the house and put on makeup. I was really self-conscious because I still have the moon face. I tapered off the heavy steroid, but they left me on the one that is specific to your lower intestine. I didn't realize that the side effects of that one also include the puffy face. I'm glad that I don't have worse side effects, or some kind of deformity or huge scar, but it's hard to see people that you haven't seen in a long time when you don't feel your best, you know?

Although I have to say that when my eyelashes grew back, they grew back thicker and longer. When I put on makeup, it really did look pretty.

I had a great time and met some new people. It would have been better if it were less smokey though.

I've been feeling pretty good. All kinds of puffy, but good. I'm missing Zoe like crazy, but every time I phone her she's having a blast. She comes home on the 29th and then *bam,* we are moving.

Zoe's school starts mid-August. I don't know if she will get in to the Catholic school, so I have been researching the other schools in the area. Apparently the school she is supposed to go to has good teachers, but the students are a "rough crowd." I'm not liking that. Doesn't matter though because apparently they have a cap on new students so she can't get in anyway.

I have been doing some shopping. So many of my clothes don't fit anymore. It's so hot here and I need just some basic casual clothes. I think today is going to be a great day. Mom made Kerbey Lane Gingerbread pancakes. Makes me miss Austin.

I can do this. I'm full of pancake.

Your assignment for today is to do something outside. I know most places it's hot as hades right now, but get some fresh air. Put on sunscreen, go swimming or to the park. We go out here, but usually in the morning or after dinner. Get a nice walk in or plant some flowers. I can't wait to get my line removed so I can go swimming or to the beach. So get some laps in for moi.

Happy Birthday Shrub

W is 60 today.

I can't help but laugh at this video.

It's been a slow few days for me. Just lots of paperwork and errands. I think I'm fighting some kind of cold or allergies or something. I wake up and my voice sounds like a dude. Sort of sexy in a Demi Moore way, but it's still not a good thing.

Did I tell you all how much I hate to move? Because I do. Expecially when everything is so uncertain. But I'm trying to view this as a brand new life full of new opportunities. I have so much to look forward to, the greatest being living full time with my daughter and her starting first grade.

Ok. Places to go today. I am missing someone very much. He knows who he is.

I can do this. My thigh muscles are getting stronger.

Today your assigment is to do something spontaneous. We all get so tied up in our routines, the daily grind, that we forget how to do something on the fly. Pretend to be a kid and do something fun for a change. The weekend is coming up, get to a zoo, a park, or an indoor playgym. Or go to a grown up gym and take a fun class or rock climb. Throw a dinner party or invite friends at the last minute to go see a movie. Mix it up a bit.

Calling All Texans

Patty, my brother's co-worker who is running the Dublin Marathon on my behalf for the Leukemia Society, is having a fundraiser in Austin on Wednesday, July 12th. Her goal is to raise $5800, and I'd love to help her reach it.

Yes, Debu is taking a roadtrip.

If you are interested in attending, send me an email at debsterc(at)earthlink.net. I can provide you with the details. I'd love to meet some of you.

I've been busy sorting. Old bills, clothes, boxes of stuff. I've also been working on getting all of my stuff transferred to my new hospital in San Antonio, and gathering things for Zoe's school registration.

She's having a blast in NY. Lots of swimming. Her dad's family is having their annual family reunion. I miss her, but I'm always glad when she's having fun.

I can do this. But dang I'm busy.

Your assignment for today is to do something charitable. Find a cause and donate at least $10. You won't miss it. But the $10 adds up. If you have zero money, then find a place and volunteer for a day. I saw that show Shalom in the Home and this family all volunteered together at a homeless shelter food kitchen. This falls into the "there's always someone worse off than you" category. And when you see this in person, it really makes you grateful for your lot in life. Make the effort. It might change your life.

"I want you to know that there is no way in the world that anyone on the face of the earth could love you any more than I do. I love you."