debutaunt.com

Bedhead

I'm really missing... my hair. I wake up and it is standing straight up like a bad hat. It's curly now because it's too short. I've just been going around wearing a baseball hat. I don't even want to look at it. I can't stand to look at it. I just let it grow and ignore it. Ignore it until I can no longer stand it and get some type of haircut that looks like a real hairstyle. I swore when I was bald and used to wear ballcaps that I would never wear them again. Well here I am. Ignoro-hairing. Ballcap wearing. I hate it.

Blah. Yeah, yeah. "Be grateful. Be glad you *have* hair. You're lucky that was the worst that happened to you. It will grow back nicer/curlier/straighter/better" Well, hell. I am grateful. But I'm allowed to MISS MY HAIR, AREN'T I? Do I have to be Ms. Shit Rainbows and Barf Unicorns all the time?

Can't I grieve for my hair once in a while? Do we all have to just be like.. "Oh thank you Jesus that I survived. I know I'm not dead, I should be so lucky to be bald/maimed/scarred/sick." Can't I just be pissed off sometimes that I lost my hair? That I went throught this?

Can't I grieve for the old Deb on occasion? I miss a lot of things from my old life. I miss my friends in Houston. I miss going out and not having my daughter think I'm going off somewhere to die. I miss my office. I miss work for like a nano-second. I miss having boyfriends. I miss going to supper club and bunko parties. I miss not having to swallow an entire pharmacy every day. I miss not thinking about cancer at least one time a day. I miss not hearing about so many people I know, or know of, dying from cancer. I miss not having a cell phone with numbers of dead people in it. Or seeing emails from dead people. I can't even bring myself to erase them.

Grow. Grow. Grow.

I dream of this. I know it's growing, but I miss this. I want to be allowed to simply miss my hair. After all, it was pretty. I had pretty hair.

Ug. Yes. I'm grateful. But do I have to feel bad for just wanting to look like a normal girl for a change?

I can do this. I have hair. I am a living chia pet.

No assignment.

Safe Journey Uncle Roy

Uncle Roy died this afternoon. I hate cancer. I don't know much about the end of his life, but I hope he wasn't in any pain. I know he was afraid though. I loved his sweet smiling face. His wife, my Aunt Gladys, is so beautiful. I don't think I ever saw a bad picture of either one of them.

I'm sorry they are so far from me. I miss my family and wish they all lived in Texas.

I can do this. I carry the hope of many people.

Your assignment today is to say some prayers and send good vibes to my Aunt Gladys and the rest of my mom's family. They are such good people.

I'll miss you Uncle Roy.

Life Can Continue

Zoe found the remote. It was under the bed. And yes. I did look there. She's like a freaking bloodhound that one.

We have our first soccer game Sunday. I'm so happy. Zoe's got way too much energy for one house.

It's been a busy couple of weeks; between planning Zoe's birthday party and fundraising stuff, it's been a little hectic around these parts. I haven't been able to write properly all week.

I cleaned up my dad's office for him today. I'm getting it all organized and you can see his desk for the first time in years. It's the least I can do for him. He does so much for everyone else. He really does have some cool software and programs. I bet I could easily run a million dollar company out of that office.

I can do this. I'm covered in dust, but full of the energy of a village.

Your assignment today is to clean something up. Once you get started, you feel like a tornado.

How Can I live?

We have lost the remote to the DVD player. Makes watching dvds a pain the tookus because you can't skip where you want to go or pick out a particular episode. Or do anything fun.

Now, you say, Debu, don't be so damn lazy. Have Zoe get up and do that for you.

Well I would, but those buttons aren't on the DVD player anywhere. Play. Open. Off. And skip (which means you still have to always restart and then skip). But there aren't any other buttons on the player anywhere. UG! It was here when I went to Houston last time.

I know there's a universal remote somewhere. Guess that means I need to clean up my room.

Peace Peace

My Uncle Roy is probably going to die soon. He is in the hospice and no longer eating or drinking. I wish I could have gone to visit him while he was still lucid. He has the brightest smile. There is a picture of he and my Aunt Gladys on our refridgerator. All you can notice is how lovely and easy his smile is. Aunt Gladys is a peach. She always remembers birthdays and sent me the tickle bear.

My mom knows he is dying, but she seemed very sad tonight. She usually copes pretty well with death, as she goes to lots of funerals at our parish. But this seems to be a little harder than normal. It's so hard to know someone is dying. She said it is like a death watch. It's agonizing. Truly.

Fuck cancer. You make my heart hurt.

I can do this. I'm angry \and will fight for a cure until my last breath. Since Claire seems to think I'll be raising $5 million, I think people need to donate again. And if you have mailing email lists and feel the need to forward them to this site, or directly to the other fund.

Why I do what I do

For those of you in that area:

Brenda Donato's friends and family invite the public to an April 5 benefit to raise funds for her medical bills and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. The event, which includes a silent auction, raffle and poker tournament, starts at 6 p.m. at the Nines restaurant, 100 Summerset Drive, Brentwood. For more information, call Heather McCullough at 925-765-3916. To send a donation, make checks payable to Brenda Donato and mail it to the Brenda Donato Foundation, 21001 San Ramon Valley Blvd., Suite A4, P.O. Box 177, San Ramon, CA 94583.

This. This is a strong strong woman. Grab your kleenex because you will need them.

And a shoutout to Nurse CoolVicky!! I wish I could send my friend Pam C your way. She's hurtin and in the big house. Needing lots of blood and stuff. I expect to see you all in a Team Debutaunt shirt in October, ok?

I can do this. Brenda D is my hero.

Your assignment today is to send some love out. Raise your karma. Do some good things. Do something nice for someone else. Give to charity. Actually volunteer because you want to, not because you think it will look good on your resume. Smile more. Let someone in traffic go in front of you. Make a point of being friendly to people you know have kind of craptastic jobs.

I once told a pharmacudical rep thank you. Because drugs saved my life, and continue to keep me alive. She actually teared up and said that in her 10+ years of working in that field, not one patient had ever said that.

I wish you all could experience life as I do just for one day.

Wow. Just Wow.

Just this week we have raised about $1400 for our teams. Zoe is watching cartoons, but I can't wait to tell her that she is now over $300 - thanks to some awesome readers and donors (I love you, my beautiful cousins!!!). We are so blessed to have you.

I met with the LLS folks yesterday (and yes they are supremely awesome) and talked over some of the ideas we had. We aren't sure if it will be an "official" national team this year or not - as it depends on a certain amount that we'd have to raise (e.g. $100,000). The magical Clarissa is checking on it for me and we will figure out how to set up the teams to ensure that we get the credit for all the donations. After all, how can I track that million that I'm going to raise?

I really am pretty psyched about Team Zoe and want kids fron all over to walk in the Light the Night walks. I purchased teamzoe.net yesterday, but need to get a designer and a blog host to work on it for me? Any of you out there know someone who might know someone? I'm sure I can find a sponsor to pay for it, if someone can figure out the design/hosting details.

I just didn't want kids to be coming to the Debu_site as there are way too many f*bombs dropped around here most of the time. So Team Zoe will have it's own site. With lots of links to details about leukemia, different websites, and in general, kiddy-poo stuff.

Sis #2 and I also decided to go with Team Debuma too. To remind ourselves that we can do this. That we can kick some cancer ass. And eventually I want to meet the lovely Ms. Thurman like I was supposed to last year. One day. I'm sure it will happen one day.

So we are working on a bunch of stuff. Graphics for t-shirts. Sayings, etc. I want people te be able to purchase items on demand with the profits going to the LLS thru Team Debutaunt. Long term, I want my friend Brenda D to be the living version of Susan B. Koman - except for blood cancers. With the Light the Night and Team in Training events run for the many strong people that either kicked cancers ass or died trying. I want people to hear us and finally find a cure for this devastating illness.

Brenda's spirits seem to be up. She's still having a hard time and Lord, I saw a picture of the most. swollen. foot. ever - from Gleevac... ouch ouch ouch. But the girl, well she's got some spunk. Even though she had the most ginourmous foot, she had the prettiest painted toes in all the land.

But you all heard me. You all are slowly spreading the word that it's time to put an end to this. It's time to fund research to find cures for this. To fix us. To find medicines that aren't worse than the disease.

I can do this. Zoe and I are going bowling tomorrow.

Your assignment for today is to do some infrastructure work. I've been wearing hats all week, and I'm overdue for an Arbonne order. (it really is good stuff) I think we are going to do some spa treatments around here today. Be good to yourself. Give yourself a facial or get your nails done. Work out at the gym and feel your body work the way it's supposed to. Meditate or do yoga. Eat something delicious and healthy. Do something nice just for you today. Warriors need a day off too.

Also, if you can think of something cool for our t-shirts, hats and other promotions, let me know. I have not had enough caffeine yet.

Team Zoe

Fundraising mode.

Presenting Team Zoe

We have decided to go national. I'm pulling out the big guns this year. In a little over 3 days we have already raised over $1,000 just by word of mouth. I'm so stoked. Thank you all so much for spreading the word and donating. Keep it coming.

And Zoe wanted her own kid team. So the kids can show that they can make a difference for a cure. (aka Kicking Cancer's "Bootie" Since 2005) I told her to pick her title. She says it is Head Kid in Charge. I'm Head Mommy in Charge and the Queen of the Universe.

I am going to meet with the fantastic folks at the local chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society soon to make sure I have the details done the right way.

If you are interested in participating in your city, or helping in any way, please send me an email. I will even let you pick your own titles. I think this is a fantastic project for children and to get the schools involved. Well for anyone really.

Team Debutaunt / Team Debuma / Team Zoe will be national, baby. Raising funds for a cure in honor of the lovely Brenda D.

I can do this. I have the power of the internets tonight.

Your assignment for today is to spread the word. Spread Brenda some b-love. Keep in touch.

Today. I want you to raise your voice today

Well tonight I had planned on writing my annual birthday blog. Since it's 1 am, I guess it is officially Zoe's 7th birthday. I will be writing that entry later because Zoe has earned one this year, but instead, I feel incredibly compelled to write about my friend Brenda. As she is one of you.

(a long one, but please make it to the end of this one. It's where all the important stuff is)

You see, Brenda is a long time lurker. Comments once in a while. Great sense of humor. College graduate. Fitness trainer. Beautiful 36 year old wife, mother of two gorgeous boys. Had AML and not one but two stem cell transplants after the first one relapsed. And she's totally close to my heart. A truly beloved soul.

See how pretty she is... Even with the shortie hairdo (with son in a TNT race)

When you have a transplant, it's sort of like you are in a secret society. Each cancer has its own lingo and only those who have gone there know what its like. I have no idea what it is like to lose a breast. But they may not know what it's like to need blood and cells to live. Others such as family and caretakers understand "the process," but no one else really gets the 'shoppin in the grocery store with diarrhea cramps from too much magnesium' feeling.

Is it mag or is it just typical nausea? Where's the can? How soon could I get home? Should I go here? No choice. Should I go? Or will it be too horrible to bear? Will I barf at the same time? What did I eat? Damnit! What things are easiest to throw up? Wait!! Why am I in a grocery store in the first place? I forgot the coupon for the organic yogurt. There are sooo many germs here. Didn't you watch that 60 Minutes on how there were more germs on a grocery cart handle than a urinal in a NYC bus station? I just want to go home to bed and watch another episode of Law and Order. Oprah take me away.

Other things like: Which meds relieve neuropathy best? Which lotions are too greasy and hot (yep, y'all know the one - that crap the doctors prescribe) How long did it take your hair to grow back? What are your white counts? How far out are you? Allo or Auto? Who was your donor? Do you have any blasts? How many friends of yours have died? Are you as afraid as I am?

We all talk in this secret code like spies. Dx, GVHD, platelets, meds, CLL, AML, ALL, -5, rounds, TBI, and the acronym list goes on. Yes it is easily researchable to understand the language. But it's not the same. Although while personally I have always thought it is much harder on your loved ones than it is on you, I really think we are like battered soldiers. In a war that no one wants to be in. And sadly in a war with battles more lost than won. Everyone has either been in or knows someone who has fought in this war. War sucks.

Cancer is an enemy that just when you think you are in the clear, you're dead. Or when you seem to figure out the rules, they change... Have leukemia and now in remission a few years, well guess what? Now you've got lymphomabreastskincolonmyelomabrainliverlungcancer. Every headache might be a tumor. Every virus fungus bacteria could be your death. Your OCD makes Monk look like a pansy. It doesn't feel normal to be afraid of dry eyes, fevers and rashes. No one else really cares that much unless they are in the midst of the war.

The side effects are the collateral damage of the war. The meds are the necessary evil. They save your life, but they are also the weapons of mass destruction. Your entire body feels like a science experiment. Everything is blamed on your meds. Especially if you are on steroids. From abnormal paps to high blood sugars to bluuuuuurrrreeeedddd vision, it's always the steroids. And they are super calm when they tell you that, but in the back of your mind you are reminded of x person who relapsed, or y person who relapsed or someone who got the dreaded secondary cancer. To me it's like all those talking heads on tv discussing the current Iraq war while our soldiers are getting their asses shot at.

And you think to yourself, did I do the right thing? Did I go through all of this just to live my life analyzing every part of my being forever? Am I just doomed to trade one deadly disease for another?

I know it goes away. My (s)hero is a transplant nurse at MD Anderson. She's 17 years out. I know there are others who go about and live their lives and we don't hear about them often. And I'm glad. I like to think about those people.

Some say to me, "oh, don't dwell on it so much." or "don't define yourself by your disease." "don't talk about it so much." I don't think it is dwelling if you are currently in the midst of it. If you have a daily reminder when you swallow nearly 40 pills a day. Or you ignore the headache you have because they finally figured out that it is just a side effect of the meds. Or when you see more friends die. Or get sick or sicker. You are still in the midst.

And I'm not defining myself by my disease. I no longer have one. The only things I define myself by are as Zoe's mother, a debu_family member, a Catholic, and a dorktastic writer. I have other attributes, but when I think of me, it's not something I think about as being who I truly am.

And why shouldn't I talk about it? Just today I stopped by a shop to get a soda and met the owner who said he will help me fundraise. If I can convince someone to donate blood, hey... I may have saved a life. Or if I have talked someone into signing up on the bone marrow registry, well then, maybe I saved your sister's life. I don't think of myself as some type of cancer crusader. I'm just passing on my blessings. Because I feel grateful to be here and would love to help someone else win the war. I would love to contribute to finding a cure. I would think it's sort of an obligation. I am indebted to all those who loved, supported and healed me. I owe it to them. To you. And to that one person that just might make it from your donation - whatever it may be.

Fuck cancer. No **'s to cover that curse word up. There's nothing good about it. I bet even the greatest oncologists in the world wish they were out of a job.

Tonight I talked to Brenda. She is one of the fewer than 5% that have graft vs host of her lungs. Her doctors have been trying all kinds of medication to bring it under control (so far nothing), but she basically is gasping for each breath. Her heart is racing and she can barely walk a step. Her two boys, ages 10 and 7, had a family meeting tonight to learn about death. Then Brenda's doctors discussed "end of life" arrangements with her and told her "two months" is too long to suffer like she is.

I'm sorry, but jiggafuckwhat?

Bren is my soul sister. She's an Uma girl if I ever met one. And she's fighting like pre-freak Mike Tyson. If anyone could be willed to just live, it would be her. I want her to live so much. We all do.

I cannot imagine the internal fight to want to live with the complete betrayal of your body to slowly kill you. We are talking about a chick who at one time had six pack abs and runs marathons and triathalons and stuff. Someone who is familiar with the inside of a gym and vibrantly full of life.

So today. Brenda. You can do this.

We are with you. And always will be. Holding your hand. Watching over you and praying for you. Comforting you. Don't be afraid. Be calm. Fight like Uma. Stealth. Be focused. Heal your lungs. Heal your spirit. I will be here for you.

I mean someone has to make you crack a smile over a diarrhea joke once in a while.

So today. Zoe's 7th birthday. Your assignment today is just damn deadly serious. You know how you all get those emails from friends or relatives or co-workers. Jokes or stories or send this or you will have bad luck or catch herpes or sneeze for five years. The crapmail. Well today I want you to make a difference. I want you to send a link to this post to your email lists. I want you to ask your friends to give.

And (damn I'm demanding) I want them (and you) to give money. Because Brenda is that 5% that no one in this entire world knows what to do with to save her life. And the only way they can find out is to research. And be heard. Loudly. Fuck Cancer. Stop taking our loved ones.

I don't care if you donate a dollar or ten million. You all have been generous more than I ever imagined before. Seriously, those one dollars add up super fast. (click other and type in 1.00)

But just for today I want Brenda to hear us. I want the whole world to hear us.

I love you B. We can do this.

To link to this entry, here is the information:

http://www.debutaunt.com/archives/001123.php#001123

Lovely

Ok. So I'm eternally grateful to have hair. But I'm in the yuck grow-out stage right now. And when I wake up, well the results are dreadful.

Poofy is an understatement.

Exhibit A (early am - not on purpose)

Compare to:

"Zoe, how do you like my hair this morning?"

"You look like Sophie."

"Who is Sophie?"

"You know. Our neighbor's old dog."

Great.

Hybernating

I'm home. Safely home. And have been sleeping like a big ol' bear.

It was great to spend a few days with Sis #1 and her kiddos before they headed back. We took them all to the gym with the indoor pool and it was great. I swear my nephew ran up the two story waterslide over 20 times.

No more morning headaches, which is awesome. I still have the full time day headache, but I can handle those. I think a really good hour long or more massage would fix that. Even so, it's so worth it, just to not have the daily agony that was waking up.

And, of course, the eye dialation thing is back. I knew if I got some uninterrupted sleep I'd be all set.

I've slept most of the afternoon today. I ate a bowl of cereal. Some medication is making me have no appetite. Which is fine with me. I hope that I can lift the fog because the gym is calling my name. I love being around my sisters because they inspire me to get fit. They are so much thinner than I am, but built differently. But I know that if I keep at it and live the life I know I can, I will one day look like them.

Anyway, I'm keeping this short. Zoe and I have some catching up to do. I've missed her gigantically.

I can do this. The agony that was my morning headaches is gone.

Your assignment today is to give Sis #2 some props and encouragement. She is sooooo pretty and had decided to start on weight watchers. I hadn't seen her in a while and thought she looked amazing this last visit. So keep it up Sis #2. You can do it!!! If you've done WW before, leave her some great tips, mmmkay??

P.S. Hi to Nurse Vicky and Ashley. They tag teamed me while I was there and this was the visit where I had the best inpatient nurses. Vicky is sooooo dang funny. I miss you, but am glad to be gone! *smooches*

Ah... Bliss

Thanks to these

I woke up for the first time since November 2005 without a headache. I was pretty groggy because they gave me morphine last night, but the bad bad headache wasn't there. I now have the dull buzz again, but I took a nice shower, ate my breakfast, and went for a nice walk to the cafeteria to get a Sixbucks.

I also am getting some consults with the endocrinology team to get my diabetes meds set correctly. One day I bottomed out 3 times and then the next day they were high all day. They gave me a big dose of steroids to see if that helps any, but I bet my blood sugars will be huge today.

At 1:00 pm I will get a massage to see if that helps any.

Sounds like a spa, huh?

I miss Zoe fiercely. She's not been sleeping well. And I'm trying to organize her birthday party from afar.

Ok. Nearly time for the massage. I'll write more later.

Ok. It's later.

It was a 20 mnute massage, and it helped a little. I still have the headache, but she said that my neck and shoulders are really tight. My blood sugars actually went low a few times. I've been eating really healthy, but I'm sure getting tired of the same old salads. I've been eating the same meals over and over. I look forward to something different.

They said they will let me out tomorrow (most likely). I can't wait to see my family.

I can do this. I have new meds.

Your assignment today is to tell me about your favorite salad of all time (or favorite healthy dish). I have recreated this MDA dish at my house. Greek salad, easy to make:

Mixed greens
Feta cheese
Pitted Kalamata olives
Tomatoes
Green beans (I bought frozen, then stored in the fridge)
Drizzled with balsamic vinegar.
I'd add the red onion, but only if they aren't too strong.

Spill for me. I need some creativity here.

Perfection... Yes!

Conga Rats to Dawn, my homegirl over at the Clumsy Cajun.

Look at how cute her little man Gage is:

Grrrrrrr Rabbiter from the Big House

Not only is there no cause for my headaches, there are many causes for my headaches. At least there aren't any serious causes for my headaches. Which I'm entirely grateful for. I'm damn lucky.

I saw the sweetest little boy in opthamology this morning. He was bald, in a wheelchair, with a pinkie sized scar on his head. He was listening to his iPod and singing as children do; half in and half out of the lyrics. Then he'd get loud and smile and sing. He looked so joyful. His mother said he had surgery for a brain tumor, and was at the clinic to have his vision checked. "Mom, I'm ok. I can see just fine." What a beautiful boy. I hope he lives to be 90.

I'm not really sure when I will get out of the clink, but I'm just glad that they are trying to exhaust all the possibilities for this pain. I love the doctors and nurses here. Even though I'm not as sick as many of the patients surrounding me, they have all been so caring and kind.

Unlike the neuro opthamologist (NO) they haven't been treating me like I want to be here because it's fun or that I want attention. Trust me, I wouldn't have these tests (uh... six inch needle inserted into your spine), miss my daughter's spring break, sleep crappily in a crappy bed, not be able to workout or hangout with my friends and family, and have my insurance charged a fortune if I didn't worry about what is going on in my head.

I'm glad it's nothing, but it is frustrating not to know why I'm having the pain. And I take so many meds that it would be nearly impossible to find out which one would cause side effects. All the ones I take are medically necessary, so it's not like I could stop taking any one of them.

I haven't been having the weird eye dialation thing as much here, as they are dialated for a while when I wake up, but not as long as when I'm at home. I'm surmising that this is because I am not sleeping a full night's sleep and get woken up during the night for vitals, etc.

The NO was a bit testy with me this morning. I won't even write about how frustrating last week was trying to get in to see her, but lets just say that the third generation New Yorker came out in me. She seemed to act like.. see.. you were freaking out about your eyes and it's nothing. She says that the "migraines" are caused by the tacrolimus (the anti-rejection medication) I don't quite get that diagnosis as these don't feel like migraines. And I've been on tacro since February 2006 and the headaches were there from November 2005 (after my spinal taps). They've increased in intensity and the all day headaches are new, as is the dialation thing, and the extreme light sensitivity.

And the N.O. called for a psych consult because yeah, so I did freak out a little bit. I said I'd rather be dead than blind, but that's the truth. I'm not suicidal, by any means, but my eyes mean everything to me. I could handle losing a breast or a leg, or my hearing... anything but my eyes (or mental faculties I guess).

It's been so difficult for me to depend on others for nearly everything this past year, I cannot fathom what it would be like if I had to depend on someone else if I were blind. So I append my statement. If it would ever get to the point that I was having to face blindness, then yes... I sure would definitely need a psych consult. But the psych consult Dr. (thanks for that $400+ charge) said I didn't need a psych consult. She called me "delightful." Maybe she needs a psych consult. Heh... (no, she was adorable)

[aside] I'm sorry, but anyone who has gone through what I've dealt with in the past year would be a little well... pissy about things. When you are going along well in your recovery and then *poof* all of a sudden start having new side effects that start getting worse... well, you tend to kind of freak out. Or you hear words like "abnormal cells" or "anurysm" when discussing your eyes, well.... I think for all the cancer ass kicking I've done, I've been coping fairly well with all of this. I'm mending. I'm healing. And I'm dealing. I'm going to be fine. But just stop pissing me off. Mmmkay? [aside over]

I'm so glad Sis #1 loaned me her sunglasses. I wear those old man (sorry Dad) sunglasses that you wear after getting your eyes dialated at the docs. They don't fit right and hurt my nose. So when I walk around I wear the ones Sis loaned me. I can't see as well, but they are Gucci, so I look like a Rock Star. Well at least in my own mind I look like a rock star.

The morning headaches are like blinding and agonizing as if I were hit in the head with a baseball bat. And then after a while it simmers down to a low buzz pressure headache for the rest of the day. Swelling up behind my eyes and ears and in my temples.

I guess when you have all day headaches every day, you just get used to them. They don't understand how I can have every day headaches without taking anything for them, but one look at me on painkillers would answer that question. I'm a drooling fool. I'm worthless and I feel like I can't function. At least with the headaches, I can function somewhat. Coffee alieviates the morning agony, but nothing so far has gotten rid of the buzz headaches. Perhaps a massage. I have no idea.

Anyway, I am finishing up my breakfast and will soon be going on my walk. I wish I knew when I was getting sprung.

I can do this. Even if I'm running out of clean underwear.

Your assignment today is to take a few items out of your closet that you no longer wear. Try to do one or two every day. More if you are able. Then by the end of the week, donate them to a charity or to someone that needs them. Have a clothing swap party with your friends and then donate the leftovers.

Also, be a kid like that lovely boy this morning. Sing out loud. Sing badly. Don't care who hears you.

P.S. I said if you are ineligible to give blood, please convince someone who is able to do it for you. Moochas Grassyass.

P.S.S. Big shout out to Brenda D who is still kickin' it in San Fran. Keep on Uma'ing, will ya? Love you!

These Go to 11

The spinal tap was totally painless thanks to my wonderful Finnish neurologist. She is so patient and kind. The fluid was clear, which is a good sign. I feel pretty worthless today as I woke up with a horrible headache at 4am. They gave me morphine and then I slept for about two or three more hours. I was groggy for a long time after that. My head hurts like a dull buzz all day long. And I really need a massage.

They also are trying to work on my blood sugars. I started some other medication and it makes my sugars drop too low. I bottomed out about three times today. But I'm glad that they will be reducing my insulin. I am going to get off of it some day. I am very determined.

I went to get some Sixbucks this morning in the cafeteria and stumbled upon a blood drive in the lobby. I walked over to the people that were signing up and thanked them all. I told them a brief history of my treatment and the over 20 transfusions I have had, and I think I made some lifetime blood donors.

I also ran into Nico. A long time friend of mine from MD Anderson. I met him the first day he was diagnosed. It was a very difficult day, but I think talking to my sister and me made him feel a little better. I learned about a few friends who made it, and many more who didn't. But I was just thrilled to see him. To see that he's still alive.

He hasn't gone through his transplant as there have been delays, but I was glad for him to see me and see how good I look compared to how I was before. I pray for him. He said he's ready to die, but I want him to live. I want for him to have a new life like I was so lucky to have.

I'm not sure when I will be getting out of here. I miss Zoe so much. I really miss my family. I call the house and sometimes Zoe talks to me and sometimes she just wants to go play. I miss her hugs and her little funny smile. I'm sad to be missing her Spring Break because we had made so many plans to do things. But I need to figure out what is going on with these headaches because I can't function like this anymore.

I'm in a lot of pain, but I really am in good spirits, so it is ok. I want them to figure out how to make my head stop hurting without drugs. I want so much for them to figure out exactly what is going on instead of just speculation. It's very frustrating, but I'm ok.

I can do this. I'm at the best place ever. They are taking good care of me.

Your assignment for today is to donate blood if you can. If you are ineligible, then I want you to convince just one person (minimum) to go donate some blood. I look at all of these patients on this floor and I remember how hard it was and how tired I felt. Sad to say that there is always a blood shortage around here. Please do what you can to help out.

P.S. Thanks to my new friend Billy for dinner last night. Salmon, artichoke hearts, green beans, baked potato, broccoli and a big fat brownie (which I ate half of). It was awesome and the sweetest gesture. Girls, he's single and way cute.

I watched this again today. It was nice to see how far I have come and why I do what I do.

Create Your Own

This Will Be Our Year

I'm still here. I get a spinal tap tomorrow to rule out viruses, etc. I'm in good spirits, but they still can't figure out why I have 24/7 headaches. My eyes don't seem to dialate as much here but I think it's because I don't sleep all night and keep getting interrupted. When I sleep all night, they dialate like huge in the mornings.

I was so happy because I had my favorite nurse all day yesterday, Nurse Vicki. She is so funny and takes such great care of me. She's got such a good vibe to her ~ super cheerful. And she has the best Marti Gras hat. I also got to see all my lovey nurses in the ATC the other day. I love them all so much. I love all my nurses. They are great here. They make me feel so safe. Like someone really cares about me. And since I'm away from my family, that means so much to me. I'm so lucky. So blessed to have this place. I thank God I am able to be here.

I've been walking a lot. Not writing much. Listening to my music often. Thank you iTunes. No visitors because it's Spring Break, but that's ok because I'm just sitting here. I need to download some more music. I have a lot, but I have heard it all so many times.

I'm missing Zoe like crazy. She keeps asking when I will be home. I'm completely bummed to be missing her spring break. We were going to do all kinds of San Antonio touristy stuff. And work on her correspondence with all her new pen pals (thanks to those who have sent cards already. she loves them)

And I need to plan her birthday party. She's been talking about it for a long while. I'd love to take her bowling because that party was so much fun. And it's different.

Brenda D is back in the hospital. Prayers to her. Girl, do we all have to come kick your butt? I'm sending super Uma healing powers to you to kick it.

Ok. I'll write more later. I'm going walking.

Me at the Tavern for sh*tty drunk Karaoke. I didn't sing, but I flirted like a maniac. No one called me sir that night.

Here is the beach. Sis #2 sent it to me. And D1 is in Paris. Spring break. I will live vicariously through you.

I can do this. I'm a walking fool now.

Your assignment today is to think good vibes and pray for me. I don't like spinal taps, but they are what they are. I really want this to be nothing. Love you!

In the Clink

I'm in the Big House at MD Anderson. The weird eye issues. I think I'll be here until Tuesday, but I'm not sure.

I'm sure it's nothing, but my headaches are tremendous.

I'll post more later. I have too much to check up on.

Love you!
D

Zoe

It's almost that time again.

For those of you who have asked. Mwah!

I have been working on an entry, but am still in Houston and there is just so much to do. It will be posted soon.

Don't forget to email me if you want to send her a card or postcard. She just loves them.

*le sigh*

clean.

biopsy.

one year clean.

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

nataliedee.com

Damnit

Dearest Friends,

Today I want you to hug and kiss your loved ones. Set aside the stress and the business that is your life and love and love and love them up.

Today I turned on the webcam of my friend Brenda D. She's at UCSF with Graft vs. Host disease of the lungs. She's fighting. She's a fighter. She's going to beat this because I'm tired of those people I love dying.

Bren, I'm not going to let you go. Because I need you. I need to climb mountains and run races with me. I need to know about your life and your children for many years to come. I am selfish. I need to know your smiling face is out there somewhere. I need to know you will email me with your funny emails, your endless humor, and your loving support. I need you to be there when there are so few people that really understand what our lives are like. I'm selfish. You're my family and I need you to get better.

I am going to lend you the ass kicking powers of Uma. The lung capacity of Lance Armstrong. The humor of Chris Rock to get you through this. The hammer of Jim Adler (aka The Texas Hammer) to knock out anyone else that says "hang in there." And the strength of the strongest US Ass Kicking soldiers to get back to the business of being you. You have a whole long life ahead of you. Get to gettin' to it.

I pray for you. I pray for your body to heal. I pray like an insane woman. I pray for your doctors, nurses, pharmacists. For their knowledge, their magic, their power. I pray for your husband and his love. I pray for your friends, your two beautiful boys, and your family - with their gorgeous smiles. And I pray for your endurance, your perserverence. I *am* going to meet you someday.

So just snap out of it. C'mon Body O' Brenda.. Respond to this treatment. Use those healing powers. You've done it before. You're a badass. Use my prayers, please?

I love you, B. I really do. Heal. I know you can do this. As you have told me so many times. I know you can do this.

Be well. Be healed.

Much love. Much much love,
Debs

Dear God,

Please just back off this one for me. I'd really appreciate it right now. She has much more chocolate to eat in this lifetime.

Thankyakindly.

Love Always,
Debuma
aka The Debutaunt

Bless

Road trip to Houston this afternoon.

Monday brings biopsy results and a visit with my transplant doc, Dr. Q. I'm nervous. No lie.

Zoe's coming and we are going to a bowling birthday party with one of her oldest friends from daycare. I'm excited to be going to see them as it's been a really long time. We are also going to get to see Sis' #1 and #2.

I'm off to pack, so I have to bop.

I can do this. I'm going bowling with a bunch of 6 and 7 year olds.

Your assignment today is to send some lung power to my gorgeous friend Brenda D. She's in the hospital in Cali and is having graft vs. host of her lungs and only has about 20% lung capacity. She's one tough ass lady, but some positive vibes and prayers sent her way would be appreciated. If you know her, go to her myspace blog and leave her some b-love. If not, please leave a comment here with some Uma-style GVH ass kicking vibes.

Love you Brenda D. We are right here with you. Besos.