debutaunt.com

Be Strange But Don't Be a Stranger

Yesterday. I slept. all. day.

"Zoe, what do you want from New Orleans?"
"I don't know. Something nice."

I bought her a t-shirt and a bracelet.
"Mommy, did you have fun in New Zorleans?"

NOLa haiku style

very excited
no drama at the airport
checked in all our bags

I wore my mask there
no TB jerk on my plane
easy flight for me

ativan for deb
a little wine for Diane
trash mags for Sis1

cab to the hotel
room not ready so we ate
weather was gorgeous

ate some italian
walked around and shopped a bit
chilled out in the room

then ate at NOLA
Emeril's food is the bomb
a tasting menu

I drank some wine too
that was some amazing stuff
I met the wine guy

[aside] There was this dude at a table wearing what appeared to be jammie pants. He had on this wild shirt to go with them. We could not stop staring as we were trying to figure out just what in the hell he was thinking. When I was in the can, before we were going to leave, Sis #1 and Diane talked to someone at his table. I came out and he came over. Turns out they were chef pants and his shirt had wine bottles all over them. He was part of this foodie convention and actually does a wine show on the radio in NO. He was cool and funny and I wish we could have dined with HIM!

I would have married
the person that made my cake
it was just that good

too pooped to party
we saved that for Sunday
shopped in the market

ate those good beignets
me sans the powdered sugar
roll me in the dough

looked at market stuff
bought a bracelet for Zoe
I was missing her

we chilled in the room
dressed up to go to Emerils
watched a fun movie

Emerils, so fab
had some great fish and more wine
dessert with coffee

it was food heaven
then it was time for some fun
shakin' our asses

watching:

my fav - Kabrina
jumped off stage in stripper heels
"I want some muscles"

that queen rocked her ass
naked dancing on the bar
not us but cute boys

weren't there very long
but long enough to feel free
free for just one night

I had a great time. I want to go again. Sis #1 and Diane were awesome. Thanks also to debu_Dad for the extra cashamatoma and to the Momo G for watching the chirrins.

Zoe goes to NY on June 12th. I think I'm just going to travel a bit this summer and not really do too much of anything except maybe correspond and workout and eat healthy. I went to the docs yesterday and I have gained six pounds since the last visit. They told me they are sure it's the meds I'm on as three of them cause weight gain. I'm pretty sure it's lack of movement. I miss the gym. But I'll get there. I feel it.

So so news as the docs. I have to spend all day there tomorrow getting the dreaded immunoglobulin (IVIG). My levels are around 270 and they infuse you if they are below 400. Normal people have around 700 or so. So my nurse said that it is pretty important that I go. For more info on IVIg, see extended entry.

I hate IVIg. 1st hatred - horking; 2nd hatred - bone marrow biopsies; 3rd hatred - IVig. It gives me the shakes and I feel terrible. They drug me up to the max to give it to me. And it can potentially have some awful side effects. I hate the stuff, but they say that it is "liquid gold." (at 10k a pop, it should be). But they say that I need it because my immune system is so puny, I can catch damn near anything at any time. And since I want to be roadtripping a little, I guess I better take it. *sigh* It is what it is.

I can do this. I had fun in New Zorleans.

Your assignment today is to give blood. Find out when you last gave blood and do it again if you are eligible. And some people don't think they are eligible, but they are. Double check. Don't go on rumors or myths. And if you aren't able, find a few people who are. See if the church has a youth group that gets service awards. Volunteer at a blood drive. Blog about the need for blood. Donate to your local blood bank. It never seems important until it hits you where you live. And it's hit our family just a little too often.

I miss you internets. Life is good, but has been a little rough lately.

Yay! Not

Immunoglobulin
IVIg (Intravenous Infusion of Immunoglobulins)

IVIG is a solution of globulins containing antibodies normally present in adult human blood. Globulins are simple proteins that provide immunity against disease. A protein is made up of several amino acids, which are the microscopic building blocks that make up all cells. IVIG is used as a temporary treatment to elevate platelet counts. Administration every 10 to 21 days is usually required to maintain adequate platelet counts. Response to treatment is usually seen in 8 days.

Each batch of IVIg is made of human plasma derived from pools of 3,000 to 10,000 donors. Because this product is developed from pooled blood samples of many different donors, it is theoretically possible that viruses or bacteria could be transmitted in the product. Since 1985, however, all products are tested for HIV and hepatitis. Immune Globulin comes in sterile solution and is administered intravenously. It is made in different strengths and sizes.

Side Effects

In general, adverse reactions to IVIg therapy are usually minor and occur in no more than 10% of patients. Mild-to-moderate headache, which responds to nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, is common. Chills, chest discomfort may develop in the first hour of the infusion and usually respond to cessation of the infusion for 30 minutes and resumption of it at a slower rate. Fatigue, fever, or nausea may occur after infusion and may last as long as 24 hours.

Other side effects include, dizziness, leg cramps, muscle aches and pains and pain and tenderness at the injection site. Side effects that should be reported to a health care provider includes, difficulty breathing, shortness of breath, wheezing, chest pain or tightness, seizures or convulsions. A severe anaphylactic reaction may occur in patients who have a serious deficiency of IgA associated with anti-IgE or anti-IgG antibodies against IgA, which react with the IgA in the IGG preparation. The reaction is rare occurring in about 1 out of 1000 people.

Immune Globulin Intravenous (Human) products have been reported to be associated with renal dysfunction, acute renal failure, osmotic nephrosis and death. Patients should be instructed to immediately report symptoms of decreased urine output, sudden weight gain, fluid retention/edema, and/or shortness of breath (which may suggest kidney damage) to their physicians.

While these reports of renal dysfunction and acute renal failure have been associated with the use of many of the licensed IGIV products, those containing sucrose as a stabilizer accounted for a disproportionate share of the total number. Gamunex does not contain sucrose. Glycine, a natural amino acid, is used as a stablizer.

There have been reports of noncardiogenic pulmonary edema, rare reports of hemolytic anemia, and very rare reports of aseptic meningitis in patients administered with IGIV. Thrombotic events have been reported in association with IGIV. Patients at risk may include those with a history of atherosclerosis, multiple cardiovascular risk factors, advanced age, impaired cardiac output, and/or known or suspected hyperviscosity. As with all plasma-derived therapeutics, the potential to transmit infectious agents cannot be totally eliminated.

Gamunex is made from human plasma. Products made from human plasma may contain infectious agents, such as viruses, that can cause disease. The risk that such products will transmit an infectious agent has been reduced by screening plasma donors for prior exposure to certain viruses, by testing for the presence of certain current virus infections, and by inactivating and/or removing certain viruses. Despite these measures, such products can still potentially transmit disease. There is also the possibility that unknown infectious agents may be present in such products. Individuals who receive infusions of blood or plasma products may develop signs and/or symptoms of some viral infections, particularly hepatitis C.

I put the fun in funky

It's been so weird to me to not blog every day.

I've been volunteering with the Leukemia Society and then did the bone marrow drive at our church on Sunday. We signed up six people. And while I should be happy to sign up those six, I'm actually a little bit insulted about the apathy I encountered. There are nearly 5,000 people that go to our church. 5,000. People looked at me like I was a Hari Krishna when I was handing out flyers after church. They couldn't wait to get out of there. At my church in Houston, we used to have events in the gym after mass and people lingered and talked to one another. Not so much here.

I know part of it is fear of pain. (Thanks Grey's Anatomy - you buttholes, it's not as bad as you just showed it on tv) Part is misinformation (thanks stem cell research controversy). But part is just the way people are. Throw money at something, but don't roll up your sleeves and really get involved. And like I said, I understand.

It doesn't hit you unless it hits close to home. When you have someone diagnosed with a chronic illness, you look at people and think... well you can donate blood, why don't you? You freak out with anger because there is nothing you can do for that person except to surround them with support and help in anyway you can, e.g. giving blood or platelets.

I can't stand to hear that someone can donate blood, but doesn't. But I've been there. I never really was too sure if I could donate or not as I was on insulin before and my diabetes wasn't in great control for a long time. And the one time I signed up to donate, I didn't because I was so exhausted. I think the only reason I was so lucky about the blood karma was that both my parents donated gallons. And when I got sick, my siblings and their spouses had blood drives and they all donated blood.

So, I've been trying not to take it personally, but it does feel personal. These people have so much power to make a difference, and they have no idea.

I've been getting ready for my trip to New Orleans with my sister. We drive to Houston on Thursday and will fly out on Saturday. I'm really nervous about traveling as a patient, but when I'm with Sis #1, everything is just cool. She's made reservations at some cool places for dinner. I'm just looking forward to the weekend.

School is nearly over. And while I always miss Zoe so much when she is gone for the summer, I am looking forward to some free time. I'm planning on traveling to Austin an Houston. Just chilling out. Seeing friends and taking care of myself and my health. I've been watching a Biggest Loser marathon and it's made me want to get back to my gym. I'm ready now. And I always feel like that when I'm around my siblings.

Anyway, time to get the kiddo to bed soon. She's been awesome lately. Still raising money and talking about Team Zoe (although she hasn't gotten any money in about a month). We had Go Spurs Go day at school, so she got to have a free dress day. It was kind of fun.

I can do this. I'm going to be wearing Mardi Gras beads soon.

Your assignment today is to say Happy Birthday to my Aunt "Jucie" Joyce (Momo's sister) who will be 60 soon.

I love you internets. And Amanda, you are right. It never gets any easier. Thanks to those who have emailed me. We are all still missing Brenda. So many loved ones. Your loved ones are mine too.

I'm Losing My Sense of Me

Yesterday I volunteered at the local chapter of the Leukemia Society to make calls to ask for in-kind donations of food for the walkathon. I felt like an alien.

I was surrounded by adorable little girls who wore sweater sets, skirts, heels or suits. Corporate attire. I was in my yoga pants, my Livestrong tee, and my running shoes.

And the dreaded ball cap.

I feel so out of place there. As I do when I am with the school moms, the soccer moms, or just any group of women in general. My clothes fit me oddly. My hair is just still so Lyle Lovett-like, and I can't wear any kind of shoe other than one built for comfort and speed. Meerkat used to call my shoes "instant birth control."

There's just nothing sexy or girl-like about me. And while that's not the be-all and the end-all of life, well, I like to feel like a girl. I'm secretly a super girly-girl. If I could, I would dress like Elle in Legally Blonde. I love clothes. Cute ones. And fantastic shoes. And lovely, delicate fabrics. And accessories.

And I wondered to myself, how on earth am I going to go back to work someday? How am I going to fit in at the very places I want to and/or need to? I haven't worn a skirt in ages. I can't wear a ball cap (and other kinds of hats on me just look beyond dorky or are too hot) and there are no sneaks with a skirt. And heels or dress shoes, no matter how practical, just won't cut it.

Because every step is painful. Even in sneakers, it's uncomfortable; like walking on your feet when they are asleep. Tingly and achy. (it's called neuropathy and is caused by the chemo/radiation and maybe my diabetes)

Oh, it's not enough to be really awful. And the drugs I've taken for it have worse side effects than the neuropathy. After a while, I don't seem to notice it, but sometimes, at the very end of the day when I'm finally going to bed and putting my feet up, it hits me. Burning. Aching. And yet another reminder that I'm not me anymore.

I still miss my hair. I know I'm lucky to have what I have. But it still is annoying to me. Mom, always practical, says "oh, some people would kill to have the hair you have." Just like when I'd complain that my feet are too big or wide or that my legs weren't as pretty as my three sisters. She'd always say, "well at least they work." It was obviously true *rolls eyes,* but wasn't much comfort to a teenager, just as the hair comment doesn't quite cut it for me. It reminds me of when I was bald and people used to say, "well at least you have a nice shaped head." Uh. Thanks. Yay!

I know I should be grateful, but I'm sad about it. I don't accept this hair. I can't stand to look at it even when it is "fixed up." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say... oh, that looks sort of cute. But I'm tired of looking like a boy. Short hair is cute on a little pixie girl. It's cute when you cut it like that ON PURPOSE. And it wasn't so bad when it was shorter. But when you are an amazon like me, well I just look like I picked a really horrible hairdresser to cut my hair. And most people that never saw it pre-C don't think it is all that bad. So for now I ignore and neglect it. Wake up. Ball cap. Go. Go fUgly.

I've always been kind of out of place as I really am quite the amazon. Not skinny. Not quite obese. But I'm too big. And I need to work out again to firm it all up a bit. But even then I'm still a giant. I'm almost 5'10 and I wear a size 9 ring and size 11 - 11W shoes. My foot grew when I was pregnant with Zoe and it never went back to that size - and even then it was a size 10. I'm ginourmous.

Oh, I know, I should get all Oprah-like and be accepting of who I am. And for the most part, I guess I'm cool with it. But I like feeling like a woman. Not some kind of freak show. And that's how I feel now.

I don't feel like I'm depressed. More sad than depressed. I bet I'd feel better if I went back to the gym. And maybe if I actually got more than 10 minutes to get dressed to go somewhere it might feel different. But even then I still feel like a boy.

I don't know why I'm writing any of this. I should feel "greatful to be alive." I'm "lucky." I'm a "survivor, a fighter, a warrior." I "kicked cancer's ass." I have "done things others couldn't do." I'm "inspiring." But I just want to feel feminine for a change.

I'm tired of being a warrior. I'm tired of being the cancer girl. I just want to be a girl. And go on a date. And wear something that makes me look pretty instead of fierce or ready to go or comfortable.

I talked to my friend Richard who is in Baghdad. I adore him. He's been in the army nearly 19 years. Been in combat many times in different wars. Right now he has a really horrible job in Iraq doing patrols. They have seen some really ungodly things there. And he told me that when he gets out, he wants to come home and not ever think about that hellhole again. That he wants to do normal things. But none of my military friends think they can come back after Iraq and just do some day job. To work in an office and wear a suit. And pretend that everything is normal.

That's how I feel. I want to shed my skin and just be me again. And I know that is nearly impossible. I'm not Lance Armstrong. Cancer did not make me the person I am today. It did not make my life better. It has just changed the way I deal with life. It feels like a burden. I sometimes wish I could just run away from it. I want to feel free again. Just to be me. Zoe's mom. Aunt Debby. An employee. A writer, and one who does not always have to write about this damn disease. I want to be someone's girlfriend. Someone's favorite girl.

I'm tired of being a warrior. I just want to wear some clothes that don't make me feel like a freak. My high heels and pretty shoes are gathering dust on my shelf. I don't want "me" to start gathering dust too.

Maybe I'll just tie a big pink bow around my noggin' and say, see... I can wrap my disease up in a cute little bow and it will take away all the horror I have been through. All the terrible things I have seen. It will make me a cute little pink member of society so that I can wear heels and a cashmere sweater set and (oh yuck) pantyhose again. Maybe if they could make those little bows take away your memory, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, everything would feel better. Will feel normal. Will take this feeling of lonliness away. Will make me feel like a girl again.

I don't think any amount of pink or pink accessories or pink bows can do it.

I miss Brenda. She would know what to say right now.

I can do this. At least I ... have hair, have my bird-talker, am alive, have my brain (somewhat) intact, can walk, am here.

Your assignment for today is to do something nice for yourself. Fix your hair or do/get a manicure. Wear some new makeup. Eat something healthy. Buy some flowers. Write a love note. Read a book. Adopt my friend C's deal where she strives to do six things for herself every day. Usually she gets to at least three. Exercise. Meditate and use moisturizer. I'm going to make my six thing list today.

too tired to proof or edit. My apologies. Woke up and now I m going to get a little more sleep.

May 16 - LIVESTRONG!

Show your support. Wear yellow on May 16. And join the army. Strength in numbers.

A month ago today Brenda died. I think of her every day.

I'll write more later. I need sleep like crazy. I keep promising that. I miss writing. Soon. I'm busy. But I'll be writing more soon. Feeling sadder than usual today.

Happy Mother's Day

Better days have been happening. I am going to have a bone marrow drive on May 20th at my church. How cool is that??!!! The South Texas Blood and Tissue Center is helping me do it. They rock! Thanks to Yvonne for sacrificing a whole day for us on that.

And this Mother's Day Moment is brought to you via Email from Sis #2. And no. Not her story, but sounds like something that would happen to one of us.

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on
this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one
is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he
wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse
my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli.

He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

I love you internets. Thank you for the encouragement on the mission. Thank you for always spreading the word!

I can do this. I have a debu_team behind me. And thanks to Paige for making my day with that comment. Hi to Carla too. Met her as she and her husband were donating platelets here in SA. Hugs to Collins and Damien. You are in my thoughts. As is my pal Pam C - I'm sending you Uma thoughts today.

Your assignment today is to sign up for Team Zoe. If you have a walk anywhere near you, sign up to sponsor a Team Zoe in your city. Even if you don't fundraise, when we get t-shirts, buy one. Walk if you can. Zoe wants an army. And now I've even made business cards for her:

Zoe C
Head Kid in Charge
www.teamzoe.net
Kids Count Towards the Cure

If your wee one signs up, or if you sign up, Zoe said you could pick your own title and I will try to make all of you business cards if you want some :)

I love you internets.

Brenda, Nikki and Sarah, and my sweet Kadin, today is for you!

Meds. Well they just suck right now

It's been one of those days.

Skip it if you can't take pity rants.

Sometimes I wonder what exactly I think I'm doing. I am out there. And I feel like my pleas fall on deaf ears. I often wish I could just disappear for a while and not ask anyone to donate blood or not ask to raise money for my expenses, for my cause, for Team Zoe. Sometimes I want to leave cancer behind me.

I think, why am I working so much? Why do I feel so driven to do this? I should just be sitting on my ass, eating health food, getting my nails and toes done and working out at the gym like the rest of the soccer SUV moms. I wish I had an income that didn't make me check my bank account every day. For someone who isn't working, I feel like I'm working now.

Many days I just want to say let someone else do it. I'm done. I feel like sometimes I'm spinning my wheels and people are tired of the promoting the begging the cause. People are tired of me.

Stop talking about cancer. It's boring. You aren't your disease. I can't even convince some of my best friends to sign up ONLINE for God's sake to register FOR FREE on the national bone marrow registry. I don't know one person that I know in real life who has actually signed up because of me. Because they heard me. Yes, they all have good intentions, but has anyone actually done something? I know a few who are regular blood donors. D1 is the bomb. She used to drag people with her. Her support has no bounds. I never felt pity from her, because she was always a woman of action.

And sometimes I just want to say.. don't do this because you feel sorry for me or grateful that it wasn't YOU who got cancer, do it because it's the right thing to do. Because you are able. But you know what? I never have donated blood in my life (other than the 29309230 lab tests)

The ONE time I was supposed to donate blood I didn't. You know why? Because I had been working with the Katrina evacuees for a project at work and I was exhausted from two weeks of 16 hour days. I cancelled my appointment with the blood drive people that day because I just couldn't hang. Ironic huh? Had she done the blood test, they would have most likely caught my leukemia then. The donor registration was with MD Anderson at our offices downtown. I suck.

I don't know why it feels so urgent. I think it is because I still feel so fragile. So vunerable. I hear about so many people relapsing and dying that I wonder... Am I just here until that day? The day of a bad test result? The day I get the start of my fatal infection? The day my body rebels against the medicines designed to protect me?

I wonder just how long I can continue to swallow a pharmacy every day. I wonder how much longer I will want to.

I hear Lance Armstrong say that cancer made him the person he is today, and that he was grateful. And I think, did it do that for me? Or did it just clarify a purpose? And then sometimes I think... I didn't want this to clarify my purpose. I didn't need this. The uncertainty. The worry. And the cause. Did I really need to take on this burden? Is it a burden or a calling? Or should I be like the other cancer survivors who just go on and get back to their new normal. Work. Parenting. Priorities. One that isn't 24/7 cancer.

Lance is a gazillionaire. Yes he has to worry about relapse or secondary cancers like the rest of us, but I have this deadline date in my head - October 2008. The month my insurance cobra runs out. So by then I need to find a job with bennies. I do not want to go on medicadecarewhatever. I don't want to have more issues with meds than I already do when I get harrassed by my drug plan and bill collectors on my hospital bills. I hear the mess my folks deal with when helping people with their mediwhatever nightmares. Or to hear stories of other patients that deal with uninsured drugs, or second-class care.

I know I could find a job like *snap* if I wanted one. But do I want to get back on that track? Back on the stupid corporate hamster wheel track that I was on before. With no purpose? Dreading to go to work every day. Missing Zoe and having to send her to school sick because I have some fucking asshole that tells me I have to meet a deadline.

And yes, they sucked ass. I felt so guilty all the time. Guilt over missing work. Or guilt over tylenoling up my poor 4 year old so I could work. Their stay home wives took care of their sick children. My stay home husband was non-existant. I was a single mom who had no one else to take care of my child when she was ill.

This is why daycares are breeding grounds for illness. Sometimes there is NO option but to send your child in with a runny nose. I couldn't keep Zoe home everytime she sneezed. The week I got diagnosed I had 4 unpaid days already because I had used up all of my sick leave and vacation time with her bronchitis.

I got a bad performance appraisal from my office because I missed too much work and was "unreliable." But you know what... I WAS SICK. OR MY KID WAS SICK. OR WE WERE ON THE VERGE OF SICK. I felt so much stress and I swear sometimes I think it caused my body to just say FUCK YOU! We give up!

I literally went into my doctor the week of my diagnosis and said "I think my immune system is saying fuck you." Verbatim. They gave me some antibiotics, a piss and blood test and sent me on my merry way. That was Wednesday. Friday I had a killer headache, and Sis #2 drove me to the ER, I kissed my lovey Zoe goodbye, and my life was forever changed by a white count. Funny, my regular doc's office called me with this hesitant voice on Monday. "Uh, Miss Debu, we got your blood test results back and we need you to come back in to recheck them." I said, "Let me guess. I have an incredibly high white count? Well no worries. I'm currently in MD Anderson and I'm going to be starting chemo tomorrow."

So a fun thing to do when I first got diagnosed was to call my supervisor and say, "I have leukemia. i'm calling in cancer."

So I struggle with this time in my life. I enjoy fundraising and think it's very important to tell people how they can help. I feel such obligation as a survivor to try to help build a future for other cancer patients. And to eventually help rid the world of cancer patients.

But sometimes I just want to sit down and read a book. I have a whole bookshelf of wonderful books that are just collecting dust. It's like my old job. I would read all day about sediment and soil sampling. People would say, "oh, you have a degree in English, you must be so well read."

But no. i'm not. I have a degree in WRITING, not literature. I'm not well read at all. Because when you read about polybiphenals and mercury contamination, the last thing you want to read is War and Peace. I had to have brain junkfood aka People Magazine.

I can do this. Even if I'm too tired to finish this entry.

No asignment

Make it Happen

Ok. So I've been feverishlly publicizing the Thanks Mom Marrow Drive about the joint. I met yesterday with Yvonne, a lovely representative of my great South Texas Blood and Tissue Center. I am going to train to be one of their Patient Ambassadors. Which is totally cool because I try so hard already to spread the word, that it will be nice to have all of their resources at hand.

Yvonne is also a member of my parish, so we decided to do a quickie Marrow Donor Drive on Sunday, May 20th, so that we may get the registrations in time to beat the May 21st deadline. Thanks to our really cool Priest we have full support. He pretty much said if you can make it happen, do it!!! Yay!

Any of you San Antonio readers (of which I think there are only a few) are welcome to lend a hand. I have 2,000 bulletins to stuff on Friday, May 11th at 10am. Any publicity we can generate is awesome. Each person that we sign up could potentially be a life saved, and how cool would that be!

Zoe is a little on the mend. She's been extra spunky and sweet lately and is counting down the end of school. I think I'm going to take her someplace fun after school today.

Over Memorial Day, Sis #1 is treating me to a trip to New Orleans. She is a contest fiend and won this cool deal, so I get to go for an early birthday present. I haven't been on a plane in YEARS, but am super excited. No drinking for me, but I'll enjoy the time off.

In answer to Claire's question, which I was finally able to access, I'm not sure what's in store for Mother's Day. I think we are going to take our lovely Momo G out to brunch and some of my great siblings are coming in town. I'm fairly low key about this as it's more about my egg-cellent mom than it would be about me. She's the best mom a girl could have. We are so lucky.

BTW, if anyone can help me install a captcha on a Movable Type blog, I'd be ever so greatful. I'm not getting many comments lately, but am getting TONS of spamarama.

Anyway, it's almost Zoetime! I need to change into some mom close so I won't embarrass her when we go out. My hair is still growing, and even though I can style it, I'm not. I'm tired of looking at it. So ballcap it is.

I can do this. I'm a Ambassador. Although I'll still keep my title as Queen of the Universe.

Your assignment today is to tell me something cool about your mom. Even "bad" moms have done something cool from time to time. My mom's best skill is never panicking. I don't think I've ever seen her freak out in my life. Maybe when someone was about to barf, she did, but other than that, she usually just deals. I get my coping mechanism from her I think.

Thanks Mom Marrow Donor Drive - May 7 - 21

Sign up. It's free. And painless. And most likely no one will ever call you. But you can't win if you don't play. And you could be that only person's hope. For life. I bet their mom would thank you. Or make you a pie.

Don't be chicken. Or I'll make fun of you.

Starting May 7th the National Marrow Donor Program is typing people for free!

In an effort to help all patients in need, the National Marrow Donor Program kicks off its national Thanks Mom Marrow Donor Drive on Monday, May 7, with a goal of adding 20,000 new donors to the National Marrow Donor Program Registry in two weeks. Thanks Mom will run May 7-21 and sponsor free marrow donor drives online at marrow.org and in more than 350 cities nationwide.

Anyone between the ages of 18 and 60, in good health and willing to help any patient is eligible to join, free of charge, from May 7 - 21, at a donor drive in their city or by registering online.

It Should be quiet in here

I'm freaking a little. I'm in my room, and Zoe has parked a little spot next to my bed on this small mattress. She made it all cozy and calls it her "cubby." It does look rather cozy, and it's a way to be near me, but not in my bed.

But I'm listening to her and I know she is catching yet another cold. She's all snarfy. She sat up, got a tissue, blew her nose - all while sleeping. I even gave her stuff before bed, but it did nada. And at this point, I know she is contageous or past the point of contageous.

This cycle of getting sick, being sick, slowly recovering is wigging me out. I just want to get to the gym and stay as healthy as possible. But I feel like that task is IMpossible. I've gotten everything that comes in this house. And I don't know how to protect myself, but I'm kind of worn out from it.

I'm going to sleep tomorrow. I took my steroids too late today and I'm up and can't sleep.

What is that saying? Some days you feel like the bug. Some days you feel like the windshield.

How Much Do You Want to Suffer?

I want to meet Lance Armstrong.

I'm watching Living With Cancer with Ted Koppel and Lance. I want to BE him. I have his attitude. I never thought I'd say that cancer made me a better person, but it has in a way. It has clarified my life and my priorities. He says his life is about:

My kids
My purpose
My professional side
Myself

Some people say, get over it. It's in your past. But even if you are in remission, you never know if it will come back. Not even Lance knows that for sure.

When Lance was diagnosed, he never stopped planning for a future. For kids he wanted. For a wife. For a professional life. For life.

I feel that way. I sometimes wish I didn't need to rest. I wish I didn't need sleep. I feel like there is so much I want to do. So much I need to do. But I don't feel like I have the army of people that he does. I have support, but sometimes I feel like I'm taking on the world. I think I need a working vacation/retreat - to focus on things and be in solitude.

Team Zoe isn't moving as fast as I'd like. I feel like I've taken on so much and I don't know why I have such ambition and passion about it. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I often think, "am I going to be around to see it through?" I wonder if my cancer will come back. I wonder if in the back of my head that my strength is really a ruse, and that I'm fooling myself. I have this awful feeling sometimes that I am not cancer free. That I will get a secondary cancer or that I will relapse.

I find myself missing Brenda. I feel awfully alone sometimes. I met with a lovely blog reader, Collins and her daughter Damien. It was so very cool to meet up with someone that just got it. Brenda always did. Brenda spoke my language.

I'm done for today.

I can do this. I haven't met Uma or Lance yet, so I will stay on target.

Your assignment is to say hi. Or ask me some questions. Give me something to write about. I think I'm in a writing funk.

Zoe on the Go-ey

I spoke with Zoe's dad this morning about her trip to NY for the summer. He said he will get her around the 7th of June or so and return her around the 21st of July. She gets so excited to go up there. All her little NY girl friends are waiting for her as they have a day camp there and then she goes swimming. I get sad to miss her, but I love that she has such a good time.

And then, and then...

On July 22nd I will be FORTY!!!

How cool is that to have another birthday? I'm so lucky. I feel so so lucky.

So. I guess that means I will be in Houston for my 40th birthday. Good as time as any to have a huge celebration if you want to come on out. Just let me know and I will be sure to fill you in on the details. I would love to have some of my out of towners fly in for it (probably on Saturday, July 21st). I even have a sweet little hotel place or two.

Hmmm. I like to plan parties. Maybe I can even make it a fundraiser. Hey. That would be way cool. Ok. So it is written, so it is done.

I can do this. My little bird-talker and I are on a mission.

Your assignment today is to let me know if you think you could make it in. That would be so awesome to see you all as you've been so very special to me. Also, if you think of a big ass venue/restaurant, let a girl know.

I've been missing you, my internets. *Mwah* to Allison S. Your CD is divine. Zoe adores it and requested it last night to fall asleep to. I've also been missing my Shoshie and my sisters. I have much love today. I'm very motivated.