I'm a Sicko

Thank you Michael Moore for making me cry.

Missing Zoe. Missing her so much. And these next two days will be just agonizingly slow. She flies home Tuesday with her father's girlfriend. The the girlfriend hops right back on another plane and will hopefully get to fly home. Or catch a later flight. Hope not the later one because it's a 2 hour drive to their hometown from the airport. She's sweet to bring Zoester home to me.

I know I have to leave Houston soon and I don't want to go. My sisters are here. My friends are here. Zoe's little friends are here and her wonderful cousins. We love them so much; I swear they are like my own children. I adore them. I love my folks, but I don't really know anyone in San Antonio. And the ones I do know, don't really know me and think I'm some sort of cancer girl freak. I feel like a total freakshow there.

But mom and dad are in San Antonio. And they have a big house. And I feel safe with them. And they take care of me when I need it. Zoe's school is there too. I don't want to pull her into a new school again. I hope she does better in 2nd grade than she did in first. She was so restless and anxious.

I'm too confused about my life, but when I think about it, it makes me cry. For someone who isn't alone, I feel really lonely. I'm going to go bury my head in the sand a bit.

I can do this. But some days I feel like I can't.

Another no assignment day. Not really up for thinking much. I'm just going to go to bed. Hugs to my family.

No Zoe. No.

Zoe and her dad missed their flight.

Left a little late, traffic to NYC. Next flight was packed solid. I'm trying really hard not to be devastated but now he says he doesn't have enough money to change the flight - maybe back on Tuesday. Who knows. Just tell me when to pick her up.

I should have just flown up to NYC, stayed a night or two to see friends and take Zoe out a bit, then flown home.

I'm not saying any more. I'm just kind of sad is all. I miss my daughter.

I can do this. I'm just getting a little lonely.

No assignment today. I helped white tornado Sis #1's house today and I'm kind of beat.

Happy Birthday Me Bro

Your assignment today:

Wish my donor, Bro #1, a Happy Birthday today. He's 36!!

Happy Birthday, Dude! Make it your year!!!!!

Doc in My Box

Had a gazillion checkups today.

Boob smashin, box doc'in', blood drawin', transplant checkin'.

But I made it. Now I'm just hoping that all my tests are good. Blood worked looked good. But I do have a UTI. Yay. TMI TMI TMI

Will write more tomorrow.

Here is my favorite picture from my birthday. I am hating any and all face shots as I look like a balloon, but psssttt... check out all that HAIR!!

Insomnomaniac

I didn't sleep at all last night.

Was reading a little, then got tired. Tried to sleep, but realized.... hey, debu. You're feeling really pukey. So I tossed and turned and thought and didn't think and meditated and stretched and breathed deeply and prayed and waited and waited and waited until finally I got up. And stayed up. And stayed up more.

Tested my blood sugar. Ok, a little high. But I think I have a kidney infection, so there you go.

So I took some meds, but had to eat with them, had a banana and a little cereal. Then realized....hey debu. You're feeling really head-achy. So I tossed and turned and counted sheep and pigs and shoes and toes. And breathed and breathed more and meditated and prayed. And got up again.

So here I am. Knowing that my neice and nephew are well on their way out of slumber and will definitely be bum-rushing my room to ask, "Hey Aunt Debby, are you asleep??"

My body says yes, but my head does not.

I can do this. I'm off to attempt watching the inside of my eyelids.

Your assignment today is to do some dancing. I had a great, no a superb, birthday night. Even if you can't get out of the house, grab a kid, a spouse, a significant other, your pet, anyone and crank up some music today. Dance like no one is watching... but they secretly are... heh.

I miss my mom and dad.

and Brenda.

Birthday fancypants

I'm 40.

And I'm going to the circus tomorrow!

Haiku birthday:

Ate dinner with friends
Tacos and some birthday cake
I had yum migas

Sis #1 lead singing
Debu is forty today
Screamed to all people

It made me blush bad
I got money in my bra
For giving out cake

I have awesome peeps
My friends brought me Starbucks cards
Never pay again

Then we went dancing
Nearly forgot how to shake
But was reminded

Came home to email
Fiona you are the best
Even in Hong Kong

Have much birthday love
And even a birthday kiss
From a special friend

Although I did get
Way too big birthday spanking
The kiss made up for it

It was an incredible night. An incredible birthday. At my party in Austin last week, my siblings bought me a digital camera. *hi* Missymouse! I was a little bit overwhelmed after today. It's so good to be with my friends and just be sometimes.

I can do this. I'm FORTY now! I'm going to the circus. Zoe gets home in six more days! Life is good!

Your assignment today is to say hi. I'm glad to be here. I'm so glad to have another birthday. I just wish I didn't need sleep. I'm so grateful to all my friends, family and total strangers for their love and support this year. There is no way to repay you. So say hi. I'm way behind on thank you cards.

P.S. Don't pee in the Mercedes

Houston Bound

Packing again. Off to Houston.

I got a new camera from my siblings for my birthday. I can't wait to figure it out and take pictures. I was so stoked when I opened the present. I really just wanted Starbucks cards, but gosh... that was the coolest gift ever. I really needed one. I nearly cried, but didn't want to be a big baby.

Been just kind of sad lately. I think it's missing my squeezer Zoe. I can't wait to see her.

Ok. lots to pack and bring to my car.

I'm roadtrippin, baby!

I miss y'all. See some of you in Houston soon. If you don't have dinner plans on Sat night, email me. You all are invited! I wish you lived here Yoda Yiddish Master! I love y'all.

I still have that irrational fear of dying before I'm 40. I feel panicky. I have two days. It's totally irrational, but I have always felt that way. I can't die. I have too much to do still.

I'm giving a speech to the corporate kickoff for light the night in San Antonio. There will be 600 people there. I'm excited yet I feel like I'm going to barf.

Mouse or House?

Your Score: Dr. James Wilson

50% Eccentricity, 30% Confidence, 75% Kindness

Congratulations, you're Dr. James Wilson! You've got the tough role of being the conscience and best friend to Dr. Greg House, which proves that you must be secretly (or openly) insane. You're always a good person for providing advice, witty remarks, free lunches, lectures, and (wanted or unwanted) psychoanalysis. You are about as confident as the average person, but you have some big issues with yourself, and may have problems living up to the ideals you have in your head. You do really care about other people, though, even if you sometimes express that caring by trying to get into their pants.

Welcome Back Sis #2

Sis #2 is/will be back today I think from her Missionary trip to GUATAMALA!

I prayed a lot for you. I miss you bunches.

Zooooooooeeeeee. Dangit!!!

Old video. Zoe was soo busted. It was after our soccer game in the rain. She also sang one "I smell like a wet dog. I smell like a weeeet dog." But at the end of it, she did her fake opera voice and nearly made my ears bleed, so I will spare you that one.

1. No. That's pink lipgloss that looks clown red on her. She put it on herself.
2. So glad I send her to Catholic school. She promptly forgets the words to the songs they learn for mass.
3. I'm missing that little squeezer. Even if she slipped out a little curse.

Lil' drama queen. And the Oscar goes to.... she better dedicate it to me. After all, she is my mini-me. Cursing and all.

I can do this. I am almost 40 and I'm 70% mature.

For those of you who don't have sensitive ears to way bad cursing, this Youtube video just cracks me up.

IT IS NOT WORK SAFE OR CHILD SAFE. VULGAR LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
IT IS NOT WORK SAFE OR CHILD SAFE. VULGAR LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
IT IS NOT WORK SAFE OR CHILD SAFE. VULGAR LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.
IT IS NOT WORK SAFE OR CHILD SAFE. VULGAR LANGUAGE AND CONTENT.

But it's provocative and was produced for BET. Watch through the end.

Hope You're Doing Well. Haveaniceday

I'm feeling better.

Went to the ER Monday. I was pretty much in agony. Each time I get a headache that I think is the worst one I've ever had, I get one even worse than ever. Some day I swear my head will 'splode.

Catscan
Bloodwork
Lumbar Puncture
Exam

All pretty much came up with nada. Clean. No infections. I was glad to hear it. But frustrated because I felt so awful. I got a nice prescription for muscle relaxers and some megamotrin.

I just want my body back. Agony and pain one day and ok the next. The hell?

I'm sick of my meds. I felt like a freak in the ER showing them all of my meds. The doctor was like.. why are you on all of these.... still? Well, it all boils down to the graft vs. host in my stomach. If I skip my steroid, I feel sick and can't eat. So while I'm on steroids I have to be on immunosuppressants. And while I'm on those, I have to take a lot of "anti" drugs. Anti virals, anti fungals, anti pneumonia, anti anti drugs. And I take lots of vitamins - mega, calcium, vitamin D, magnesium, potassium. I have really expensive pee. Then I take a pill to protect my stomach from all the other pills. And some allergy stuff. And then there's that whole diabetes thing.

Basically I'm a walking pharmacy. Love em. Hate em.

But you know what? I'm still here! And almost 40!!

The docs couldn't believe I'm almost 40 because I don't look it. I'll try to have my sis take a good picture of me for my birthday. Maybe one where I don't have 2930439 chins and my hair kinda sorta looks cute for a change. It's very curly still when I wake up. If I don't really mess with it, I can make it kind of cute. It's very soft too. Not too many grays either. I think it will be pretty when it grows out more. GROW GROW GROW I say!

I can do this. I woke up today!

Your assignment today is to send someone a post card. Or a letter. Snail mail is fun. And it's nice to get something that isn't junk or a bill in the mail. Make someone's day with a little card. Or a quick helloooooo.

If you want to send me one, there's an address on this post. No bday presents allowed!!! (cept maybe starbucks cards to support my sixbucks crack habit) I will try to write back. I like to write letters and am long overdue on some of my correspondence, but I'll try.

I miss my Zoe, but I know she is having a super duper blast in NY. She now gets back on July 28th in Houston instead of Austin. I might have to have a belated bday party then. I can't wait to see her. I miss her snuggly little self.

High There

Have you ever been in so much pain it work you up?

I have. Often. And especially this morning.

Why is it when this happens to me I am not in Houston so I can go see my peoples at MD Anderson? I dread even finding out the cause because it means another gazillion tests and waiting and feeling like a big hypochondriac only to find out it's one of your meds. Every headache is a brain tumor. Or just that you slept funny on a bad pillow.

So now I'm going to go get some yogurt because I just took a Darvon (which I almost never do anymore.. it's been a long time since I took pain meds) and am getting so high but want to go back to sleep to see if this pain will subside so I can live today.

Since I'm high, I'm going to blather.

I'm feeling very homeless lately. You know that feeling you get when you go on vacation and you have a really fantastic time and then you come home and are like, "ahhhhhh..... I'm home. My own bed. My own sheets. The sounds and smell of your own house.

Well I don't have that anymore. it's a series of packing and unpacking. Trying to make things fit in a space that isn't yours. Trying to be a good house guest and not annoy people or have them burr at the clutter that is now part of their home. The invader of their space. I want my things back. I want a closet that is mine that is big and where all of my clothes fit. I hate it when I'm wanting to go somewhere and I think, "Dang. I wish I had that bracelet, but it's in San Antonio or a shirt that is packed in storage." I already feel like I bring my world with me, but I'm a girl. We like to have JUST the right pair of shoes at the right time. But gosh, I sure hate hauling all this stuff around.

[aside]
Don't get me wrong. I am having a wicked fun time and absolutely love seeing my family. Even if we weren't related, I would want to be friends with them because they are so cool and fun. I'm lucky that all of us live in Texas so it's basically a tank of gas or two to get me to them. And they don't *make* me feel like I'm overstaying my welcome. They actually go way out of their way to let me know that they are glad I'm here. And by here, I think it has a double meaning of ... "Shit, Deb, we are just so damn glad you didn't die." Besides, I try really extra hard to be not just a good houseguest, but one that has some value added - like doing some cleaning or babysitting. It's honestly the least I can do for the people that helped me kick cancer's ass.

Someone play the lottery for me because I can't seem to remember what it is like to have my own space and my belongings. I feel like I will never have that again. I applied for a credit card at a clothing store the other day so I could get a discount on my purchase. Sis #1 said that was bad because it lowers your credit score every time you apply for a card.

And it was weird, but I was like... and? My credit is already so fucked that I didn't really care. I have no job. I can't imagine working again. I can't imagine living long enough to even need a good credit score - you know for things like buying a house or purchasing a car. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I have no idea what kind of future I will have. Because for some reason I can't even picture it.

Sis just blankly looked at me and said that it will happen. Same way as my mom once looked at me one time and said, "when you get married again...." Like without thinking twice about it. As if it were a given.

I don't know why, but I don't feel like anything is a given anymore. I feel like I did when I was being treated... "Ok, so what do I have to do today? What is on the schedule for today?" I can't even see past today. I don't see a house or a husband or even a boyfriend for that matter. Um... How can you date when you don't have your own space? What? Do like I did with jerk-face Elvis? Hang out at my PARENTS house all the time? It's worse than high school.

I see Zoe's future. She's got the world right there. I just hope I live long enough to encourage and support and love her so that she sees how bright her future is. I hope that if I die, my family and friends will carry on that mission (and not her dad.. God love him, but he's not the type to see what I see) My beautiful, smart, funny little bird-talker can do anything.

But it's so creepy to not see your own future. To not have any idea how to make it happen. Or even really the desire to do so. I know I could work and go back to what I was doing. Supporting myself. Making a wage. But it is such a mundane existence. To work for "The Man" and to barely ever see my child. I love her so much, but I didn't love being a single mom. A single working mom.

That's been one of the greatest things about getting cancer. How fucking sad is that? That now that I'm unable to work, I can actually do the kind of things I wanted to do before - you know, the soccer mom things. I always wished I could have been a stay home mom.

But as they say, be careful what you wish for. I guess I never figured that cancer would make my stay at home mom thing happen. My scenario didn't quite go like this. It was more of a Susie Homemaker one... the house, the husband, the dog, the minivan. I wanted summer vacations traveling across America. Taking my daughter to gorgeous beaches in California, seeing Disney or Legoland or the Grand Canyon.

Not quite what I got, now is it? Mooching off of family to shack up for a week here or there. Saying a quick hello to Zoe on the phone. (man, she's having a great time, so it lessens the whole missing her nutso) And not knowing what is in store for tomorrow, much less a future.

Does Darvon turn anyone else into a big fucking whiny baby? Cos it apparently does it to me.

Life isn't handed to you. It's hard work. It's responsibility. Gainful employment. Taxes. A J to the O to the B. I get it. I have done the work thing before. I wasn't always a slacktastic blogging goddess. I worked for my meager living. For many years. I sucked at it, but I did it. We all do it.

I get emails all the time from people with suggestions of how to do these awesome creative things. Write a book. Learn coding. Design websites. Become a motivational speaker. Find your passion. Sell realestateskincarevitamins x, y, z. I'm sure I could do any or all of those things.

But honestly, I get exhausted from just doing laundry sometimes. I have days where my body tells me... stay in bed or I will make you pay the price.

So how exactly does that happen post-cancer? How do you get up, make yer coffee, shower, dress and commute when all you want to do is hack your brain out of your skull because it hurts so bad?

I can't figure it out. So instead, I'm just going to go get some yogurt and go back to sleep. This is what I know is happening for today.

I can do this. Like I have a choice?

Your assignment today is to laugh. Life is so hard sometimes that basically all you can do is throw your hands up in the air and just laugh.

Oh. Also, do something daring.

I am not much of a pet person. We never had them growing up because we had a zilliondy kids and no one would do the clean poop thing. So anyway, I went with a friend to Bull Creek here in Austin. It's a natural little creek and it has this beautiful waterfall/swimming hole kind of thing. Lots of people bring their kids and/or dogs and they just hang out. Very Austin-ey.

Now I like the outdoors, but I hate the heat/sun/bugs/ and other funkaphenalia that makes up nature. I don't like to sweat or stink. And I am like Bren/Cody's Mom. I am either blanco or rojo. My skin does not know the meaning of tan. I probably would be outdoors all the time if I could take the sun and/or the heat, but I just can't. Fact.

So my friend has these two big gangly Golden Retrievers. And they are like nutso for tennis balls. So I was like... ok. fuck it. I'm going to go out and play. Sis #3 said she won't bring her dogs there because there are all kinds of doggie disease and funk there. But I wanted a little freedom.

Sunscreen - waterproof SPF 50
Ballcap
Lots of hydration
The ugliest crocs known to man given to me by BIL #1
Purell
Visa card
Sunglasses
Medical Insurance card
Medalert bracelet
cell phone
extra sunscreen for my lips

I was set to go. And damn it was fun. We mucked around for hours in that water. Walking on the rockbed covered in slimy slime. I picked tennis balls out of the water. Let one dog use me for a towel (he doesn't know how to shake off the water well enough so he will sneak a rub on you to dry off - or go to a strangers towel/picnic setup and dry off. Grabbed balls out of the dog's mouths with my BARE HAND. And generally laughed and splashed around the joint.

It was the most fun I've had in a long time. It actually made me think about getting Zoe a dog since I know she loves them so much. But then I was like.. nah... we can be like grandparents to our friend's dogs - that way we can give them back.

And if you know anything about me, you'll know that mucking around a bacteria-laden creek and touching slimy tennis balls and/or wet dogs is not my cup o'. But it was simply AWESOME!! When we got back into the truck, the dogs were worn out and tired. I even looked back and let the blond one smoosh his face up to mine. I think he may have even licked my cheek

So... do something daring. You never know, you just may have the time of our life! I know I did. It was so freeing. That must be what it's like to be a dog.

I double dog dare you.

International Supastar!

Two weeks from today I will be 40!

What to do? What to do?

I'm not even sure which city I will be in - San Antonio, Austin (most likely) or Houston. So when I'm in your city, let's celebrate!

Forty. Wow! Yippee!!!!!!!

blah blog

Went to Houston for a week or so. Love those people. Love 'em up. Got lots of hugs.

Drove back to Austin Friday. I feel so much at home in this city.

Still feel like doodie. But made myself (with some help of Sis #3) go swimming at the gym. I feel better, but still kind of off balance. I'm sick of drugs. I'm sick of taking all of these fucking drugs. I wish I could boycott just for a week. But even missing one day makes me waybad ill.

I don't feel like writing, but wanted to check in. My blog is all wack, so it makes writing here unenjoyable. I needs me a MT expert. I know it's just my computer though. Some weird setting. I don't know how to do a damn thing on here either. Heck. I just want to write when I want to write. Not wade through spam or have these slow issues.

I miss Zoe. I miss her so much I can't talk about it.

I am off to watch more of 24. The Jack Bauer Power Hour. Man, he's hot. I think he's short, but he's hot.

I can do this. I have Jack Bauer on my side.

Your assignment for today is to enjoy this damn heat. Sunscreen up and go out and sweat yer buns off. Then go swim or take a long cold shower.

Still Chill

In Houston. Chillin and hanging with the siblings. Feeling ok, but waiting on MDA to call me back. I'm having some issues with vertigo. No es bueno. It's like sitting up and *poof,* you're drunk!

Gotta run, but wanted to say hi!

Go visit Jake today. He's amazing. Say hi. Send him stuff. Tell 'em Deb sent ya!

I can do this. I may be dizzy, but I smell nice.

Your assignment today is to send some special prayers/vibes to Sis #2 who is going to Guatamala on a mission with the church, and to my friend Collins and Day (hope they fix you soon!), and to Snit, who got in an automobile accident - sore, but alive. I love you. Especially you, Claire :)