debutaunt.com

You Just Have to Start Somewhere

I dragged my sorry butt to the gym today.

I also just put myself (thanks to my dad) in debt to purchase a bunch of training sessions, a nutritionist consult, and a metabolic test to find out how many calories I need.

I did 25 minutes of cardio. And I survived it.

I also am waiting for my dorky Richard Simmons Food Mover

I used one before I had Zoe and it was an easy no brainer way to figure out what to eat. Weight watchers is too complicated - all the counting, spending the money, meetings. Food Mover is a balanced diet based on the number of calories you are allowed to eat. You flip down the things when you eat a portion and when they are all down, you step away from the buffet table. It tracks the water for the day, your vitamins, and it gives you a book to help you know what portion sizes are. It even has a restaurant book to know what the exchanges are.

I'm determined.

I have some tools. It is now officially The Year of The Deb.

I can do this. Because it's that time again.

Your assignment today is to send me some encouraging vibes. Join me this year in empowering yourself to get strong, healthy, vibrant.

Post for $5....

Damian is a Team in Training dude on my myspace page (hey, go there and add me!). He's got a $5 match drive going on to meet his goal. Team in Training is close to raising a BILLION dollars for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. So give up a starbucks for a day or two and help someone who runs for those of us who can't yet. Thankyaverykindly.

C'mon TNTer's!

Please donate just $5 to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in honor of TNT founder, Bruce Cleland. Bruce started TNT 20 years ago in honor of his daughter, Georgia. Last year, he was diagnosed with throat cancer. He's a dear friend and a wonderful person. I'm training and fundraising in his honor for the Columbia Triathlon on May 18th.

Didn't TNT change your life? Here's your chance to show Bruce what the program meant to you! I'm covering my expenses with my own donations, so your contribution will go completely towards research and patient services. You can afford $5, right? If all 100 of my myspace TNT friends donated just 5 bucks I'll raise an additional $500!!

Here's the deal...you donate $5 and pass my web page on to 5 people. Ask them to donate $5 bucks and pass the page on to 5 of their friends and so on and so on. Please show your PURPLE colors and help me reach my goal of $5,000 to help end the suffering of children and adults with cancer. C'mon guys it's not much more than the cost of a cup of coffee at Starbucks! Please help!!!

Donate at: http://www.active.com/donate/tntmd/damian

Give me an amen!

Someone sent this to me in an email. I was like... Welcome to my world:

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

For the Weary

Ok. So I didn't take a sleeping pill last night and I woke up pretty much every hour on the hour. It reminds me of when I was in the hospital and they come empty your trash at 3:30am.

I'm so not diggin' this. Especially since Mom wanted me to go shopping with her today.

What is the deal? I didn't even nap yesterday. I am really tired and should just be so asleep! Especially since I'm starting to reach the end of the internets again.

Help me Obi Wan Ginobili. You're my only hope.

The Girl. She Has a Rash

Zoe has fifth disease (Parvovirus B19). It causes a slapped cheek effect on her face and she has a rash on her back and stomach.

It's very contagious, but not once she has a rash. So there's not much you can do to protect yourself from this virus except lots of hand washing. She doesn't have a fever or any other sign that she is sick. The girl is still boundless energy personified. But it says that anywhere from 10% - 60% of a school may get it if there is a breakout .

It's not serious, except say.... if you have a compromised immune system. Golly gee. I think that means me.

It can cause severe anemia and joint pain and swelling, which can last for months. Perhaps that could answer some of the achy pain I have. Who knows. I don't know if they had tested me for this before, because once you've had it, you can't get it again.

All these germ bugs just make me want to hide in bed.

I found out last night that sleeping pills make me drool. I still woke up hurting, but at least I slept most of the night.

I watched the movie Fracture today and realized I have a total crush on Ryan Gosling Um. Yummy!

I don't wanna go to rehab

I watched Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew the other night with Sis #1. (Um, Dr. Drew... kind of a babe I'm thinking).

While I watched these people detox I had a question. Is there a rehab for people who are forced to take multiple meds? I am stuck on these steroids because when I get off them, I have some really horrible side effects. Muscle aches, digestive issues, headaches. I counted this morning and I took 33 pills. That's just not right. I feel like they are just damaging me somehow.

So I wish maybe I could go to a rehab or a spa or something and get off of them. I hate to talk about this, but I feel really depressed when i think about how horrible I feel. There are so many things I want to be doing, but feel sooo bad and I just can't. The gym and the pool are calling me. I want to take classes, I want to read more books, and I want to go dancing. The kind of dancing until you are breathless, laughing and sweaty.

I love my daughter, but all I can think about sometimes is just going to a spa for massages and pampering. Workouts, meditation, and delicious healthy food cooked by someone else. And sleep. Real sleep. Not the tossing turning, restless wakeful sleep. Sometimes I hurt so bad I just can't sleep.

Oh well. I should start playing the lottery to pay for all of my dreams.

I'm too boring to be funny. I was updating the My Favorite Links post and some of those entries made me laugh. There were many that also made me cry. Some made me do both. I think I may have to start blogging on a regular basis again. This whinese stuff is for the birds.

I can do this. My bird talker is next door playing with the neighbor's dog and eatin' ribs.

No assignment today.

Testing 1-2-3

I'm in Houston for an appointment with my "box doc."

I also got a bone density scan and will have a pulmonary function test tomorrow morning.

So far, my bones are looking good. I was like, "That's what I like to hear!!"

And now, thanks to low-dose birth control pills, instead of having a cervix that is all dried up like a prune (sorry, I know, TMI) I have one of a much younger woman apparently. I also take that to be a good sign.

I'm missing Zoe. She gave mom a hard time about wearing pants this morning as she'd much rather wear shorts and knee socks. It's about 40 in San Antonio, so mom wasn't having it. Mom said Z was like the devil when she heard that. I said, "Welcome to my world." Thank God for daily uniforms. I can't imagine how she'd fight if we actually had to choose clothes every day.

It's kind of nice to go to MD Anderson just for check up stuff. To have hair is so different. People actually smile at you, and woah.... men were checking me out for a change. That is still weird to me. I've been invisible for so long now.

I made myself walk a lot today. I'm trying to keep moving. I'm not liking this weight gain thing. I'm fat in places I've never been fat before. So not bueno!

I'm still really achy though. I think that adds about 25 years to how old my body feels. That's gonna have to be a trend I am going to reverse! Although at least at MD Anderson they want to know *why* I'm sore. Not just guestimating that it is one of my meds. I want to know why too. Because I don't think the muscle aches are related to the herniated back discs.

Ok. Way too much medical/body talk. I'm going to go eat my soup and salad and then later I get the honor of taking my little cute niece to ballet lessons.

I can do this. I have a mule-headed, stubborn, bird-talking daughter to tame.

Your assignment today.... Ok. I'm still after you all to give blood. What I forgot to clarify is that if you are unable/ineligible to give blood, or too terribly scared to give blood, please do the following:

1. If you blog, blog about how important it is to give blood if you are eligible. Here is a list from the American Red Cross about Blood Donation Eligibility Guidelines.

2. Facts About Blood. FAQ. Blood Donation Process. Tips for a Good Donation Experience.

3. If you aren't eligible, please try to find and convince someone else to give blood. Find some big ol' dude and go hold his hand. Ask the many blogging moms to think about what it would be like if their own child needed blood, and then try to imagine the many moms all across the country with sick children who require blood or platelets. If you can't do it, there is someone who just hasn't thought about it much who needs that extra push. You are writers, so convince them!

According to the American Red Cross, every 2 seconds someone needs blood. When I was in treatment, I needed over 20 units, which is not that many for someone with leukemia or a transplant patient. That blood literally saved my life. So please help. Don't be scared if you are eligible. Needle phobia is real, but it's small in comparison to what people needing blood are going through. Be brave. You can do it!!

Here is a great list:

10 You will get free juice and cookies.
9 You will weigh less — one pint less when you leave than when you came in.
8 It's easy and convenient — it only takes about an hour and you can make the donation at a donor center, or at one of the many Red Cross mobile blood drives.
7 It's something you can spare — most people have blood to spare... yet, there is still not enough to go around.
6 Nobody can ask you to do any heavy lifting as long as you have the bandage on. You can wear it for as long as you like. It's your badge of honor.
5 You will walk a little taller afterwards — you will feel good about yourself.
4 You will be helping to ensure that blood is there when you or someone close to you may need it. Most people don't think they'll ever need blood, but many do.
3 It's something you can do on equal footing with the rich and famous — blood is something money can't buy. Only something one person can give to another.
2 You will be someone's hero — you may give a newborn, a child, a mother or a father, a brother, or a sister another chance at life. In fact, you may help save up to three lives with just one donation.
1 It's the right thing to do.

1 I don't like needles / I am scared of needles / I am afraid to give blood
Nearly everyone feels that way at first. However, most donors will tell you that you feel only a slight initial pinch, and 7-10 minutes later, you are finished and headed for the canteen. If you take the time (and courage) to make one donation, you'll wonder why you ever hesitated.
2 I am too busy
The entire process takes about an hour, and the actual blood donation time is only 7-10 minutes. If you stop to think that an hour of your time could mean a lifetime for a premature baby, someone with cancer undergoing chemotherapy, or someone who's had an accident, you might decide that you can make the time to give the gift of life.
3 No-one ever asked me… I didn't realize my blood was needed
Consider yourself asked! There is simply no other way to supply the blood needs of hospital patients but for the generous donations of people like you. Every two seconds someone in America needs blood. More than 38,000 donations are needed every day in communities across the U.S.
4 I already gave this year
You can give every 56 days. Many donors give 5 times a year!
5 I am afraid I'll get AIDS
It is not possible to get AIDS by donating blood to the American Red Cross. A new sterile needle is used for each donor and discarded afterwards.
6 My blood isn't the right type
Every type of blood is needed daily to meet patient needs. If you have a common blood type, there are many patients who need it, so it is in high demand. If you have a less common blood type, there are fewer donors available to give it, so it is in short supply.
7 I don't have any blood to spare
The average adult body has 10-12 pints of blood. Doctors say that healthy adults may give regularly because the body quickly replaces the blood you donate.
8 I don't want to feel weak afterward
Donating blood should not affect adversely a healthy adult because your body has plenty of blood. You will donate less than one pint, and your body, which constantly makes new blood, will replace the donated volume within 24 hours. Most people continue their usual activities after donating.
9 They won't want my blood (I am too old / I've had an illness)
If you have doubts, check with your physician. The qualified staff on duty at a blood drive or donor center will also review your medical history with you. There is no upper age limit to donate blood with the American Red Cross, and a great many medical conditions do not prevent you from donating blood, or may have done so only temporarily in the past.
10 I have a rare blood type, so I'll wait until there is a special need
Blood that is rare or special is almost always in short supply. There is a constant need for these blood types in order to avoid having to recruit specific blood types in a crisis.

I had to laugh because a really good friend of mine from Houston left this comment about me on a dating website as a "testimonial:"

Deb and I are friends, but we don't always see things eye to eye. One thing is, she's taller. Another thing is, I like boobs, whereas I believe she likes wieners. I'm not saying she likes YOUR wiener, I mean, she doesn't even know you. I'm not saying she dislikes it either though. So you could say she's ambivalent about your wiener, and I think that's really all a guy can ask for at the start. Deb is very smart but not in a nerdy, pretentious way, more of a 'let's use our brains to have fun' way. She's more interested in having a good time than trying to act all superior. That being said, she doesn't have much patience for ignorance. What's it like for a stupid guy talking to Deb? Imagine trying to play Tim Duncan in a game of one on one. Don't bring that sh!t in here! Ask her for IM transcripts as proof if you need it. Key words: Afro puffs. For you, Deb would be an entertaining woman to date, and a grounded, resourceful, sensual person to be involved with. Plus, she's indestructible.

Extra Assignment

It's been a while, but it's still entirely relevant. From an old post:

Your assignment today is to give blood. Find out when you last gave blood and do it again if you are eligible. And some people don't think they are eligible, but they are. Double check. Don't go on rumors or myths. And if you aren't able, find a few people who are. See if the church has a youth group that gets service awards. Volunteer at a blood drive. Blog about the need for blood. Donate to your local blood bank. It never seems important until it hits you where you live. And it's hit our family just a little too often.

With Folgers in Your Cup

Waking up lately is like waking up with the worst hangover ever. Everything hurts. You don't feel rested. There's some nausea. But mostly you think... ache, ache, ache.

It's so lame because you didn't have the fun of doing the fun stuff you do to get the hangover.

I have noticed I feel a little better after a few cups of coffee. That's a good thing.

I loved seeing all the weather reports, btw.

A friend and I took Zoe to go see the awesome Jesse Dayton and Brennen Leigh Saturday night at Sam's Burger Joint. I've decided that if I ever get married again, I want to have my reception there. It's all dark and cozy and biker and has a bunch of circular booths in it. Jesse kept calling it a supperclub. The tator tots were yummy too. I'm thinkin tots would have to be on my wedding menu.

Zoe had a good time. She put on all of her Cheetah attire, pink shirt, cheetah skirt, black tights, and cheetah shoes. She loves Jesse Dayton and, although we didn't stay too late, she did get to hear her favorite song, "Long Legged Guitar Pickin' Man." It was cute to see her singing along.

I was glad for the long weekend. Lots of sleepin going on.

Ok. I can do this. I have a pot of coffee brewing.

No assignment today. Good thoughts about MLK and what he has meant to all of us.

E What??

I'm either high as a kite or in pain. There is no in between. I forgot how much I dislike pain meds. They just knock me out. That's not any kind of quality of life.

Anyway. We were watching tv and Zoe saw a commercial for eHarmony aka ebalogny. She said, "Mom. You need that. I think you need a boyfriend again." I tried eHarmony a few years ago, but the only matches I had were in like North Dakota or Idaho. Sorry. Um. No.

I think I need a chiropractor more than I need a boyfriend. Or maybe a boyfriend who is a chiropractor.

Z's been so sweet lately. She's such a caring little girl and always is kissing my boo boos (huge bruise on my hand from a lab test). We've been snuggling a lot lately and watching fun tv shows together. I think the rest is doing me good. I took her to Taco Cabana for breakfast and just could not stop staring at her. She really is so pretty. I came home and had a "balanced" breakfast. I'm really making an effort at trying to eat healthier since I can't seem to get a workout going. At least not one that will kick my ass, you know? Lots of stretching is all so far.

My awesome dad scheduled a massage for me tomorrow though. My infrastructure is needing a little work - manicure, pedicure, the works. I've just been sleeping so much that I've neglected it lately.

I'm headed to Houston next week for an exam. Then again on the 6th of Feb for my 2 year checkup. Two years. That is so remarkable to me. I can't believe I'm still here.

I can do this. And I don't need no stinkin' eBalogny.

Your assignment today is to tell me the weather report where you are. It's cold here, in the 30's, and I love it. I love this weather and wish we had more of it. I love winter clothes.

L4/L5

I was half asleep on vicodin when the nurse called with the MRI test results.

Herniation in L4/L5. Something about microscopic surgery.

Um. No.

I am going to have a different plan of attack. I've herniated discs before. I think the issue stems from muscle loss and weight gain in my "core" from steroids. So I am thinking of joining weight watchers or something and finding a rehab place who can tell me some exercises I may do safely. I am a gym member and we have a heated pool. The last time I injured it was about a year after I initially injured it. I started swimming and that did the trick. Now that I know what the injury is, I can work around it at the gym.

I will do anything to avoid surgery.

Although I'm not sure, but it still does not explain the pain in my muscles. Could be steroids.

Regardless, I'm a cancer ass kicker. What's a few herniated discs? They aren't going to stop me!

I can do this. I'm the bird-talker's mother.

Your assignment today. I got this email from one of the mom's at Zoe's school. Your assignment is to look up your own address.

All,

A friend of mine passed along this great website as a resource to keep families safe. I hope you find it useful - I know I did.

www.FamilyWatchDog.us

When you visit this site you can enter your address and a map will pop up with your house as a small icon of a house. There will be red, blue and green dots surrounding your entire neighborhood. When you click on
these dots a picture of a criminal will appear with his or her home address and the description of the crime he or she has committed.

The best thing is that you can show your children these pictures and see how close these people live to your home or school.

This site was developed by John Walsh from Americas Most Wanted. This is another tool we can use to help us keep our kids safe.

It's a great tool, but the sad fact is that anyone can hurt a child. You don't have to be a registered sex offender to be one. Still, it was interesting (and creepy) to look up our address information.

I'm a Mess and a Half

Ok. Yay for my SA doctors. I may have some deals with them, but I know they are so sweet and caring.

I still have no idea what is going on, but at least they ran some tests today.

Low potassium
Swollen ankles (cankles even!)
Chest x-ray
Lasix (then they were like whoops... your potassium is too low for this drug, so here are horse pills)
MRI
Morphine

Does anyone else realize how hard it is to take off your bra for a chest x-ray when you have an iv in your arm and you can't bend it???

Prescriptions for muscle relaxers, Vicoden, more potassium.

I need to have tests done at MD Anderson. Pulmonary Function, MUGA and a bone density scan. I emailed them, but we will see if they actually get the appointments set for when I am there.

Can you tell I'm still high from the morphine? Either that or just overwhelmed and exhausted.

Exhausted. I could sleep for days.

I need a vacation from my vacation. I can't deal. I'm not dealing well with any of this.

Short entry. Beatlejuice is on and I've been sooo missing my bird-talker. I need some major snuggles with that child.

I miss you internets. Especially my Collins, my Emily G, my Sis' #1, 2, 3, my Linda, my Bren, my Lisa, my Pam, my Kami, my cousins, my Damien, and my Shoshie. Because you all belong to me. LOL.

AND WHERE ON EARTH ARE THE ELVIS PARTY PICTURES? HUH? HUH??

I think my doctor is a psychic

I'm just really tired of my doctors havin' a guess at what is ailin' me.

Well it could be x.
Or it could be y.
Or even maybe z.
Or perhaps it's x, z and 1, 2, 3.
Most likely it's a side effect of your meds.

So I'm going to have you do this test that you felt you might need, (which is not related to the pain you're in) but other than that, I'm basically going to do nothing and you are just stuck having this terrible pain for the rest of your life. And you should be grateful that you even have a life.

[aside]
Yeah. I'm glad to be alive. I'm thrilled. I'm lucky. Most of all I'm blessed. But you know what? Why should I have to be grateful for it every millisecond of every day? It's like when you have a crappy job, but your boss makes you feel like you should just shut up because there were lay-offs and you are just LUCKY to have this job. You have to grovel and suck it up and be made to feel like you are stuck forever with this crappy job just because life is tough and it's hard to find a job... any job.

Well that's how I feel. I'm glad to be alive. I am. But if I have to be in this pain for the rest of my life, what good is being alive if you can't sleep from the pain and you can't walk or sit without pain? Should I just become a pain killer junkie? Take drugs for it 24/7?

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN. SPECIFICS HERE PEOPLE!!

I don't want to guess-timate at what is wrong. Hell. I can do that myself.
[aside over]

Are there tests for these guesses?? Can we find out something for SURE? If it's the meds, can we actually *try* to change them or fix it? Yes, you talk about what you know and what you think it is, but if you don't do anything, I'm basically paying a freaking fortune for you to play doctor. DO SOMETHING!!!

This is kind of like when I got diagnosed in the first place. It basically went like this.

Me: I feel like crap. I feel like my immune system is basically saying 'fuck you' right now.

Doc: I think you're sick. Let's give you some antibiotics, do some bloodwork, and then see.

Me: But this doesn't feel like just your average infection. I'm really feeling superbad.

Doc: Well call in a few days if you aren't feeling better. Just take the antibiotics; I'm sure you will feel better in a day or two.

This was Wednesday. On Friday I went to the suburb ER, transferred over to MD Anderson when they found out I had leukemia, and 3 days later I was starting my chemo.

Monday. My Doc's office calls: Ms. Deb_u_sick, can you come back into our office? We just got your labs back.

Me: Lemme guess. My white count is crazy high. Because right now I'm at a cancer hospital and I'm fixin to start my chemo in an hour or two.

Doc's office: Ok. Ok. Well good luck with that.

I know doctors aren't perfect. But I'm really aggravated about this. This pain is unacceptable. It's making me whine. It's making me limp. I'm going nuts from not being able to sleep well. I'm sitting here and it's excruciating. On the pain scale, I'm at about an 8; 10 being childbirth. I'm the face on the smiley face scale that would be about a 4.5.

Yes, I'm glad to have a life. I'm glad to be alive. But I can't handle this pain and I don't want to live all numbed up with drugs. It's not my debu_style.

I can do this. Although today I am not so sure.

Remind me to tell you the story about my pool-hustlin, bird-talking Zoekat.

No assignment today. Just have a good day for a Monday!

MOMO G!! is the bomb diggity

Happy Birthday, Mom. You are awesome and our lives would suck without you (even though Zoe would probably get a puppy).

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for her. Literally. She gave me life 40 years ago, and then several times this past year when she recognized that encephalitis had overcome me. She takes care of all of us. If I ever amassed a fortune, I would love to do something amazing and grand for her. Like send her on a trip to Rome. I know she wants to go, but won't pull the trigger.

Also, I'd fix up the house with the things she's always talking about, but won't ever fix.

Mom. You're just awesome. We love you!!

Ok. I'm off to attempt the lemon cake. Which should be interesting because I'm half high from the Darvon cocktail.

There's Too Much Pain for my Brain

I went to the doc yesterday. I just feel like something is really really wrong.

I'm just in a lot of pain. You know you're in pain when you take a Darvon AND an Ativan and you still hurt. It is just in my muscles and my bones. I can hardly walk. I am short of breath. It hurts to even touch my muscles. Or walk up a few steps. I can't exercise. I can hardly sit. And walking is limited to a 30 minutes or less.

Dr. B here in SA told me to get another pulmonary function test. He's not sure of the cause of the pain, but there are a few possibilities. Steroid induced muscle pain, GVH of my joints/muscles, low magnesium (although it's always low - I've never had this kind of pain).

Who know. All I know is that it's making life unbearable. Which sucks because I've been trying to get out more and do stuff and meet people.

I can do this. Even if I feel craptastic. I have my bird-talker to cheer me up.

P.S. Prayers go out to my Cali-friend, Robin, who is fighting at MD Anderson. She's beautiful, and has an amazing spirit. She had pneumonia over the New Year, but is about to start some experimental drugs to combat her relapse. Her family is amazing and she has a sweet little girl and wonderful husband who need her. I'm thinking of you, chica.

Your assignment today is to send me a recipe with noodles and chicken in it... some kind of casserole maybe. Mom and Dad have a good friend who is fighting breast cancer and her husband just had surgery for colon cancer. Mom's been trying to cook up some small meals to bring to them.

Mom Gets a Technical Foul

Zoe's basketball team are all newbs. They are adorable. They try so hard. They are improving. They have great coaches. And they are just sooo cute!

But today they basically got shellacked. This team beat them 40-0. The first time they played, even though we had forfeited b/c of lack of players, they beat us 49 to 4.

Can you say unsportsmanlike behavior? This is CYO for goodness sake! Our girls barely know how to dribble or shoot, but they played against these street-ballers who know plays, can shoot 3 pointers (at age SEVEN), and fake pass and dribble like they are in college.

This is my opinion: Running up the score is just kind of an uncool thing to do. It's this unwritten rule that you just don't do that. They had their best player in three full quarters. C'mon now. They had an entire bench of girls who aren't that good and probably don't ever get as much playing time.

I actually said something to their coach after the game. This total bitchy mom / coach said after, "Well y'all could have tried to stop us!" Um, jigga WHAT? We tried to. That was our best. And we got slaughtered. They also said, "Well we *were* city champs." And "Our second string would have beat you that bad too." Hmmm. I wonder about that. Some of them are actually timid like our girls. Not aggressive ball hogs.

Ok, so our girls are learning the basics. Your girls have NO business even playing us, much less creaming us AND gloating about it. Not just once, but three times now. I hate being upset about this, but I was an athlete for so long. I want to teach my daughter about sportsmanship and loving sports. Not about feeling bad because their team isn't very good. Or getting the crap beat out of them (literally... hello ref, it's called a FOUL).

I think I need a good workout tomorrow. I'm just too aggravated about this for my own good. I think I will, however, be writing someone at the CYO and telling them that this team is so far out of our league, that it is unfair for us to play them. I mean, yesterday we squeaked a win out at 8-4. Then today.... c'mon. How is that sportsman-like?

I can do this. I'm too irritated not to.

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of rude coaching?