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Birthday Sing-a-long!!

So Proud to be Two

Today is my "new" birthday. Feb 27, 2006 was my stem cell transplant. I read over entries for that month, and it was hard to read. I remember how sick and scared I was. And how I didn't want to give up.

No cake for me today, but here is one of my favorite two year olds enjoying some food.

I can do this. I'm two years old!!

Old Guys Rule

Happy belated birthday to my dad!! We celebrated on Saturday, but I was so entirely out of it that I didn't really get to do much celebrating. I did buy him this great shirt that says, "OLD GUYS RULE." And I actually found a whole site where you can buy them. I want to get one for myself because, well, I do dig old guys. And the t-shirts are cool. Dad is cool too. I love you, Dad. I hope this is a great year for you. You are wonderful.

I spent most of the morning at the transplant docs here. It's not thrush, but there is a chance that it is viral or it could be chronic graft vs. host of my mouth. They upped my anti-viral meds to three times the dose I currently take. Now I have an agonizing headache. They swabbed my mouth and did some lab work. Not sure if it proved to be viral (I was asleep when they called to tell me to up the dose). But it sure hurts like a mofo and there are now more blisters I have to say, whatever it is, I hope I can get rid of it soon. It's pretty miserable. All I want are cherry Icees.

Zoe goes back to school tomorrow. I don't think she's ready as she still has some residual cough and she's just been so out of it for a week. She has tons of homework and I hope that we can get it all finished. Mom was a total white tornado today and cleaned and did laundry and helped Zoe with her homework. What can you give someone who does so much for you??

I can do this. My mouth hurts, but that gives me an excuse to eat jello.

Your assignment today is to wish my dad a happy belated birthday! Smooches!

I can't even smile, but at least I want to

Well Z and I finally got rid of our fevers, but we both are still coughing our heads off. I am so glad we were able to join my family in Austin on Saturday. Even though it was exhausting to drive there and drive back, it is always so much fun (albeit super loud) to get my entire family together. They are all just a blast. Sis #2 got a hair cut after she donated her hair to Locks of Love and she looks great. I totally have hair envy. Sis #1 has been doing something different too because her face looks so young! As usual, she looks superfantastic. And my lil sis, Sis #3, just is so adorable. Even when she doesn't really dress up, she looks so cool and chic all the time. I hope the pictures turn out well. I was feeling super duper craptastic.

And my brothers. Man, they are funny. They made a movie for an Alamo Draft House contest and we laughed our heads off. Bro #2 and his wife catered the party with some yummy Salt Lick bbq. We hung out in their back yard and the kids ran around like bonkers and we saw deer and these monster bulls at the neighbor's ranch.

I have a dr. appointment at my transplant clinic tomorrow. My mouth is a hot mess. I took some Flonase and some albuteral inhaler stuff last week when I was desperately sick and hurting. Ever since then, I have some serious infection or something going on. I have blisters all over the roof of my mouth and my cheeks. My lips are so chapped, and nothing is seeming to make them stop cracking. It hurts to eat or smile. This is totally unacceptable.

I've been using this rinse stuff in my mouth to help heal it, but it feels worse than ever.

At least I don't feel like I'm on death's door.

And special thanks to Dr. L for letting Zoe sneak into his office on a Sunday. He fixed her up with some major cough syrup and a course of antibiotics. Hopefully that will kick this crap right in the butt. We can't have the bird-talker feeling punk, now can we?

I can do this. I just can't kiss or smile for a while.

Your assignment today is to tell me your favorite food when you are sick. So far, mine is a freezing cold Cherry Icee. And those popsicles are darn good too.

It's a good ol' fashioned dance-a-thon!

I'm pimping for my friend Monica E, the Tiara Chick. She's fundraising for the City of Hope by doing a 24 hour cancer dance-a-thon.

Here's the link to her fundraising site. She's only $10 away from her $200 goal.

Help her blow it away!! City of Hope is a great hospital.

Cheers!

On the Mend

Looking better. Fever on and off and still not eating much. She's all Gatoraded up though. Now I'm begging her to get some food in her stomach and she just keeps saying she's not hungry. Except for Popsicles. Neither am I.

I don't think my lips could be any more chapped.

I can do this. But I need a few naps!

Zoe's joke: Where do plants go to school?

The Ivy League.

(from her popsicle stick)

Sick Little Bird Talker

Zoe's fever goes away with tylenol, but then it blasts right up to 103.5. She's uber miserable. I could barely get her to eat anything and have been forcing her to drink fluids. She's been in bed all day and has actually taken some naps during the day which she *never* does. I don't think I've ever seen her this sick before. It's breaking my heart.

I can't seem to make my fever go away yet. It's not as high as it was, but it's steadily between 99 and 100. I still feel crappy, but better than I did just yesterday.

I hate this. We had a big weekend planned with my siblings to have a birthday celebration for my dad and take a family portrait. I'm not sure if we will be well enough to go.

I know the gym can wait, but I hate to lose everything I already started. I bet my cardio will be for crap again. Oh well. I will be persistent.

I can do this. My bird talker needs her mom.

No assignment today.

The Zzzzzz's

I slept all day. Like I didn't even get out of bed until 6pm.

Now my poor baby Zoe is sick with this mess. Her fever hasn't been as high, but she's feeling superpunk. I don't even have the energy to cheer her up. All she wants is to be with me. To have me comfort her. But I'm feeling so awful. At least we got to nap together this afternoon. I hope I have more energy.

Poor Momo is stuck being the nurse. She even made a run to Sonic for me because all I wanted was something icy and cold.

I know my fever is breaking tonight because I took some Tylenol and even though I just took a cool shower, I'm perspiring like crazy.

I'm not as scared anymore, but I hope that my fever disappears soon. I have now had 4 days of the fever. I'm so not diggin that.

Thank you all for the encouragement. Please send prayers and good vibes and wishes that no one else in our family gets this.

I can do this. My birdtalker needs me to comfort her and make her laugh.

Your assignment today is to get some extra sleep. Take your vitamins. Stay healthy peoples!

I love you internets. Be well.

102 Baby

My fever keeps climbing. They think I'm on my way to getting bronchitis, so they gave me a shot in the bootie and some big time antibiotics for 11 days.

I went to my friend's office and I've never had such a pleasant experience with staff before. They listened carefully and weren't rude about all my health issues.

I'm feeling really punk and can't seem to get warm. I hope these antibiotics kick in soon. I don't feel like eating anything, but am trying to maintain.

I'm going to try to go to bed, but I feel like my eyes are on fire.

I'm scared. No lie.

More Cowbell

I have a fever - 99.7. I guess I'm so high from the pain meds for the muscle aches that I didn't notice quite how awful I feel.

I'm scared and afraid to tell anyone. All mom and dad do is to tell me to take Airborne (which does nothing for me). The doctors all just blow you off & don't ever think a low grade fever is anything (uh... steroids mask a higher fever). And this is exactly how the encephalitis started. The flu is going around and I was around a big group for Zoe's "reconciliation retreat" (mandatory) for her first communion. I had a bad feeling about that. I should have worn a mask.

Mostly I'm just mad that I have to cancel 2 gym appointments tomorrow. A followup with my nutrition coach and a training session. I refuse to give in to this. I need to remain determined to be fit.

The Happiest of Happy

It's Sis #1s birthday today. I don't think I could even try to describe how awesome she is. Seriously, she's loving and supportive and funny and caring and smart and a great mom and wife. And she's just cool as heck!

She loves the Texans too!

I love you, Sis. And I hope this year is really a superfantastic one for you!!

I can do this. I want to be Sis #1 when I grow up!

Your assignment today... well you know, send the birthday wishes!

The Hair Report

Full on steroid face. Feb 2007

Yesterday.

Not too bad for a 40 year old with messy hair, no makeup on except for Dr. Pepper chapstick. I wish I had some better pictures. I'm ready to look cute again. I have some really sexy shoes, but I'm not strong enough yet to walk in high heels. They are another part of my inspiration for my training.

I remember looking (and feeling) like this:

I'm determined. I still feel mischievous and sexy on the inside. I'm feisty and sassy. Full of snark. The outside will take a while, but I'm there. I'm coming back. It's a fight but I'm doing it!

Training is going better. I don't know why it's so difficult to do the exercises he gives me. I totally get out of breath and feel like I'm going to pass out. Yet I've worked up my low intensity cardio to almost an hour at a time, and I break a good sweat, but can maintain my breathing.

He told me that my flexibility will improve with strength. I hope so because I feel like a rock when I stretch. Sooo not flexible.

I can do this. My nutrition coach gave me 1700 calories a day and some good menu planning.

Your assignment today is to make some time for yourself. Everyone is busy, but it's a must to take some time out to care for yourself. Relax, eat well, read, watch a movie, and get some extra zzzzsssss. I can tell I'm sleep deprived when I sleep through my alarm clock.

I know so many people who just run themselves to exhaustion. Beware. Sometimes you just have to say no. I met this beautiful woman at the gym pool the other day, but she talked about feeling unhappy. It kind of made me sad because she had 2 gorgeous kids and was incredibly sweet. I think she just had too much going on in her life.

Too scheduled. Kid chauffeurs. So slow it down. Take some time.

Great inspirational story of a woman who lost 120 lbs.

I didn't get a single flower. Men... have you ceased to worship me?

Be Mine

I can't skip my meds. I'm in total agony. What's the point of paying a trainer if you can't function? Why am I even doing this? I can barely move. I hate meds.

Zoe is my heartbeat. The girl reads me like a book. Tonight she sang to me and we snuggled in and talked for a while. My folks were at a special mass at church (with the Bishop and about 40 priests) and Zoe and I made those precut cookies with red hearts on them. She addressed all her little Valentines for her school chums and then was singing Elvis songs in the shower. She came out and nakedly did her little Elvis snarl. Then she started doing the Elvis hip swaying.

I remember when she was little, a girlfriend of hers showed her the Elvis booth at Fuddruckers and she came back and exclaimed, "Mom!!! Did you know that Elvis was a KING?"

I laughed and then she said, "Yeah, and he died on the toilet!"

Happy Valentines to those who believe in love and flowers and sappy cards. And Happy Thursday to you unsentimental folk.

I can do this. I have Zoe and that's about all I need right now.

No assignment. Don't overdo it on the chocolates.

I miss flowers. From men who worship me.

Late Entry... Dinnertime so this is quick

If the scale at the gym is right, I've lost 7 lbs already.

I'm doing much better now that I'm getting some Z's.

I had my Dr. friend look over all of my reports and I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that they are all fairly good. He translated all the med-speak for me.

I spent the last two and a half hours at the gym watching Zoe swim like a maniac. I read a bunch of my book, Body for Life for Women. Again, I could not recommend this book more highly, even for people who don't plan on doing the BFL challenge.

I can do this. I may be tired, but I feel good and I am still very determined.

Your assignment today is to read this and start truly living it. Now is the time!! (from Body for Life for Women by Dr. Pamela Peeke)

I will give to myself as I give to others.
I will value my health as I value the health of my loved ones.
I won't ask, "Should I or shouldn't I?" about matters of self-care.
I will just do it.
I humbly accept that I must work to be the best me I can be.
I will choose to work for myself, rather than abandon myself.
I will embrace adversity as an opportunity to test my mental and physical strength.

Depleted

What is it called when you pray to have more grace? Or you pray to be more grateful?

Because I'm not feeling very grateful lately. And I don't like it.

I'm grateful to be alive. I really really am. Especially when you consider the alternative.
I am not grateful to be alive and in constant pain or high on drugs so I am not.

I am not grateful to feel depressed more than I ever have in my life. And I'm *on* antidepressants (what a load of crap they are) I think when my insurance company MADE me switch to a generic version it stopped helping. Or perhaps it's just the wrong drug for me. Hmmm.... Could it be I never needed anti-depressants in the first place and you damn doctors prescribed me one to help with the neuropathy in my feet but never told me it could have horrible side effects like sleeplessness or depression or mania or paranoia? That when I told you I didn't like it, you said, oh well, now we will have to switch you to Lexipro, but it's "like baby aspirin." Now when I try to taper off the anti depression generic crap, I'm really sad and feel super depressed. But who cares, you're alive, right?

I am not grateful to be alive when I can't sleep anymore. When no doctor can tell me why I can't sleep. When they all blow me off when I tell them it is awful. When they tell me it's the early menopause or the medication. "What time do you take this pill. Oh, morning. Well what about this? Yes. I see. Well, that just happens." No, motherfucker, sleeping only 3-4 hours a night doesn't just happen. Waking up and not being able to go to sleep doesn't just motherfucking happen!! I don't care what the reason is, you get paid a shit ton of money, you went to school for 2390239 years, find out why, pretty please? I can do my own guessing just by researching sleeplessness on the internets! I need it to stop and in order to do that, I have to find out why it is happening.

I am not grateful to have good bone density tests, "for someone who has had as much chemo and steroids and radiation as you have." What does that mean? On one hand it says NORMAL on it, but on another, you say that my back is weak from all the steroids, etc. That I should be careful so I don't fracture my back. Let's see. I asked you over a year ago about adding a med to my personal pharmacy for bone density. You blew me off. I'm cured, so who cares if I can barely move?

I am not grateful to have excellent pulmonary function tests "for someone who has had as much chemo and steroids and radiation as you have." Um. Jiggafuckwhat? Even just the 'fit test' at my gym shows reduced cardio function in a little over a year. I tell you I'm out of breath quite a bit, but who cares? I'm alive, right?

My magnesium is low, but what's new? It's not low enough to need an IV, so move on. Minor blip.

My immune system is still low, but what's new? It's not low enough to need an IV, so move on. Minor blip.

I cannot live on pain meds and muscle relaxers. I cannot function on these stupid anti-depressants. I cannot live on 3-4 hours of sleep. I cannot live thinking that I belong in rehab or need a month at a spa to heal myself. Or that a perfect day for me would be to sleep all day and all night. I'm basically on a vacation already. Why should I need a vacation?

I dread every day where I have to look at that huge handful of meds, anti-virals, anti-fungals, immunosuppressants, painkillers, steroids, vitamins - the daily cocktail that saves my life. They get harder and harder to swallow each day. I even take a pill solely to protect my stomach from all the other pills. I bet my liver and kidneys hate me. HATE I say.

I know it's complicated. But why do you all save people from cancer, just to blow them off once they live? To say, well, you have a little graft vs. host. You LOOK good (fuck all if I look good, I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore). Don't tell me I look good.

I know I don't LOOK sick, but I FEEL TERRIBLE. And the only thing that makes me feel better is a handful of drugs. No one should have to take daily vicodin. No one should need two ativan to sleep. I don't feel safe taking all these meds. Something's gonna give and I don't want it to be me. I didn't come this far just to wind up completely defeated and feeling helpless.

That's soooo not my debu_style.

I hate feeling ungrateful. I am grateful for my family and friends and my life. I am grateful for my little bird speaker, who as I type this at 5am just came in bed and whispered good morning and snuggled up under the covers on this chilly Friday morning and pressed her little freckled nose up against my arm and promptly fell asleep.

How do you balance all the pain and sorrow and defeat with the true grace of God's blessings?

I want to say, "I can do this." I'm very motivated to lose weight and get fitter and feel better. But I just don't feel like I can do it anymore. To have unexplained pain. To have unexplained depression. To feel so out of control over a body that is betraying me once again.

I love working out. I feel strong. I am determined. But hope is not carrying me through this one anymore.

I feel like I did when I first got diagnosed. I had symptoms. Doctors just blew me off. I felt crappy for months and months. It's really sad when you are relieved that someone finally has a diagnosis - even if it is cancer. At least you know there is a reason for feeling awful. Now there are at least 923049230 reasons for every symptom I am experiencing. I just want to fix it. I just want to be physically able to live again.

I'm ungrateful. I pray that goes away.

No assignment. I have a terrible headache now. I hate whinese! I'm just going to snuggle up to the bird-talker until the alarm goes off.

Roadtrippin Again

I'm headed to Houston today for my two-year post transplant checkup.

I've been doing really well on my eating clean / workout mission. And yes, Jeanne, you're welcome to be my weight loss bud.

Where are my Mardi Gras beads???

I can do this. I'm eating green, baby!

Your assignment today is to do some exercise. A 15 minute walk. Stretching. Sit and be fit. Whatever you are capable of doing, just do it today. Let me know about it. It's good to have some encouragement.

Also, please send some prayers and good vibes to Pam C. She's going through a whole lotta mess and needs some love. Hugs to you, chica!

This is what I have in mind

I can do this too. I know I can.