debutaunt.com

Always Missing Someone

I remember once when Zoe was in first grade she told me that she wished all the people she loved were in the same city. I know just how she feels. Most people do. Even though my immediate family is all in Texas, most of them are in other cities, and I have cousins and aunts and uncles that I miss from one end of the States to the other. My sweetheart is across the country in Seattle. My readers, my lovely e-friends, are all over the world.

I was goofing around on my myspace page (no, Helga's not me in a Halloween costume) and re-watched this video:

It just never gets any easier. I loved that woman. A woman I never met in person, but a woman to whom I could relate entirely. We shared secrets. We shared laughs. And many many nights we shared our fears. Never. Gets. Easier.

We are kind of lagging on our fundraising. Just have been a little busy. I think I will try to spend a few hours every week trying to find new resources for fundraising. Most everyone I know is either raising money themselves, or are in too much of a pinch right now ($4 gasoline doesn't help). But I'm sure there is someone who might be interested. Working on expanding resources via Twitter (way too fun, way too addictive) and possibly getting corporate sponsors to add links or advertising on our Team Zoe site. I'm sure we can do some fundraisers after the summer. Zoe wants to keep having them at fun places.

Missing you. And you. But mostly you, Goobertox.

I can do this. It's nearly summer.

Your assignment tonight is to plan to eat some salad tomorrow. When it's 95 out with a 105 heat index and 36% humidity, there is nothing better than a summer salad. What is your favorite salad combo?

Busy

Will write soon. Got a haircut today and she straightened it. I sort of look like me again. Still too short for my taste, but I dig it. And... the whole, yay for having hair again thing.

95 here today. 101 heat index with 36% humidity. Um. GROSS!!! Two weeks to Seattle. They better not suddenly get some huge heat wave when I get there ~ at least we have air conditioning. Heat in Seattle would be tragic.

I can do this. I feel like passing out, but I can make it.

Your assignment today is to tell me your summer plans.

Toots McGee

Mom: "Oops, excuse me." (I say as I ... er... well... cut the cheese.)

Zoe lets one rip as well; "I'm with you, sister."

Thanks Natalie Dee. A cartoon for all occasions.

Wisdom

"Mom, did you know that when you get to be a teenager, you get wise teeth."

3 Weeks

Three weeks from today I will be on a plane to Seattle. I am so thrilled and wish I could just pack everything up and go and not come back (except to visit my fabulous family). Today it is in the 90's and I hate even walking outside. I feel like my skin is burning off. I miss my debu_sweetie, but I know we will have so much fun. He's totally dorktastic like me and I like that I don't have to explain stuff to him.

Also, he's been doing the Body for Life Challenge (which I've done and LOVED); when we were there last time, we were constantly on the move. His house is near a bike trail that runs along a river. It's been a while since I've been on a bike, but I used to ride all the time in Austin. And when I was doing the BFL Challenge, I'd ride about 16 miles a day. I swear they all drink so much coffee because no one wants to sleep. They are too busy enjoying the active stuff. I'm looking forward to some non-stress too. I feel kind of overwhelmed lately with end of school activities.

Zoe's class had a class first communion. During mass, the kids sang a song and did some hand gestures with the song. I wish I had a video, it was so sweet. I totally teared up. My girl is getting so big and I know that she will be gone again for the summer. I miss her like mad during the summer because she hates to talk on the phone, but I know that she is having a great time. Lots of swimming, kiddos and activities. She loves to spend summers there, but usually by the end of the visit, we are near tears from missing each other (sometimes there are lots of tears).

I love that my dad is the deacon for the mass. All the kids now shout in unison with him (he's known for it) at the end of mass, "GO IN PEACE TO LOVE AND SERVE THE LORD."

Ok. Near time to pick up my Z. I love you internets.

I can do this. I'm practically indestructible. (and according to the school nurse, so is Zoe. Got another call today. She always is bleeding somewhere or getting yet another killer bruise. Zoe on the goey.)

Your assignment today is to call a loved one. No distraction kind of phone call while typing on computer, watching tv, reading, getting interrupted by kiddos. Schedule it in if you have to. But it's so important that your loved ones know that you love them. I hope that mine know.

For My Sweetie

Thanks Allison. Sometimes when I can't say it, you do so perfectly!

More Pictures

Zoe and her awesome Godparents

My dad serving Zoe wine

First Communion

You all can see why I'm not the family photographer (aside from using just my cell phone). There are a few more pictures and she will get a portrait done next week at school. I'm usually just too excited watching to get real photos.

Here's the Zoe we know and love:

It was a lovely day and we had a nice lunch with Zoe's Godparents (Bro #2 and his wife), My SIL's parents, a good friend of the family Miss Bev, her boyfriend and Bro #3 and his son. Mom made a feast and it was so special to me that Dad participated in the mass, even giving Zoe wine.

Zoe: "Mom, it tasted like grape juice, but it was really blooooooooood," she said ghoulishly.

We are just blessed. Wish the rest of my family and the debu_sweetie, Tim, could have joined us, but it still was a wonderful, very special day.

The Crack of Crack

I woke up way too early for a Sunday. I think I'm too tired to even write. As I sit here, I wish that Sixbucks wasn't quite so far away. I'm getting to the point again that I really dislike paying for it, but the coffee I make at home... well just sucks.

Today is a big day for my Zoester. She tried on her dress last night to make sure it still fits. She really looked so pretty.

Went out for some Vietnamese food and took her picture. No, that's not the FC dress. But we sent some pics to Tim and to Zoe's dad because she looked cute. I love our Friday night dates.

Ok. I'm going to try to go back to bed. Hopefully I'll have some communion pictures to post later. If I don't fall asleep in church.

Welcome to ... well me box (TMI Warning)

When you have radiation and chemo, one of the big risks (after death of course) is secondary cancer.

I just got a call from my MD Anderson OBGYN about my January pap smear. According to the nurse, I have atypical cells apparently.

Um. Ok. I knew that. My doc told me that last time I was there ... back in JANUARY.

So my doc is going on maternity leave. And I guess she's going over patient files. So the nurse calls me and tells me they want to do a Colposcopy.

Apparently they want to do it now, but I'm tired as a mofo and don't want to drive, nor do I have the time, back to Houston (SINCE I WAS JUST F*CKING THERE TEN DAYS AGO). It took me 2 extra hours to drive home because I had to stop and walk around a little since I was tired and sore. We won't even discuss the traffic.

So, since I will be in Houston already, I told her to do it then. Lovely.

I'm hoping for no biopsies. I think a sore box would surely ruin my trip to NYC. Not like I was planning a big party, but my sis and I and the awesome Diane were going to museum, foodie and maybe shop.

Whatever. I am so over this already. It's just aggrevating and I am not going to worry about results or anything until/unless I have to.

I can do this. I have a summer planned in Seattle.

Ok. That is all. Your assignment is to enjoy your weekend. Zoe has soccer, I'm going to get to see my Bro #2 and his wife (I wish more family could come) and then we have first communion. It's kind of a big weekend for the Debu_household, but I'm going to enjoy myself.

First Communion

Sunday, May 18, 2008 Zoe will be receiving her first communion.

We will have pictures.

Apparently expensive ones that the school artsy fartsy photographer is taking. Hoping my dad can get some good ones as he takes decent pictures, great ones sometimes. Zoe can be pretty photogenic too when she's not posing like Elvis.

I'm feeling kind of a low self esteem day today.

that is all.

Sending out some B-love

(blog love)

Susan is in the middle of treatment for breast cancer and having some bummer medical stuff going on. She's been pretty frustrated lately, but is a freaking amazing person. She's on my Twitter and is still such a bright spirit.

Just a quick assignment: Please go over and say hi and give S some encouraging words. I remember how much your comments meant to me when I was stressed or sad. (heck, your comments still mean so much to me and make me smile!)

Also, my sweet buddy Jeanne had one of her dogs die from pneumonia after eating a ROCK of all things. We met her when we were in Seattle and she had 2 gorgeous dogs. It just made me and Zoe so so sad when we heard the news. I don't care who you are, but losing a pet is just the same as losing a member of your family. Especially when you've had that pet for so long.

So, please also go give Jeanne some internets love. She's the coolest!

Feeling better today after some serious sleep.

Love you internets! And hello to any of my Twitter friends that stop by.

Inso-maniac

Hard time sleeping. Kind of achy like I'm fighting a cold. Blah. But here's something cute to cheer me up.

Z with curly hair. Forget Hannah Montana, Zoe's cuter and funnier*. The girl posed like a cover girl. Now to work on her singing voice.

And Welcome to My World

* you know you're tired when you question yourself ... is funnier a word? And you go over it again and again in your head. More fun. Fun. Funnier. Funniest. Oh yeah, America's Funniest Home Videos. Funnier. F-U-N-N-I-E-R. Yes, that's it. Then you look it up for good measure because for some reason you are too tired to trust spellcheck.

Love

Totally in love with Amanda's niece Ruby Elizabeth. Isn't this just the most precious picture of all time?? Sweetness personified. How could you not have baby fever looking at this photo? If only I were 20 years younger and much much healthier, I'd birth my own baseball team.

And also now in love with Collective Soul

What a gorgeous song. CS is now on my must see concert list.

Must see (or see again) before I croak.

Never seen before
Lenny Kravitz (never seen, but he's my all time fav)
Jack Johnson
Sufjan Stevens
Allison Sattinger
Allison Krauss - hopefully with Robert Plant
Willie Nelson - sadly have never ever seen him and he's just awesome
Wilco
Collective Soul
Elvis Costello
Elton John
Raul Malo (great singer - incredible voice)
U2
Aqualung
Beck
Ben Harper
Aretha Franklin
Busta Rhymes
Sade
Rufus Wainwright
Sting
Moby
Peter Gabriel

Have already seen
Tina Turner (saw her years ago at Sea World in San Antonio. It was Africa hot and she was amazing. We were like f*ck Shamu, let's go in the restaurant while we wait for her to start)
Lyle Lovett (saw him a few times in Austin - he just jams out with his Large Band)
Jimmie Vaughn - used to see him a lot in Austin
Rolling Stones (if they are still alive)
Neville Brothers
Paul McCartney
Bo Deans
Jimmie Dale Gilmore
Jesse Dayton
Santana (my ex-husband knows the guy who used to be the lead singer - we got great tickets to this)

ok. I'm sure there are tons more.

I can do this. But I'm sleepy.

Your assignment for today is to tell me who is on your must see list.

Snappy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all my mom friends and to the dad's that act as moms.

Zoe's present to me. Hope you can read phonics too.

1. Why did God make mothers?
"So they can have ther babbys"

2. How did God make mothers?
"He made mothers so they can care for they babbies"

3. What ingredients are mothers made of?
"They are made of Gods and Jesus life."

4. Why did God give you YOUR mother and not some other mom?
"To love us. To care about us more than any other mom."

5. What kind of little girl was your mom?
"She was a brave littel girl."

6. Who's the boss at your house?
"My Grandma is the boss at my hous and my Mom."

7. What's the difference between moms and dads? (AND OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WROTE THIS!!!)
"Moms don't have wenner and Dad work"

For those of you who don't get it - she said WEINER. OMG!! And golly. I worked for over 20 years.

8. What does your mom do in her spare time? (love this)
"She writes on the cuputer all day log and get Starbucks and gets Ice veteta lata (iced venti latte)

Notice how she spelled Starbucks exactly correct! That's my kid for shizzle.

9. What would it take to make your mom perfect?
"She would have more munay to buy thighs (things) for me and grou hirer (grow hair)"

10. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
"I would cages (change) not for her to go to the docter and the hostpel (hospital)"

Ok. Off to shop for stuff for grilled chicken bowtie salad stuff. Love to you internets and thanks debu_sweetie for the sweetest email of all time this morning!!

Prelim

Called MD Anderson.

Preliminary Biopsy Results Show:

27 Months of remission. It's like when you have a baby and you still count in months. I can't wait until I can count into years!!!

Just blessed is all. I am so very very blessed.

Thanks for all the prayers & good vibes and for loving me.

Am I Awake?

The biopsy was as good as a biopsy can be. My technician, Terry, is awesome. She's the best and my favorite because she's hella cool too.

But it still hurts. Like a mofo. And I have a hideous bruise on my inner arm from the tape where they took a blood sample. I so look like a crack ho junkie now. (but that's usual, no?)

Dr. Q says I don't have GVH of the mouth. Then what the hell is it? He has no idea. Great. Tapering steroids starting tomorrow.

Labs look good. I got the all clear to go to Seattle for the summer. But of course.

I can do this. I'm very glad this day is over.

Good vibes for the biopsy results. I hate waiting, but still.

As Funny as Ass Killing Can Be 2008

I'm reposting this (original from Feb 2006) as I get another bone marrow biopsy tomorrow at MD Anderson in Houston. I hate them. It makes me so nauseated just thinking about it. The last one I had done was a mess ah... ROOKIE TECH!!! I was sore for months (usually only sore for a week). I'm dreading dreading dreading this one. I don't know if I could even handle a result that tells me I've relapsed. I am not even going to mention pain. This is the most painful test they give us.

My lovely longtime reader Pam C just passed away. As did a very brave Alabama boy named Zach. I lost track but I think that makes 30. Please pray/send good vibes to both their families. Pam was a sweetheart and used to send Zoe letters and drawings and stuff. She had 4 cats and a spirit that just was so sweet. I am just a little numb over this.

Ok. Must force myself to pack. I always hate this drive!! Love you!

The test from hell is now done.

Not only did they do the bone marrow aspiration, they did a bone marrow biopsy as well. I haven't had one of those since late October when I was diagnosed. I forgot how much they hurt. I am glad I didn't know ahead of time that I was getting that done too. I think I would have flipped out a bit more. Last time I was sedated. I barely remember it.

This:

There will be a sharp stinging from the anesthetic injection. As the aspirate is withdrawn, there may be a brief, sharp pain. The biopsy needle may also produce a brief pain, usually more dull. Since the interior of the bone cannot be anesthetized, this test may cause some discomfort. Not all patients experience these symptoms, however

is a complete fabrication.

There is nothing brief, nor dull about that pain. Some discomfort? I don't know one leukemia patient that doesn't experience major pain with this procedure. It's like having someone drill a corkscrew through your ass cheek into your hip bone. That's exactly what it's like.

I was cursing up a storm. In Spanish even. I don't even hablo Espanol.

I cried though. It was like spontaneous and I couldn't stop it from happening. It was so weird. Afterwards my blood pressure went way high. Like 188 over 135. They had taken it earlier and it was 122 over 72. I never have high blood pressure. Never. This test, she so not normal.

I took a Darvon beforehand, but I might as well have swallowed some M&Ms. And since they had me do it early in the morning, I ended up limping around to my other appointments. Chest X-ray, labs, leukemia doc, pharmacy, (got a yum lunch in here), then my endocrin doc, back to pharmacy.

The tech numbed me up so much, I was numbed all the way down to my right toes hours later. I came home and passed out while watching Footloose. I think that's what you are supposed to do when you watch that movie.

I'm still having problems walking, but I hate to take anything for it. Makes you too groggy. Thanks to my 'Bubellah' Monkey Boy for sending me funny text messages all day. Because there was nothing funny about today.

Tomorrow I only have a few appointments, but my schedule is now three pages long. All kinds of tests. I'm glad they are starting to do this, but gosh, it's exhausing. I want me one of those little scooter things. But I know this walking is good for me.

I can do this. I am doing this. With a sore ass, but still.

Today your assignment is to give someone a massage. The world would be a better place if people gave more massages. And if you don't have anyone to give a massage, go get one. You've earned it.

May 5th - 19th Thank Yer Mom by Saving a Life. And Pie.

I had leukemia and needed a stem cell transplant. My awesome brother was my donor. And I am one of the lucky 30% of patients who have a related match from someone in their family (Good Catholic family with six siblings - whew!).

I'm now still alive two years later solely because of my transplant. As of today, literally, I have now lost 30 friends in those 2 years to leukemia or transplant-related complications. I promised my "freakishly strong" friend Brenda Donato that I would never ever ever give up trying to find a cure. That I would never let anyone forget her or what she went through. I made my daughter promise to continue that mission as well. teamzoe.net (she's pretty gung-ho this year & wants to raise $30k)

The National Bone Marrow Program is here to help the many patients who do not have a match. Please consider joining the registry. The procedures for donating are not as hideous or painful as shows like Grey's Anatomy and House show them to be (um, can you say sedation? Painkillers? Apheresis?). My brother did his apheresis and drove from Houston to Austin the same day as his donation. I gave him a lemon meringue pie (per his request) for saving my life. I could never repay his gift to me; except by living a very long, stubborn, happy life. And by trying to spread the word to help others.

(go here to get your own cute blog/myspace widget)

Or a banner:

I'll be writing more posts on the drive. Seriously. If you are not registered, you can register at a donor drive for free AND ONLINE during the Thanks Mom Donor Drive. Just a cheek swab kit mailed to you - kinda like those cool CSI DNA tests.

It sounds scary, but imagine if one of your loved ones (or you) were going to die because they don't have a match. What if you knew that there is someone out there that could save their life? That the donor probably has no clue about the program or that a simple donation of some stem cells (no, not embryos - don't go there) could be their only hope for a cure. Save a life. It's the right thing to do. And you might get pie. Or Pi. Or both (for Kiera)

When you become a bone marrow donor, you join the global movement of more than 10 million donors who stand ready to give someone a future.

That "someone" was once me. I'm so grateful to still be here to talk about it.

And if you end up donating, I promise I will send you a pie!!

My stem cell transplant month posts if you are interested in what happened then.

Mother's Day and Thanks Mom Campaign
May 5 to May 19, 2008
During the two weeks around Mother’s Day, be part of our Thanks Mom awareness and donor recruitment campaign. What better way to say “Thanks, Mom” for giving you life than to share that gift with another person!

During the Thanks Mom campaign, costs to join the Registry are covered by our generous partners and contributors for the first 46,000 who join the Registry. (This includes the first 10,000 who join online.)

Help patients who need a life-saving marrow transplant:

* Join the NMDP Registry. You could be the one to save a life.
* Tell your friends and family others about the opportunity to save a life by sending them an e-mail (upper right corner on this page).
* Give a financial gift. Every dollar you contribute gives patients hope.

You can provide hope to the thousands of patients who need a life-saving marrow transplant.

You are needed

* On any given day, the doctors of more than 6,000 children and adults are searching the NMDP Registry for a life-saving donor.
* Seven years ago Alexandra needed someone—and a donor was there for her. Today, 13 year-old Alex practices karate with her brother Matt, is a voracious reader and loves playing with Rosie & Princess—the beloved four-legged friends in their family.
* Like 70% of patients, Alex and her brother Matt, who has the same disease, did not find someone in their family who matched. Two compassionate people, perhaps someone like you, gave them a chance to grow up, to play…to just be kids.
* Diverse donors are critical. Patients have the best chance of finding a match within their own race.

As Alex and Matt's mom said, “It is a beautiful world when we all work together to make a difference. I will never be able to thank the kids' donors or all of you enough for giving me my children and these priceless lessons. I am just a mother who tried to save a life. Twice.”

Every person deserves the best chance for treatment
The NMDP is dedicated to providing hope and delivering a cure to people who need a life-saving marrow transplant.

You can make a difference.

* Join the Registry. During the two week campaign, our goal is to add 10,000 donors online and 36,000 donors at marrow drives.
* Tell your friends and family by sending an e-mail (upper right corner).
* Give a gift. Raising $100,000 can only be accomplished with your generosity.
* Grow the garden. Add your photo and encouraging message to this virtual Donor Garden, a community passionate about saving lives.

Every donor added and every dollar raised helps save lives.

Please, people. it's the right thing to do.

Killing time before soccer practice

70 Questions Guaranteed You've Never Answered...

Or have I? I am pretty weird.

Stolen from Cariskicker.

-Would you kill your neighbor?
I don't know them well enough to want to kill them. Or anyone else for that matter. There are a few people I'd like to be a little bit injured in a car/pedestrian accident though.

-What were you doing ten minutes ago?
Helping mom unpack groceries. Twittering. Missing my sweetie.

-What did your last text message say?
"Baby, I know how you feel. I am just incomplete without you..."

-Who have you talked to most today?
Tim

Do you carve pumpkins every year?
Someone does. The slime grosses Zoe out.

What are you wearing?
Shorts, 3/4 sleeve shirt, loafers, headband. Soccer later tonight and I'm DREADING the heat. It's sooo sunny.

-Who's on speed dial 2?
The debu_dude

-Whats your favorite season?
Winter

~How are you feeling right now?
Sleepy and too full from a sammich.

~What did you do this past weekend?
Had the best weekend ever in Seattle with Zoe, Tim and his two girls.

-How many times have you moved?
Ten times. It's getting kind of old.

~What is the last thing you touched?
My water bottle.

~Would you do anything for someone else?
Of course. Within reason.

Have you ever been called a punk?
Lots of other things, but punk, no.

Was yesterday better than today?
About the same

~What is your ring tone?
The Pink Panther song and some Lenny Kravitz of course.

~Do you have a favorite number?
27 I guess.

~Do you hate anyone/anything?
Racism. Intolerance. Cancer. Child abusers. More things than any person.

~Does your best friend have a myspace?
Yeppers

~Last time you went out to lunch?
Got a sammich today.

~Do you have any music you're ashamed of?
I dig some Brittney Spears and now I really like some Miley Cyrus.

~Have you ever been in a physical fight with the opposite sex?
Not on purpose. Was the end of my marriage. Hit me once and it will be the last time.

~How old will you be in 2 months?
I will be turning 41. But I still act like I'm 21 sometimes.

~Do you think you'll be married by then?
Be married. No. Feel married. Yes :P

~Do you have one or more Britney Spears CDs?
Nope

~What did you do last month?
Barf a few times?

~Do you have plans tonight?
Soccer practice. Hide from the sun!!

Whats your favorite movie?
Way too many to list, but Sophie's Choice is way up there. So is Bull Durham, Jerry Maguire, Moonstruck and Princess Bride. Kung Fu Hustle is awesome.

~Do people ever spell your name wrong?
Yup. Even my dad sometimes. It's Debby with a "y" and even though it's really Deborah, if you call me that, I generally wouldn't answer. It's so foreign to me.

~Can you sing?
Not well. And only to Zoe.

~Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?
Quite often. I wanted to start an organization company because I'm terribly good at it, but I generally don't have the energy to finish. I'm so good it's scary. And I really enjoy it when I'm not too tired. Cleanliness, well it's a given as I have to keep things super clean for health reasons.

~Have you ever been to South America or Africa?
Neither

~Do you know how to knit?
Nope.

~What are you doing right now besides this survey?
Watching some weird history thing with mom, who is asleep.

~Do you know how to play poker?
Not well. I always forget what is higher than the other.

~Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?
Coldstone! Not often

~Physics or chemistry?
Chemistry! But only the physical kind because I'm terrible at science.

~Do you wear any jewelry?
I rotate out a few pieces. Depends on what I am wearing. I usually wear my medi-alert bracelet.

~What color are your bedroom walls?
I think they are yellow?

~When do you prefer to take a shower, morning or night?
In Texas - damnit - both. It's so hot and nasty here.

~Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars?
Probably Star Wars. I do have a big crush on Viggo though since I saw him in Eastern Promises.

~Fly or road trip?
Depends on where I"m going.

~Batman, Spiderman, Superman, Tanner Vineyard, or Shalayna Hatcher?
Don't even know what the last 2 are, but I loved Christian Bales in Batman. Want to see the next one.

~What’s your favorite Disney movie?
Was The Man From Snowy River Disney? Stuff like Escape From Witch Mountain. I don't dig the new ones so much.

~What are you excited about?
Spending the summer in Seattle. Having a boyfriend who isn't a total dick to me. He's beyond sweet.

Time for a few pictures

The Zoester, with my debu_sweetie, Tim.

Zoe in the snow, soaked, but having a total blast with Tim and his two girls (they are adorable!!). That was such an amazing day. She LOVES the snow. Next time, however, waterproof clothes and boots are in order! Love the mountains. I can't wait to go back to visit (most likely early June through end of July)

These are from my cell phone. The scenery was so gorgeous that I wanted to just look instead of trying to take amateur photos. The first few were on the ferry to Bainbridge Island. It was a really chilly day and Zoe was uber hyper, but I still had a great time even though she was buggin.

Here are some real pictures of our view. These are such realistic shots of how beautiful it is there.

Ok. Unpacking and doing laundry. Very exciting day. I really miss Seattle and my sweetie. I love wearing sweatshirts, hoodies and sweaters. I'm in flip flops and shorts today. It's going to be in the mid-80's. I HATE this weather. It makes me itchy.

I can do this. I'm going to Seattle in about a month.

Your assignment today is to say hi. Not creative, but just wondering who is out there sometimes.