debutaunt.com

Gain Some Perspective, Geniuses

Uh. Yeah!

I'm going to tell a few of you off, but read this over and over until you can admit to yourself that you need some help. I love you. I always will. All of you, please remember this:

As long as I'm living, I'll be waiting
As long as I'm breathing, I'll be there
Whenever you call me, I'll be waiting
Whenever you need me, I'll be there

[deb_bitch]

I'm in a bad bad bad mood.

Conversations with me:

"I'd rather be dead than in so much pain like you are."

HERE YOU GO!
1-800-273-TALK Suicide Hotline

1-800-448-3000 Depression Hotline

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of your self-pity. Quit piling shit on your head, as Momo G would say. You all may never ever ever speak to me again, but it's much better than listening to how you have such a horrible life that you'd rather die. I'm here for you, but I can't take that crap anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach. It hurts my heart and hurts my feelings.

I'm trying so damn hard, and so many of my friends are trying to live through treatment. Trying to live through surviving. I have seen so many of us fight like hell to live. Just to live. Live through pain. Live through sickness and poverty, nausea and agony without giving up or losing hope. And it's not just cancer. There are so many that live day to day with chronic illness. With severe depression. With disability. With mental illness. My military friends see so much death and destruction, I don't know how any of them don't lose their minds. It's not an easy thing, but we still do it because our will to live is overpowering. It just is.

I don't even pray anymore that they (or me) thrive. After what we've experienced, it's enough just to ask that we be allowed to grow old. I have given up on love, on feeling great again, on feeling powerful and strong physically (at least for now). But I will never give up on life, even if I know I'm dying. Or on finding joy. Or being alive! I just want to have more days where I'm not in severe pain than not. I will fight death so I can watch my daughter grow up and laugh and find joy. I falter sometimes, but not that often, and not for long. Zoe MAKES me not give up. She truly is the keeper of my hope.

And YOU have the fucking nerve to tell me that you want to die? FUCK YOU! I mean it - FUCK YOU. Even jokingly, still, #^&@# you!!! If you had any sense whatsoever, you'd apologize to me. I don't feel your apology when you say you are sorry you affronted me. I want you to KNOW why what your said is inappropriate to say to me or anybody actually. And really feel sorry that you didn't get that point. That you don't get that point because you have your head up your ass feeling sorry for yourself all the time.

And then you should send me flowers because I'm awesome or make a donation to the Leukemia Society in Brenda's name. I'll forgive you because I know your agony, but I still am pissed at you. It's not about you. It's not about me scolding you. It's about ME getting angry. Tell your priest or counselor, but if you constantly Eeyore, leave your friends and loved ones out of it. You're basically telling everyone to fuck off because we aren't important enough to live for. I know how that feels, I've been there. But I also know that I am resilient, that I was being unfair, and I will persevere. I will try as hard as I can not to hurt my loved ones. That I also owe it to all my friends who didn't make it.

I've seen them die. So many of them. I've mourned. And agonized over people that died too early. People who just couldn't survive. They didn't make it. Their families who lose so much. For my army penpal, Stephen Maddies, who was 18 days from coming home before he was picked off by a sniper.

I can't tell you how many nights I prayed and prayed and cried for my friends. For my daughter and my family. For my beloved friends who want so much to live. When Brenda was dying, I thought God was going to cover His ears just because we all prayed so hard for her to live. I tried to will her to live and Paula and Ashley and Pam and all the many others. Knowing that one day people might be doing that for me. That in a heartbeat it could all happen to any of us. Dying really isn't anything you can control. So I try not to worry about it. It just makes me cry. And I give my worries up to God. I let people in. I find the joy instead of constantly dwelling on the sorrow. Be grateful for the things and people you do have instead of balling up into yourself and becoming so self obsessed and absorbed. You all have children for God's sake and many many people that love you.

Honesty, I think my life is pretty damn great. Even through all of this, I still think I'm lucky, blessed, grateful, etc. I have my family. I have friends. My life isn't always perfect, but sometimes I just want to say FUCKING COWBOY UP! Everyone has problems. I know my family takes care of me, don't tell me I'm spoiled. I'm entirely grateful for that. But I am the one in pain and I'm the one taking meds and seeing doctors all the time. I'm the one that KEEPS me alive. Don't you even think that for ONE DAMN minute that I wouldn't trade everything to get my old life back. To being able to take care of myself and feel better and normal. To working. I'm not lucky. I'm grateful that I do have people that are willing to help me, but it all starts with you allowing people in. By asking for help when you need it. And by getting the help instead of being so damn stubborn and try to do it on your own.

I know that your problems are serious and seem overwhelming. But sometimes you just have to deal. If it's something you can change, then change it - make a point to change it and DO it, don't just talk about it.

But if there is nothing you can do, don't let it shut down your entire life. Stop freaking out. It's not like that will help or make it go away. If you can't function or cope, then GET SOME HELP!!! Not only that ACCEPT HELP from people that love and care about you. No man is an island.

Maybe if you did get help, or allow people in your life, rediscover your joy and what you are grateful for, you might actually BE able to cope with your problems. Not that it will make it go away or change anything, but it might help you deal with it instead of freaking out and losing your focus.

I think one of the great things I inherited from my mother is the ability to persevere through the hard times. Of course everyone gets down once in a while. But even when it's been hard, I still can find something in myself to get through it all. I think coming to the realization "that it is what it is" (thanks Sis #1). I know that everyone deals with things differently, but when people tell you ... hey, maybe you need to get some help and you refuse, then you need a kidney punch. Stop wallowing. You know you're wallowing. Stop piling shit on your head and feeling sorry for yourself.

Because, you know what? WE LOVE YOU!! But even people that love you don't want to hear about your issues if you don't deal with them and constantly talk about how shitty everything is. Fix it or shut up. Maybe it's time for some therapy or some pills.

I know that there are people who are way worse off than I am. I'm not starving. I have a roof over my head even if I don't own it. I can see and hear and laugh and talk and write. I'm not dying, but guess what, I'll still find joy until I stop breathing. I will find things to be grateful for every day. I will still laugh and read jokes and find humor in the absurd.

Tell jokes when you are getting a bone marrow biopsy and then I'll tell you HELL YEAH! If you are sick and you can plant tomatoes and walk your dog - HELL YEAH! If you can wear full makeup when you're bald, barfing and unable to walk and still have some attitude - or work part time and raise your child and kiss your husband when you feel like crap - or take gorgeous photos when you are dealing with depression -- HELL YEAH!! If you get your ass to the gym, even if you weigh 300 pounds... Well you know what I'd say. Do it! I'll high five you. Stop and "accept the good."

Now that's called perspective.

I love you, but I want you to try. Please get help.

Just this very moment I heard Lenny Kravitz's song "If You Want It.

Looking through life's window pane
Don't you sit around wasting time
That would be a crying shame
There's a power that's deep inside
And it burns just like a flame
Just believe and you will see that God
Will shower you like pouring rain
If you want it
You can change your world today
If you want it
Just break free and walk away
There's a reason
For you to explore
Why you're here
What do you say
And the beauty is that you're the one
Who controls just how you play
There's a choice that you need to make
One is ore and one is clay
So drop your chains and take up your cross
And let Jesus make your way
If you want it
You can change
Your world today
If you want it
Just break free and walk away
If you want it
You can change your evil ways
If you want it
Just break free and walk away

If you want it
You can change your world today
If you want it
Just break free and walk away
If you want it
You can change your evil ways
If you want it

Just break free
And walk away
-----------------
I can do this. I won't give up. And I won't give up on you. [/deb_bitch]

Your assignment. Check yer perspective today.

Create Your Own

Songs that came on while I was writing this:

Life Without You - Stevie Ray Vaughn
I'd Rather Go Blind - Etta James
Beatles Covers - Imagine by Jack Johnson
Oh My Love - Jackson Browne
Beautiful Boy - Ben Harper
For the Weary - Allison Sattinger
Why Do I Love You - Jesse Dayton
Reservations - Wilco
Dumb - Nirvana
Christmas Time is Here - Vince Guaraldi Trio

Christmas Time Is Here
Written by Vince Guaraldi, Lee Mendelson

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

Love love and more love.

paypal - a nifty new button

Thanks to Sis #1 for this:

Support this blog. Pretty pretty please.

I don't like ads on my site. I don't like to mess with my blog a whole lot (e.g. the horrid orange experiment change). I just like to write. And I like to blog. I want to write. And I'm not working anymore. There are lots of reasons for that, but they hurt my head just to think about. So here I am. I hope to be here for a heckofa long time too!

I can do this. My brain is on overdrive and it's like that scene from Jerry Maguire where he stays up all night writing his mission statement. It's a great scene. I love that movie.

I have a vision and I'm going to be recruiting soon. I have a whole debu_team behind me!

Nabbed from my writing guru Jeanne:

But I still need to make some money from the blog, which takes the best hours and the best energy of my day. [aside] not as much of my energy as Jeanne. I haven't been putting much time into blogging lately, but I love it. And eventually I know that God has a plan for me and somehow my writing and blogging and passion about leukemia awareness will be in that plan. Anything can happen. I just have a feeling.[/aside]

The result? The donate button.

Thank you for any cash that you might be able to spare. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

A special thanks to the cancer patients who have sent me donations, and then apologize for not being able to send more!

I know who my audience is, so I expected that if people were able to send a donation at all, it would be in the $10 to $20 range. Those $20 contributions are keeping me at the keyboard, blogging away.

A note about using PayPal: You can make a donation by clicking on the donate button and going through PayPal without setting up a PayPal account if you don't want one. There is an option to simply pay with a credit card.

Man-o-gram - More Parity in Cancer Awareness Advertising

No lie.

And I'm sorry if some of these ads are explicit, but gosh, if we can have the kind of pinkgasm with Breast Cancer Awareness to the point where it is in grocery stores, charity races, clothing, kitchen kitsch, schools, ribbonsgalore, decorating entire buildings swathed in pinkstink, why not make other cancers more accessible and talk about them as well? When will it be ok to speak the word "prostate or colon" cancers without the usual *whisper?*

The Google. She scares me. I just found my favorite new site. The gofugyourself.com of advertising. I have yet to reach the end of the internets. Must sleep soon.

Some parity for the boys. Again, some very sad, some ridiculous, some surreal, some informational, but it doesn't seem quite as humiliating as Jingle Jugs for Life. Then again, check out Carpe Testes: Be a Man - Self Exam. Looks like men perhaps are more visual and need videos?

Prostate Cancer Earrings?? They will make anything just to make a buck!

I liked this ad:

Song Lyrics

Prosty the Spokesgland
Is a prostate gland, we're told
Buried deep inside largely out of sight
He's ignored by young and old

Prosty the Spokesgland
How we hope that lump's benign
But it's hard to say
Cause the only way
To diagnose and treat is blind

There might just be some cancer
In that lump they found today
But we really can't be sure right now
Cause you can't trust the PSA

Prosty the Spokesgland
Spreads the word on what we need
No more pokes and prods
No more biopsies
How about some imaging?

Prosty the Spokesgland
It's time that we all gave a damn
Cause we know he needs
New technologies
Like a hi-tech Man-ogram

Lumpety lump lump
Lumpety lump lump
Look at Prosty grow
Lumpety lump lump
Lumpety lump lump
No more bending over so

Parity in Cancer Awareness Advertising

My beloved Jeanne S sent us to Hoyden's awesome site Hoyden About Town and a new entry for Jeanne's How Low will Komen Go Contest. I know Jeanne's busy, so I'm posting a few new entries here. I so *heart* Jeanne.

What I learned from all of my Googling is that no matter what type of cancer you type into Google, it always brings up breast cancer awareness stuff. Kidney, Pancreas, Colon, Thyroid, Leukemia, Rectal, Lung, etc etc etc. My generic search term was "_______ cancer" awareness. Sometimes I would include the word advertising. On one hand, yay for getting the word out about breast cancer, but shit, the rest of the groups need some time too. Some of the ads were disgusting. Some were thought-provoking. Some were ridiculous. But Google and Google Images is an amazing tool. Although I could spend all day finding this stuff.

Today was kind of like work, when I used to research terms about soil and sediment sampling. (I used to be an editor and read EPA documents - yawn) I have to make myself eat as I kind of lose my appetite. Cancer advertisements - YUCK! At my office, the grossest were industrial blenders used for testing animals for PCB contamination. Rat and possums in blender makes for a nasty smoothie.

So, Hoyden, who is a girl after my own heart, enters the HLWKG Contest with the following entry. It was so brilliant I had to snag it.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. The latest in the Mmm, Sexy Pink Breast Cancer! Save The Boobies Awareness sweepstakes comes from Mount Franklin, purveyors of pointless, wasteful, plastic-ridden, environmentally unfriendly bottled water. They've been doing the pink lids for a while, but these "every mouthful" advertisements are new."

"Two water bottles with pink lids, photographed from above. See? They look like boobs! Boobies that could fit in your mouth! Cancer's so sexy! Hahahaha!" The text reads:

Every mouthful helps
RAISE AWARENESS
for breast cancer research

So I decided to Google "CANCER ADVERTISING" and "FUNNY CANCER ADVERTISING." Some are clever, some are disgusting. I wonder how effective they are. Credit for many of them goes to Adverbox Advertising Blog.

SKIN CANCER

"Please take care this summer" Skin Cancer Awareness Towel.

Skin Cancer Awareness (kind of NSFW - but not too bad - Just damn funny so watch the whole clip)

CERVICAL CANCER
EEKS from Kristinwalldesigns. My mother looked and said, "Well she certainly couldn't diagnose herself THAT way."

THYROID CANCER

"The fastest growing cancer among women is not what you think."

Hmmmm what could this be? Could it be BOOBIES? Wowweewoowee!!!!

LUNG CANCER

Much too soon for this ad: "Terrorism-related deaths since 2001: 11,337 - Tobacco-related deaths since 2001: 30,000,000"

A panel was placed in smoking areas, featuring a cemetery view from the top. Wonder if that would make anyone quit?

COLON CANCER

The Super Colon

Ok. I've had a colonoscopy, so I thought this was totally cool - click the next link for some additional pictures. It's an 8 feet by 20 feet inflatable replica of the human colon. And it travels around the country to raise awareness of colon cancer. An inflatable, 20-foot long, 8-foot high replica of a human colon, is an interactive educational tool that is teaching people all across America that colorectal cancer is preventable, treatable and beatable! As visitors walk through the Super Colon, they get an up-close look at:

* healthy colon tissue
* tissue with non-malignant colorectal disease like Crohns and colitis
* colorectal polyps
* various stages of colorectal cancer

This advertisement didn't quite cut it.

Various pinkishoctober boob, er tasteful, advertising. Meh.

Check yer boobs. Just not while driving. Thanks Ad Blog Arabia (not going to link b/c of odd searches) and issmatblog.wordpress.com
CLICK PICTURE FOR LARGER IMAGE

Yay for Pink Crap - Feelup yer boobs!

CLICK TO ENLARGE THIS BEAUTIFUL [hork]ADVERTISEMENT[/hork]

Hey Fiona, this Mouse Pad came from Hong Kong (Not really safe for work, but click on the link if you can) As it says "EXAMINE REGULARLY!" Like any self-respecting woman would have that mousepad on her desk.

And my supreme finalist for the How Low Will Komen Go contest is this rubbery boob mousepad.
ENGLISH TRANSLATION: Frequent massaging breasts enables you to detect breast cancer before it strikes. CLICK ON THE PICTURE TO SEE THE EXTRA LARGE DEGRADING IMAGE.

Ok. So how's that for a little parity.

I can do this. I'm up against insane ads.

Your assignment today is to send me a link if you find one on some wackadoodle cancer ads.

I did find a few leukemia ads. They totally of broke my heart. It's like the other ads are all jokes compared to these.

It doesn't get much sadder than this. Especially when you look at the big picture. Saddest funeral ever.

October 21, 2005

Three years to the day a trip to the ER saved my life. And I'm still here. Without energy to write anything, but here I is.

I kind of miss my old blog. Work. Weirdos. Life. Love. Nothingness. Pain and Hope. It hurts to read some of it. Especially on days that I feel like cacapoopoo. Reading October 2005 makes me cry and laugh. The greatest of emotions. The ache of those words. That time.

Three years to the day, my friend's twin girls were born. I don't know why, but at the time it felt reassuring. Life. Beautiful perfect little girls. Little twin angels. Then I met you and you and you. All my internets.

Today:

I took cough syrup and it made my nose run while I was coughing up my entire spleen.

I didn't feel like eating whatsoever. I had Sixbucks.

I was online way too much. Dude city.

I have a new penpal overseas. I be prayin for the dude. He thinks I'm cute.

Talked to another dude tonight. He sent me some pictures which were oddly wonderful because they were artistic and he's beautiful. Funny, he was pretty cool. You think that a man that gorgeous would be so full of himself, but he was amazingly insightful and thoughtful. He is one of those people that you hope to know your whole life.

Got called a pussy by this stuck-up Republican dude because he has rheumatoid arthritis and doesn't take pain meds. I told him to go fuck himself. With the appropriate punctuation.

I got 9234823098 text messages from a secret agent. No really, he's some kind of spy or something.

I got 2 text messages from Tim. Oddly familiar and sweet.

And I met a San Antonio Tim who took Zoe and me out to eat sushi. He's a rare true Southern gentleman and he got Zoe's shoe off the roof.

Zoe read her book. It's cute when she can't read a word and she spells it. I half hear her and she has to repeat it several times before I can figure it out. I'm a site reader. She brings home like six library books every day. Bookmarks in all of them. Like mother like daughter.

I prayed. I prayed a lot today.

Bren/Cody's Mom reminded me of Yatzee. We used to call it Snotzee and it's too gross of a story. Even for me.

Every time I get a headache, and I think it can't get any worse, it does.

Zoe is bright and lovely. A bright shining star. Showing me the way. Just when I think I couldn't possibly love that child any more, I do. I just do.

Thank you God for my three extra years. I pray for more, but I'll take what I can get right about now.

I think Nico is dying. I'm the last one now. The last one of 25. How does that make sense?

Pray like hell. I miss all of them. So many nameless familiar MD Anderson faces. All gone. And Brenda. And Sarah and Nikki, and Clem and Paula and Ashley and Victoria and Liza and Robbi and Robin and Pam and Cookie and Joan, and sweet Kadin and Eric and Laiken and Steven, and S's Gayle, Nick Harriet and Joseph, and there are so many I begin to forget and then I remember and remember and remember and then Zoe.

I can do this. I just can.

Your assignment today is to listen to music and just dance around. Thank you Sisters for my iPod. It is my memory and my joy. It makes me cry and laugh at the same time. It just does.

Thank you.

You may groan if you want to

Brothel parrot has new home

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith"

I just coughed up a lung

I still have this cold. It's more of a non-stop cough.

I have had it for 8 days now. Mom had it and she seems better already. I don't have a fever, so I really don't want to go to the doctor and pay for it because I STILL DON'T HAVE INSURANCE!

Good thing I'm in a great mood. I think I may sleep today since Zoe has brownies after school. Friday night her troop is spending the night at the zoo in the education center. How cool is that?

Although she's very conflicted because Friday is the opening of High School Musical 3 (blegh).

I need to get better asap. We are having a board game night on November 1st. A gaggle of 8 year olds. It should be a blast - spooky pizza party - woo!

Ok. Lots of paperwork to do today and some sleepage.

I can do this. As long as I don't cough up my spleen next.

Your assignment today is to tell me your favorite family board game. Zoe likes Mancala and I like Scene It.

Sista Power!!

Sis #3 is a freelance internet marketing queen and writer. She just posted a blog with a friend of hers and it has a link to my deb_fund paypal account. It is so humbling, but I appreciate her help so much. If you need: Branding, Information Architecture, Blog or Social Media Consulting, and Newsletter Creation, look my sister up!

Please go check out her post with the amazing Lynn Bender playing to help raise cashamatoma.

Sis #3 also did a Tweeter blood drive in Austin last July and 80 people showed up to donate blood. It was twice the amount of traffic that the blood center usually gets. She's just awesome.

From Sis #2. I can't read this without just tearing up. She posted it on her flickr account for Pink Tuesday.

cancer effects more than those diagnosed...

on 10/21/2005, my whole world, as i knew it, collapsed. my older sister, Debby, was diagnosed with leukemia and from that day forward i would be her 5 year old daughter's surrogate mother for the next 8 months.

it's devastating when you first get the news, and a roller coster of emotions as you struggle with the fate of your love one going through battle after battle... with the disease, the insurance company, daily life, treatments, colds that could kill...

as the sister, it was my job to keep the calm, to raise her daughter as my own, and to have an exterior of "life is normal" when inside you are feeling anything but "normal."

while this is breast cancer awareness month, for me it is the month of awareness of the disease that almost took my sister's life.

for more information about my sister and her struggle with leukemia, go to my sister's blog: debutaunt.com/

Guess What?

It's sis #2's BIRTHDAY - WOO!!

Sis #2 is like Zoe's second mom. When I got sick, Zoe had to live with my sis for 8 or 9 months. It was so hard to be away from Zoe that long but I knew that Zoe adores her cousins and that Sis #2 loves and cares for Zkat just as much as I do. There's just such a special bond between me and my 3 sisters. But it became even tighter when my older sis #1 and Sis #2 were pregnant at the same time (can you say hormonal nightmare?) Sis #3 lives in Austin and she is like my little heart. She's 13 years younger and was like my baby for so long. When I got sick, she took two weeks off to come care for me. She's so thoughtful and caring and I'd do just about anything for her.

Sis #3's not married yet (no clue why because she's smart and beyond beautiful) We fought like cats and dogs when we were little, but this day, I feel so close to my sisters and our children are really close. Zoe misses them all the time and when they are together it's like class reunion day or something. I think they are all more like brothers and sisters than cousins.

I miss all three of my sisters so much. I remember Zoe was upset and crying one day. It was after she came home from her father's for the summer. She told me, "I wish all the people I loved lived in the same city as me." I most certainly wish that about all my sisters as well.

You're assignment today is to wish Sis #2 a Happy Birthday in the most festivus manner possible. She's awesome.

Sis #2 takes great pictures. Check her out on flickr. She lives in Houston so find her if you want some cool portraits or prints of her pictures.

And just in case you have even one sad moment today, here are some giggling babies to cheer you up!

Ahhhhhhh it was a ....

HAIR transplant that McNotBaldCain was referring to. Because his joke on Biden in the other debate didn't go over so haha funneh, he thought he'd trying it again. While other life-saving transplant patients and I were muttering to ourselves, "Did he just say what I thought he said?"

But in this day and age, honestly I think if you don't go all catface woman or Michael Jackson with your plastic surgery and don't go overboard, so what? I know what it's like to be bald. It's uncomfortable, and I don't think it had anything to do with me being a woman. I felt... exposed. But I knew that mine would grow back. When men add some hair, they look younger. I'm sure it makes them feel more handsome or how they used to feel before they lost their hair.

If women can wear those nasty woven and cheap looking extensions and weaves, have fake boobs and fake nails and fake tans, what's wrong with a man wanting his hair back? And if they can fix it without making it look like a bad rug, go for it.

I actually dig the bald dude look on most men. I like it when they shave it close to the head. (warning, sunscreen is necessary). It's kind of cool looking on men.

I can do this even though I was temporarily flabbergasted by McCain's transplant comment (thanks Jessicacarrot and Collins - y'all rock!)

Your assignment today is to look in the mirror and say, I look damn good, and then check yerself out!

But before you get any plastic surgery, take some tips from this site. It's not called Awfulplasticsurgery.com for nothing.

Poor Janice Dickenson.

And that cute hottie McHotster Mickey Rourke. Although I do believe he initially had surgery after a car accident or injury.

My Insurance Plan is a Cadillac That Got Reposessed, Senator McLame

Senator John McCain - 3rd and final debate against Senator Barack Obama on 10/15/08

That's big government at its best. Now, 95 percent of the people in America will receive more money under my plan because they will receive not only their present benefits, which may be taxed, which will be taxed, but then you add $5,000 onto it, except for those people who have the gold-plated Cadillac insurance policies that have to do with cosmetic surgery and transplants and all of those kinds of things.

See dat right dere. Senator Idontfuckingunderstandmyowninsuranceplan McJackhole just compared transplants to boob jobs?? Or is it rhinoplasty? Brazilian Butt Lifts? Cheek implants? Liposuction?

What the fuck are you talking about? Do you even know?

Cos we all know that transplants are just for the rich people who have Cadillac insurance, right? And your $5,000 tax credit won't pay for squat for people like me. Heck, who can afford a policy for an entire family for $5,000 not to mention medications? And woooowooooweeeewoooo. A life saving transplant? That's a luxury item, like a yacht or a vacation in Italy and Paris for a month. I know my transplant was like a stay at the Trump Plaza in the Presidential Suite. (heck, for what transplants cost, I could have stayed there at least a week)

Actually I don't even have Cadillac insurance anymore. My Cadillac got repossessed and eaten by COBRAzilla a week ago. Now I'm walking or taking the bus until November 1st. And then I'm about to get is a pimped out Pinto, ghettomobile where the rims cost more than the car.

Too bad I didn't get the boob job and a tummy tuck while I had that Cadillac insurance.

Or I guess whoever wins this election will just need to Pimp My Ride

Watching the Debate With Momo G on Fox News

A NOT PHOTOSHOPPED PICTURE.

I had to post that. It honestly is not photoshopped. It happened post debate when McCain was trying to go to shake the Schieffer's hand, and he went one way and Schieff went the other. McCain did a little like "ah I don't know where I'm going" dance, and the camera caught him.

If anyone can find the originator of that post, I'd really like to give him credit.

p.s. Am I the only one that can imagine George W watching these debates and giggling?

Pay-pals

Well, they are still working on finding out who raided the debfund. Sis #1 knows it was someone who was in her house long enough to steal several checks.

But then the coolest thing happened. She hadn't checked my paypal account in ages and there were a bunch of donations! I have no no no clue to who most of these people are. She's working on getting me the list so I can at least send an email of thanks to them. How cool are the internets sometimes?

I know of one donation though. Button and Bows Photography in Florida. Please check out that site because it is perfectly adorable! Thank you for your support!

I can do this. But I honestly think the orange on my blog is just perfectly awful. I might not be able to hold out until the end of October to change it. Yick!

The Magical Cancer Fund

I see all this pink stuff every October (and now it's year round) and it's very disheartening.

Right now it's serving as a glaring reminder how people are actually making money off of a disease and many of us are completely struggling to make it. If it were not for my family, and the no rent situation, I have no idea how I'd live on the disability I receive every month. And no. I still can't work yet, so don't go there.

What good is awareness and early detection if once you get cancer - any cancer, not just breast cancer - if you can't pay for your treatment? Or your medications. Or health insurance. Or even be eligible for health insurance.

Many are so fatigued, they can't work full time even if they wanted. Many cancers don't end with the end of treatment. They have side effects from the treatment (which sometime end up killing you). They get secondary cancers. They relapse. Or, in my case, I have gotten several different diseases, most likely as a result from my meds or all the treatment I have had.

Medicaid and Medicare sound so magically delicious, but apparently you end up paying much more out of pocket than when you had private insurance. This came from my hospital from a person that helps patients figure out how they can get any financial aid to pay for coverage. Medicare only pays for a few medications a month and you end up having to pay for supplemental Medicare insurance or special prescription plans.

Your private insurance will only last so long, btw. Cobra max now, I think, is 29 months. I'm ineligible for any type of private insurance other than the Texas High Risk pool. The premium is crazily expensive and you aren't allowed to be reimbursed for your premium by any hospital or government agency. MD Anderson has covered the majority of my Cobra payments as I qualified for their financial aid. But come Nov 1st, that ends.

The $4 WalmartTargetHEB prescription generally are only for basic types of prescriptions; like high blood pressure, diabetes meds, cholesterol drugs. Not one of my 28 medications are listed on that list.

I have a dear friend who needs a drug for her treatment. Even with Medicare, she has to spend $1600 on her med co-pay. This is more than what she receives from her Social Security disability payment. And Montel Williams rolling his bus past her house will not help pay for her drugs. Neither will the drug companies because she *has* prescription coverage. Yeah. One drug. $1600 a month. That's really some great coverage.

Pink away. Make millions from and for "the cause." While so many people who are going through treatment or living with cancer struggle to live our "new lives."

I don't have the answer. Even if there was some magical cancer fund, it most certainly would have run out years ago. Awareness. No cure yet. It is too little too late for those of us who have been there. It is depressing to see the cute, pink, ribbon wrapped cancer crap. I don't buy it because I think it's horrible. But I also don't buy it because I don't have any extra money to buy that shit.

Bitter? Hell yes. I'm not shitting rainbows and riding unicorns today. So before you say, "Be grateful, you're still breathing," please just shut up. Go away. I don't have to be chipper all the time and I'm not going to posture like everything is all right. I do that most days of the year and for today I just want to feel shitty. And bitter. And hate people who are profiting off of a disease right now. Go buy a breast cancer Barbie, some pink batteries and drill a hole in your head with your pink electric drill. When you're done, you can patch it up with pink bandaids and then eat a rGB yogurt, lick the lid and mail that bacteria laden lid in to Yoexploit.

I would love to be able to give my friend a million dollars so she didn't have the financial stress to go along with the stress she already has from dealing with her cancer. I would love the magical cancer fun. Don't you think we have enough stress in our lives already?

I have many reasons that I am grateful. I am alive. I have my family and friends. But the struggle to not give up is getting harder every day. The daily struggle of taking meds, feeling like crap, med side effects and wondering if this cold or this cold or this cold is going to kill me is getting really old.

Livestrong my ass. This "new life" isn't all it's cracked up to be. Right now I'm living kind of weak I'd say.

I can do this. I wish someone would start a magical cancer fund. The LLS, Komen, Livestrong, ACS ... how many are helping us... I mean really?

No assignment today. I'm feeling grouchy.

$125

Team Zoe is kind of kaput this year. I've been so pre-occupied that I let my team down.

Anyone? Bueller?

I know so much has been going on, but I adore the gals at the local chapter so much, that I want to raise a bit more. Zoe's goals were way too high for this year.

I also was supposed to come up with a memorial moment. I think it's too late and they probably came up with something else. I had so many ideas, but the walk is on October 25th and anything I wanted to do won't work now.

Ok. Homework this weekend with the Zkat.

I can do this. I have a few weeks to raise over $7,000.

Your assignment today is to donate anything you can to Team Zoe and/or give me an easy idea for a "memorial moment" for the walk.

Love you internets! Special prayers for my Linda T's mom who is fighting cancer right now.

I have a bad sore throat. Of course I got it the day after I lost my insurance. I am coughing as well and am trying to just rest and take some good meds. I may make mom get a strep throat culture just to see if that may be what I have. It sure feels like it.

Mom is sick as well and so is Zoe.

This is scary.

Uninsured

I'm wrapping myself in bubble wrap.

I will have no insurance from today until November 1st. I've been accepted into the Texas High Risk Pool at $671 a month. I'm not eligible to have MD Anderson pay that premium payment as the HRP considers that a conflict of interest. (MD Anderson used to pay my COBRA payment since I qualify for financial aid).

So, I will be scrimping and saving to pay for that until I can apply (or hopefully hear back from) Medicare. $671 is about half of my monthly disability payment. The deb_fund, which might have been able to help out, is on hold until we figure out who it was that stole money from my account (someone who was at my Sis #1's house stole and wrote checks on that account, which is now closed).

I'm really freaked out about the no insurance thing. I hope nothing happens to me or that I need some other medication in the meantime. I'm not sure how many of you understand the implications of no insurance for me.

"Pray like hell."

McCain's health plan wouldn't do me any good. Blegh. Not sure what the answer is, at least until I am able to get back to work. I hate not being able to take care of myself. It's very frustrating.

I think I'm going to take Zkat to see the chihuahua movie again. It was very very cute!

Moving

I walked during Zoe's soccer practice. It felt good. Susie's right. My future plans include moving more.

I can do this. I will make myself do this.

Bubble and Baboon Hearts

I'm exhausted.

[/whinese, apologies in advance]

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sadness. I can't describe it, but it's like how you feel when you listen to Nirvana's Unplugged MTV album.

Last night I made dinner for an old friend I knew from Austin who is visiting and working in San Antonio for a few months. He's a stand-up comic and is one of the coolest guys I know. He's been living in NYC and traveling around the country doing stand-up. I don't think I've seen or heard from him in over 14 years or so, but he found me online and we traded info. It was great to see him and catch up, but it just took me back a bit and reminded me of my "before" life. It feels like someone else had that life. That version of me never existed and now I have my life of disease and doctors and meds and pain. It feels so never-ending. There are no future plans. There aren't any new goals. My joy comes from Zoe. My mission is healing, but as hard as I try, it is not working.

He saw the slideshow on my MySpace page and I could tell he was visibly moved. He said to me, "You are one of the strongest people I know."

I don't feel strong anymore. I fake it, but I don't feel it anymore. Not one bit. I've been through hell and back, and I just feel weaker now than ever.

I had my checkup yesterday morning at the transplant clinic. I was so tired that I was an hour late. They didn't give me grief because I am so overwhelmed that I think it radiates off of me.

Blood draw. A drop dripped on my sandal and is now a permanent spot on my favorite pair. Counts are ok, but still having issues keeping my magnesium levels up. My blood counts are normal, but generally on the very low side of normal. I feel like a Zombie. Or a Barbie Zombie (thanks Amorette, that made me smile) And can I say, coolest Halloween decorations. Ever! Go welcome her new puppy and see her groovy zombie stuff.

Dropped my steroids down to 4mg from 8, which is nice. He said he didn't like the results from the GI doctor's office. When the GI folks called me, she told me the doctor wanted me to start taking some medicine 3 times a day (yay, even MORE meds for me to take and pay for) for my stomach symptoms. What those are, I'm not completely sure, but somehow she said my stomach is not working right to digest my food quickly enough.

[aside]
The test, which is called a gastric emptying study (yuck), is where they make you eat these radiated and thoroughly disgusting eggs and dry toast and jam, and then you lay still for an hour while they basically watch you digest your food. I felt like I was going to throw up putrid egg all over the place.

I feel sometimes like I'm going backwards. My health is spiraling downward. Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, GVHD, stomach issues, lack of appetite (I've lost 17 lbs in 4 weeks) breathlessness, and my veins in my chest and neck have been damaged from chemo and are narrowed, possibly clotting (CT and ultrasound had different results). They are debating on whether they will put me on blood thinners, but he said he was going to just keep an eye on me for now because blood thinners would be very dangerous to me with my counts.

Last night I went to bed pretty late - after 11pm. I was watching television and started getting major hand cramps. They lasted for over 3 hours. I tried everything. Milk, magnesium pills, water. I have no clue what they are, but it hurts like fuck. It's like my hands cramp and seize up. I've told my doctors, but they never address that issue because there are always more important ones.

I tried everything to make them go away. I wanted to cry, but I was too tired.

Tim phoned me to check in. I think he felt guilty because he was avoiding my calls. I've been pretty hurt about our breakup, and I know he gets frustrated because he knows I love him and how sad I am. I know he didn't intentionally try to hurt me, but I just am so stunned that he isn't going to be in my future. I finally reached him the other night and told him how much it sucks not to have someone care and check in on you (and yes, I have friends/family that do that, but it's just kind of not the same.) I write my blog so people know I'm alive. I'm posting, so I'm still breathing, right?

When we talked it was always about the bad stuff going on in his life and he stopped asking anything about how I was doing. I just stopped even talking about it. I feel like a jerk for telling him about that, but it just is that way. He's so disconnected from me, I don't even know if I'll ever see him again. Zoe's devastated about that. When he called yesterday I was eating dinner and she seemed so happy that he was calling. She ran for the phone and handed it to me, but I didn't have the heart to answer it. She still thinks he loves me and we are going to get married some day. Ah, my lovely, bird-talking hopeful. I'm sick and tired of being... well you know already.

It always felt like I had someone with me going through all of this, listening and really caring about the outcome. That I had someone I could stop being strong around and just be vulnerable for a little bit. For a long time it was Monkeyboy and then I had Brenda to talk about how afraid I am sometimes. How terrifyingly frightened I am sometimes. Then I met Tim and he and I were so great together. I felt safe and loved and cared about. He was amazing and he loved me. He bought an engagement ring back in April. It was so lovely. So beautiful. I found it one day and it hurt so much that he couldn't give it to me. He'd lost his heart. Tin man.

I don't think he sees himself in the same light I do. I adore him. He says I love someone who no longer exists. He's just gone emotionally void towards me, yet I see how caring and loving he is with his children and friends. It hurts so much not to have his love for me. But it is what it is and it won't ever change. I know it as well as I know my own heartbeat. I just have such a hard time wrapping my head around how someone who cared and loved me so deeply can just feeling nothing anymore. I miss him so much. I miss his love towards me. I can't believe how he doesn't even remember feeling that way, yet I so clearly do. I ache for it. I know it so well. And he is sick of hearing about that. I don't think he knows just how shocked I still am that our relationship is over. I feel delusional, like it never happened maybe.

I also miss Seattle. I want to go back, but know there is no way in the world I can afford it. I close my eyes and feel the cool breeze and I can so precisely see the trees and the beauty of Seattle. It was so my home when I was there. It felt natural to be there, like I had been there my whole life.

My health insurance runs out tomorrow. There really isn't a bailout plan in place. Right now it's prayers that one of the two options comes through as I am "uninsurable."

That word reminds me of Amorette's blog where she wrote the phrase "Gravestone payments."

Gravestone payments.

Those words don't go together without inducing a bout of nausea.

I can do this. I'm down, sad, in pain, missing my pink, and someone stole money from the deb_fund (more later on that maybe), but I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm living the best I can right at this moment.

You assignment today is to pray to the saint that oversees medical insurance. Who is that? Saint Augustine of Medicarus, Patron Saint of Hopeless, Expensive Medical Tests and Bureaucracy?

Can I just wrap myself in bubble wrap?

For Jeanne S

At Sam's. Of course it had to be a huMANGous (as Zoe says) Pink for the Cure display.

Comments raging over at Cara Ellison's place on Pink Rage. I was told to fuck off by a pregnant lesbian (although seriously I was being facetious with my comment).

Yo Mama!

Why my mom is more qualified to be VP than Sarah Palin.

1. She can pronounce nuclear.
2. She had seven kids, few babysitters, no nanny, occasional housekeeper.
3. She has not just one but two college degrees. Got straight A's in her Master's program. English.
4. She may be the Antichrist of tact sometimes, but she doesn't have a mean bone in her body.
5. She never gets stumped on topics. She knows about politics, the military, religion, foreign policy, history, terrorism, art, literature, pop culture, poker, sports, geography, fashion, education, current events, Oprah, health issues, and she can cook!
6. She can speak without saying also, youbetcha, maverick (McCain puts the ick in Mavrick), Joe Sixpack, mooseburger, and no weird facial tick or wink.
7. Her nickname is the "White Tornado."
8. She kind. And has a sneaky sense of humor and an acute sense of fair play.
9. She's a great teacher. She's patient, but won't let you goof off when it's time to work.
10. She's practically indestructible. She was doing laundry with a burst appendix and she thought it was just a case of food poisoning.
11. She's from Minnesota. Land of lakes, snow, mosquitoes and tough broads! "Those damn Vikings!"
12. She flew from Alaska to Virginia with four kids under the age of ten and everyone survived.
13. Dick Cheney would cower in fear around my mom and Bush would pee his pants if she uttered one, "Nooooooooo" in their general direction.
14. She bakes muffins.

Wait. Zoe's awake? That little sneaker. Ok. I'll continue this list later.

I can do this. Right after I tuck the bird-talker in bed.

Your assignment is to add to this list.

Orange

I don't dig the orange. I miss my pink. But I will keep pink out for at least the month of October. Besides, it was kind of a pain to mess with.

No Mas Pink

working on my template. hope I don't screw it up too much.

update:
ok, this is the best I can do for now. I love my pink template, but this isn't a breast cancer site. I'll hopefully find one I like better because this orange is hella bright.

Guess it's ok for Halloween??

WWSKD

Just a reply regarding a comment on "Hawktober."

Love you Deb, but I tend to disagree. I applaud Komen for getting the word out there. It really doesn't matter how you do it as long as you do it. There is a reason why Komen rakes in so much money for research. They're aggressive. I think it's unfortunate the LLS doesn't do the same thing...it's all about marketing a brand and a cause is no different.

Yes, Komen rakes in the dough. But at whose expense? Some people, myself included, feel that these cause marketing campaigns take advantage of our fear, and are exploitative and insulting for breast cancer patients (I mean, how does a man with breast cancer feel about all this pink puke?). I'll donate directly to a charity or to a friend who is raising money for Komen - mainly because I admire them for going for it, but I refuse to purchase even one pink ribbon thing. I go out of my way NOT to.

Did you click on the link to the winner (me) of last year's How Low will Komen Go contest?

Jingle Jugs for Life aka The Trophy Rack You've Always Wanted. They gave Komen $50,000 last year. From their own site:

What is it with Jingle Jugs for Life?

Identical in appearance to the original Jingle Jugs, Jingle Jugs for Life contain a blank recordable chip that allows the user to customize the Jugs by recording any song or message, as many times over, as desired. Jingle Jugs for Life also come embedded with a brief breast cancer awareness message as a portion of the proceeds of each sale is being donated to your local breast cancer awareness organization.

"your local breast cancer awareness organization?" WTF is that? Where does it go? What do they do with the money? If you are going to buy pink, please at least have a clue where they money is going.

And how much money exactly is Yoplait making off of their campaign? A whole heck of a lot more than they've donated.

From the San Francisco Business Times - Daniel Levine:

Consider 3M Post-It notes, which last year launched a campaign to help raise awareness of special Post-It notes featuring pink ribbons. Part of the proceeds from the sales would go to the cancer research and treatment center City of Hope in Los Angeles. The campaign, which featured the construction of a 70-foot tall pink ribbon made out of 75,000 Post-It notes in New York's Time Square, was a great success: Sales exceeded expectations by 80 percent and raised $300,000 for City of Hope. 3M, however, spent $500,000 on the campaign, according to PR Week.

Then there's Yoplait with its "Save Lids to Save Lives" campaign. The company gives 10 cents to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation for every lid consumers mail in, with a guaranteed minimum of $500,000 and a maximum donation of $1.5 million.

Sounds good, but consider that it costs 37 cents to mail a lid that will raise 10 cents for the foundation. Brenner notes that if someone decided to eat Yoplait three times a day for every day of the four-month campaign, they would end up raising $36 for the cause.

"Not only is it easier to write a check," Brenner said, "it would be better for your health."

I don't know, the LLS doesn't market like Komen does. But the LLS actually funds research, gives money to help patients with expenses and co-pays, raises awareness, and has a site that has a forum for people to find support. When I was paying $11 a day (it's $15 a day now) for parking at MD Anderson, the LLS gave me $500 back. That seems so small, but meant so much to me. I also found a place for solace, advice and support while I was going through treatment. They now help people with prescription/co-pay expenses. Actual PEOPLE with cancer. Their Team in Training campaign has raised nearly a BILLION dollars without spending thousands on marketing like Komen does.

I think that Komen should put less emphasis on awareness. They've done a great job there; if you aren't aware about breast cancer/mammograms then you must have been living in a cave for the past 10 years.

You want to help? I'm sure you know at least ONE person with breast cancer. Buy them dinner. Get groceries for them. Pay for a prescription. Babysit. Run errands for them. Buy them a massage. Pay a utility bill for them. Trust me, the money will be more appreciated by that one person than some overbloated, bureaucratic marketing machine.

I ask those of you who wonder what Komen should be doing, please read this link.

Some great links on the subject:

Cara has some Komen rage!

From The Stupid Cancer Blog

I read where a patient got an email that said, "Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month." Um, jiggafuckwhat? It was pointed out that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. How about a Happy DVAM email?

I think Jeanne, Amorette, The Cheeky Librarian and I all should take the month of October off and spend it in Hawaii!

From Jeanne over at Assertive Patient. We should all reflect on this quote and figure out what our priorities are:

October 1: The Quote of the Day

"I had the misfortune to be diagnosed last October. It was the perfect storm of fear, pain, and massive irritation: pink cocktails on airline flight, pink-jacketed teddy bears on sale at Macy's, designer pink-ribbon pins, etcetera, ad nauseam.

It felt as if people were having a party at my expense, and making money at the door"--Megan

BREAST CANCER: It's a disease, not a marketing opportunity.

For Kami, The Queen of Dallas

This just made me laugh

K, glad you are blogging again.