debutaunt.com

Did you ever

... spend a lot of time cooking something - like really cooking on the stove, no microwave, only to have it come out tasting like crap.

Sauteed zucchini and tomatoes with bowtie pasta. How can that be fucked up? Only the skill and magic that is the debu_cooking can answer that.

No amount of salt or pepper will make this edible.

Story of my life. Nastiness in disguise.

Schmoga

This is the Yoga DVD I have been using.

Challenging for the inflexible like me, but she's not overly annoying. And it's a voiceover versus someone trying to do the workout and talk at the same time (because usually that fucks them up and makes it more confusing)

I got it at Ross or TJ Maxx for like 9 bucks.

Yoga or Torture?

Genetically, my sister explained, the debu_family muscles weren't exactly made for yoga. She's probably the most fit person I know, but she says she is still very inflexible.

Did you know that this position

Is still completely impossible for me? Even with a five year old trying to push my grande ass all the way over my head.

But damnit I love it. It's hard as hell. And Zoe is uber flexible, so she likes to do yoga with me. Which I love, love, love.

"Mom. You're supposed to reach your hand all the way around your back and grab your other foot."

You know. The one that is on your thigh. Funny, but I can't even get my arm halfway across my back.

So if I ever get arrested, they will not be able to cuff me behind my back because I can't get my wrists anywhere near each other.

But the thighs. I have to say that all this exercise is making major difference in my thighs. And my ass.

So glad there's no one to see it.

Judas of the Protein Bar

Ok, I am eschewing my normal protein bars this week as they went back up to $1.99 each at Kroger (the bastards.)

A New Chew: A Haiku.

Luna Bar, Oh Joy
"Whole Nutrition Bar" for Chicks
Not for boys with dicks

So? If you are a dude and you eat these, will you grow boobies?

Why do weekends only last two days and the workweek five?

Results

"Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness." ---- Edward Stanley

I got a text message this morning from Zoe's dad:

"I am proud of you for getting into shape because Zoe really needs you around. Keep up the good work."

It's not optional anymore. I'm doing this just as much for her as I am for me. She's been more aware of eating right and exercising. And I want it to be a way of life for both of us.

So far, after 5 weeks, I have gained 6 lbs of muscle. I have lost a combined total inches of 4.75. About 1.5 inches on my waist and 1.5 inches on my hips. The rest were arms, legs, and neck. I did gain an inch on my thighs. But it's better than them getting fatter.

It's not much, but it's a start. And feeling better is worth all of it.

Tomorrow we meet Zoe's teacher. Then on to kindergarten.

I want to be around for all of it. And I plan on fighting tooth and nail to do so.

How could I not?

Marvin Zindler - Slime in the Ice Machine

Ok, if I end up puking today it is because I just ate a carrot covered in SLIME.

How can that be? Au contrare. They are so healthy...

"Eat 5 to 9 A Day for better health."

Just be sure they aren't covered in SLIME!

The Shoe Haiku

Ode to the new sneaks
Make me feel like Lance Armstrong
Without the fast bike

Why is it that no amount of sleep or lack thereof makes me feel any more rested?

Zoe says that since her room is still unfinished, she doesn't want to sleep in her new bed. I feel like I keep waking up all night because I've got a tiny foot in my kidney. I'm tempted to go sleep in her bed tonight.

I hope to finish her room, but I have decorator fear. I generally hang too much up on the walls. Always too much.

I want my Sis to do the decorating. She has less mess in mind.

These shoes are great. Too bad I'm stuck sitting on my ass all day.

Your Body is a Temple

An ode to my Sacred Shiny Shrine of the Stink Stink Protein

Haiku Style:

Dear Starkist Tuna
Awash in the stink of death
Taste good; smells bad, yo

Sugarless goodness
Ode to my diet soda
Guiltless love; Caffeine

My office, she stink
My haiku, she more than stink
Both to the trash can

Entertain me. I'm obviously bored as hell.

38 year old parts

Newly pedicured toes/said adios to the sneaks for the day. Dig the shoes?

Say hello to my new set of birthday luggage.

Jessica Simpson and I are so damn tight now. Not only do we share the same rock solid abs, she flew me in last week so we could be all lesbo and get big fluffy collagen lips together.

One day I will be normal again.

Goodnight Naughty.

Oh Sneaks, I Adore You

I am feeling unmotivated. Tired and unmotivated. But I'm going to the gym tonight no matter what.

I would like to buy a new pair of sneakers.

A Ode to my lovely trainers - a haiku

My lovely pink sneaks
Made by kiddie slave labor
I can't go barefoot

:cough:

Worst. Chicken breast. Ever.

It was awesome when I grilled it the other night. Then I left it in the microwave for too long at work. It was like chicken jerky. But I forced myself to eat it because I didn't want to go buy a new one for $9 downtown.

I am ready for a badass workout tonight. I have upper body strength training. B-girl has been kicking my ass and then kicking it again.

I had the pukey stomach yesterday morning and laid up in bed all day. So no workout. I feel too much guilt to do that.

Man I miss my Zoester. So much. So so much. She will be excited about her new room though. It is cute and is really coming along.

Look Here Kitchen Bitch

You keep stealing my salad dressing from the fridge at work, and I'm gonna have to stomp your thieving sorry ass.

Don't mess with a woman and her organics.

Tuna Tastes Like Doughnuts

I'm all self richeous in my tuna fish/fat free cottage cheese combo today.

Eat your nachos with guacamole. Gorge yourself on cheeseburgers with extra mayo. Scarf down that chocolate cake. Don't pass on the peanut butter M&Ms. Eat yourself to death.

Because some day you will be able to bounce a quarter off my ass.

Right now food to me is just fuel to my body. I'm trying to take out any connection between eating and emotion. Between eating and pleasure. To try to focus on how different foods make me feel and how it is there to help me get fit.

I know one day I will enjoy it again, but right now, there's nothing that tastes more awesome to me than fat-free yogurt with Splenda and blueberries. Or a perfectly grilled zucchini. Or the leanest of steaks cooked just the way I love them.

I feel damn good. And I don't want to change that ever again.

So if I don't change Zoe's name to George (after my Foreman grill), she's gonna end up being Splenda. Or maybe Splendashamika.

Welcome to My World

Obsess about food? Who me?

Ok. Just a wee bit.

Yelloooooooow

Am I the only dork that tears up at that Lance Armstrong Nike commercial?

I was feeling rather glum and unmotivated before I had even really started my workout challenge.

Then that commercial came on.

The dude. Had cancer. Then kicked it's ass.

And here I thought getting to the gym was a bum deal because I get home so late at night.

Cancer. Kicked it's ass.

Yeah. So he probably cheated on his wife with Sheryl Crow. I dislike her for some reason, but it has nothing to do with Mr. Livestrong. Still. Maybe his wife was a crazy bitch. Who knows.

Cancer people. All in his body. Now he rides his bike for six hours a day. I feel like a stud riding for my measly 45 minutes. SIX HOURS A DAY!

I challenge you all to do anything for six hours today.

I also challenge you to buy a yellow bracelet. I'm going to get a shirt to wear to the gym. So when my fat ass is sweating away up the pseudo gymbike hills and pumping iron in testosterone hell with Feisy and B-girl, I'm going to remember that I can fucking do anything motherfuckers.

And I look good in yellow.

The Fuck?

Why do I not feel better?

No mas oatmeal. I know it's great for you, but it totally spiked my blood sugar. Four hours after eating egg beaters and plain oatmeal, I had a blood sugar reading of 190. Not good. Should be between 70 and 120 one HOUR after eating.

I'm stressing way too much. But I somehow feel like I am going to die if I don't push through all of this bad health and get serious with it. If I don't take care of myself, I'm no good to Zoe or anyone else. And I can't let it happen.

And I remember how it was before when Z and I used to head to the gym every day. She went to bed late. Very late. Like 9:30 late.

And I know I will be waking her up at 6:45 to get her to the school bus on time come August 10th. And I want her to not be half asleep and misbehave her first time at a real school. The child needs sleep. She does. And fights it with all her being. She's stubborn like me like that.

Everyone is telling me not to sweat about it. That there's basically nothing that I can really do with the worrying about it. I *know* this. But I also feel practically desperate that I can't give up on my workouts this time. I need them like I need air. I know that I won't die if I skip or slack or not work out as often as recommended.

But I also know that if I incorporate fitness back into my life, I will feel better. My health *will* improve. And I know now is the time to do it. I know I can do this.

I need to get some sleep. Sleep deprivation always makes me crazy like this.

A Tower of Power

Should I just start like this huge Protein Shake wall in my office? You know, like how the frat boys build shit out of beer cases

Whey protein tastes great. Less filling. Tastes Great. Tastes like doodie.

I will PUMP YOU UP! And you can decorate too. Silver is nouveau riche.

True to Life Mantras

Mantras for Daily Living by my Big Sis. The Uber Fitness Goddess

Repeat after me:

Rice cakes taste good
Myoplex tastes exactly like a chocolate shake from McDonalds
Grill chicken with no fat or oil tastes like chicken and not dried fleshlike cardboard
Really, I am not starving to death
A half of cup of rice is all you need to feel really full
Eating 10% fat doesn't make me edgy or irratable at all, I am just normally a complete jerk
If you eat a lot of veggies, you don't want to eat Girl Scout cookies
You can never get sick of egg whites
The smell of cooking steak is repulsive to me
Canned tuna does not smell like catfood
No, that's not my stomach growling - I am absolutely content with my whey protein shake
No. Really. Dammit! My stomach is NOT growling
Drinking tons of water does not make me pee like a racehorse
Drink alcohol? No way, my body is my temple
Eating six times a day does not make me obsess about food
Myoplex does not smell like chalky throwup
My stomach is completely shrunk - I couldn't chow down even if I wanted to
Oatmeal is my friend.

Whoops, I, must, stop, typing ... My nose, well it has, grown so long, I find it hard, to type, as it is, smooshed against, the monitor.

The Ass that is My Tongue

Ok, this protein shake tastes good, but leaves my tongue tasting like dried leather.

See

Request

Need better breakfast ideas. Must be easy to fix and fast.

I am not a big fan of eggs. But I need to find some better recipes using a combo of 1 egg and 3 egg whites (or egg beaters). Needs to be lower in fat, low carb, and tasty.

I can't seem to find the right combo of spices to make them taste like anything other than well... yuck.

I don't like fried eggs or anything runny because it reminds me of snot.

So if you want, email them to me or post them for all to see.

And Happy Birthday, Ms. Sassypants. Your pants are pretty damn hot! They will get even hotter now that you are in your 30's. It's a fun time.